Questions here

Questions there

Questions in my head

Questions in my heart

Questions tearing me apart

About john

Then Paxton

Then others

John
Why don't you love me?
Why dont you want me?
Have I ever hurt you?
Am I too much?
Do you like them?
Why do you wanna do stuff with me?
Are you moving on?

Paxton
Will you always love me?
Are you losing feelings?
Why do you talk about others so much now?
Am I too clingy?
Am I too jealous?
Are you lying?
Why are you less honest?

To the others
Did you ever like me?
Why don't you ever talk to me anymore?
Now that I've left am I just a memory?
Do you see me or just my broken?
Am I a person or a scar and a cut?
Why don't you notice?

To myself
Why do you do this?
Why can't I eat?
Why can't I feel?
Why do I switch?
Why do I smile when I cry inside?
Why am I always pretending?
Why do I love so easily?
Whats wrong with me?
Leave me be

Will you leave me like the others?
Thats whats going through my mind

But
I dont want to lose you
Like I lost them

Because you treat me right
You dont just throw me to the side
And give me attention when its convenient for you

You dont want me for my body and you tell me no when I need to hear it
Even if I dont want to

But this all scares me
And today
I let it slip
And I told you the truth
I told you I love you

I didnt want to
Not because I dont want to love you
Because I do
You're a better person than alot

But
Now that I've told you
The urge to push tou away is much stronger
Because what if I get attached again?
What if I become completely infatuated?
But then you leave?

And that thought is scaring me

Leave my heart
You're tearing it apart
And you sit right in the middle
Taking down the walls
One for every two I build

Leave my thoughts
Because you occupy every one
And if you stay I'm gonna hurt someone
But I think I already have

Leave me please
Because I can't bear my feelings
But even if you do I might not be able to

I don't want you to go
But you hurt me

I don't want you to go
But you use me

I don't want you to go
But this is unhealthy

So as much as I love you

Please just leave me

And don't return
When you miss me

I love you
Yeah
I said it
And I know I've said it before
But I no longer say it to you
Because
You aren't sure you want to be more than a thing
Ever
So I'll just keep it in my head

Everytime I text you I feel my heart constrict
I love you
And loving you hurts me

But
I'm going to fight
For you
And I'm not giving up
Not until you find someone else

I wanna see every smile that crosses your face
I wanna hear every laugh that passes your lips
I wanna help with every tear
Every sad thought that passes your way

I want to make you happy
But I'm not sure I'll be the one to do that

But I won't give up
Not yet

You set me free but at the same time I hold back

Every time I see you smile I wanna say I love you
Everytime I make you laugh I wanna say I love you
Everytime you frown I wanna say I love you
Everytime I look into your eyes that hold all the emotions I wanna understand
I wanna whisper I love you

But I can't say it out loud
So I'll say it silently

I'll say it to myself before I fall asleep
I'll say it to myself when I wake up
I'll say it to myself on those lonely nights when I stare up at the moon
Wishing you could hear me
And maybe say it back

But for now
I'll wait

You hurt me
But I love you
So I'll fight

Your name to me is dad
Or father
But thats not how it feels in reality

I dont want to call you that
And it physically hurts me to
Because of all you've put me though

My pain stems from you
My tears stem from you
My heartbreaks stem from you

Every broken part of me is because of you

You touched me one night
And stole my innocence

You hit me one time
And stole my confidence

You shame me for the friends i make
Just because of race
Or maybe because they arent strong
Arent smart
They aren't good enough to you

And by doing that you make me afraid to hang out with them
Because if i do
Im afraid

Im afriad you'll hate on them
Or maybe ryu will

Im afraid you'll call me stupid
Or *******
Or any other thing
Just because they dont fit your standards

You make me afriad
Not of others
But of you
And i have a good reason to be

So no
You are no longer father
You are no longer my dad

You are no longer my family
You're just a name in the wind

Why everytime theres a smile on my face does it have to be erased?

Why everytime I make a friend does someone make me feel like it shouldnt be?

Why everytime I laugh does someone have to discriminate me?

