I am in a mental state where I feel as if I am constantly drowning.
My life doesn’t seem to be going straight but constantly rounding
In circles with problems that continue to keep happening
It’s like my guardian angle is just sitting there pointing and laughing
I can’t catch a break for it’s just constant destruction
Demolition day needs to be over and my goals no longer under construction
Every time I move forward I am thrown back five steps back
I don’t know where to go from here all I know is  I’m not ready for what’s next
Good, bad, or indifferent it doesn’t really matter
For whatever happens next I will watch it be shattered
My life is a nightmare that I can’t wake up from
this will continue to be my life for the years to come

Is it just me or maybe it’s that I am just a different breed
For there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do when it comes to my seed
I would walk the distance just to be able to put food on the table
I go by many different names but bad father isn’t one of those labels
I don’t understand how parents are ok with just getting by
Because I would do anything for my kids to touch the sky
Maybe I’m wrong and maybe they are doing all that they can
But perception is reality so you have to understand,
Where I am coming from for Im not trying to be the bad guy
I am just asking the questions that we all want to know; why?
Why is it that you have enough money for your drugs
While your children’s stomach is the only thing they’ll hug
These children are walking around with holes in their shoes
All while every Friday night your cabinets are stocked with *****
Isn’t it annoying to see all these dead beat
dads
But dead beat mothers isn’t a conversation to be had
Doing more than what we are doing for our children is my only wish
Because they are the victims here for they didn’t ask for any of this

Look at what we went through just to become strangers again
It’s no longer “honey how was your day” but rather how’ve you been
There is no longer an us there is just a you and a me
We had drifted so far a part from the happiness that used to be
it hurt me for a while and even now but only hurts less
For how miserably we failed when our love was put to the test
Maybe we stayed too long at our paths intersection
Where we once believed our life was headed in the same direction
I won’t lie to you by telling you I haven’t thought about you now and then
And all that we went through just to become strangers once again

Oh old friend you have been gone for too long
I can’t even tell you how many times I replayed that sad song
So much has changed but I am still a sucker for love
Only now I see love through the eyes of a raven no longer a dove
I no longer run from pain I embrace it with ease
I have grown to the feeling knowing that it will never leave
My eyes and my heart only sees darkness never again the light
It’s actually pretty comforting seeing each day as if it is night
This dark vision on life really isn’t as bad as it seems
Finding peace in my own death every night in my dreams
Can’t wait to see what this new vision on life can really do
And everything that happens next is all thanks to you
Here’s to the return of an old friend who’s been gone for far too long
And to no longer listening too but rather becoming somebody else’s sad song

How is it that you can be so close yet still so far
you were to be my moon but you’re just another star
I’ve done and said all that I can
It’s seems as if things haven’t gone as plan
Well at least for me but clearly different for you
For you’ve done the opposite of what you said you’ll do
You said that you’ll love me but that was a lie
Only continue to hurt me but still I try
To love something that is apparently broken
But these words to you will be the last that is spoken
Even though I don’t want to I have to let you go
For I have given you every chance just to let me know
Something, anything that I am where your hearts at
While you continue to use mine as a walk in door mat
So you’ve had your chance maybe the next love that I create
Will appreciate all that I have to offer and thank you for your biggest mistake

Be my peace, for I already have enough pain
If you can’t do that then baby stay in your lane
I’ve had all I can take I’ve had enough crying
Tired of the mental abuse I’m tired of all the lying
All I ask is for you to just be honest with me
For it’s evident that you don’t love what you see
Standing before you so fragile so broken
I know what you are thinking without a single word spoken
Like when you look at me all you can do is think of him
Our flame has finally went out not even just a dim
So I guess in the dark is where I’ll forever sit
For our love is out of matches and nothing left to spark it

2012 oh man what a year
That was the year when everything became clear
Six years ago you became a blessing to my life
I delivered you myself, so no need for a midwife
At 9:29 I knew that forever my life would change
And sure enough I was right for things haven’t been the same
As I watch you grow into such a extraordinary young man
I realize more each day that taller I must stand
For you look up to me and mimic everything that I do
I must ensure that you reach further in life than I ever grew
I promise you I will give you better than my best
I will never stop trying I will never stop to rest
Daddy will always love you until his last day
I will love you every second of every minute not just on your birthday

Happy birthday little Ty

I hate that every time I close my eyes all I can see is your face
You already left me so why can’t you leave my mental space
You’ve take all that I had to give what is there left for you to take
Thought you were my greatest love ever but that was a horrible mistake
Why haven’t you left my mind why are thoughts of you still here
Why do I hate you so much but at the same time want you near
Maybe one day I’ll find peace maybe one day I won’t care
But until that day comes, whenever I close my eyes your face will be my nightmare

I don’t have anyone to turn to about all this pain inside
So it looks like my paper and my ink is what I turn to  confide

It’s been a rough day but I knew that It was coming
But it didn’t hurt any less when you told me that I was nothing

I should have listen to your friends when they warned me about you
I thought that I was different that I could break through

But the joke is on me for thinking I could win your heart
Instead you took mine out of my chest and tore it all apart

