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Jan 6 · 609
The kid with warm ears
Jace Jan 6
He won’t cut his hair
Because his ears will get cold
And his eyes are dark brown
But they stare into my soul
He doesn't want to be close
Or give out hugs
But he’s always there
To check how I am
And I like this boy
And it’s ******* annoying
And I like this boy
With his drawing obsession
And his chat about a game
I have no clue about
Or an anime series
That I’ve never seen
And we joke about how
He’s so **** at maths
And he compliments my new hat
Because he knows I want one
But no one else has
And he's quick to defend me
Like I am for him
And we gel really well
But I wish we weren't friends
Being friends makes things awkward
So I'll ignore it instead
For a couple of years
Then remember and go
Oh **** yeah
**** I used to like that emo lookin kid
But he only looked like that
Because he refused to get his haircut
Because his ears would get cold
Nov 2021 · 93
Jace Nov 2021
I can ******* harsh words
I know they're coming
I don't swallow them though

I can hear my insults
I feel sorry
I don't apologise

I can feel you're pain
I suffer too
See that's why I break you

I'm broken already
My edges sharp
So I cut yours easy enough

No one ever considered
Why I chose you
No one knew what you put me through

Big bad bully picks on you
That's *******
And you know it too

You were better at hiding
Stealthy and silent
Hidden from every one else

But you broke me
My edges sharp
And you blame me

But really you should have taken more care
Sanding and filing those edges smooth
Because leaving them sharp was begging

Just begging

For them to be used
Jace Nov 2021
Today the realisation hit
That even if I come out my life will still be ****
Because I’m not a ‘normal’ member of society
And I have to live with the ******* anxiety
That a lot of people don’t believe I even exist
Let alone deserve rights-I should cease and desist

The worst feeling is the one where it feels like I’m pretending
Like if I tried harder I’d be a normal human being
That if I was skinny or happy with my weight
I’d be a normal, unbothered, cis and straight
Even though that’s unrelated and completely

The second worst feeling is the imminent death
From hating myself so ******* much
When I’m literally ready to grab a kitchen knife
And remove my ******* from my body in a single swipe
When the need to bind is so strong that I no longer care if I can even ****** breathe
But I just need to remove the **** things from my body…

So I do and I break all the rules of binding ever and I last five and a half hours before “wimping out” because…

when you remove the deadly tape in fear of actually ceasing to live from the inability to breathe and wonder whether it was worth it because this morning it was a brilliant idea it felt so good and the pressure didn’t matter because the elation was so great but now your skin burns and your breath returns and a different weight settles on your chest:
the return of self hatred and the wish of a painful death
Oct 2021 · 230
Jace Oct 2021
It's too loud
Too bright
Too fast

Too many people
Too much choice
Too much noise

Too many things to go wrong
Too many problems that can't be solved
Too many things to do

Not enough time
Not enough space
Not fast enough to compensate

Can't write it as quick as I think
Can't slow my thought down
Can't explain the inside of my brain

