I cannot
I will not
I should not take his life in my responsibility
For it is not for me
to heal

I have to let him go
and accept his loss
My loss
of what could have been
But would never have

The words
pouring out of me from
every finger
As if they’ve only been waiting
for me to understand
And I don’t know why that makes me sad

to think
of my unconnected nerves

All these boys
pushing themselves in
screaming, crying for attention
for healing
for the love they think I own them
Disrupting me
from giving the love I need
to myself

Once they’re here
I know I’ve got them
and I hate it
or
I hate how it makes me feel
every **** time
Like I own them the world
Like I’m unnatural for not loving them the same way
for not pouring and wasting my so pure love
that I don’t even know anymore if I have
For not wanting to depend so entirely on another person
than myself
This.
They can not demand this from me
For it is not their right to demand
Who i decide to share my soul to
other than myself

I hear their accusation in their tongue
so desperate for me
Blaming me for not being what they want
what they need
Even though I never promised them that
Even though every inch of my body have openly
and strongly showed them the opposite
Even my lips has hesitated,
not wanting to give too much away
And still
here they are
breathing so quietly that I need to give them what they crave
without even considering that this was their doing

To many boys
have put their life in my hands
Forcing me to choose
between mine or theirs
And who can endure with so much blood on the hands?

all it took
was one sunny day,
together with whispers from the birds, saying that
it will come

and the asphalt under your shoes tells the same story,
the same as the trees, longing for cover
as well as the smiles of the long forgotten people
(and their happiness mesmerizes you)
and suddenly, even the snow with its final breath agrees
that ****, it is probably coming

And the conflict starts.

your heart that screams of drunkenness,
of wanting to burst, to be too **** high,
of being alive
crashes into your logic, your brain,
saying “but this is good too”
that this is the balance you need,
the safe, the expected.
the love.

but when you’ve been starved for the ups
the whole winter,
eating only cold, white life
it is hard to listen
and the colours of spring entices you,
making the black and white,
the sense,
draw its last breath
as you walk away into the spring
leaving all the beauty of winter
to thaw out,
leaving no trace
except for a constant reminder of the
cold parts in you that will never be warm

Let the soft stay with you
Do not change it for brutality,
Anger
Stress
Pain

Instead,
let it keep you
and them
Let it spread over the trees,
through the meadows
Let it tangle itself in the black curls of scarred people
Let it grow inside of everyone
Let it let you remain yourself,
the soft, wonderful being that you really are

For all of us who have bashed ourselves numb
trying to be there
(for our brothers)

For all of us who have locked our hearts inside
settling with a joke
(for our fathers)

For all of us who have loved them more than ourselves
more than we could handle
(for our men)

For all of us who keeps putting our friends before us
always coming last place
(for our loved ones)

For all of us whose hearts are out there, feeling with everyone
trying to save strangers with one look
(for our fellow humans)

For all of us who can have amnesty and forgiveness to all others
seeing their imperfections as beauty
(for everyone besides us)

For us
We will learn
We will sympathize
We will passionately love ourselves
more than we have loved anyone else

At last
we will free ourselves