A sweet
Mellifluous,
Pained
Yet
Melodious tune,
Your voice in every pitch,
Either
High
Or
Low,
Confabulates with me
In ways
That even you may not see,
Or even,
Feel,
The loving
Gestures,
The soft
Consistency in your voice,
Your lullabies,
My oh my !
They envelope me in your love,
Cast a shadow on me,
And please me,
Fervently.

i was made to love
such was my programming.
but every system has flaws
and when my love catches fire
and blazes into the sky
pulling my heart out with it
i retreat
i get scared
how do i love again
when it has cost me so much
how do i deny my makings
when there is a glitch in the system
how do i fix myself
when the damage has been done by foreign hands
there are no instructions
at least not in a language i understand.
no one can help me
but
me.
but i dont trust myself anymore
and so i am stuck.
i try to be loving
i try to go back
but in trying i am hurting
because you dont deserve it
because i put myself at risk again anyway

im in between. in between loving and hating you cause how can i hate you. but then again this vessel is out of sympathy. im in between. in between screaming and keeping dead silent, trying to decide which might hit harder. cause im in between. in between trying to hate you and push you out of my life, and keeping you close cause i dont want to lose you and the only thing worse than pushing you away is seeing you stop trying to pull me back. im in between, in between wanting to be a good person cause when all is dead and gone i have my soul left to be proud of. but then again this old soul has gotten me nowhere and given me no good. im in between wanting to be stupid and blissful and naive about life like you. but i'd rather have my eyes too wide open then sleep in ignorance at night. im in between loving and completely hating myself for changing because im weak and sometimes i think i deserve to be and i need to stop beating myself up about it but why, why couldnt i just stay the same and confident in my actions because it was the right thing to do. why am i so **** in between why cant i be on one side of the spectrum for once. the right side.  maybe then someone will notice that i am stuck in between my own realities and idealistic fantasies that are turning to dust and falling through my fingers a little more everyday.

sometimes i search for you
in the corners of my mind
where im dying to get out
and keep running until i find
what we used to be
the things we used to share
im trying to find YOU
so please, are you still there?

You are not mine,
But sometimes i pretend
You wish you were.

I create this idea
That you secretly
Want me...

And i often forget
Its just something
Ive made up.

You do not want me,
And you are not mine.

Maybe I'm Just
A Little Afraid
That Whenever
Someone Gets
A Little Closer
To Me,
They Always Have
To Leave Me
And Find Someone
Better,
Always.