And I will fall for you,
Not like rain
Or drifting flakes of snow,
But like the sun.
Everyday.
Endlessly.
Over and over again.

I am not one of those
To wax lyrical,
And proclaim loudly that
“I HAVE NEVER LOVED BEFORE!”
I have,
Of course.
I thought that I knew
The crushing ache
Of love,
Seeping through my bones.
Oh, but I was wrong.
He is not the first
To creep under my skin
And make my chest a home.

But he is the first
I have not resented for it.

He is the first
To make me feel awake.
To play music on my ribs
That vibrates long after he's gone,
Setting me quivering,
Gasping,
Overwhelmed and unsure.

But full of colour;
I was grey for so long.

Half asleep and mostly numb,
Adrift on a lonely sea,
He dashed my boat
Upon a rock,
And forced me out to swim.
To make my own way into life,
Instead of passively waiting
For it to begin.

He waited on the shore for me,
Dazzling in the sun,
A vibrant ray of feeling,
A shard of light that pierced my skin.
And I realised that love
Is just your heart breaking,
Sweetly,
Over and over again.
Stitched into a patchwork,
Of everything you are,
Woven through
With threads of them,

So it's not just yours anymore.

I wish we could exist,
just you and I,
curled together
in a sound-proof bubble.
Nothing but breathing
your air
and kissing
your lips
and touching
your silk-soft skin.
I wish we could float,
unseen and untouched
though this world
full of judgement
and hate.
You are my peace,
my smile,
you are the moment
I close my eyes
and my mind stills
and empties.
The moment
when nothing else matters,
but the feel
and the smell
and the taste
of you.

I wish we could be,
just be.

Look at me.
Tell me what you see.
Dark hair
Blue eyes
Pale skin,
Is that all?
Look again.
Look closer.
Please,
Look closer.

Do you see them,
The scars
The bruises
The cracks?
The shadows,
So many shadows.
When I look in the mirror
They're all I can see
But you say that I'm fine,
Am I fine?

Please.
Please see me
Please hear me
Please.

Can you hear them
On my tongue,
The pleas
The cries
The screams?
They sound so loud
In my head,
And taste so bitter
Always sitting there,
A sodden
Seething
choking pill
That I can't swallow,
But can't spit out.

Do you understand?
Please.
I just need someone
To see me.

All I can do is close my eyes,
And hold my breath,
And pray that this is not my life.
That I was switched at birth,
Or switched in time,
Or maybe I just haven’t woken up yet.
That’s it!
It must be!
This is all just a dream,
a nightmare,
This merry go round
Of work and bills and people, oh my!
And the tune that it’s playing
As I spin round and round,
The cracked cadence of a broken music box,
Do this, do that, why aren’t you married yet?
Hey don’t worry,
You just haven’t found the right guy.

It should be so easy,
To dance to their tune.
Everyone else does it…
So why can’t I?

They say demons should be
                                                               exorcised
They say in the dark lurks
                                                               evils
They say in your soul 
should be nothing but
                                                               light
That washed out is better 
than chiaroscuro.
They say all these 
                                                               things
But what do they know,
these people who live in the grey?
My muses are demons
My pen is a knife
My life is much
                                                               better
With black ink in my
                                                               veins
I suppose if their minds were to
                                                               open
We'd all be exactly the same;
A world full of demon filled people
With eyes open
                                                               wide
Drawing beauty from shade.

I’m slipping again.
I can hear them.
Whispered admonishments,
Echo in my head…
Louder and louder,
As I feel fuller and fuller,
All my spaces filled with shadows,
And the demons start to creep,
Clawing up my throat
And through the cuts in my skin.
I can’t control the chaos,
My hands are sliding on the reins,
I wish that I could ask for help,
But they won’t let me.

I don’t recognise the face I see,
Staring from the mirror,
It’s pale,
empty,
An ill-formed shell,
A weak and cracked container
For this maelstrom,
My hell.

They’re scratching at my skin again,
Make it stop, make it stop.
My bones are breaking through again,
Make it stop.