Why
Is
The
World
Against
Me?

Look at me
No
That's not what I mean
I mean really
Look at me and see that when you look me in the eye
All there is are forbidden tears
Look at me without long sleeves
Then maybe you'll see the harm I do
See
Don't just look

Because you seem to think I'm fine
And you ignore all the pathetic lies
You ignore me because

"I'm fine :)"

But what does I'm fine really mean?
It means I'm begging someone to care
I'm begging for love
But I can't say that
I can't show that
Because if I do

"All you want is attention"

But no
I want genuine
I'm sick of fake
I'm sick of people seeing how bad my arms now are
And just saying

"I'm sorry"

Like that helps
But it doesn't
Because I'm sick of pity

All I want is someone to hold me
Without saying a word

Theres something about you
Theres something there
That's just
Different

When you hugged me I felt like I was meant to be there
I felt like I belonged
Theres just something right about you

When you looked me in the eye I felt safe
I felt like I no longer had to worry
Theres just something right about you

When you kissed me I felt free
I felt like I could stay like that forever
Theres just something right about you

Theres just something
Something that tells me yes
Its telling my heart
Its telling my mind
And its telling my soul
Its saying yes
And theres no doubt in me that you're the right one
The one I was meant to go through the pain for
The one I was meant to meet

But
That scares me
So hopefully
I don't push you away

I wonder why schools teach us past
Not present

They teach us old
Rarely new

They never ask us what we want to do
They dont base what they teach
On who we want to be

They teach us the things they 'think' we need
All the while disregarding who we are
Individually

They base our grades on how much we pay attention
But if you're like me
Too creative to follow standards
Too creative to be the same as every other person
Your mind won't focus
It'll wander

I wonder why we have to all be the same
Why we have to 'fit in'
In order
To be noticed
In order
To be "cool"

The world is teaching us that in order to succeed
We must be the same
As every other person before us

But I will not live by society's teachings

You go from tired
To dying

You go from not wanting to eat
To not being able to

You go from not wanting to wake
To staying in bed all day

You go from skipping a shower every few days
To showering
Maybe once a month

You go from unmotivated
To incapable

You went from tired to dying
And no one noticed

I
Am going from tired to dying
And everyone around
Chooses to ignore
The look in my eyes
Or more so
The look that's not there

The wait starts to fade

You may be asking
The wait for what?

The wait for happiness
The wait for a real smile

The wait for these things
Is starting to fade

Soon I will no longer have to wait
And that's
Because of you

You have started gathering
The broken pieces of my heart
And so far
You have about half

And right now
I'm hoping
One day
You'll have them all

Then piece me back together

You broke me

You broke me with your words
And you broke me with your gaze

You told me you loved me
Then became distant for days

You broke me with your habits
And addictions

You took my heart
And wrapped it in flames

Maybe you thought that
Would warm it back up
But all it did
Was burn it apart
And now it's in ashes
So I can't fix it
Because

You
Broke
Me

Eternally

Confused
That is what I am
About everything
That has to do with you

Because I know
You will never want me
Because I'm not your type
Nor am I a typical girl

But even so
I have to say this
Because if I don't
I'll end up telling you everything

Your smile is like a cold
It's contagious if you get too close
But unlike a cold
It draws you in

Your voice is like the sun
It fills me with warmth
But the minute it's gone
I become cold again

You hugged me one time
And it was like nothing before
Every bad feeling just flew out the door
That's when I knew I loved you
But I cant say a thing

So
I will observe you in painful silence
And cherish every word
Every gesture
Every glance
Every feeling
Hoping one day
It won't just be me
Feeling this way
But I know that's just a stupid fantasy

So every night
And every morning
I'll stay in silence
And put on a mask of false hope
And cover my mouth with restraining lies
Until one day I falter

Until that day I will lay awake
Every night
Thinking of you
Because you occupy my every thought
And keep me awake with thoughts of being called yours
And
Every morning
I'll wake up tired
But with hope that
Maybe I'll see you today
Maybe
Just maybe