Can't explain
Can't explain
Can't explain
Sep 2021 · 67
Jace Sep 2021
You tore me limb from limb
Like a flower dismantled petal by petal
And my blood leaks out like sap from a tree
Sticky and wet and you wash you’re hands clean
Of the deed you committed when you stole my heart
When you took my trust and ripped it apart
It wasn’t my trust in others but my trust in myself
My self esteem drained and left for dead
Constantly watching my words if fear
Of saying something else that could be perceived as unclear
My trust in my kindness
My loyalty
My help
Everything abandoned in the space of a month
You took everything from me
Including myself
I don’t know who I am anymore
Just a shell who can’t loose anyone else
But don’t worry
I’m fine
But you wouldn’t have worried anyway
Because all you ever cared about was you
Not a spare thought for me
Unless it was useful to you
But don’t worry
I’m fine
Sep 2021 · 84
Jace Sep 2021
I don’t ******* know how to write anymore
Everything I write I hate Delete it word by word until it’s just a blank screen again Knowing everyone will hate it (anyone who reads it that is) before I even read it back I never used to edit, just type and click publish because it wasn’t important that what I wrote was perfect just that it was out there for someone to read. Now it’s different because everything has to be perfect. Perfection is a standard yall who know me know that I am constantly too desperate to achieve. And it never used to apply to writing-writing was ok, writing could be **** and everything was still ok but now it’s not and this is a mess I don’t ******* know this is on par with what I wrote still sat on the bathroom floor after doing whatever stupid thing I’d done this time but yeah. If you’re still following well done because I’m not sorry for ranting I do it a lot anyway yeah I can’t write anymore maybe I’ll see you again but probably not so peace out fuckups and depressed ***** like me don’t be offended just pass this and leave
Jul 2021 · 195
Morning Midnight
Jace Jul 2021
It's a bad sign
When I don't know whether
I'm high
Or just overly sleep deprived
Jul 2021 · 46
Done...or not
Jace Jul 2021
When I get mad at myself
For getting nothing done
And staying in bed
Even though I'm awake before the sun
But then the energy I have
Isn't enough to get stuff done
So I get ****** at myself
Because I've still got nothing done
So the more I best myself up
About getting nothing done
The more and more likely i am
To get nothing done
Jul 2021 · 282
Jace Jul 2021
Boys you missed this time
And the last penalty took you out
But next year is the world cup
There years time we can take a shot
At the Euros again
Good luck
Good night
Jul 2021 · 60
Jace Jul 2021
I think that I don’t know anything
Because that’s all I’ve ever been told
I think that I can’t know who I am
Because that’s all I’ve ever been told
I think that it’s wrong to be who I am
Because that’s all I’ve ever been told
I think that everything will be my fault
Because that’s all I’ve ever been told

But I’m starting to think that I know some things
Starting to think that I know who I am
Starting to think that I could be who I am
Starting to think that everything’s not my fault

Then i get reminded that that’s a false reality
Jul 2021 · 67
It must be me
Jace Jul 2021
The first one left without a word
Just silently abandoning me
Never telling me what I did wrong
Never letting me know how to fix it
I think it was me

The second one left with a petty insult
Just telling me I was wrong
And what I did
Never letting me know how to fix it
It was probably me

The third one left with a full blown row
Telling me exactly why I was in the wrong
And how to fix it
But when I did just that I was still left
Floundering alone
It must have been me

I think everything’s my fault
Its probably my fault
It must have been my fault
But I don’t know why.
Jul 2021 · 213
Jace Jul 2021
When you have a problem
With something that I say
I tend to apologise as soon
As I know that it was offensive.

When I have a problem
With something you say
I stay silent
Because I know you won’t accept
That it was offensive.

When you have a problem
With something I say
I make sure
To let you know that I know
That I was wrong

When I have a problem
With something you say
I decided to speak up
You told me I was gaslighting you

Making you doubt the events
That we both know happened
Because the problem with the thing I said
Was addressed, I told you I was sorry
I explained why I was wrong
I promised not to do it again

You said I was gaslighting you
But you’re the one making me
Hate myself for trying

So I don’t really understand.
Jul 2021 · 68
Jul 2021 · 152
Good enough
Jace Jul 2021
I'm am not good enough.
Maybe I'm enough for everyone else
But I am not good enough.
Jun 2021 · 211
Jace Jun 2021
~Is nothing
~Is a test of will
~Is a waist of time
~Isn’t chill
~Isn’t fun
~Isn’t fixed with a pill.
May 2021 · 80
elephant biscuits...
Jace May 2021
Why is there this sickening tunnel of darkeness? It causes me to spill my darkest secrets. It wants to blurt my pain out into the night but sympathy and pity cause unbearable strife.

I don't need help and I don't want your pity. I don't want to talk. I don't want empathy. I just want someone to take my bad jokes and laugh at me.

The expression of joy in my thoughts that are 'sins ' makes the pain somewhat bearable and I can get through the day. Not as tedious as the serious talks and explanations.

"ELEPHANT BISCUITS" can summon a chuckle and a question of "what?" Instead of "why are you crying? " because it's not good enough to try and only get ninety three.

ELEPHANT BISCUITS is less likely to worry my class mates than You ******* Half Arsed ******. You're So ****** At Life. You're So Stupid. You Should Go Die.

