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Jan 24 · 39
Rj Jan 24
The moon didn’t see what I did that night
And oh, how she’d cry if she did
Forgive me
Rj Jan 24
The tv is on in the living room
I turn over
My phone glows orange
Because I switched it to night mode
As my meds dissolve inside me
The tv is on in the living room
The corner of the fitted sheet
That chronically slips
As if mocking me
Is loosening again
But I don’t bother
The tv is on in the living room
I unbend my knees
As the backs of them
Have created an unwelcome swamp
My feet take the knees’ suggestion
The arches warm and dampening
The tv is on in the living room
Sirens sob in the distance
The trolley eeks past
And the sky casts a deep violet smirk
And the tv is on in the living room
Jan 22 · 29
Untitled Nth
Rj Jan 22
I crawl on my belly
It must be my belly
A creature so low
I remember the words
Through my fault
Through my fault
Through my
Most grievous fault
Hitting my chest
If I could pull
This beating heart
from my chest
And offer it up
To the raven on my shoulder
If I could
Jan 14 · 64
Still Searching
Rj Jan 14
My eyes squint
As if there is some detail
Some piece of evidence
That I’m missing

I scour photos
I comb through messages
Looking for clues
Looking for a window
A peak into the days before
Jan 12 · 63
White Tongue
Rj Jan 12
A mind bent on experiencing freedom
A body for that mind
Equally bent
A mind, running in circles,
A jaw, running in circles,
Molars meeting and exchanging blows
The dust settles on that tongue
That white tongue which speaks
White lies
To that mind
That mind which I hate
That mind which I hate
May 2020 · 187
Rj May 2020
Who ever thought
I’d be wishing for a flashback
May 2020 · 171
Rj May 2020
I don’t want to be alive anymore
Apr 2020 · 141
Rest in Peace
Rj Apr 2020
He said:
“This world has morals that I just don’t fit in with”
And then he shot himself
Apr 2020 · 113
Rj Apr 2020
Sometimes it feels inevitable
Apr 2020 · 101
Rj Apr 2020
To slip underneath the churning waves outside
In the dark you can look up and not see the surface
Not see how far down you sink, not see the way out
To be underneath it all, to be tossed by the current
To hit the sandy bottom and stare up and see nothing
In the dark, underneath the water it makes no difference if your eyes are open or closed
To be enveloped
To be embraces
To be taken in
To not breathe
Apr 2020 · 92
Apr 2020 · 94
Rj Apr 2020
Gasoline, babies, musty AC
Lilacs, earth when it rains
Smoke from a wood burning stove at night,
Memories, all of them claim
They say smell is the most powerful thing
To take you back to a place or a time
And though I have loved all of the above
I know which I want most in my mind
To fall asleep with you on my chest
Your head in the pit of my arm
Legs entangle, arms so heavy
Butterflies in my chest start to swarm
For the most potent smell,
The most wonderful smell
That takes me to a safe place
Is the smell of your breath, your cheeks your lips
The smell of your soft sleeping face
The slow rise and fall of your chest at night
Already my racing thoughts slow
With you on my side and your breath on my face
The warmth in me continues to grow
Apr 2020 · 100
Run run run
Rj Apr 2020
run run run
The trees blur by
The sky is dark and grey
The leaves are bright
Though barely light
And branches all in sway
run run run*
Your hair sticks to your face
The thorns tear at your legs
Your feet sink into the ground
But you continue to run
It’s been weeks since the sun
And your heart has begun to pound
run run run
It’s been days since you left
The forest is moving
You’ve lost every concept of time
You collapse into dirt
Your muscles all hurt
And you rot back into the slime
Mar 2020 · 86
Blank 017
Rj Mar 2020
What if the most poetic thing I’ll ever write is my own suicide note?
It’s a reflection. I don’t know. It seems like I can only ever write when it’s about the darkest thing so this logically makes sense. I’m not actively suicidal
Mar 2020 · 81
You and the Earth
Rj Mar 2020
You wake up and the earth feels like it’s spinning slower
Or maybe the earth is spinning just fine and you’re moving slower
Or maybe the earth is spinning and you’re not part of it

