Whirring hum of the ceiling fan
Rhythmic rattle of the chains
Soft caress of a manufactured breeze

Heart beat against my ear
Steady breath to calm my racing mind
Safety surrounding me

Late night
With no light
Besides the dim screen of my phone

Gentle snores
And twitching muscles
My bedtime companion

Safety
Peace
Relief

Home

Heart ache but not quite a heart break
Happiness exchanged for sorrow
Tears exchanged for my smile

I didn't want this
I grew up too fast
I learned things before I was ready

Now it's all I know
Now I can't break it
And it hurts him
The one I hold dearest

He distrusts my words
Because of my past actions

He distrusts my feelings
Because of my present actions

I feel numb
With an aching heart
And broken spirit

I apologize relentlessly
But it never seems enough
Because I'm addicted to my actions

My past has caused damage
Damage to me
And everything I believe
And everything I do now

It haunts me
It drains me
It kills me

Yet, I can't seem to stop
I can't seem to fix it
And I'm helpless

I don't like
Using the term "voices"
When it comes to explaining my emotions
Because I'm not schizophrenic
I don't have multiple personalities

I just...
I just hear voices
Except they are my voice
My voice screams at me
Over and over

It's like a deeper, darker version
Of my voice
As it growls at me
And yells at me

I'm pretty sure it hates me
Because it tells me
All of these different things
That sound so real
But are logically impossible

Underneath that voice
I hear whispers
Different voices that I can't understand
Because they are so quiet

It's chaotic in my head
So much goes on
Especially when I forget to take my medication
Then the angry voice screams
And I can't hear anything else

I scream back at it
I tell it to shut up
Because it's not true
But it uses my insecurities against me
And hits every raw nerve
In my body

So I break down
And start physically crying
And the people around me get so confused

I wish they could hear it
I wish they could hear what's in my head
Because then they'd understand

It's so difficult to explain
What happens in my head
Since I don't want to seem crazy
Especially considering
I don't even know what's going on

I generally don't talk about it
What happens in my own personal Hell
I don't talk to my parents
I don't talk to my doctors
I don't talk to anyone
Because I'm afraid
That people won't understand

I'm afraid I'll be labeled as crazy
And be sent to the hospital
Or put on more medication
When I don't need to

It's something that's always been there
I've always tried to ignore it
But sometimes
It's hard to ignore screaming and yelling
Especially when
The screaming and yelling is about what hurts the most

I swear to you
I'm not crazy
I'm not schizophrenic

I honestly don't know what I am

So...

I'm just Monica

And I have voices in my head
One screams at me
The rest whisper things I don't hear

It's odd
But for me
It's normal

I can't explain it
Or how it works
Or what the voices say
Because they say a lot
And sometimes
I'm afraid to say it allowed
Because what if it's true?

So I sit quietly
As I scream and argue
With the voices in my head

It's easy most of the time
Since I have medication on my side
It makes the voice silent
As if it is put to sleep

And it's quiet
And silence in my head
Is blissful