You make my life livable

You make my smile believable

You make my laugh true

You make me happy

But the thought of you one day being gone makes me sad

But based on my reputation I'll be fine

Based on my reputation I'll move on soon

Based on my reputation you won't matter after a few days

But reputations lie

Because if you were gone my life will be less bearable

Because if you were gone my smile would always be fake

Because if you were gone I would never be able to truly laugh

Because if you were gone my smile would disappear

I love you more than anyone before
So if you were gone my heart would shatter completely

It would forever be in pieces

I am now fourteen

I am at the age where boys high five each other for no longer being a ******

I am at the age where girls gossip about *** and squeal about the details

I am now at the age where people will ask me if I am still pure

But when they ask me I don't know what to say

For if I say no they will ask me how I lost it
But I don't want to say
For I didn't lose it to someone I love
I didn't lose it to a cute guy or girl like you
I lost it on several occasions in the darkness of my room
I lost it in the shower of my own home
I lost it over and over again for four years
I lost it to my father

I didn't lose it the way others did
For I lost it on nights where my mom and dad fought
I first lost it at nine

Every time he would touch me
Or **** me
I would pretend to be asleep
Unless it happened in the shower

I would pretend to be asleep because I didn't know what else to do
For I was afraid to go against him
Because he yelled and hit me and my brother if he even suspected we did something wrong
So every night after he would leave my room I would open my eyes as tears cascaded my cheeks
My heart overflowing with nothing but misery
And my mind filled with nothing but fear

When he would touch me in the shower I would go along with it for I couldn't do anything else
I lived in fear for many many years
Even before he started to touch me

So when people ask me if I am a ****** I don't know what to say
For if I say yes I am lying
And if I say yes I have to explain

And every night I lay awake in fear of sleep
For if I sleep he will once again haunt me in my dreams
So I only sleep during the early morning when the sun first starts shining

And when I have to shower I stand in the water
Fighting away tears
Fighting away fear
Fighting away the memories

I didn't lose it the way others do
I didn't lose it to someone I love

I lost it to the person who was supposed to protect me

I lose it to the person who was supposed to love me
But not in that way

I lost it to my own father
Over
And over
Again
And again

Until I finally told someone

Until I finally left him behind

But he still haunts my thoughts every hour
Every day

For ever and ever

Because even though he's no longer physically there
He still haunts me

So no
I am not a ******
For my innocence was stolen long ago
Along with my heart and soul

I'm sorry I pushed you too far
That last night

You were hurting
And so was I
But I hurt you more
And pushed you too far

You couldn't take it anymore
Everyone mad
Everyone leaving
Everyone disappointed
Angry
Annoyed
You just couldn't take it anymore

So on that last night
You told me you did it again
I thought you had stopped
But that night you relapsed
I got mad
I was sad

I yelled at you
Over text of course
For it was long distance
So I couldn't really be there for you in the way you needed

You told me you wanted to die

I was mad

I said go ahead

I ended the skype call

I cried myself to sleep

Then I woke up and said sorry
But all I got in reply was
'He's no longer here'

So now I sit here
Remembering you
Fighting away tears

I don't want people to ask why I'm crying
For I pushed you over the edge
I pushed you a little too far
And now every once in awhile
I wake up in tears

For I remember your fears
They were losing everyone you loved

One of them was losing me or me bring mad at you

That last night I ignored your fears
And pushed you too far

Now I sit here fighting away tears
Whispering silently in my thoughts
'I'm sorry'

When I was little
I didn't really have friends

When I was little
I never had much fun
For I was depressed by six

When I was little
I didn't wish for ponies or dresses
I wished for protection or some way to escape

When I was little
I didn't fantasize about magical lands and unicorns
I fantasized about safe nights and days free of yelling

When I was little I wasn't scared of the monsters under my bed
For they were my friends
I was scared of the monster who I called dad

When I was little I never got homesick
I got sick of home

When I was little
I had a childhood
But not for long

Drowning in thought

Drowning in memories

Everyday I'm drowning
And no one seems to see

Finally leaving
Finally gone

My time has come
For me to leave

Not forever
For I shall visit

But not for awhile

The time has come for me to go

To go back to my mom
To go back to my brother

Finally leaving
Finally gone

Don't miss me for I shall visit
But instead stay in touch
And don't forget me

I will still need you time to time
Don't cry for my absence
Instead smile for hope of my next visit

