Midnight
Mid July
Even 22 degrees at night
Moonlit walk
Beams on the ocean
Hot and drunk from sweet cheap wine
Pebble pushed footsteps
Fake tan and hair dye
A fresh breeze in my lash extensions
The night and I juxtapose each other
Like two parts of myself I could mention

Midnight,
Mid July,
Even 22 degrees at night,
A full moon illuminates my home ,
Beams silver white on the Solent,
Hot and drunk from the lambrini I drank from a plastic cup,
Pebble pushed footsteps crunching my air force 1’s into periglacial river gravel,
cockle shells and swell softened glass dented by my progress.
St Moriz medium dark tan mingling with the scent of the black Schwarzkopf cloaking my mousey brown roots.
A warm breeze tangling my lash extensions.
The night is at peace with itself,
I am disguised as someone else.
Juxtaposing each other like two parts of myself I could mention.

What is there to pump my blood?
 I am devoid of heart and love.
Why do I care about my face,
And slaving for a brief embrace?
The only touch I crave is death.
The coldest skin, a rattled breath.
I’ve felt all that there is to feel.
The deepest pain, their pinching steel.
I’ve smiled and I have sliced my skin,
Religiously let demons in.
Invited them into my soul,
To take me with them when they go.
Regret for every choice I make,
I never cared what was at stake.
So what is there to get up for?
I won’t be what I was before.

If the only way to avoid heartbreak
Is to become the breaker
Then consider me the devil my love
For I will break whatever I please
To avoid you

Heaven is an Italian restaurant
The one from the Billy Joel song
You wait for me there with a glass of wine
And we’ll have a long conversation again
Heaven is the sunlight streaming in rays
Through the clouds over the sea
When the sky wears her grey jumper
Just out of reach to me for now
But I can swim in the reflections
And remind you that I don’t need reminding
Heaven is wherever you are
And wherever I’ll end up

Maybe I took for granted
How beautiful it felt
To climb in bed beside a person
To love the cards I was dealt

Maybe I was selfish
And didn’t choose to see
That you were struggling too
And it wasn’t only me

Maybe I was careless
And threw caution to the wind
Betrayed you and waylaid you
And bathed myself in sins

Well now although I’m happy
Become used to being alone
I still can’t help but feel like
I’m never really home

I don’t think I was ungrateful
Maybe selfish but I cared
I pray the world gives a second chance
For me to find love again out there

I belong to the far reaching sea,
I will have nothing if it will not have me.
I am born of the froth, and the waves marching strong.
I will die with the salt, and the fish all in throngs.
I have only one truth that I know to be true,
The ocean won’t falter when fickle men do.
Of all of the things I think myself to be,
Of just one I am sure,
I belong to the sea.

Sun soaked sadness
It’s sickening
The sores on my gums
Are thickening
Chewing my cheeks
In my sleep
Shout down my throat
I would echo
Rip through my skin find
Nothing within
I don’t want to die but
I can’t cry
Not anymore, emptier
Than before

So much time
And so much wine
So many tears
I have cried
If it all went away
On a day like today
I think I’d find
That I’d be fine

I’d love to say
I’ve no idea
But unfortunately
I’ve many
I’d love to say
I’ve plenty of cash
These days
I’ve barely any
I’d love to say
I’ve grown up strong
But really
I’ve grown small
I’d love to say I’m worth it
But it seems I’m not at all

I hate you so much
Because I love your stupid face
I hate it when you text me
Because I wait for it all day
I hate it when you lie
But I’ll still come back for more
I hate that we have fun
Because I wish you made me bored
I hate you in the morning
When I wake up from my dreams
I hate that you’re in every one
I can’t escape it seems
I hate you in the evening
When your face keeps me awake
And I hate you with each and every
Single breath I take.

