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Ive spent time alone
Ive spent time with others
Ive found that I prefer the former
Though a little of the latter reminds me of it
i remember crying
i remember painting on my skin
i remember my arms bleeding
i remember a grabbing a rope and dying
i remember the pain that you  left  *me
You tell me it's okay
You're fine
But you are lying
It hurts when no one notices
I know
I always thought
I was good at seeing when others were hurting
It was one thing I could do
Be a good friend
But now I know
I am not even that
I am so sorry
I wish I could take your pain
And keep it for myself
Bear the burden you don't deserve
Shelter you both from the world
Stop you from hurting
I can't
So it turns out
I'm just a ****** person
You should probably hate me. If you don't I am the luckiest person alive.
I changed my mind.
I'm not doing it anymore.
I don't need to add anything else to everything that's drowning me.
Two weeks would be hell
And I don't think it will make me happy.
I just won't be happy period.
There's not much I can do about that.
I have tea so...
They come and I smile and suddenly I remember I'm breaking the rules so I chase them away and close the door deep think about all the bad things in my life play deppresing music.
What can I say I'm addicted to pain.
Why can't I be when everytime I try and be happy something bad suddenly happens.
How can I be happy when I get low from people I expected the highest from.
Sometimes I just sit stare at a blank space and think back and wishing I could change my past.
But I can't and because of that I'm slowly losing my mind and no one is noticing.

Depressed sitting just thinking of ways to get more sad.
Sitting thinking of ways I can cry.
Sitting thinking of ways to hurt myself cause I hate myself I hate the way I'm.
My heart has been broken soo many times its useless.
I mean really what do you do with a heart you can't feel who do you give it to how do you live with it ?
I guess its they right if they say we all addicted to something and I guess my addiction is pain...
#saddnes #pain #addiction #truth #depression #selfharming #lonely #heartbroken
How are you?
I'm alright I guess...

Where do we begin?
Maybe at the start of this mess.

Are you uncomfortable?
I can't say that I'm not.

Is it your past?
Well it's all I've got.

Do you still get nightmares?
Well I used to...

Will you let them show?
Depends on you...

What do you hope to accomplish?
I don't know... Peace of mind?

Would you have done things differently?
Everyone wants the chance to push "rewind".

Care to elaborate?
Let's just say I would've liked to be braver.

What do you mean?
I should've stood up to my father...

Did he abuse your trust?
He did more than just that...

Rob you of your freedom?
Let's see... His belt, cigarettes and also boiling water out of a vat.

Do you wish him ill?
I wished him dead.

"Wished"?
Yeah...in his bed.

Why "wished"?
Because I wanted that then...

For how long?
Since I was ten.

What about now?
(
Maniacal smile) I am now... At peace.

"At peace"?
I have found release.

You have?
Yes... I couldn't resist the urge.

Urge to do what?
To comply with the voice... "
Freedom...lies in the purge..."

You left your father?
Yes but not before...

Go on...*
Not before I slit his throat with a smile on my face as I shut the door...
Inspired a programme I watched on the crime channel.
Being drunk doesn't excuse it.  
"You didn't know what you were doing."
"I love him, he's my son."  
You don't remember what you did.
Do you know he still does?

The purple in his cheeks.
Lips split.
Eyes scared.

Look at what you have done.
Harmed your own son.  

It hurts when he laughs.
His cheeks sting as he cries.
Back jolts up as it touches the back of his chair.

Is it fair?
The boy scared of wearing a belt.

It reminds him of his father.
The way he cornered him, till he was a pleading and crying mess.  

The smell of alcohol lingering in the air.
It makes him sick.
He remembers.

He runs his hands up his left arm.
Cigarette burned holes scattered.

He couldn't take one more beating.
He didn't know how.

He tried his hardest.
As he closed his eyes.

He tried suicide.
He tried it all, the pills, the windows.

He couldn't do it.
Leave his mother and brothers behind.
Just because you were drunk, and can't remember. Doesn't mean they don't. They remember the betrayal. The broken trust. How does a parent do that to their child
I can't breathe and I don't know who to talk to and I just feel so hollow and lonely. Another one of these moods. It's happening again, and I feel like I'm worthless and living is pointless and I just **am so sick of feeling alone
another one of these moods. I don't know. I feel so, so alone. it is ridiculous, but I do.
She
She…

Is...


Constantly searching for answers. Constantly questioning surroundings…..places…things.

Always curious.

Always distracted.

Mind bobbling and rattling with ideas. Ideas that come and go. But ones that never really stick.

She desires attention.

She’s not sure what kind. Just any kind.

She reaches out to people for validation of herself without knowing. For comfort.

Beautiful.

Wandering, sparkling brown eyes. Full lips. Bright smile. Lights up her face.

Upbeat.

In small ways and big ways.

Talented.

That’s scattered in different things. Poetic in certain emotions that are expressed.

Anxious.

For everything. Anything.

Aching for change. But changing nothing.

Excitement.

She shows. She likes.

Naive.

Her eyes light up to new things. Growing more curious. Unaware of consequences.

Unknown.
To others. Herself.

Stuck.

In her mind. In her expectations. In her demons. In her betrayal. In her regret.

She.

Is……

Yearning.

For self assurance. Accomplishments.

Guidance.

I…
Want to…


Show her realization. Reality. Art.

Beauty.

In herself. In her talent. In her aspirations.

Patience.

In her skills. In her growth. With her mind. With her future.

Peace.

Within herself. With her past. With her doubts.

Show her that….


She…
Is….

A Diamond in the Rough.

That she has to fall down. To get back up.

To brush herself off. To want to keep going.

On one path at a time…with one foot at a time.

To stop running.

In her mind. With her thoughts. With her feelings. With her analysis of herself.


That it is ok…

to move slow. To take her time. To perfect her craft. With one desire at a time.

She…

Is…

A work of Art that requires time.


She….

is….

Beautiful.
Self doubt exists due to insecurity due to comparing yourself to how you think you should be. Find beauty in yourself despite your self doubt. Tell that voice in your head to ****.
I bet she's tall and pretty
I bet she doesn't even need makeup to be stunning
I bet she stays up late with you and sends you late night texts
I bet you two get drunk and high together
I bet she has no qualms about sending you **** pictures of herself
I bet she is in the "popular" crowd
I bet she doesn't complicate everything
I bet she has never cut herself or tried to **** herself or starved herself
and I have done all three
I bet she is everything you ever wanted
I bet she is someone you would miss like crazy if she left you
I bet you barely remember my name
I am the one who sits at home and reads with a cup of tea and a hoodie on
She is the one who goes out and parties, gets drunk and high and strips
I wish you would miss me
Just a little bit
I can't help it if I am not enough for you. Or for anyone. Or myself. I hope she is enough.
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