i got into my car hurriedly
Wednesday, Thursday, saturday
(i chose to walk on friday)
so it wasn't until i had to wait out the rain in my car
sunday, 12 pm
that i looked over,
fully immersed in the scent of your favorite perfume
half expecting you to materialize from the cloud of fragrance occupying the passenger's side
and in my haste from the days previous,
i wasn't yet aware of the tiny pin you left in your place
before dashing out into the city streets
a bobby pin
that must have escaped the locks that touched your skin
it made mine crawl
to think of an object blessed enough
from the graces of an atheist's god
to be given the opportunity
to touch a being so holy
and there i sat
in a parked car,
cursing everything that made me into the awkward, 5 ft. 8
man i am
longing to be close enough to her
so that i might
smell the scent of lavender and honey
that lingered from her embrace
but instead,
i am the stalky man who can not seem to say goodbye

it smelt of cough syrup and cinnamon
when it came to visit in the dark hours that followed the chime of the grandfather clock
the scent lingered on every article of clothing he once had his fingers on
and crept under her nose as she lay there on her side
eyes open, hands steady
and she swore that she could almost feel it under her skin when she outstretched her arms like a bird
the scent turned into a feeling that stayed for 47 days
each morning morphing into a night, each night a new beginning
each beginning signaling for her arrest
held captive by the four walls that housed the scent
and every day she was reminded
there was no cure for fixing the void
except finding another to take by the hand
and using him dry until he could no longer be pushed around
each new one entering in,
another chance to touch the contents in the room
one more opportunity to leave memories and association with each item they picked up
and when they left,
she stayed in her same spot
surrounded by memories and names and faces and associations
that smelt all to similar to cough syrup
and she was knocked out.

you slip into my mind once again
as i slip into unconsciousness
guilt plagues my insides black
and all i can see from you now is red
why did i not leave you a note?
no, i was much too prideful then
it got in the way
but you must know i had to get out
and you can't blame me for not wanting to stay,
but don't blame yourself either
it was a haste decision,
dear, you must know i took your old cassette tapes and cinnamon scented perfume
i was with you for a year
but i felt closer to you when i was holding those objects in my hands
than i was holding you in my arms
i had to drive out of the state
get away
because i knew as soon as you came to find me gone
i was not going to want to see your doe eyes fill to the brim with your crocodile tears
and even thinking about it now makes me pity your cherub face even more
it's not that you are unattractive
(quite the opposite in fact)
you were always intellectual,
you were generous
but yet there was something off putting
and without reason, i will leave you now
sitting at home, trash overflown
with tissues and stained dreams of finding someone who loved you

it is difficult
to find the right words
when you don't want to be with somebody
and yet
when you envision them with another
your bones are rattled with urgency;
a feeling that occupies places in your body
you didn't know existed
the type of thing you can't seem to shake off
you feel it under your skin
and then, you are faced with two options:
do you send him away because you don't truly love him?
or do you become selfish
trailing him around like dead weight
knowing full well nothing will become of it
but wanting to drag it out for as long as possible
I looked you in the eye,
felt your hands linger around my neck
and knew in my heart I would only bring you pain as I have others
but foolishly I clung to you like you were gold,
not knowing that once you left
the fools gold I had mistaken you as
would turn out real, promising
now you and I(because there is no "us")
sit amongst mixed company,
you in the back of the blue kia,
I in the passengers
your eyes bore into the back of mine
I look out the window to drown you out
and as you notice my disengagement
you reach your hands to the back of my neck
wanting to make me better again
wanting me to save you from the grasp of my rigid behavior
but how the **** can I save you when you were the one who was going to save me?
don't touch my neck like you never left
don't touch my heart
don't make me shiver under your embrace
because it was you I had to myself
and it was you that I lost

it was then that i saw you were gone
that i let you slip through my fingers like sand
and that same sand collected at the bottom of the hour glass
i became mesmerized
obsessed
when would the glass be filled with the gritty substance so i can flip you over
and we can go back to square one
like the strangers we are
and the sand keeps dripping until you come again
because i can pretend that i know you
and that our souls are somehow synced up
but when it's all said and done
and i lie alone on a Friday night
wondering why you haven't materialized in front of my eyes
i know there will be no more visits by my ruin
my ruin
the one who can do no wrong in my eyes
but will leave me with bumps and bruises and aches
my ruin
who left one day and never came back
whose presence was not felt in four months
until now
i haven't felt you calling
since September
something is reaching out to me
calling you to my attention
you need me
or you want to believe you do