You wake up and the weight of your own body is enough to pull you into the earth’s core

You wake up and your chest feels smaller,
Your breath feels stale and you can’t seem to find fresh air

The distractions fade out and when they become background noise, it’s just you:
You in this bed
You in this room
You in this house on this lot
You in this town in this state
You in this mass of land split by oceans
You in this earth
It’s just you

Being alone is no fun at all
Being alive is...
Mar 2020 · 81
Rj Mar 2020
The dim fluorescent lights that illuminate the section of ties and clothes for 40 year old women. They buzz and if you watch every now and then they flicker.
The people mindlessly strolling down the carpeted isles, checking the clearance section titles ‘ladies blouses’
Every time you turn the corner, your own lonely and decrepit reflection greets you via the full length mirror ******* into the columns.
The particle board ceilings, the circular tables lined with multipacks of men’s underwear, the pointlessness of a store existing solely to accompany browsing zombies
You walk in not needing anything except to fill the extra time you have on a hot day in June. Hoping for anything to keep your mind off of the crushing weight that you need something to distract you from your own fear of being alone.
My own hatred and discomfort of this store, sorry lol
Mar 2020 · 89
Intrusive thoughts
Rj Mar 2020
Arms breaking, veins shredding
Dad breaking down the door
Wrapping my phone charger around my neck
Dark and flash and blood and gore

Stomach slit, red rivers run
Bed soaked down to my feet
Wrists slashed, rope tied
Hanging from a sheet
Jan 2020 · 91
Rj Jan 2020
Melting but in a bad way
Oct 2019 · 214
Rj Oct 2019
I don’t belong here
Aug 2019 · 204
Rj Aug 2019
There was the death of the old
And the birth of the new
But the new carries the weight of the old
And more
Jun 2019 · 505
TV Static
Rj Jun 2019
Have you ever had TV static in your brain
That buzz that sounds like a thousand pieces of paper being crumpled into *****
And you wish you could just flush it down the drain
Or at least shove it into the tiniest box and then move it against the walls

But the only way to get rid of static is to change the channel
And we don't have a remote with a guide to our mind
There is no button to delete or hit cancel
And there's no way to run when it's on the inside

You could brave the noise and the web of glitching grey
Or you could simply turn the TV off, and throw it away
If there is no solution but to live with it or die
I wonder what we'll do
Can you see the static in my eyes?
Jun 2019 · 156
Looking Backwards
Rj Jun 2019
You try to **** it but it won't stop bleeding
Try to forget it but it won't stop killing you
You're running out of time
Yeah, you know you can't go back, it's too late
To say it's too late
You can't take back that you said nothing
How could you do nothing?
Start/End // Eden
Jun 2019 · 196
Rj Jun 2019
I don’t have any prayers left
Jun 2019 · 214
Black Box Warning
Rj Jun 2019
Withdrawing and flipping and
Flopping my way through the days
Nausea dizziness fatigue
Nausea dizziness fatigue
Nausea dizziness fatigue

He tells me it has a black box warning
He tells me it'll be over soon
Don't hesitate to call
Don't hesitate to call
Don't hesitate to call

Eyes that glaze over glassy and opaque
Will it be my hands or my voice
Everything shakes
Jun 2019 · 131
Rj Jun 2019
Underneath the sweat of a thousand tiny soldiers fighting another swell of the most intrusive of enemies,
I can't tell if I'm losing my humanity or gaining more.
Jun 2019 · 135
The Bits
Rj Jun 2019
You look at her and you think,
Man she's pretty
But you don't know the half of it
And I doubt you looked closely
I doubt you noticed the green and grey flecks in her blue eyes
And I doubt you noticed the way the left corner of her mouth goes down while the right side flips up when she is half way between smile and a smirk
Did you notice the tiny smile lines by her eyes when she laughs?
What about how soft her cheeks are?
And I'm sure you never got to feel how soft her lips are
Did you spot the freckle on the right ridge of her ear?
I doubt you listened closely enough to her laugh
I doubt you were lucky enough to hear
Because if you were, you'd be laughing too