I’m falling
Not physically
But mentally

I know you want to catch me
I know you want to save me
But you can’t anymore

I have fallen too far
I have fallen
Past the ground
Past the clouds

Wait-
That’s up

I thought you said you were falling?
I am

I’m not falling down though
I’m falling up
Because I have fallen so far down
I have gone past the middle
And started falling up

Now
I am up
In space
And I can’t breath here

Physically I am still here
In my bed
At my house
With my dog

But mentally I’m in a void with just me
Nothing else
Just me and the darkness that holds me captive

Physically I can move
Mentally I’m stuck

Physically I can scream
But mentally I’m held back

Physically I can speak
But mentally all I can speak of
Is the easy
Never the true

Physically I’m alive
But mentally
I’m

LOST

Hey
I say

Two hours later
Or maybe even more
You reply
You say
I was busy
I say ok
We talk for maybe thirty mins
Then once again
You say you have to go

Where have you been going?
That's what I wanna ask
But I don't wanna be one of those clingy *** girlfriends
That no one wants

But that's who I am
So why don't I show it?
Because I mean I already have
But even so I still try to hide it

But please
Tell me why
And tell me where
You have been going
Cause you have been distant lately

Youre getting
Further
And further
And further
Away

We used to hang out almost every day
But it was two weeks before friday
So how long will the wait be
This time?

It's already been two days
Which isn't bad
But the longer I wait
The more I get sad
Because the longer I wait
The more I feel you will leave
And find someone better
And I'll never know where you met her

Distant
So
So
So
Distant
But why?

You told me yesterday
And since then all I wanna do is cry

Because it's my fault
And now I don't know how to fix it
So im sorry
But im breaking my promise
Cause the only thing that'll make me calm
Is the splitting of skin
And the smell of sin
As blood drips down along and around my wrist

Along with every forgotten wish

I say
Sorry

I get no reply
Because you're busy

One day
I'll saygoodbye
But once again
I'll get no reply
And you'll be too late

You tell me
You won't ever leave

But that's what everyone else said too
But then I ended up losing them
The way I don't ever wanna lose you

But hey if I do lose you
I'll be okay
Or at least that's what I'll tell myself
Before I fade away

So hey
You tell me you won't ever leave me
And you ask me to never leave you

But one day
I'll be afraid
Your drifting away

So I'll say goodbye
Before you can
Then I'll cry
Because of me
And not because of you

Because
If it's my fault
It'll hurt less

But if it's your fault
I'll wanna put you through a test

What test?
Well
Let's just say

If you leave I'm gonna test
How long can you last?
How long can you withstand my words?
How long until you falter under the words I speak?
How long until you can't stand me repeating the lies you said?
How long until you break?

Because I know just the right things to say
To make you fade away
The way you made me

So please don't leave me
Cause I don't wanna hurt you
But if you do
That's what I'll have to do

You say you will try
Next time

But then
That next time comes
And what do you do?

You disregard the words you spoke
Then once again
I get upset
And once again
You say
Next time

But really
What does next time mean?

Does next time really mean never?
Because you have been telling me
Next time
Forever

But I still hold on to you
And this false hope
That next time
It'll be true

But hey
Now I'm mad
And now I'm sad
I tell you
And what do you do?

You say you will try to be better
You tell me sorry
Sorry for what?
Sorry for being a bad boyfriend

I forgive you
You say you'll try
And you ask me not to leave you like last time
Hoping there won't be a next time

But for all those nextimes of false hope
I give you the next time
You wouldn't give me

I thought
I would be lonely
Much longer

But then
You came along

Soft eyes
Fluffy hair

Cute smile
Attractive stare

I thought
I would be lonely
Much longer

But now I have you

Normally
Cookies
Are seen as sweet
As something
For a child to enjoy
Or at least that's the stereotype

And normally
Wine
Is seen as bitter
And something
For grown ups to enjoy
Or at least that's the stereotype

But
Children are now drinking wine
And
Adults are eating cookies

Adults look the other way about the children
With wine

And children look the other way about parents
Eating cookies they can't have

Why have things turned around?

