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Julia Gorrie Dec 2018
Usually joy fills and warms my heart on Christmas.
Presents and laughter all around the room,
But as this year comes, I'm empty, alone and numb.

This year I sit in a room wanting to cry, because my family is broken and I don't know why.

I wish I was good enough for people and I wish they held me high,
Maybe their gift from me would be for me to end my own life.

Everyone would be better off without me.
Julia Gorrie Dec 2018
I'm sorry if my mind has frightened you.
It has frightened me too.

I am going through change
And to do so, I had to go through immense pain.

I had to hit my bottom.
That dark, cold place of the anxious and suicidal.

The one that no one dare speak of, but many are trapped.

I am growing now though,
Changing day by day.
I have a different perception and perspective on life itself.

I'm just a human.
I am confused and curious, but now I can move forward stronger than I've ever been, because I have seen that dark place.

And I will try my best not to let it trap me anymore.
  Dec 2018 Julia Gorrie
I'm sorry,
But I'm done.
Done breaking.
Done feeling.
Done crying.
Done cutting.
Done with life.
It never had to be like this.
When I'm gone
You'll say
I loved her.
When if you told me that before
I would have lived.
So it's not your fault
That I hated myself.
It's your fault that
I killed myself.
  Dec 2018 Julia Gorrie
What is pain to me.
Is it the ability to be trapped in my head unfree?
Is it the way I stutter and sound?
Is it the way my world turns around?

I feel I deserve my pain.
I deserve to feel such a strain
I deserve all of these scars
I deserve to feel behind bars
I deserve to feel trapped
Like my head is in an infinate wrap

I am this pain.
It will never go away or get better
It will be here forever.

I need this pain.
Julia Gorrie Dec 2018
I take a step forward
Then life pulls me two steps back.

I cry for help
Get no answer.

I'm ****
Full of problems

Maybe that's why he didn't want me anymore.
Maybe that's why my friends tire of me.
Maybe that's why I am unapproachable.

People lie to me,
They let those snakes slither off their tongues like false promises.

I am different

Too much
For anyone
And everything

And yet I'm not enough
For anyone
Or anything
Especially not my father
And never my step mother or that family.

Oh how the medicine in my cabinet seems tempting.
All my problems could be solved if I take too much
And let it's empty shell fall to the ground
Much like mine.
Sorry that it's so dark again. I've just been lost. I'll be okay.
Julia Gorrie Nov 2018
I want to live a little bit longer,
Love a little bit harder,
Feel a little bit stronger.

I want to bask in my emptiness,
Then fill it with you.

You make me feel like I can fly.

You allow me to be myself,
Let me feel comfortable when notes errupt from my core, flowing out in what ever Melody I desire.

You love when I'm in nature, because that's when I'm closest to you,
You let me vent out and be real with you,
You never gave up on me and never will, and I'll never give up on you.
You let me live.

I know if the world goes down how you have shown me, you will be with me and they will all know.
They will see who you really are, not what those ******* books say, not who those preachers preach, not who my father says you are...

And in return, I will let you be you,
I will give you a break, I will be your friend and I will listen and look for you, because in the end there isn't anyone who can fully understand us, that's something we have in common.

I feel your sorrow for the world, but in the quiet moments I feel your peace.
Thank you for standing by my side and giving me my imperfect, hectic, interesting and beautiful life.
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