All of these bits and more add up to create her
And I'm lucky enough to get to see and feel and experience those bits
Her world is one I could stay inside forever
Because I know I would never get bored
And I would always find something new
To love.
A Steven Universe reference, would ya look at that!
Rj Jun 2019
The skeletons of the things I have given up remain in the closet of my mind collecting dust
Things that once held such importance, such promise, such wonder are now discarded pieces of brighter life
Times pointless arrow destroys the new things that try to make a home here
All of the wonderful, beautiful things I have loved and built an imaginary life on are busted and broken
I doubt my fingers remember how to hold a pencil in a way that could sketch a new world to escape to
And that’s just one
Jun 2019 · 271
Rj Jun 2019
I am terrified all of the time
This isn’t poem, I’m sorry.
Jun 2019 · 193
A Girl like Job
Rj Jun 2019
My knees hit the floor as I throw myself toward you
I don’t know what I’m asking for except relief
And even that is too much because I am not worthy
Take it away please just take it away
Except Job has more faith than me.
Jun 2019 · 358
Rj Jun 2019
According to statistics, I shouldn't be alive
But I'm kicking and screaming
And crawling my way through the numbers
The percentages tangle at my feet
And threaten to pull me down with them
But I claw on with everything I have
Because anything less than 100%
Means I become a number
Like the rest of them.
37% 11% 25% 29%
Jun 2019 · 125
Tongue Tied
Rj Jun 2019
My tongue is twisted into double knots, and my mouth is left hanging open ever so slightly. The words that wanted to fall out sit silently at the back of my throat. I swallow them down with a gulp, and when I close my mouth, it is all over.
Jun 2019 · 127
Save ourselves
Rj Jun 2019
Dreams of crashes, death, mangled limbs and twisted metal
Dreams of throwing myself into the whole mess
Because maybe if I save someone else, it'll be close to saving myself.
May 2019 · 138
Porcelain Dishes
Rj May 2019
I’m too tired to cry. Too dizzy to move. And every little bit of my energy is being left behind on this cruise. I give myself up on dishes and dishes and they pick and they pick, and they order more and I give it to them. I give up on presentation and just slap myself onto plates and into bowls and hand them over. Take me, take me, TAKE ME. And they take their little itty bitty forks and they poke and **** and chew the tiniest pieces before handing the plate back and ordering more. Those gluttonous pigs with their pinkies up and their napkins folded into their shirts. Pretty soon they will have to settle for what’s on their plates. Or starve. There’s only so much you can fit on a porcelain dish, and only so much of me left.
Oct 2018 · 296
I Stumbled;
Rj Oct 2018
you doubt yourself
you grip the wheel
you turn it up
you scream, you squeal
you grit your teeth
you bang your head
you stop and park
you’re filled with dread
you gas it up
you hang up the phone
you take your time
to get back home
you yell at God
you apologize
you try to see
truth verses lies
you call your friend
you are alive
you pick her up
and make her drive
the lake is calm
but you are not
you try to breathe
it’s all you’ve got
Oct 2018 · 199
A True Friend
Rj Oct 2018
she watches you fall apart on the edge of the water
she listens to your screams through the phone
she changes the music in the car to laughter
and she drives and brings you back home
Oct 2018 · 213
Rj Oct 2018
She is gentle, she is kind
She knows me
And knows my mind
She walks past, and I'd rewind
To see the glow
She leaves behind
I love you.
Oct 2018 · 268
Learning to Love
Rj Oct 2018
I am afraid in time you'll see
I'm worse than what you think of me
And everyday you'll fantasize
Of life without my lifeless eyes
Honesty is hard to show
When I'm scared it will make you go
And if I learn to love like you
Would that possibly be enough too?
What if I was created to be
A person without any company