I know by your face
At the arrivals gate
Your kisses on my neck
As soon as you came back
I know by how you’d rather
Lose money and time
Than me
That you love me
I know by the way you watch me
Without speaking
That you want to hear
What I am saying
I know without you telling
Your laugh, your arms are spelling
That you love me and though
You won’t say it out loud
I know

I’ll be fine
She says
After barely making it home
Without driving her car off a ******* bridge

I love the empty roads
Past midnight driving
Home from your house
I love my stinging eyes
Your cologne in my hair
And my aching bones
I love pretending you love
Me half as much
As I love you
I love everything about
You and me
And me
And also you

I miss the versions of myself,
That I've since packed away.
I miss the little girl,
Who played in her mind all day.
I miss the teenage rebel,
Who had no clue who to be.
I miss the young woman,
Who paved the way for me.
I miss the strength I had,
To face danger with a smile.
I miss the girl who used to run,
And appreciate each mile.
I miss the girl who loved herself,
When she had wider thighs.
The girl who without needles,
Looked fine in her own eyes.
I miss the me who made believe,
The me with endless hope.
I miss the me who slept and loved,
Inside my childhood home.
I miss myself but maybe
It’s all part of growing up.
Changing and transforming
Into me’s for me to love.

I was born just like you,
Reckless and free.
Strong and steady like mum,
I’ve grown up to be.
When I was young, you were fun.
You were silly and loud.
And everything I did,
Would made you proud.
We were thick as thieves then,
Partners in crime.
If I called you’d come running,
You made everything fine.
Then you changed,
You grew colder and older and sad.
The start of the rotting,
Of the closeness we had.
Now I still love you,
Like I did when I was three.
But these days I just feel like,
You don’t love me.
Once soft carpets I ran on,
Now eggshells of dread.
I no longer know with you,
Where’s safe to tread.
I still care enormously,
But I can’t take the bad.
At the centre of it all,
I just miss my Dad.

One first date (it was all it took)
Two bonfires (maybe three)
Three break ups (so far)
Four bad ideas (or were they all?)
Five hot tub dips (sounds about right)
Six lawnmower rides (that was new)
Seven heartbreaks (a day)
Eight other girls (probably)
Nine sleepless nights (a week)
Ten months…
…no..more…
Seventeen months
(But I never was good at counting).

‘Are you okay?’
Said the brain to the heart.
The heart screamed ‘NO’
Back up at the brain,
The brain rolled its eyes to itself
and said to the heart
‘get a grip’

I only write when I’m sad
But I suppose it is not all that bad
For if I only create
When I feel desolate
Then there is much creation to be had

Is this calm?
If I’m scared it has reason,
If I cry it is rhyme.
This must be calm.
Is this life?
If I care I have cause,
If I love then I try.
This must be life.
Is this what it’s like?
To feel fear that makes sense,
To cry, be incensed.
To care and to love,
To know it’s enough.
To be calm, to live, to be alive.
Is this really what it’s all like?

What happens when you bleed
To many times?
Do you run out of blood to shed?
Do you run out of dreams in bed?
What if I’ve met too many
Bad men?
Do I become just like them?
Do I stop loving and play pretend?
What if I’m cold and bloodless?
What if my feelings are spent?
Do I feel at all anymore?
How to I repent?

The trouble with me is that,
I’m completely immune to reality.
I’d always rather close my eyes and imagine
Than see anything at all.
In my dreams I can levitate,
I have always been able to.
And honestly though it sounds insane,
Dreaming has always seemed more real to me
Than living ever has.

Tell me another lie.
How about the one where you’ll always take care of me?
I loved that one.
What about the one about this being just as difficult for you?
But I never did believe that I’m afraid.
Tell me another lie again to make me smile.
I haven’t heard a good one in a while.

I make lists
Throughout the week
Each night before
I go to sleep
Monday is usually blue
Tuesday green
And Wednesday too
Thursday can be blue or red
Fridays purple
In my head
Saturday is a happy yellow
Sundays beige, calm and mellow
I make my lists
To get me through
So I remember what to do

The cruel irony in my nonchalance
When I gave you the space to move
The cruel trick in your ignorance
When you made me believe in love

One word to all your friends and
The same word to your mother
But difference in your words to me when you kept me under cover
You say it just is not that complicated
in your mind
But did you stop to think about
how it would sound in mine?