I will not disappear
So do not fear
For I shall visit
Every once in awhile

So don't cry
Smile

No food
No sleep
I can't let these things reach out and speak sweet lies
I can't let food call my name
I can't let sleep drown my thoughts

I shouldn't eat
I can't sleep

This is me

I am broken girl
Who can't eat
In fear I weigh too much

I am a broken girl who can't sleep
For my thoughts and memories
Haunt me too much

I am a broken girl who answers 'how are you?'
With 'I'm alright' even when I'm not even close
Because I don't want you to worry
I don't want you to fret
Over a broken soul

I am a broken girl who says 'I have been busy'
when someone asks me why I haven't done something
I have been busy just not in the way they think
I have been busy trying not to give into hunger
I have been busy fixating on how I'm broken
I have been busy
But not in the way they think

I am a broken girl who has let her demons
creep up on her too much

I am a broken girl who has surrendered
her soul

I am a broken girl who dates so she feels
worth something because I don't when I'm alone

I date because I need to depend on someone
Because I am not dependable for anyone
Let alone myself

I date so I can hear someone say I love you
So I can hear someone call me beautiful
Cute
Amazing
And so many other things
Even if I don't believe it

I am a broken girl who has lost so many relationships
Five to death
And so many others just because they left
I was no longer good enough
No longer happy enough
No longer
PRETENDING

I am a broken girl who pretends
And when I stop people leave

Because I am too broken

I am too clingy

I am too demanding

I'm just not enough

Or I'm too much

THIS IS ME

But no one sees
Until I let them

And when I do they worry

But please don't worry
Because you didn't when you didn't know
So why worry now?

I'm still the same me
You just couldn't see all the flaws that my eyes do

You don't see the way I do

I see a girl who's eyes are too big

I see a girl who isn't thin enough

I see a girl who's hair doesn't suit her no matter what

I see a girl with too many scars

I see a girl
But I don't

For all I can see now is a walking flaw

And no one knows that
THIS IS ME

Green eyes

Fair skin

Dark hair

Not chubby
Not thin

Dark humor

Dark clothes

Black room

Red flaws

This is my imagination

Everyone always says
"See the forest for the trees."
But no one ever says
"But be careful of what might be lurking underneath."

So the monsters have gone unnoticed and have started to attack by entering our minds and making us lack any feeling of our own

Deep down we know
But we still venture where we shouldn't go

Every night I cry
And every night I try to be alright

But every night I fail because my demons shout all of my dreams away

She sits up high and looks at everything yet to come

He sits down low and looks up at his past

She sees him
And he sees her

He is her future
But she is his past

She walks the halls with a mysterious pride
Yet she has no friends
So where does it come from?

Her dad left her long ago
When she was still small and innocent
So where does it come from?

Her mom always works so she's mostly left alone
So where does it come from?

You wouldn't understand
But that's her goal

She's mysteriously captivating

Your wrists burn with late night thoughts

Your lungs are toxic with words uttered from others

Your face is masked by the beauty of want

You define your wight with harsh criticism

You are beautifully broken
And peacefully harsh

No one will notice

No one will see

Because no one pays attention to the broken girl that's me

I hate how much I weigh

I hate the way I look

I hate the way I feel sick after I eat but still give into the hunger anyway

I hate how I push people away

I hate how no one sees me worth enough for them to stay

I hate how I always give people a million reasons to walk away

I hate my scars

I hate that I always fake a smile

I hate that I always fake a laugh

I hate how easily everyone walks away

I hate my past

I hate change

I hate pretending I don't hate things

I hate how you ignore my tears

I hate how you discard my fears

I hate how you always forget important things

I hate how you pretend nothing happened

I hate overthinking

I hate a lot of things but most of all I hate myself
And I'm tired of being this way

I'm tired of crying

I'm tired of trying

I'm tired of lying

I'm tired of being tired

I'm tired of your lies

I'm tired of hearing goodbye

I'm tired of feeling worthless

I'm tired of feeling pathetic

I'm tired of feeling unwanted

I'm tired of not being strong enough

I'm tired of hating that I'm tired

Why did you touch me that first night?
When I was wrapped up in sweet memories

Why did you lure me into the hot steam of a shower and show me you loved me in a way that's not right?

Why when I became distant, faded, and lost did you demand me to hug you because you were at a loss without the sweet relief of my pale skin?