I want to think I was made for love
But when I look to the sky above
The clouds don't part and the sun doesn't shine
How could you possibly want to be mine
A reflection on doubts about my ability to be a person worthy of love. Most of the time I believe I am. It's only when I am going through an episode that I don't.
Sep 2018 · 226
Rj Sep 2018
St. Charles Avenue           St Charles Avenue
Thirty minutes    Thirty Minutes
Sidewalk                                Sidewalk
Brick house     Brick house
South Carrolton                              South Carrolton
Camellia Grill          Camellia Grill
River Road    River Road
Headphones                     Headphones
Backpack                                                   Backpack
Water bottle      Water Bottle
Sweatshirt Sweatshirt
Sweatpants                               Sweatpants
Plastic Bag                                                              Plastic Bag
St. Charles  St .Charles  St. Charles
Sep 2018 · 205
The Sidewalk
Rj Sep 2018
You stare down the same sidewalk
Only for second
And even that was too long

You will never find yourself
Along the way
It's the road or the sidewalk

You know them both well
Now, it's all you ever hear
It's what you'll never tell
Sep 2018 · 204
The Fly
Rj Sep 2018
He grabs me and pulls me upwards into the sky
I pretend to be surprised, but I knew he could fly
He wants us both to go together
And for a moment I think yes
It’s a stupid play off of an episode I saw
Sep 2018 · 455
The Disconnect
Rj Sep 2018
I swallow hard but still cannot push my heart down and out of my throat
She’s just trying to reach my
I don’t blame her
Sep 2018 · 267
Feeling Real
Rj Sep 2018
There is something about the way skin tears
Something about the way my hand stops shaking
It is committing to the amount of pressure
About focusing on one after the other
About the pain that stings
There is something about this harm
That makes me feel good
Scratch that
There is something about this harm
That makes me feel
I can sit in the shower and bleed and cry
And bleed and cry
And bleed and cry
I can hate myself without ending myself
I can focus on a pain that is tangible
For a few minutes it is an escape
My body became a canvas when I was fourteen
And I haven't stopped painting since
I want to go deeper
I want to feel more.
Jul 2018 · 279
3 A.M.
Rj Jul 2018
I don’t want to be awake
Jun 2018 · 209
Rj Jun 2018
How can I live with you?
How can I let you touch me.
.. you ******* monster. You ******* assault my mom. Notice how I didn’t use the last tense. Can’t get enough? Can’t stop watching ****** up ****? Prostiutes aren’t doin it for ya like they used to? *******. You ruined her life. And she takes it each time you **** her. She closes her eyes and takes it. Telling you not to do something doesn’t work so why say it right? She tells you it hurts her and you continue. The only thing I feel for you is fear and absolute disgust. Marries doesn’t mean it’s consenual ***. *******.
Jun 2018 · 1.2k
Rj Jun 2018
I’m losing my humanity
Jun 2018 · 293
This is stupid
Rj Jun 2018
Maybe the reason I’m not stressed about the future is because I think I won’t have one
Or maybe It’ll all go away
That’d be great
If it all went away
I just want it
To all go away
Jun 2018 · 185
Rj Jun 2018
I don’t want to do this anymore
Jun 2018 · 214
All I See is Black
Rj Jun 2018
All I see is black
I don’t even want it back
It’s simply that I lack
The will
Jun 2018 · 394
Rj Jun 2018
I am no better than the man who haunts my dreams
And I’m sure my mom and sister are sick of all the schemes
I’m a ball of stress and panic, and I always make a mess
I wish I hadn’t stayed, all I cause is stress.
Jun 2018 · 328
On the Same Page
Rj Jun 2018
My heart jumped into my throat
And my stomach lurched
My lungs dissolve into dust

Cryptically typing a hurried thought
That defied every response

I look in the mirror and no one stares back
I see him in things that I do
When they see me, when they discover
I promise, I hate me too.
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