I hate to be cheesy or cliche
But...

Nothing in this world compares to the feeling
Of gliding through a Rocky Mountain snowy forest
Powder gliding under the skis, silently
And feeling like you're, for once, at peace

Road trips with old cars
With ski racks and kayaks
Park and open the sunroof
And we can fall asleep
Gazing up at the stars,
Or at eachother, whichever
Who's up for a long escape?

The mountains stand strong and mighty
The tall majestic foundations of life
They hold so much,  towering high and beautiful
However they are silent.
Then there are volcanoes
They tower like mountains,
They are mountains
But, they flaunt their power
They spew lava, and grumble loudly
Mountains have acquired the virtue of humility
One of the most important virtues Christ teaches
They are humble but you still get their point
I do my best to get my point across,
But I strive to get it across in a certain way,
Unlike volcanoes, Like a mountain.

I was proud of myself,
When I shakily took the blade
Away from my wrist
Because I couldn't stand it
If I started cutting again

I realized, even though I had always had a feeling
I am completely asexual, with physical ****** things
And surprisingly, relationships and love
I'm sorry im not who  you wanted me to be
But I can't do it, because everytime we do something
I have this heart flutter, but I can't ignore
The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach
I'm not cut out to be in a relationship,
I'm too messed up to tell the difference
Between love and a frienship
I'm sorry that this isn't even a poem anymore
I'm sorry I can't go on dreaming about relationships and love
When I'll honestly never be in any of them
I'll always be there for you, and every thing I've told you is true
But I can't do it,
I'm too asexual

Watching the touching story of a girl coming out to her parents,
Her parents being completely loving and accepting
I realized my parents would have the opposite reaction

Girls are the emotionally hurt ones
They need a tough boy to come in a rescue them
Well let me tell you, boys aren't superheroes
They go home just like girls and cry too
They have emotional problems, and
Underneath the shell of testosterone and cologne
There is a soft underside, easily bruised
But girls think the need superman to save them
They want him to lift them off their feet as they
Fly away into the refuge of love
But the moment he reveals his emotional underside
Girls turn away, and scrutinize him
How dare HE say he has problems!
I AM the one needing saving! I'm the hurt one!
They turn him away like a side dish,
As they are the main course, with all the problems
Well stop being so vain and thinking you need saving
Because guys sometimes need superheroes too...

I need to try and stop saying discouraging words when I look in the mirror
I need to stop wincing at reflections in the buildings windows
I need to purposely not look at my reflections to spare the pain anymore
People can't believe I hate myself when it comes to physical appearance
But the small jokes I make are as serious as my outlook on myself
And walking down the hallways is an effort to mask my face and body
And I'm desperately trying to patch the holes in myself
The holes that allowed my self confidence to leak from me in the first place
The holes drilled over and over by the repeated words that weren't meant to hurt
But I knew the hidden meaning, I knew the real thoughts underneath
And as people constantly hammer in to me you are beautiful
It becomes a familiar sound, a phrase more cliché to me than yolo
And as the dark cloud of self hatred looms ominously overhead,
It is only visible to those who truly know me, those who see the thunderstorm
It's funny how the people who try and lift you up end up slamming you to the ground
And when you hit rock bottom you stop trying to disguise the rocks that are ugly
You stop trying to cover them with make up, you stop trying
Because a rock is a rock no matter the cover up, and it'll be ugly no matter what
And if I'm a rock someone hand me a chisel so I can carve myself down
And shape myself into the girl in the ******* magazine,
Because who could ever be a attracted to a girl who wouldn't date herself
Who would love someone trying to make up for their lack of love for themselves
By loving everyone else, and patching their holes leaving myself empty
It's funny how the people who say I'm beautiful would never date me
It's funny how my mother will not utter the words that would save her drowning child
Yes honey, you  are  beautiful
But instead I have sunk to the pit of the ocean, who cares about trying to hold my breath

I don't consider myself a poet
I don't consider myself an artist
I don't consider myself smart
But I consider myself an athlete
Though I'm not pristine at that
It may be all I have