Why when it started did I believe it was okay? That it was normal and I shouldn't worry enough to tell

Why when I became scarred in more ways than one did you yell at me? Was it because my sweet skin was no longer clear and soft? Was it because you only loved me because you could touch me and now the skin that you liked to touch had become rough and undelightful?

Why do you continue to poison their minds with lies?
And try to tell me you didn't do anything wrong when we both know you did

Why did you touch me so many times and expect me to never leave you behind?

You never loved me
You loved the sweet relief you got from touching my skin and soul

The only people I have now are Shiloh and my little bear

No one else seems to care
And no one else is there

Now I'm mostly alone with no official place to call home

No other friends
So no more need to pretend

I can pretend that I don't need anyone else
Even though I may

In the end it doesn't really matter anyway
Because I have never really had any real friends

Maybe it's because I always pretend

Maybe if you love me I'll love you

Maybe if I disappear I will be forgotten

Maybe if I'm clingy you will leave

Maybe if it's dark you won't have to see me cry

Maybe if I break your heart you'll shatter mine

Maybe if it's loud I can finally scream

Maybe if you hold me I'll hold you

Maybe when I smile you'll think it's real

Maybe when I laugh it won't sound fake

Maybe when I cry my face will feel dry

Maybe in the morning my wrist'll be stained red

Maybe one day I'll actually stay in bed

Maybe one day I'll find a way

Maybe one day there will no longer be a tomorrow

Maybe one day won't end in sorrow

Maybe one day I won't miss you at night

Maybe one day I won't wake up in tears

Maybe one day I'll sleep my life away

Maybe one day I'll die in a peaceful way

Maybe one day I'll only be a memory

Maybe one day I'll be able to say I'm okay

Maybe one day I'll marry my past

Maybe one day I'll accept my reality

Maybe one day I'll wear colour again

Maybe one day I won't feel so numb

Maybe one day when I cut I'll feel the pain

Maybe one day I'll stop pushing people away

Maybe one day I'll let someone stay

Maybe one day I won't have to lie

Maybe one day I'll write one last poem

Maybe one day I'll face my fears

Maybe one day your smile will no longer dry my tears

Maybe one day you'll leave me behind

Maybe one day I'll be left to cry

Maybe one day I'll have heard a thousand goodbyes

Maybe one day I'll be able to look into your eyes

Maybe one day you'll stop feeding them lies

Maybe one day I'll hear your bark again

Maybe one day I'll stop missing you

Maybe one day I'll stop crying over you

Maybe one day you'll stop loving me

Maybe one day I won't miss you so much

Maybe one day I'll stop collecting

Maybe one day I'll only wear one

Maybe one day you'll leave me alone

Maybe one day I'll stop trying

Maybe one day I won't be able to cry

Maybe one day I'll burn them away

Maybe one day nothing will be the same

Maybe one day I'll be more careful

Maybe one day my memories of you will go away

Maybe one day there will no longer be a today

Maybe one day I'll officially declare you my forever and always

Maybe one day music won't be my only escape

Maybe one day I'll no longer want to die

Maybe one day you'll hold my tears at bay

Maybe one day I'll be led astray

Maybe I deserve to go back

Maybe I don't deserve you

Maybe I deserve the bad
But not the good

Maybe I deserve to be yelled at and for everyone to leave

Maybe I deserve for no one to love me
And for no one to care

Maybe I deserve to be hurt
And have no on there to help me

Maybe I deserve to be left behind
And not even looked back upon

But no matter what I deserve I won't stop fighting and I won't stop trying to deserve something more

I'm glad you're mine
You can make me happy and make me smile no matter how I feel

I love you more than I can explain
And I can't get you off my mind

I wish I could always hold you in my arms and never have to let you go

You make me happier than anyone I know
And that I knew

Your smile is like the moon to me
It makes my dark nights have at least a bit of light

I hope I can call you my little bear forever and always

Where did I go wrong?
What did I do to make most people hate me?