Why have things changed?

Maybe because the children saw adults
Using wine
To dull pain
And so they tried it
Even though the aftermath
Was also painful
It was less painful than the rest of the world

And maybe because parents realized that if they put *** in their cookies
The children would stop stealing
And sneaking them

But both have backfired

Because now the children have more problems than before

I am running

I am running away from my past
For I'm tired of dwelling there

I am running away from my feelings
Yet I always end up circling back

I am running away from from most thoughts
For they remind me of too much

I am trying to run away from many things

But my heart
Is running
Towards you

"Father, why do you yell at me?"
"Because sometimes you're too much"

"Father,why do you hurt me?"
"So what you understand pain"

"Father, why won't you hug me?"
"Because I won't always be here"

"Father, when will you find help and get better?"
"When the time comes"

"Maria, why do you yell at yourself?"
"Because my own mind is too much"

"Maria, why do you hurt yourself?"
"So that I understand pain"

"Maria, why do you avoid me?"
"Because it'll hurt less when I'm gone"

"Maria, why won't you find help and get better?"
"Because you made me this way, father"

You push me
Day in
And day out

You expect me to never fall
But
I don't work that way

I can't stand on the edge of a cliff
And feel safe

Your words
Stand me on an edge
That I don't know
How to get away from

Stop pushing me
For if you don't
I'm gonna fall

It won't be
Too far a fall
But it will be
Far enough for me
That I won't be able
To get back up

Currently
I am
In love

Not with just anybody
No

I am
In love
With someone amazing

But who also
Doesn't seem to see me
In the same way

They say to me
I need to figure things out

But what does that really mean?

Sometimes I overthink
And I ask myself
What if that really means I don't feel the same
Yet I don't want to hurt you?
What if that's what that means?

What would I do then?
Because I'm so completely committed
That if they turned me down
I wouldn't know where to run

What would I do then?
Because when I realized my love
My feeling for every other person
I used to like
Disappeared  

I can't explain why
But I fell for you

I fell for a person who I get reminded of
Every turn I take
Yet I doubt it's the same for him

There's a forest in my soul
The leads to my heart

There is many things in the forest
Most
If not all
Are hidden

To reach my heart you must make it through

You must make it past
The forgetting paths
They often forget where they are supposed to go

You must make it past
The clingy wolfs
Sometimes they forget how far
Is too far

You must make it past
The overthinking bears
For they'll pin you down in a death like grip
But then stay there
For they start to overthink

Last
But not least

You must make it across
Lust lake
For sometimes
Depending on the way I act
It can drown you
In temptation

I have an obsession with
Black
White
Fuzzy
And playful
I have an obsession
With pandas

I have an obsession with
Melodies
Words
Lyrics
And flow
I have an obsession
With music

I have an obsession with
Paper
Pens
Meaning
And rhyme
I have an obsession
With poetry

I have an obsession with
Quirky
Wierd
Gay
And heart-felt
I have an obsession
With anime

I have an obsession with
Orange
Cuddly
Funny
And caring
I have an obsession
With auguste
And
His love

My heart is yours
But yours is distant

Every day I fall for you a little more
And my heart flies a little further
Towards you

Yet every day you restrain your heart
Instead of letting it fly free

So your heart is as distant
As
The distance
Between us

So
I'll start building a bridge
That will one day reach you
And hopefully
You don't knock that bridge down

Fly with wings of flame
Then maybe
You can withstand hr fiery eyes

Fly with wings of water
Then maybe
You won't drown in the depths of her soul

Fly with wings of earth
Then maybe
You won't be buried by her words

Fly with wings of air
Then maybe
You can glide the distance
To
Her heart

She looks into his eyes
All she sees is a hazed over mist

He has been hurt many a time
But so has she

His eyes are misty
Hers are clear

Everyone knows he's broken
But no one sees her

He has never been able to hide
But she has mastered deception

So she goes on unoticed
Faking a smile
And the look in her eyes

He goes on noticed
But only by his brokeness

They may sound
Like they would be alone
But
They have eachother

He knows the truth she hides
And helps her express it

She makes him happy
And makes his eyes light

They have eachother
And each others enough

There is a boy

He is marked by time
But his soul is untouched

He has been through abuse
From his father
And mother
And a girl or two
Yet his soul is untouched