You labelled me with love and took it back all in one breath
Then expected me not to be shocked when your kindness died a death
I think I deserve answers and a reason for the cold
For honestly my fickle man for child’s play we’re too old.

I really do love love,
But love does not love me.
I love his hands upon my skin,
Though bruised my skin will be.
I love his kisses on my head,
Without them I’m as good as dead.
I love love though it breaks me,
So why does love just hate me?

Love isn’t even the word
There isn’t a word
For how my soul
Rests in the chaos
Of your world
Love isn’t even the feeling
Love isn’t enough
For how my hands
Want nothing but
To lay on you
I don’t even mind
What you think of me
Just see me sometimes
How I see you
Love me sometimes
Or pretend to
Treat me as bad as you can
As you do
And I my love, will still love you

If I told you that I love you,
Would you ever speak to me again?
If I never spoke to you again,
Would you realise that you love me?

I’m terrified to try either so I’ll stay in the middle.
Trapped between being your love and your stranger.

With my hips I sign my name
Into your pleasure,
Deeply,
Slow.
I cast my spell into your breath
And watch you fall
Below.
You’re sinking into me whether you
Like it, or you
Don’t.
Admit your love, succumb to me
My love, don’t sink
Just float.

I think of you every time I hear seagulls,
I think of you when I drink Diet Coke.
I loved the way that you made me feel safer,
I really loved the way that you spoke.
I hate how you never accept compliments,
I hate how you’re stubborn as hell.
I miss feeling your arms around me,
I really miss your kisses as well.
I know that it’s too complicated,
I know when I’m wrong and you’re right.
But I can’t stop feeling the way that I feel,
When I miss you in the day and at night.
I can’t pretend that it’s easy for me.
I’ve cried over you and it’s true,
That I think I’d have loved you if given the chance and I hope you’d have loved me too.

He said does it always rain when you cry?
I said yeah I think so.

The arms that held me
The hands that slaved
The eyes that watched
The heart that gave
The voice that told me
‘I know you can’
The dreams that held me
Before I met land
The laugh that taught me
It’s good to be fun
The warnings I heard
That meant done is done
The love I have known
With strength like no other
The woman I’m blessed
To have as my mother

And god I’d rather love,
This devil that I know
Than meet another man?
Oh no, I’d rather be alone.
Imagine if I met someone
Who measured up to you.
Hilarious, ridiculous,
A dream that can’t come true.
Stop my heart if he won’t have it,
Breathe for me, make it a habit.
Darling my souls yours to grab,
My devil, darling you.

I came to be in a hot, hot summer
I lived my childhood
In a warm September
My teenage years were a drizzly autumn
My early 20’s, foreboding November
The last two years were my first winter
Fraught, bitter and pitch dark.
Now I am in spring
The first spring of my life
Love and success blossom
And kiss my cheeks
Like unfolding flower petals
And I have all of this summer to look forward to

It’s been a year now since I held your life.
Over a year since I saw you leave me.
Over 12 months since I let you go,
I wish I hadn’t.
I wish I’d kept you close,
Given you some dignity and
A real place to rest.
My numb shock sent you out to sea.
I have a space within me where you were,
A space that I can’t fill for now.
But I will hold your name in my heart,
Till I can make you a family.
Living souls to cling to,
Heartbeats to meet you at the shore.
And say…
’Hello Teddy, we never forgot you’

I suppose I’d be a liar
If I said I wasn’t jealous
To see you in the sun
With some girl that isn’t me
But I suppose I’d be a hypocrite
If I acted like I’m better
Because I’ve moved on as well
Though you don’t look so you don’t see
There’s just something about you
That will always make me shiver
Something that always makes my heartbeat Start to beat a little faster
There’s just something about it
All the time we spent together
That will always make me smile
And sometimes make me want to cry
I suppose I’d be a liar
If I claimed I never loved you
And I think you know you would be too
If you said you never loved me

I spend my nights
In shining armour
To intently avoid
With ardour
Any hint or sniff
Of Love
I can’t allow it in
Because
If my nights are left
Wide open
My heart unguarded will
Be broken
So I spend my nights
In shining armour
Alone and safe
For ever after