Which is what I was thinking at the time...
Sorry V - you know who you are- I'm sorry for ******* up and thanks for not hating me don't overthink this because for once it comes at face value😁
Jace May 2021
I think I'm lost
Never to be found
Slipping further
Inside my mind
Run out of space
Where people can't see
The red descends
Down my arms
Further and further
Until it's visible and clear
The sadness I feel
Now written in my skin
Except it's not sadness
It's deep depair
From within
The crimson rivers
That won't be forgiven
That won't leave for a long time
That can't be unwritten
And a friend
Who doesn't notice
Or care for your pain
Just blamed you
For their attempt
Blamed you for their shame
Made me hate myself
More than I already did
They forget everything
I've done that was good
Just picked up my mistakes
From a pile of actions
Forgetting the friendship
And devotion I've given
The fact that I'm there
At the tip of a hat
But they aren't there
When I'm being sick
Not when I'm cutting
Or breaking down
Or skipping meals
Not when I'm binging
Then purging what's left
But I can't live without
Because my lifeline
Can't leave
My desperate need
For someone like this
I cater what I say
Censor my jokes
Just so they don't take offence
To my insensitive pokes
And they can't leave now
I can't loose anyone else
That will be the third
In there months
What do I do to deserve this?
What do I do to deserve this?
Apr 2021 · 160
Tonight is a mess
Jace Apr 2021
Never sure if I'm alive anymore
Seems I'm lost in a void
Desperately clinging to the people I love
Calling them in the middle of the night
My girlfriend must be sick of the
Desperate reaching for her hand
As we start to walk into the crowd
Apr 2021 · 76
Jace Apr 2021
Constantly churning changing
Always abating arranging
Forever flipping floundering
Apr 2021 · 82
Jace Apr 2021
None for breakfast
None for lunch
Only at dinner
Because you dragged me
Apr 2021 · 88
Cloud, Earth, Underground
Jace Apr 2021
On the top of the highest cloud it feels like you couldn’t possibly get knocked down, higher than life, higher than pain, higher than anything that bothers you from day to day-unbreakable.

At the bottom of the deepest well it feels like you’ll never be pulled out again, lower than sadness, lower than anger, lower than anything that could possibly hurt you-empty.

On solid earth it feels like no one can see you, that you’ll never reach up, only fall down, so mediocre you’re falling all ready-that feeling of everybody hates me.

The worst is the fall from the highest cloud to the lowest trench in the earth, when your hope drops so low it’s nonexistent-you’re completely alone.

The second worst it’s the fall from cloud to earth because the disappointment is suffocating, the hatred physically hurts there’s no ladder back up-only a fall further down.

That cloud is the most dangerous place, a place of perfection and wishes and unrealistic hope so that anywhere else is soul crushing and painful.

Earth is the worst because of the pain, the ability to feel and the fault and the blame, the friends who leave and you can’t make them stay-that’s worse than the well because it’s a never ending game

At least the well is permanent, you know what to expect although you feel lost and alone and dead, it’s easier to make sure that you’re alive than is to cope with pain and anger and strife

Personally the well is my favourite, the only ambition is inevitable so there’s no disappointment, the only thing the well wants from you is death and all you want is to do just that.
Apr 2021 · 363
Jace Apr 2021
Over and under, get out of the way, wait for instruction, don’t question this game.

In and out, get over yourself, wait for the final blow, don’t dispute this result.

Far and near, hide away, follow the rules for someone else’s gain

Here or there, breaking out, rebel against the system, give us a shout

Yes or no, not a question, hate their prejudice, protest the oppression

Loud or quiet, take away the pain, yell obscenities, give us a name

Peace or violence, again not a question, it’s for the message, not the aggression

Responsibility or blame, it’s not our fault, we fight back,  it’s for us to reclaim

Forgive or revenge, neither just change, we wait for the moment, freedom-uncaged
Take this however you want. if it’s about black lives matter and racism then it is. If it’s about homophobia then it is. If it’s about climate change then it is. If it’s about antisemitism then it is. If it’s about islamophobia then it is. If it’s about ableism then it is. It’s about any oppression you face (unless you’re a ignorant person who thinks A. The gay agenda exists/it’s going to hurt you B. You think reverse sexism is a thing C. You think reverse racism is a thing D. You think mental health issues don’t exist E. You think climate change doesn’t exists.-if I’ve missed anything let me know :D). Get read to break out-I wish you luck

I’m interested to know what it’s about for you-let me know
Jace Apr 2021
Overthink, thoughts keep on turning
Like the waves we now float upon
Crashing and swelling then calming
False sense of security before it comes again.
Apr 2021 · 63
Jace Apr 2021
Mess with my head
Then take me down
But then are nice
And turn around