Because no matter what I do I can't hate them too
I just hope that one day they say they were wrong

Their smile could light up a room

Their laugh can drown out my thoughts

Their eyes see me for who I am not who I pretend to be

Their hands are as soft as silk

The way they walk
The way they talk
The way they look at me
The way they act has me entranced

But I shouldn't love them because they are taken

Music is always there

When I'm mad music is there to calm me down

When I'm lost music is there to help me move on

When I'm sad music is there to lift me up

When I'm happy music is there to keep me in check

When I'm anxious music is there to keep me calm

Most of all music was there when you weren't at all

You told me you loved me

You said you loved me more than I loved you

You told me you didn't know what you would do without me

Then you left me
Because I was no longer good enough

You left me to cry
You left me feeling like I wanted to die

You left me worse off then you said you'd be without me

So next time someone tells me they love me more
Don't be surprised when I don't cry when you leave

Emotions aren't just people

Emotions are in the rain

Emotion is in a storm

There is emotion in the way a tree droops

There is emotion in the way things grow

There's emotion in everything around, you just have to look a little deeper

I observe
I don't approach

I observe the way you talk

I observe the way you use gestures

I observe the way you walk

I observe the things you do when you have a crush

I observe the way you act towards the people you like

I observe the way you act when you're in love

I observe until I can understand when you're nervous
Until I know when you are happy
Until I know when you're mad
Until I know when you're sad
Until I know when you feel lonely

I observe until there's nothing left to learn
I do it so I can fit it and so I know how not to make a mistake

I have now done it so much I know how someones feeling even when they don't say a thing

Love and fear

People use them in the same sentence
In the same story
In the same instance a lot

They could almost be referred to as synonyms

Why are they used so often the same?
This is a question many may ask

This is my answer

It's because you have to go through the fear of loss
You have to go through the fear of abandonment
You have to be rejected then found

You have to get over the fear of being forgotten to experience the freedom
To experience the passion
That comes with true love

All I have to say is don't give into the fear
Give it up

One day you will find love

You might find it in the smile of a friendly passerby

You might find it in the lonely stare of cold eyes

You might find it where you thought no one went but you

You might find it in your best friend

You might find it in the middle of the school hall

You may find it where you never expected it to be at all
Or you might find it where you always knew it would be

No matter what you will find it eventually

But be careful
Because if you don't you may lose it forever
Never to feel it again

Every day I wait

I wait for the day that I'll hear your voice

I wait for the day I'll be able to take in your every feature

I wait for the day I'll be in your arms and you in mine

I wait for the day I can officially declare you real

I wait for the day I can tell you I love you with more than just a thought

Every day I wait
And every night I cry

I wait for the day I don't have to wait any longer

Life is a dream

So if you try hard enough maybe you can change the outcome

For some the dream may be more like a nightmare though
And some don't have enough energy left to alter their reality

My heart has been broken
And my heart has been mended

My heart has been frozen
And it has felt warmth

My heart has been shattered
And glued back together

My heart has felt more emotions in one day then some feel in a month

So next time you call me heartless
Think again

I sing one last song

It speaks of heartbreak
And it speaks of love

It speaks of truth
And it speaks of lies

It speaks of smiles
And it speaks of frowns

It speaks of houses
And it speaks of homes

It speaks of betrayal
And it speaks of trust

It speaks of freedom
And of being trapped

It speaks of the simple
And it speaks of the complicated

It speaks of dreams
And nightmares alike

I sing one last song
And it tells of my adventures

I sing this one last song to the people that care
And when I finish all they can do is stare

Maybe if I write I can escape this reality

Maybe if I sing I can drown out the comments

Maybe if I draw I won't want to cut

Maybe if I listen to music I can drown out my thoughts

Maybe if I make you mad at me I don't have to be mad at myself

Maybe if I read I can escape this world

Maybe if you touch me you can replace some bad memories

Maybe if you hug me I'll fall apart

Maybe if you love me I'll push you away

Maybe if you leave me I'll be right

Maybe if we fight I'll become silent

Maybe if I'm crowded I'll slowly shrink away

Maybe if I crawl into a small place he can't get me

Maybe if you kiss me I'll kiss you back

Maybe if you avoid me my love will finally go away

Maybe if you keep talking I don't have to listen to my thoughts

Maybe if its cold I can freeze my emotions

Maybe if it's cold my emotions will run free

Maybe in a year I'll have cried a thousand tears

Maybe one day my demons will let my soul rest

Maybe one day the world will stop giving me tests

Maybe one day I will smile again

Maybe one day my laugh will ring loudly

Maybe one day I'll sing a song about joy

Maybe one day my memories won't haunt me

Maybe one day I'll sing one last song

Maybe one day I'll say a final goodbye

Maybe one day I'll write my last words

Maybe one day my cries will be heard

Maybe one day I'll fade away