He has been rejected
By girls
And guys alike
Also by his own family
Yet his soul is untouched

This boy has been beat
This boy has been broke

His heart is shattered
Into many peices

He is alone
In the sense
He has no people

But
The shadows are
His home

So in the shadows
His friends dwell
And keep his soul alive
And untouched

I get used
In many ways

I get used for touch
I get used for lust

I get used for comfort
I get used for my love

I get used
Day by day

And no one cares
How broken
I'm becoming

Because
Why would anyone care
About a toy?

Don't tell me
I'm not a toy

Because if I wasn't
Why am I treated like one?

Honestly
Tell me why

I don't want to be used
To be a toy

I want someone to hold me
Cause they wanna keep me safe
Not cause they want comfort
Not cause they feel lonely and want someone to hold

I want someone to kiss me
Because they can't resist
And cause they wanna make me happy
Not cause they want pleasure
Not cause they want more from it

I want someone to hold my hand
Because they want to
Because maybe they like making me feel safe
Not because I like them and they don't wanna be rude
Not because they feel bad for me
Because of my past

I want someone
To love me
And all my broken peices
And not be pretending

I don't know what it is
But there's something different about you

When I'm with you I don't feel like
I have to pretend as much
As I do with everyone else

When you hold me I not only feel safe
I also feel calm

When you hold my hand
I feel free

There's something different about you
And I don't know what it is
But I love it

Wait for you
That's what I'll do

I'll wait for you
For however long you need me too

Cause I can't imagine
Losing you

You ended things
Because you couldn't handle a relationship
At lest that's what you said

But really
It was because
You didn't love me

So stop with the lies
And tell me the truth

Because
I no longer
Want to hurt

I want you to hold my hand
And along with it
Help hold my fears

I want you to hold me close
And keep me safe

I want you to kiss me
Like the minute I go
You'll miss me

I want you to make me smile
And make me laugh
Like I never have before

I want you to let me hold your hand
And help hold your fears

I want you to let me hold you close
And keep you safe

I want you to let me kiss you
Like the second you go I'll miss you

I want you to let me make you smile
And make you laugh
Like no one ever could
And no one else ever will

I want my heart to be yours
And yours to be mine
But maybe it's too soon

So I'll wait in the shadows of your smiles
And hope one day you fall for me
The way I have fallen for you

What's the point of making friends
When people just think
I'm always gonna fall for them

What's the point of liking people if I have to keep it a secret
Because if I don't I can't hang out with them without getting
'A talk'

What's the point of anything
If everything I do is wrong?

Tell me
What's the point

Follow me
Follow them

Follow this
Follow that

Fall for her
But not for me

Fall for him
But not for me

Round and round the cycle goes
People only liking people
For show

Dressed up in smiles
Dressed up in frowns

Dressed up in pride
Dressed up to hide

Dressed up for success
Dressed up to fail

Dressed up in love
Dressed up in lust

Dressed up in confidence
Dressed up in fear

I am one
But also both

Hold me close
Keep me safe

Wrap your arms around my shoulders
Wrap your arms around my waist

Hold my hand
Pull me close

Make silly jokes
And make me smile

For when I smile for you
My smile is true
And when I see your smile on your face
All my fears and doubts
Are erased

Missing you
And along with you
A part of me

You have a piece of my heart
And I have a piece of yours

We traded
So now we must keep the others piece safe

Otherwise me and you
Will both break

There is a girl
Her name is
Raven

She's beautiful

Ocean eyes
Fair skin
Short hair
Dim smile

Her presence
Sends shivers

She's beautiful
But her heart
Is dressed in thorns

Anyone who tries to take care of her heart
Gets hurt
And she uses those thorns
To mark her skin
For her many sins

She's beautiful
Yet untouchable

What if I kissed you?
Would you kiss me back?
Or push me away?

