Outlast all my troubles
my demons close behind ;
To get to the end where the light of heaven shines

Apparently im losing
apparently im lost
So viciously unfocused
i fall and pay the cost

Uncanny how they breach in
My pride was like a boat
its dawning several holes
to water im exposed
then drown..

My issues give me pounds on rearrival
lately hits to ego have me feeling small as Fievel..
I feel as though im lacking
or unfit for this girl ;
They tell me play the game
while cheaters run the world..

Bloom where you're planted,
All women are told,
To thrive.
We are told to wait to be chosen, to be cut, to be picked the moment we blossom,
Only to be an ornimental object,
Some temporary color,
A disposable distraction.
To simply be beautifully brief.
Well I,
I am more.
I am more than a windblown wish
Than petals to be plucked
Than a wildflower waiting to wilt.
I am rooted. I am grounded.
And I,
I Bloom.

Never forget
That only the uncut flowers
Get to keep on growing.

|b.g.|

You forget how to love her and she forgets what it’s like to feel like there’s enough oxygen in her lungs. Oddly spaced breaths and too much blinking – how can she even walk in a straight line these days? You’ll go right, knowing she’ll go left and you’ll lose sleep over it because what you think is best always turns out to be the worst mistake. And you promised her you’d stop trying to solve all your problems by drowning yourself in alcohol and in return she granted you the softness of her skin, the brightness of her smile. Without your drinks – you aren’t yourself. That’s what you tell her. She laughs and tells you she knows who you are, don't worry. And you don’t understand because you don’t even know who you are but you’ll believe just about anything if it means getting out of this and being able to hold on to her and her jasmine scent. She's just like spring; and where you live there's only ever two seasons.

Visages woven upon the symphony of
weaving  features.
Upon the chimes
           her vocalization does intoxicate
those that are within heeding
                         of her delicate memories.

          These are stairs to emotions now realised.
Acoustic melodies slip through currents of air so soothingly..

Sometimes, change is easy
It feels like trying on a new pair of shoes from a favorite department store
If the change feels good and fits, you move forward
You wear change like a badge of honor, a personal achievement
Then, feeling accomplished and joyful, with your chin raised a little higher, you let change enrich your spirit, a necessary transfusion to the soul

Sometimes, change is ugly
It feels like sticking bare feet into a thick  mud and wondering why there is resistance
You swing wildly at the fear, as if there was actually someone there
The possibility of change turns you into the victim and the aggressor, fighting tooth and nail to protect the now
Then, spent and weary, when your defenses are low, you let change break through, like water overflowing a dam

and it took me some time
to realize that i was dating
a boy
not a man
that i wasn't looking
for a boyfriend
i was looking for a dad
hold on a second
its not what it seems
theres no oedipus complex
this isn't ******-y
this is a girl
who can never love a man
this is a girl
who never had a dad
this is a girl
that wants love-
the pure kind-
the lets go for icecream at 3am
lets go to the park
lets name all the animals at the zoo
this is the girl looking for protection
by sticking her head in the cage
her safety net
is a beard and colored eyes
and it took her time to realize
that every boy that smiles at you
doesn't mean well
and when they say they love you
don't think they will hesitate before they leave you
because they won't
don't
be fooled by their smiling eyes
girl you need to realize
your father loved you
and he meant well
still
he left and these boys no they don't love you the way he did
they won't save you from the demons in your head
baby girl
still
lie still and know
that "boy" isn't a safe word
and "man" doesn't mean love
and that the bridge between those who stay
and those who leave
is jammed with those
who said they'd be
here.
stop looking for a man.
stop looking for a dad.
you-
you
are enough.