There are some feelings
Kept deep inside
To keep from hurting
*Others

I'm way more mature than you think
But I choose to have fun with my life

Only by watching him and falling in love with what he did
Did I realize that I need to be working far harder to Be able
To do what he does in my own future, a dream come true

I want to be more active
And not spew about all my feelings
I'm done pitying myself,
I just need to trust God,
Anyways here's an ending bucket list
Because I won't write back in a while:

Free swim with whales and sharks
See a lion pride
Shark cage diving
Sky dive
Ski a double black diamond
Climb a mountain
Film a tornado
Learn to surf
Learn to snowboard
Learn to scuba dive
See a wild wolf pack
See a wild brown bear
Hang glide
Paraglide
Cliff dive
Ride Route 66
Camp in complete wilderness of Yellowstone for week
Hike mount Haleakala, Hawaii, and photograph night sky
Visit equafina springs FL (again)
Camp on a beach (not crowded) with friends
Kiss in the rain
Go tree tent camping in smoky mountains
Own bonsai tree for many years
Own horses
Dye my hair (once)
Camp on my own private sail boat w friends
Write a book (actually commit, doesn't have to be good or published)
Own theses dogs: Newfie, husky, Akita
Live in Alaska
Live in the Yukon
Live in Colorado
Climb the grand Tetons and pray
Live without a cell phone
See Unimak pass Alaska and film orcas
Milk a cow

Skinny feels
Not like people think,
Bony, awkward, too lean
Bones protruding,
No more curves
Thin limbs, skinny hurts
Eat like a bottomless pit
Look in a mirror
Feel like ****
Skinny means no *****
No ****, no hips
Skinny isn't muscular
It's the opposite if ripped
It's slouching in the hall
Pointy elbows and knees
Loose pants, shirts
No matter how much you eat
Skinny means
Feeling like a stick
Skinny can make anyone
Look small and sick
Skinny gives the impression
Of weak, shaky frames
Skinny makes me regret
The middle school nicknames
Skinny shouldn't be a goal
Thank God
If you look full and whole
Making feel as good as dirt
Everyone out there,
I promise. *skinny hurts

What happens when you want to be a superhero
Not just this six year old boys fantasy,
But a real hero, who saves people, helps the world
and has something  *special

What's the point in trying anymore
Wasn't it better when I was emotionless

No shame in these little dates
Who knows, you could end up
Falling in love

I left my phone in the gym
What a small black rectangle
Filled with many secrets
Many unpublished poems
Many short stories of life
Many unfinished text messages
Sitting alone in my locker
Cracked everywhere but the front
With my friends and emojis
Secret new and old tumblrs
Pictures I cry when I see
Quotes I cry when I read
What a small piece of metal
To hold my life's story
Every friend, foe, lover
Every tear from sadness, laughter
All woven and intertwined
Within the circuits and wires

Is anyone else in love with thunderstorms?
Does anyone else like the gentle drips before it begins,
Like finger tips softly touching your skin
Or the low rumbles before it starts
And the dark sky low and full
The rain comes, soft or hard, streams of water falling
Puddles forming, all other noises seem to disappear
It has captured your full attention
Now you see a quick flash of lightening
You count the seconds under your breath
one Mississippi  two Mississippi  three Mississippi
Crash! or maybe its a Boom!
All different noises. Never the same.
My heart races every time I hear the low rumble
Or the pitter patter of rain

Aggression: pursuing ones own aims and interests forcefully
Yes, I would agree, I am aggressive

This only proves to me we are more than friends
Because friends would have drifted away by now
It proves we are *family

What you don't understand is that *** and love should be together
You want *** for the pleasure of it, not the love of the other person
It's self centered that way, defeating the purpose of its creation
So no, I will not have *** with you just for fun, just for you
Because I am not in love with you, nor are you in love with me