I know that this pain is temporary, I know that it will end
I am just really tired of losing while watching others love win

I have this beast that lives inside my mind in the darkest place
I try everything I can to prevent a gruesome escape
If you ever saw that side of me you will never look at me the same
I won’t try to make excuses I’ll man up and take the blame
For all my wrong doings and all of my mistakes
But living in isolation is something I can no longer take
It’s scary by myself I am afraid of being alone
For these life ending thoughts isn’t something I will condone
So In hopes of potential happiness I will show you the real me
And pray you don’t run at the sight of what you’re about to see

I went to go text you three times today
For all I wanted was my best friend on such a bad day
You are the only person I can turn to when I want to cry
But your no longer here so I must turn to the sky
***** which is where I seem to been turning to the most
I wish this emotional muster was over so I can tell my feelings to post
I thought leaving would make them all go away
But it seems rather that they are back to stay
The worse part about it is I don’t even know why
All I know is that I wanted my best friend when all I could do was cry

I have my choice of amazing woman but yet I feel pain
Is it because they love me but yet I don’t feel same,
About her or her or you or you
Please I wish someone would just tell me what to do
Yet rather how to feel, about this pain in my chest that I don’t wish to reveal.
For I love only one so all my ex’s want an appeal.
Docket after docket on how I should be with them
Just want to shut them all out and fall into my REM
You see that's Rapid Eye Movement but my eyes only moved for you
On this ship of relation that I would have forever stayed true.
But for you it wasn’t the same, for the heart wants what it wants
If that wasn't me then why was it a future you would taunt
But I no longer feel guilt, pain, or obligation,
For I have come in terms with being an abomination.
I am such a fool for relishing in your eyes and caving to your temptation
You are my greatest regret when you should have been my greatest salvation

In fear of facing my mind I can never close my eyes at night
I pray for better days where mind is right
Instead of living everyday in a constant state of pain
Where I can break away from the bottle that is my novocain
I just wish that somebody will stop and listen
And understand all that Im wishing
For is a day of peace and silence
Just one night I can rest both my lids

I’ve never been so scared to see you before
For I already knew all that was in stored
For me, for you, and more importantly us
I should have known it wasn’t real love for it was only lust
You promised me that I had nothing to fear
But from your mouth spewed lies for you’ve now disappeared
You said it was all just a show that none of it was real
But it was for me so on my own I must heal
I tried to be everything that you’ll ever need
But I was too late for he already planted the seed
Of a flower called his love that he promised would be different and new
But just as before it will turn out not to be true
I will never forget the last time that we said goodbye
Because it was the last time anything has been able to make me cry

Please tell me when are you planning to leave
so I can know where to put my heart on my sleeve
Should I place it near my hands so that I can give it to you
Or should I place it up higher for you are just passing through

You ever want to know about the state of my mind?
Walk into my house and tell me what you find
You would probably find my emotions scattered on the floor
And a trail of tears leading you to a lock door
In that room is where the real me lives
I locked him away for what he did the world cannot forgive
I can hear him at night screaming and crying
Saying I am sorry to his heart for ever trying
I wish I could let him out, I wish he could be with me
But they say time heals all wounds so I guess we’ll see
So for the time being I am the best you’re going to get
For the appearance of my true self isn’t something I’ll let

Today is the day I ask all of you for forgiveness
And apologize to all those whom have to bare witness
To the gruesome scene that is the ****** of my heart
I tried to pick up the pieces but it continues to fall apart
I promise you all I did the best that I could
But no matter what I am made to be the villain constantly misunderstood
Now with my last my few breathes drawing so  near
I can say you got what you want as my life disappears
I am sorry to all of those that I am hurting
And to the select few that my pain will be transferring
I just wasn’t strong enough to deal with this **** day to day
I would love nothing more than to be able to stay
I am just so tired of losing it’s becoming to much
Tired of hearing “it’s not you” “maybe next time” it’s becoming too much.
To the one whom was the cherry on the cake
Just know that I loved you even if I was too late.
My eyes are becoming heavy and I am very weary
When I look down upon you all I don’t want to see a single eye teary

Just Ty—

I wish that I was brave enough to tell you how feel
And how much I am afraid of all that you could steal
I don’t have much to take for I was robbed in the past
But I’ll trust one more time so this flame will be my last
Before you have the chance to take I will simply give to you
In hopes that your intentions pure and that the words you speak are true.
I know I’m not much and I know you can do better
In a desperate hope to keep you I’ll write you daily love letters
I promise to give you all I can I promise to give you my best
I promise to only take away not add to your stress
I will never stop trying to get you to fall in love with me
I will never stop trying to get you to see all you can be
I won’t give up on you and I promise you that
Even if in the end you can’t give it back

Just Ty—

I guess it’s time for me to change up
And ask why does everyone drink from societies cup
Why can’t a man want good for his fellow brother
Why do you think it’s ok to disrespect your children’s mother
Why are women all in competition
Why is my town at an all time high for addiction
Addiction to pills but also to them likes
Why does a woman have wrong her body in order to feel right
Why do we have so many fathers sitting in jail
Why is there a slant when it comes to racial bail
Why don’t we do more and come together as a community
Why don’t we choose to be the bigger person when given the opportunity
Why must we keep the hatred going
It’s time to decide if you want to help change the world or keep the hatred growing