What if I hugged you and held you near?
Would you pull me closer?
Or hold me at a distance?

What if I wanted to call you mine?
Would you call me yours?
Or walk away?

Hold me close
Hold me near

Don't hold me like you wanna touch me
Hold me like you wanna love me

Wrap your arms around my waist
Don't lead them any other place

Pull me close
Keep me safe

For your arms around me
Brings me peace

I
Think
I
Love
You

He writes poetry
But no one knows

He writes poetry
He writes about love
And loss

He writes about smiles
And frowns

He writes about sorrow
And forgotten towns

He writes about how lost he gets
Caught up in his own mind

He writes poetry to
And about others

But no one knows

Know one knows the depth of his soul
Because they all choose to see the exterior
And that exterior screams

Preppy
And preppy
Don't have souls

Or so they thought
Until the day he was consumed
By his own poetry

Forgotten wishes
When we turn
Four

Forgotten dreams
When we turn
Six

Forgotten friendships
When we turn
Eight

Forgotten imagination
When we turn
Ten

Forgotten smiles
When we turn
Twelve

Forgotten crushes
When we turn
Fourteen

Forgotten love
When we turn
Sixteen

Forgotten stories
When we turn
Eighteen

Forgotten family
When we turn
Twenty

We forget
And we remember

Every new memory comes at a cost
For every memory gained
A memory is lost

Every time I see a couple
My heart whisper
Nathaniel

Every time I see people cuddling
My heart whispers
Nathaniel

Every time I see people holding hands
My heart whispers
Nathaniel

Every time I hear people say I love you to each other
My heart whispers
Nathaniel

Every time I see people kissing
My heart whispers
Nathaniel

Every night as I lay awake
Alone
Wishing I had someone to hold me
My heart whispers
Nathaniel

Every time I listen to music
No matter the song
My mind wanders
And my heart whispers
Nathaniel

My heart whispers his name
Day in
Day out

It whispers his name
And it doesn't let me forget it

It will never allow me to forget

If I was a guy would people like me the same?
Hate me the same?

Would they treat me the same?
Or would they like me more?

Would they treat me the same?
Or would they hate me more?

If I was a guy would I be as lost?
Would I be as broken?
Would my past no longer be the past that it is?

If I was a guy would my dad have ever touched me?

If I was a guy would I still be just as used?
Just as worthless?
Just as lonely?

Or would I have somebody to hold?
Would I have somebody to call my own?

If I was a guy
Would I still be me?
Or have an entirely different reality

You have now left me

As I sit here fighting away more tears
I wonder
Do you remember all the things I wrote about you?
Do you remember the poem called You that I wrote?

You probably don't

Even though you left me today it feels like it was forever ago
For you seem so far away from me

Did you think about the fact that you come over early every thursday so you can get to youth?
Wether I'm coming or not?

You probably didn't

Now every time you come over
I will retreat
I will retreat to my bedroom
To the bathroom
Or out the door
So I can find somewhere quite to cry

Because your smile gave me life
Your gaze gave me butterflies

You are utterly beautiful in my eyes
But you don't see yourself that way

So you break
And then you leave me
Because 'you can't handle a relationship'
I understand
But my heart still shattered when I read those words

Tears instantly swelled my eyes and started to pour
Just like rain on a lonely night

Now tonight as I go lay in my bed
I will stare out my window
At the wall
Or the roof

Remembering your smile
Remembering your laugh
Remembering how safe I felt next to you
Pressed into you
And just near you

I will lay there as tears streak my cheeks
As I remember the way my heart would beat just at the sight of you
As I remember the way my heart would break when I saw the smile falter from your face

For I didn't want you to feel broken like me
Because you deserve to be happy

You are beautiful to me
And you always will be

Now as I sit here my thoughts will not leave you

If anyone asks for me to be theirs I will probably say no
And I probably will for many years

But if I say yes I will not truly love them
For I will forever remember when you were my puppy
And I was your kitten