Nobody loves me
She said
She’s so loved
By family and friends
She’s grateful
But she’s lonely
She’s lost
Nobody loves her
She knows
Not how she needs them to

I suppose the reason I’m so ******* myself
Is that I was an exceptional child
Who became a normal adult
And now I’m trying to teach myself
That normality is acceptable
And even enviable
That my achievements are good enough
Even though they’re not loud or spectacular
Even though I’m not the best
At anything
I suppose that becoming okay
Is about learning to become an exceptional adult
By not doing much at all

I miss you
   Said nothing
            To nobody
                 Then no one
         Said nothing
    And nothing
Was missed

Oh it can all be so perfect
To be one with myself
And so two with any of you
Only my voice is song
Only my hands are healers
Seeing for myself is my only sight
Oh it can all be so wonderful
Living for myself
And not at all for you

I’m getting older,
My face moves differently now.
The babies I held
Are children with lives.
Years have flown, and I’m not sure how.
I always assumed I’d not last long,
I’d be dead and gone by now.
So I didn’t make realistic plans,
I didn’t think of how.
Now I find myself closing in,
On 30 years of life.
I’ve no idea where I should be,
A traveller? A wife?
More numb than ever, flatter than flat.
I never thought I’d be someone like that.
I have a good life,
But the good won’t reach me.
I’m learning my lessons,
But nobody can teach me.
My pain has built walls,
Which keep out the bad.
So recently nothing is
All that I have.

If you and I became a tree,
I’d be the roots and you’d be the leaves.
Just know that though you’re higher than me,
You’ll fall if I don’t give what you need.

Today I am part of the world
Sea salt crystallises in my veins
Sunlight sparkles in my eyes when I smile
Tree bark grows on my knees
And elbows
An autumn breeze drifts from
My mouth when I speak
I am a seashell underfoot
I am a January sunset
I’m a star
I’m full

Life just feels like losing.
Like every love I have is
Dying, or choosing to go.
Life just feels confusing.
And I don’t want to think about
The next good thing I’ll have to leave alone.
It seems as though,
Every soul I pour my heart into
Just leaves.
Like loving is just waiting to be
Stolen by deaths thieves.
Till one day everyone in those
Pictures on the wall is dead,
And only I am left,
Bereft.

I want the love notes
The candle lit bath times
I want running in the rain
Laughing in the middle of arguments
I want the wild poetic love affair
The movie scene whirlwind
I want dinners gone cold
Because we were too busy talking
Missing the train, running out of petrol
Never caring because we’re together
I want to love so much it’s almost hate
Care so much I almost don’t
Then I want to slow down
To sit in the garden in matching chairs
Drinking lemonade and swapping smiles
I want to giggle over grey hairs
Cry together as all our friends die
Then hold hands as one of us does

Her: could you pretend to love me?
Maybe just for a few hours?
You don’t have to give up other girls or ever buy me flowers.
Could you just let me sleep and maybe hold me for a while?
You wouldn’t have to feel it,
You don’t even have to smile.
Just maybe let me feel like I am safe and play pretend.
Tell me I’m your favourite and it doesn’t have to end.
Would you mind just doing some of that?
Just sometimes, not all day.
Would you mind it if I pretend with you?
Would you hate it if I stay?
Him: …

If you don’t love me
But you care if I live or die
PRETEND, Pretend, pretend
Make me believe you’re mine

By now I thought I’d be
Much more
A partner, a mother
I thought I’d be sure
Of my picket fence life
My role as a wife
An impressive career
A stable idea of the
Road ahead
Or else I’d be dead
But somehow I’ve ended up
In this limbo
And I have become
A loose moralled *****
With no idea where it all
Went wrong  
And no plan in sight
of how to go on

Time waster,
Wine taster.
Covert lover,
Losing cover.
Rude creator,
Crude spectator.
Secret liar,
Limping sigher.
Companion seeker,
Slowly cheaper.
You and I are,
Rain and paper.