It's a shame when you have a good thing going
& people want to intervene.
They don't want you to have
They get jealous & mean.
Their lives are not going well
They have nothing at all.
Instead of enjoying watching you prosper
They pray for your downfall.
They see you happy they will rather
Ruin what you have.
They see a crack in your foundation
They will be so glad.
They try to end your happiness
When God gives you favor.
They try to destroy your blessing
Before you could even savor it.
Meddlers are people whose
Lives are a mess.
They hate to see others happy
Until you're broken they won't rest.
They'll smile in your face
While twisting the knife in your back.
They're relentless in destroying you
They're always on the attack.
They'll whisper in others ears
Trying to tear you down with words.
If you have a meddler, in your life
Cut them off, kick them to the curb.
Meddlers are the lowest thing
The Devil contributed to this earth.
Once you come in contact with them
Your life will be cursed.
They live in misery
& dabble in destruction.
They are all about hurting those around them
With deceit & corruption.
I had a meddler in my life
Their actions destroyed my family.
We tried to help the meddler out
They were so smooth with it
That we were too blind to see.
We didn't see in time
What were really their true intentions.
They had us fighting amongst each other
& did I forget to mention
How we took in a meddler
We allowed them in our residence
But they came to us under
False pretences.
They said they needed help
& we tried to be there.
But they destroyed my family
& they didn't care.
They tore a wedge between us
We fought all the time.
They just watched us destroy ourselves
& stood on the sidelines.
They took pride in watching
Our family dissipate.
They liked watching us crumble
They watched our family deteriorate.
Now my children miss their father
They are in so much pain.
The father leaves
But the meddler remains.
God don't like ugly
& that meddler showed their true colors.
They ruined a family
But they'll soon discover.
God will give me strength & in his grace
I'll continue to grow.
My faith will not waiver
My inner light will still glow.
I'll let that meddler enjoy this victory
Because I truly don't care.
I've got God on my side
So meddler beware.
I'll never wish you any harm
I want your life to grow.
But remember this meddler
You reap what you sow.
So if you can't get ahead
& you're always in a bind.
Remember Romans 12:19
The Lord said "Vengeance Is Mine"

I lost it all
It's a hard thing to say.
Now I'm all alone
On this Father-Less Day.
I made a mistake
That made my woman leave.
Now it's Father's Day
& I'm alone to grieve.
I grieve for the loss of my sons
The apples of my eye.
Being without them
On this day
Makes me break down & cry.
I failed my family
I pushed them away.
Now I can't celebrate with them
On this Father's Day.
When I call my own father
He'll be so happy.
I'll talk to my dad
Will my children call me?
My wife always told me
As a husband you're terrible.
The mood swings I was having
Made life with me unbearable.
She said I was so much into my boys
Sometimes she felt forgotten.
Since the day they were born
I spoiled them rotten.
She said I am a great daddy
Fatherhood was a great fit for me.
Too bad I did give our marriage
That much energy.
My sons were my identity
They were with me all the time.
It's hard being without them
I'm losing my mind.
They are my first thought when I wake up
My last thought when I sleep.
I feel like something's missing
I feel incomplete.
This is going to be a bad day
I see that already.
My prayer to My God is:
PLEASE DON'T LET MY CHILDREN FORGET ME

monday morning
and my skin still looks like
something you could touch,
but we both know from experience
it would burn you if you tried.
my mouth in the mirror
is soft and still alive
and hides the ghostly grinning skull
we remember from our nightmares.

wednesday every pore is oozing poison,
and when you tell me
i look pretty in my dress,
i can feel the sharp edges of scales
pressing up through thin flowered fabric.
wednesday i slash my lips red,
and as in nature it's a warning.
i am only an animal and
i have been consumed enough times
that my body has
made itself dangerous.

friday is a heavy knit sweater
even though it is warm,
because friday my chest
is caving in
and i cannot stand
even the accidental brush
of someone else's skin on mine.
friday no one tells me
i look pretty
and i fill my lungs a little fuller.

sunday is disembodied echoes,
a bathroom floor,
and a body that has never been mine.
sunday is gorgeous,
because i am not real,
and i am not here,
and all the things that have
happened to this body
have nothing at all to do with me.
sunday i am nowhere, which is
as close as i have ever been
to free.

You
Are fed up
Of me
Tired of me
Resent me.

Believe it or not
I
Felt the same way about myself
Before
Your
Dislike for me manifested itself.

I
Understand
(Somewhat) society's, the system's, stranger's
Enmity
Toward myself.
I
Had the same abhorrence
For
Myself...Nearly, committed suicide...
Bought a hellium kit....contemplated ww1 , ww2 , Hiroshima, Nakisaki.... Veitnam war...

Then,
A child touched me with their innocence,
And
MY OWN
INNOCENCE
Returned
To me
Pristine.


HOLY
And
DIVINE.

I , like the multitude
Are saying in a gentle voice...No more violence, destruction
Of
Life.


And You.