And now I keep my distance.
Unable to trust,
to believe I'm worthy of love,
that I am anyones only one.
All  faith in good intentions
was torn out
when you left.
I cant share my heart anymore,
with anyone.
It's ******
and scarred.

So congratulations
you broke something
deep inside me,
punched through flesh and bone
to pull the plug
on my world.
Left me drowning
in insecurity.
And now
I flinch at the kindest touch,
and laugh at sincerity.

How bold of me
to keep thinking I'm fine
on my own.
To forget the heaviest clouds
are waiting to catch me alone
Their deluge
of insecurity,
anxiety,
numbing sobriety,
comes crashing down.
A reminder of countless
empty nights I survived.
Feeling a pulse to ground me.
And I remember
everything
and I am not okay.

My circumstance destroys everything.
I build,
and I build knowing
that all will be left
unfinished, deserted, ruined,
a ghost, a photograph.
And all that is assured is the anguish
of what could have been,
what was,
and what cant be.
Each time Im reminded
of all my faults, my mistakes,
the choice that I made,
to be here,
and not there,
not with her,
and it hurts.
Leaves me empty
and questioning
why I even try
to build happiness
anymore.

Im sorry,
but tonight
I want to forget
everything
and everyone before
this night.
Ill drink and medicate,
let go of control,
for just a night.
I just want to feel,
alright.
I want to be ok,
and want to cry
at the same time.
I want to be wanted
and give love.
I want to laugh
and look at her smile
all night.
I want to smile back.
Search her eyes
and memorize
their hazel perfection.

These days I'm not alone,
but holding your hand wont fix me,
arms around you cant keep me whole
laying by your side doesnt stop
the bleeding.
Some scars cut too deep
go straight through me.
And I'll never feel truly whole enough for the beautiful people
in my life.
Wishing I wasnt still so empty
at 2AM when thoughts creep in.
While all I want
is to give you the stars,
and be the best man I can be,
and while you think I am
I'm not sure
and you dont see.

How powerful a place is.
Ghosts of memories
overlapping, replaying, echoing
on our present stage.
Time floating by
on winds of change,
winter and spring
to bite or caress
our skin.
The inevitable
elements that always
bring us to the end,
or the beginning.