Rj 7d
I’m losing my humanity
Rj Jun 9
Hey guys. I don’t reallt feel like using the brain power to write an actual poem or use actual rhymes. I’m sorry. I guess I just need to get shit off my chest. Guys. I’m so tired of everything. I’m tired of waking up. Not just tired. It’s more than that. I’m tired of being a fucking wedge between my family. I’m sorry for causing my mom all of the pain she feels. Maybe not all of it, but a large part of it. I’m sorry I’m very selfish. I wish I knew how to change that. I’m sorry for making my dad feel unloved. I’m sorry for dragging my sister into emotions she doesn’t want to feel. I wish I saw something better in my future, ya know? I wish I didn’t see a lonely 26th birthday in a grey apartment and over cast skies, alone. There are so many things I wish. There are so many things I’d do again, but even then I doubt it’d help. People can be so bad. People can be so good, but man, can people be awful. Why can’t we just love one another? It’s not that simple I suppose. Nothing really makes sense to me at this point in my life. And people say it will just wait, but I’ve been hearing that for years. So I’d like to know... at what point does all that people have told me start to come true? At what point does this come together? Because I feel like I’ve been lied to. By everyone. You know what else? I thought a lot about my suicide attempt today. Sometimes... sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have have... idk. Sometimes I wish I’d have just picked up the rest of those pills and chug them back and broke my phone on the concrete. Only sometimes. But sometimes is still sometimes. I know what I’m doing. I just don’t want to be doing what I’m doing. I just... don’t want anything. I don’t think. I want out of this mess. But it’s inside me and I don’t know how to get rid of that. I’m also tired of being scared for everyone. Especially my family. I feel like no one else is, so I took on everyone’s part and have just... all of this fear. Dread. I don’t know. My head hurts. My room is still part of his house so obviously I can’t be at peace even in my man made cave. At least it’s cold. And dark. And I’m in sweats. Anyways anyways, I’m just sorry for being shitty to people I know. And for bringing up painful things for my mom and sister to go through. And for making my dad feel unloved. All he sees is a daughter who won’t look him in the eye and who gets nauseated when he touches her. I don’t mean it. And man, I can’t even begin to explain how much pain caused.
I’m just sorry. I want everyone to know that
Anyways. Sorry for the spill. I’ll be back to trying to work out poems and better metaphors tomorrow. Maybe I’ll do a longer rhyme. Change it up a little, ya know?
I’ll write more tomorrow. Thanks for bearing with me on this one.

Love, RJ
I’ll be okay
Rj Jun 9
Maybe the reason I’m not stressed about the future is because I think I won’t have one
Or maybe It’ll all go away
That’d be great
If it all went away
I just want it
To all go away
Rj Jun 9
I don’t want to do this anymore
Rj Jun 8
All I see is black
I don’t even want it back
It’s simply that I lack
The will
Rj Jun 8
I am no better than the man who haunts my dreams
And I’m sure my mom and sister are sick of all the schemes
I’m a ball of stress and panic, and I always make a mess
I wish I hadn’t stayed, all I cause is stress.
Rj Jun 4
My heart jumped into my throat
And my stomach lurched
My lungs dissolve into dust

Cryptically typing a hurried thought
That defied every response

I look in the mirror and no one stares back
I see him in things that I do
When they see me, when they discover
I promise, I hate me too.
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