But insult me again
Call me fat
Call me ugly
And then that’s that

I do something nice
Suddenly we’re friends
No one see out of the ordinary
When looking in
Apr 2021 · 48
Jace Apr 2021
You know you want to
You know you shouldn’t
You know it’ll make you feel better though

So you do and it helps
So you do and one more can’t hurt
So you do then you stop

Then comes the disappointment
Then comes the self hatred
Then comes back the pain

Because you promised
Because you were fine
Because you don’t know if you can stop again
Jace Apr 2021
The engine malfunction is your fault.
The problems are in your head.
The questions are in your mind.
No-one else's, only yours.
Apr 2021 · 144
Your book
Jace Apr 2021
Don't use your book to degrade me.
Don't use your book to insult me.
Don't use your book to hate me.

Don't use your book to say wrong things are right
Don't use your book to lie
Don't use your book to back up your twisted lies

Don't use your book to define today
Because your book says *** is wrong
Because your book says you can't eat prawns
Hey you don't hate crime sushi chefs
Look I don't know if that's true but it provided me the sushi joke so deal with it.
Apr 2021 · 42
Jace Apr 2021
Honestly? You want honesty?

After everything you've said
After everything you've taken
After everything you've done!

The trust is gone
It won't return
You don't deserve
I shall not oblige.

Honestly? You want honesty?

******* you *****.
Apr 2021 · 184
Jace Apr 2021
Sick of this
Sick of faking
Sick of wondering about the point
Sick of not knowing if it’s true
Or if they’re stringing me along
Sick of thinking bout the future
Sick of counting every day
Sick of wanting to die
Sick of being alive
every flippin day
Sick of good moods only lasting a minute
Sick of the high then the immediate low
Sick of ‘Are you bipolar’
Sick of explaining I’m not
Because I’m not
Sick of not talking to anyone
Sick of being judged
Sick of ‘what’s wrong with you’
Sick of not knowing
Just sick of everything left in this world
Expect the couple of people who are
Sick of life
Apr 2021 · 63
Head spinning
Jace Apr 2021
Feel like I’m dreaming
She’s pretty as ****
Why does she like me?
I don’t know, she does tho
******* hell I’ve got a girlfriend
Apr 2021 · 80
An open book
Jace Apr 2021
You want an answer
I say I’m an open book.
You ask about my family
I tell you to *******
You said that I said
I’d answer your questions
But I didn’t
I said I was an open book.
If a book is open
You can still only see 2 pages.
Two random pages
In a story you cannot read
Without flicking and poking
And invading privacy.
I guess this doesn’t make much sense but neither does the inside of my head so deal with it!
Jace Apr 2021
Please prepare for emergency landing
In the middle of an ocean of questions
I nor the staff may answer your queries
FYI If we crash it’s your fault not mine.
Apr 2021 · 371
access denied
Jace Apr 2021
It’s fun to confuse people
Who are on the outside
They wish to understand
Hey S 😂
Apr 2021 · 512
Oldest child syndrome
Jace Apr 2021
An outsider in my second home
Ignored and forgotten
Oldest child syndrome
Nobody asks, nobody cares
Always blamed
Never heard
Mum Look what I did!
Oh great now look at her
My sisters always done something better
Couldn’t care less
Make your bed
Fold your clothes
Leave the house
Don’t go back home
See you next week
Bye mum
We’ll watch another film
Except we won’t because
There’s never time
Jace Apr 2021
I can't deal with everyone else's pain anymore
But I care too much and worry if they don't tell me
It's an endless cycle and everything always feels too much
I just want to help but I never know how anymore
When I was okay I could help everyone else be okay too
But now if someone cried I have to fight the urge to breakdown
Because its too hard seeing someone else hurting
Especially when I can't do anything
It's like watching yourself break over and over
And the cracks become casms that I can't fill
What were that happy memories from that trip?
I only remember him throwing the first punch
What were the best things from school?
I only remember hiding in the toilets when I had biology
What was the greatest event last year?
I only remember missing out on all the things keeping me sane
Apr 2021 · 65
My name is...?
Jace Apr 2021
I don't know my name.
Sounds clichéd,
But a name is an identifier.
Without a name
I don't know who I am.
Your name is the first thing
Somebody asks.
It's not the kind of question
In which you can say
'I don't know '.
Jace Apr 2021
Seems like we have reached our destination
A land of unknowing and questions
But no one else knows
And no one else has the answer.
Yeah well you know by now that I rarely make sense so don't question it. I formally apologise for the comment thread started by six. Please do not read if you are sensitive to homosexual content although if you are I 'm going to track you down and ****** you in your sleep. I'm so sorry I'm basically crazy please forgive me. And ignore me. Feel free to never read anything i write ever again.
Apr 2021 · 198
Jace Apr 2021
When I was younger
Life seemed like an amazing feat
It felt like there were endless possibilities
I had dreams and hopes
I made memories that were great.
Now I'm still pretty young
Life seems impossible
It seems like something i never asked for
It feels endless. It just won't end
My hopes and dreams
Are so far out of reach
That they aren't even feasible anymore.
How am I supposed to make a career
I'm any of the things I dreamed about
When I hardly care about living
My memories aren't nice anymore
They've erased themselves slowly
Until all I can picture were the times
I was upset or mad
And how now I can only think
About how life was always like this
Even when I mightn't have been before.
Apr 2021 · 67
Jace Apr 2021
Could everybody
Please stop
Stating the
**** obvious
Useless facts
I already
Know about
Myself. Would
Those people
Who do
State ****
Obvious facts
Kindly do
Me a
Favour and
Thanks bye!!
Apr 2021 · 153
It doesn't though.
Jace Apr 2021
Why is it that sad people
Make friends with sad people
Logically that should make us sadder