Sweating, breathing, silent screaming
Shaking, crosses, mixed love making
Kisses, crying, forced good-bying
Late night terror, morning dream
Guardian angel whispers in my ear
I'm screaming so loud, no one can hear
One more prayer, one more look
Look at my own heart I've took
I've thrown it into jail you see,
To save me from questioning eternity

You hate yourself for reasons I can't understand
Fathoming, pondering your small shaking hands
What you don't see in yourself, others do
Talented, beautiful, compassionate you
If you would use Paul McCartney to greatly inspire
You could be like him, if that's your desire
You have a future, a purpose that you can not see
But if you listen to anyone, listen to me
Stay strong, stand firm, don't let them be
The demons in your life, you can be free
Stay the way you are, which is your true beauty
Just let the peace in your life, **Ashley

I was sitting at the top of the Ferris wheel
Alone in gondola, swaying at the top
The lights flickered below, and a breeze blew
And I hit an all time low,
When I reached for a hand, any hand
But there was not one there

she and I had fleed around from each other for so long that finally we just got tangled up together and lay down

Why is it the most adventurous, fun jobs in life
Don't pay enough to even own a house

He holds the strings to my every move
Makes have to win, never lose
Those blue ribbons up on my wall,
Weren't worth the work, or the fall
The trophies lined up in a row
Weren't worth the mental blows
The 144 gold medals hanging still
Weren't worth the adrenaline, or thrill
Because he's the puppet master,
He's holding  all of my strings
Gotta win it, be number one
Anything less than the best and I'm shunned

The first jump start of adrenaline shot straight thought the heart
Legs jolt with the sound of "go" leaving his mouth
Mind cleared of everything except two thoughts
in through the nose out through the mouth, win it
Legs striding wider and longer, getting more numb with every step
Nostrils flaring with every breath like a racehorse,
Inspirations of horses galloping flash as I push harder,
The thought of the fat burning, calories dissipating
Smile spreads as finish line nears, fat burning
Muscles tensing, tearing, mending, and growing
Mouth agape, forcing in air that pierces dry throats like needles
Vision blurred and hazy, my oxygens gone
That's the best part, when you feel your body shut down
Sweat dripping down my neck, speed up, WIN IT
Racing, running, exercising, competing
Next time I'll push even harder

Sometimes I think I am seriously taken for granted

Of All the make up
The eight new creams
I just can't hide it

Look I only met the girl
But she inspired me so
How confidently hilarious
How beautifully goofy
This isn't an in love poem
But more as a general love
A love for this glow she has
She seems so bright with joy
And confident in everything
And I was confused at how
This girl could be so weird
But so pretty in my eyes
And I figured out that her beauty
Is her confidence

Can we go on an adventure?
Who's the one to hold my hand
Who's the one to take me on surprise trips,
Not just to the beach, but to South Africa
And watch the lions growl and play
Or what about someone who is close to God
Someone who will go on a mission trip with me,
Someone who isn't afraid to spread our faith
Who's going to sit on the porch in rocking chairs,
When its raining. And just talk.
Who's going skydiving with me
Or how about surfing? Snowboarding?
Who will have a sense of adventure
A sense to do something before its too late
Well in a few years
Im boarding a plane.
Who will come live with me?

Overworked they say
Is it true I'm hurting myself
Take a break they say
But I'm already in so far
It'll get worse she says
I can handle it, right. Right?

None of us know each other
None of us want to even try
Or maybe it's just me
And maybe my standards
Are too high

They wouldn't understand
All these strangers down the halls
I sit alone on my bed
And hear giggles through
The walls

And no matter how hard I try
It always comes to this odd end
I have to constantly remind myself
A therapist is not
A friend

Buttermilk pancakes, fresh off the pan
Returning from the barn, eggs in hand
Nostrils burning, the airs so pure
Pine trees, trails, they're the perfect cure
Woods resembling the appalachian country
Leaves all orange, no, golden like honey
Ancient wooden or old brick homes
Miles of national forest to roam
Trails worn thin by generations of family
I swear, the sun shines brighter, seemingly
Preacher is always dropping by to eat
Lance is out hunting fresh deer meat
And we... we are here to enjoy it all
And occasionally have a trampoline brawl
The point is, this place never feels wrong
Dry Prong, where I feel I truly belong