Just Ty-

As I stand up here embarrassed by my actions
I wonder if anyone would understand if they only knew a fraction
Of what I battle with on a daily inside my head
Even if you were half the person I am you’d end up dead.
But am I really too far off?
I try to play hard but inside I am soft.
I am as soft as the hands whom once held my heart
With those same hands you easily tore it all apart.
Im not only speaking of my heart but rather my mind, body, and spirit.
Where he once clouded everything I came in and cleared it.
I promised myself this would be the last time
I asked god if I am lovable then to please give me a sign
And there you were so vibrant and beautiful
But just as I thought it didn’t last as usual
I really hate the concept of love because it is something that hurts the most,
You got me good this time Love now raise your glass for this toast
Tonight I toast to you for breaking me down
But at the same time you’ve shown me that I am better than this town.
So heres to a fresh start to some place wonderful and new
But never will it compare to imprint of my heart that only fits you.

Just Ty-

This is the end and my time is near
I am not as put together as much as I may appear
They say don’t judge a book by its cover
Read one page of my book and you will see all that I suffer
Day in and day out I have to be everything everyone wants me to be
Being able to be my true self is something that I won’t ever see
For just like my days of happiness my life is shortly lived
This life will always take but not once have I seen it give
So is it giving up my life or is life taking once again
All I know is that I can’t take one more day in this life I've been condemned

Just Ty-

If I crashed this car right now who would miss me
Everyone says that they love me but then they diss me
I know i am not perfect I know I make mistakes
But I guess the voices in my head are the only ones whom can relate
Friends and family say “I’ll be there no matter what”
It’s only conditional they will always find a but
Because If they wanted to stay then they would see the good
Guess I really am ******* up and not just misunderstood
I do everything I can to lock my demons in
But some days I’m not strong enough so I give up and let them win
So to the next person who tries to comes into my life
Whether it’s family, a friend, or a impossible future wife
Don’t ever promise you’ll stay
because I know it’s just a lie
Because eventually you will leave and I’ll already know why.
Because Eventually I’ll mess it up for i always do wrong
that’s how I know you’ll never stay to dance to this song

Just Ty-

Would anyone like to join me and sit in this pain
No I didn't think so I don't even know why I came
I just wanted a place I could be loved and accepted.
Instead of the place where I was ignored and neglected.
Nobody ever cared until I became this way
Now it's "Ty you are heartless" is what they continue say
Nobody ever says **** to the person who created this monster
Just point the blame on the creature who's feelings were conquered.
See I got this beast inside me who tries to fight his way out
He also tends to be too much and cause me
to rage and lash out
I try to explain that its not my fault and that it wasn't intentional
But I get told accept fault and the way that I act isn't conventional.
But why when acting right wasn't something That I was privy to.
Runaway and leave now because I know that you want to
I told you about my pain and the demons inside and what it took just to be standing here alive.
You promised that you would stay and walk with my demon
If that wasn't a lie then why the **** are you leaving?
Nobody ever hates the creator Dr. Frankenstein
Only the monster he created but they won't cross that line
It's easier to believe this was how I was born
Than it is to believe this me after I was reborn.
You think I wanna be who I am?
Do you think my reflection is something I can stand?
Everyday I wanna shoot myself or cut my own throat
Or maybe jump off a building and believe that I can float.
Everyday is a struggle you don't know what I go through
But I'm not one of these dude that would shoot up a school.
For I don't want anybody to hurt I don't want them to feel how I feel
Because they may not be strong enough to know how to deal how I deal
I use pills, alcohol, and woman to keep my mind from spiraling out of control
Without these things I would probably be six feet under in a hole

Just Ty-

If only there was a day Just only one day where instead of the sky being grey it would be blue.
Just a day when I know what to do.
If instead of confusion and hate, there was order and love.
Everyone thinks that they're different but we are just the same,
but the only real difference is how we handle the pain.
We can keep it inside and build in the dark,
or show it some light and release in the park.
Our pain is all different but still it's just the same, for pain is just pain it doesn't care for your name.
It's collects its victims from both the weak and the strong. It whispers in your ears like the deadliest song.

Just Ty-

Last night I had a ******* with depression and anxiety
What can I say I have an addiction so Im constantly fighting with sobriety

Just Ty-

My mother always said shoot for the moon and if you don’t quiet  make it then at least you will land amongst the stars.
But with you I shot right past the moon to something further
With the mindset that I was going to travel to where no man has gone before.
But I didn’t  realize that our love didn’t have enough fuel to reach our destination
So where do I land from here because my mother never told me what was past the moon.
I thought that I could fuel this rocket ship with enough love for the two of us
But you abandoned ship with the only oxygen tank that we had left.
Now here I am lost and floating not knowing which way is up.
Gasping for just one more ounce of air that is your voice.

Just Ty-