It doesn't though. It just means you never have to explain.
Jace Apr 2021
In and out
Round and round
Loop the loop
Come back down

Breathe in and out
The rope goes round and round
The knot goes loop the loop
He jumps but doesn't come back down.
Sorry if this is depressing and **** but if you've read any of my other poems recently then you know my friend Alfie killed himself a couple of weeks back. He hanged himself. He was 14. He took drugs but we didn't tell anyone, scared of breaking the fragile trust he had in us. I knew there was something wrong after I met him in the park that morning yet he never showec up to school. They'd had a call supposedly from his dad saying he would be absent. It wasn't from his dad, it was from Alfie. Alfie hung himself from an apartment block stairwell 2 hours later. He didn't send a text to say goodbye. He didn't have a note with him. I couldn't watch the CCTV footage but Lily, his girlfriend, did. I've slept at her house a lot since that day. Making sure she doesn't follow him. Her parents hardly notice her and she can walk around the house in short sleeves and not be questioned once about the fresh cuts or old scars. We avoid talking about it. We both think about it though. The call I get and 5:47 pm , while I'm walking home, with Lily sobbing down the phone telling about how it isn't fair and nothing is worth anything anymore. At this point I don't know what she's talking about so I asked but wish I hadn't. Alfie hanged himself. Alfie committed suicide. Alfie is dead. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm sorry I guess you probably didn't read that but if you did thanks for sticking with me. I needed to write the whole story somewhere.
Apr 2021 · 251
Stupid creation
Jace Apr 2021
Gender was a stupid creation

Who decided just because I have, well...
Certain bits
That it means I should wear a skirt?
Or a dress?
I mean what does it matter?
Why aren’t we just all the same?
I don’t want to choose
Because getting it wrong
Means doing again...
Apr 2021 · 914
I know I'm not
Jace Apr 2021
You're not attractive
I know I'm not
Have you seen the scars?
If you have you know You're stating the obvious

You're not smart
I know I'm not
Have you had my exam stress?
If you have you know You're stating the obvious

You're not a writer
I know I'm not
Have you read what I've written?
If you have you know You're stating the obvious

You're not musician
I know I'm not
Have you heard me play?
If you have you know You're stating the obvious

You're not worth it
I know I'm not
Have you met me?
If you have you know You're stating the obvious

You're not perfect
I know I'm not
But neither are you.
Apr 2021 · 80
You're not...
Jace Apr 2021
You're not depressed
You smile and laugh too much

when I feel numb and empty
Or like there's nothing left for me
I laugh at your terrible joke
And smile at your obscene happiness
Because I'm glad you're ok

You're not anxious
You don't look it, you talk too much

When I'm jittery
I hide my nervous ticks
Like scratching my hands under the table
I talk to stop the thoughts controlling
Because i don't want to worry you with them
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