I want to do everything.
I want to be adventurous.
I am a risk taker.
I am an ENFP.
I want to skydive.
I want to shark dive.
I want to climb mountains,
Explore caves.
Sleep on a beach:
Under a blanket of stars.
I want to go on a mission trip
I want to help so many.
I feel like every day as a 'kid'
Is a day I could have taken
In my life to do what I love.
There's only so much time.
And it's true life is short
And I hate waiting for the moment
I can hop on a plane
And begin my *adventure

This has been over-said, I know
But it seems as though some people
Aren't listening
How can homosexuality be a choice?
Why would someone choose that life-style
Of pain, rejection, fear, and no acceptance?
Why would two boys choose
To have a relationship they had to keep hidden?
A relationship many people would not accept?
Why would they choose to be separated in public
To not even look at each other for fear of rumors
Who dare compare love to *******,
How dare they say it's comparable to loving a car
These are people, and this is real love
How dare they say that those two girls
Holding hands, looking into each others eyes
Love each other any less than the boy and girl
Please, I urge anyone out there doubting
That these people don't choose to live that way
It's your responsibility to create a world
Where it's no longer un-accepted,
Where those boys can show the world they
Do like kissing, they do like holding hands
It's our responsibility to change for the better
Anyone who says it's a choice, obviously
Has never fallen helplessly in love before

We find ourselves rooting for the underdog because we see ourselves in them

Upon further deep thought I realized how ******* up my childhood was
And I can't help but blame myself for not realizing what I was doing

"Where does it hurt?"
Everywhere
"Specifically?"
I guess right here
"Your heart?"
Yeah
"That's not a good sign"
"How long has it hurt"
A while I guess
"When is it worse?"
At night and sometimes day
"This could be serious"
"We will take you up for a scan"
Doctor?
"Yes?"
*Please make it go away

Some people don't
understand the
power they have
Until it's too late

I wear messy buns to school
And a silver cross neck less my best friend gave me
I enjoy strumming the same four chords on a pink ukulele  
And enjoy staying late after track just to hang out with the coaches
I am now always listening to Jimmy Buffet and putting on sun screen
And am obsessed with plants, especially my new garden
I pray the divine mercy novena prayers at night
And I spend my school days looking up future mission trips, going on ifunny and taking personality quizzes
Catch me shipping superheroes and being obsessed with Deadpool
Or reading the newest Louis T conspiracies
I spend my free time in the hot tub or on a jet ski
My favorite time of day is around 7:30- 8 AM when the sun rays turn bright yellow
My favorite season is spring because I love green a lot now
I'd say I'm fairly happy, but am prone to depressed moments throughout a day
My family is tense and awkward but I love them all
And my life is very enjoyable

I spent the rest of my day
Watching documentaries on the wolf packs of Yellowstone
And it's funny the capacity the beautiful creatures love
Howling when their leader dies for hours,
Playing like your pet dog plays with you
Defending each other till the death
It opened my eyes to how similar they are to us
Labeled as savage pests, but emotions of human
Amazing how this living breathing soul
Was shot cold in the end by a hunter for *fun

You can only play on a joke so much
Before it isn't a joke to someone anymore

Putting on the rainbow bandana  
A sense of pride surged through me
But only for a minute,
Then I walked through the halls,
Wondering who knew the real reason
I was wearing those colors

Never figuring out what God wants from me
My father getting too angry and beating me
My mother will never say the words 'Your'e beautiful'
My child will be nothing at all like me
If I end up with a husband, he will turn out like my dad
Not getting into veterinary school
Not surviving past 18

Okay so I am jealous
I'm jealous you have people
People who love you
People who think you're attractive
I'm jealous that even though
You have a lover,
You get more and more
While I stand here
Completely available
And draw in nothing