I'm not sure my questions are rhetorical anymore
I wish you'd give me an answer

Look at my YouTube for you page.
You'll see short flims, spoken word poetry and information videos.
That might be normal...I haven't seen yours
But yours don't all have the word sad in them right?
Mine is because of the research I've been doing.
To make sure I'm not insane.

Look at my recent Google searches.
You'll find articles, quizzes and wiki pages
That might be normal...I haven't seen yours
But yours don't all have the word depressed in them right?
Mine is because of the research I've been doing
To make sure I'm not crazy

Look at my search history.
Can you see the am I gay quiz?
can you see the do you have depression video?
can you see the how do I know my gender article?
I don't think that's normal...can I see yours?
Do you do research aswell?
Are we both unstable?

Weeks then month and years so far
Eventually decades might also pass
With a golden light shining above my head
When perhaps red horns would be a better fit

How could you ever possibly know me
You question my haircut but then all you see
Is a good girl who's had a wee blip in the system
Because you won't see the volcano beneath

The lava some times flows through a crack
When I yell or I curse or I stab you in the back
But still it's only a bump in the road
Because you won't see I'm ready to explode

The heat some times escapes from a gyser
That's when I break down, crumble and cry
That's when you see how I feel everyday
But you just comfort me and tell me its gonna be okay

It can never be okay, it just wouldn't work
I've discovered secrets you hid from me. First
How is this growing up, who invented this,
Were they mad like **** this ****

Secondly why does it depend on my schooling
Who gives a **** if I can do trig or if I'm failing
What if I want to write songs or play in a band
Or travel around the world and live in a van

Thirdly why do you care so much, it's only my life
How much could it possibly be worth
What is one person, i.e me, going to change in this world
Of conflict and war, why can't people just learn

Lastly, if you want to help me do well
Stop caring about my beliefs just accept I'm going to hell
Maybe then I'll learn something in your place
And my volcano won't spontaneously combust in your face.

Every night i see the darkness or stars
Every night i hear the sound of the night birds
Every night i listen to my family sleep while
Every night i lie awake and alone
Every night i look at the stars instead of my lids
Every night i hear birds instead of dreaming
Every night i wish to escape
Every night i dread the next day
Every night that I don't sleep
Every night followed by a day of faking it
Every night trying to cover the dark circles
Every night trying to stay awake
Every night trying not to close my eyes
Every night dreading my subconscious mind
Every night watching my dad die
Every night though I never saw him alive
Every night watching my friends go down
Every night shot after shot
Every night i wish I could reopen my eyes

Hair that flicked across his face
To make us joke he only had one eye
He made us hold our heads up high
When people pushed us down

The red eyes more frequently bloodshot
But we ignored all of the signs
After all it wasn't unusual that Alfie was high
He was high quite often

He wouldn't cry or tell us about him
Only ask about our day see if we were ok
While hiding his own problems away
Leaving us to think he was fine

I hope you're happy now Alfie
Now you've broken Lily and I
I know it's harsh and uncalled for
But did you have to go and die
What the **** am I gonna do now?
Try and stop your girlfriend falling apart?
Good luck with that
She was broken before you dropped her
Broken before you were
Broken but you held her together
You held us all together alfie.
Did you have to go and die?

Gone
Passed on
In a better place

Gone
Passed away
Committed today

Dead.
They're all synonyms for dead
He dead
What now?

I'm I have no idea how this was seen by so many people it was legit an empty box because the website glitched lol

Love that girl
With blond hair and blue eyes
Who’s as beautiful within as on the outside
Would she ever love someone like me
We’ve been friends since we were three
Would that make it weird as time goes on
Love that girl
With eyes blue, hair blond

I told you I'll see you tomorrow
You crawl back to me every time
I told you you needed me
But you flushed me down the loo
I told you you couldn't live without me
And now you panic because I'm gone
I told you I enjoyed showing you red
And it helped you no end
I told you you shouldn't stop
But you didn't listen so everyone is dead
I told you it was necessary
But because of you everyone will leave
I told you you needed me
You still need me
You will always need me...

My friend wanted to see the cuts
But my scars are like diary
FAT
BOY
WORTHLESS
HATED
never ask to see my scars
They're ugly and nasty and painful
FAT
BOY
WORTHLESS
HATED
They flare up an split
And look worse than before
FAT
BOY
WORTHLESS
HATED
block capitals now carved
Forever into my skin
FAT
BOY
WORTHLESS
HATED
Don't disagree
You don't know me.

No shut up I don't need to do more 52 was enough now leave me alone no no no go away go away I don't want to listen to you 52 is enough no I don't need to do anymore it's ok I can't cope I can't do this just take my life away freaking out freaking out probably scaring my friend I'm sorry J if you hate me now. I tried my best I promise I promise I didn't mean to I'm sorry I'm sorry. No no no it's going through the bandage what do I do what do I do if my parents find out of anyone finds out in be in the **** but this hurts like he'll and I've got PE tomorrow. No please not more blood I don't need to do it again but it feels good the physical paincis easier to explain even to myself than what's in my brain I'm making no sense there's no structure of ryhme this is ******* I know but I just need to write my thoughts that are going ten miles an hours can someone help me i m going insane. Their deep and bleeding and hard to hide I don't want help I can do it by myself it just hurts and I hate hurting myself but it feels good and I like it and the stinging is freeing you won't understand this unless you been through it...

Sleep deprived
Hallucinating
Dreams come back
Imagination
Sleep deprived
Hallucinating
I don't know what's left that's real...

13th.
Good day
Everything goes well day
13th
Bad night
Everything goes wrong night
13th
Hard night
Try not to wash night
13th
Tough night
Try not to cut night

Think
Repeat

Think
Wash
Repeat

Think
Wash
Cut
Repeat

Think
Was­h
Cut
Wash
Repeat

Think
Wash
Cut
Wash
Think
Stop.

Repeat tomorrow see you then

Handcuffed in place
To the poles of my mind
The screeching and wailing
of the thoughts inside
The pounding ache as
The tensions building
It's like it's trying to
Crush my skull in
Bounce up and down
To release the energy
Scratch my hands
To release the anxiety
Waiting for someone to notice
My head in my hands
But when they ask
I just nod I'm fine

You're easy way out isn't easy for me
But my easy way out is to follow you
If I take the route first will I see you soon
Or would you stay here like I wish you to
If my life was snuffed out like a candle
Would you light yours even brighter
Or would your flame dim too
Would I see you soon?

A person who lives only for love
Is a fool to the highest degree
A person who lives only for success
Is destined to fail eventually
A person who lives only for life
Is the smartest of them all and
A person who lives without A care in the world
Is going to live life to its full
A person who lives only to dream of death
Isn't scared of what the future may hold but
A person who lives with no expectations
Will never feel the love, success, life, cares or dreams.
You tell me which is worse

I look back for once
And I'm proud of myself
For not breaking down
Where I stood

I wonder what free-falling feels like
When its not into dark thoughts
I wonder what sinking feels like
When it’s not beneath a hundred worries
I wonder what waking feels like
When you’re not dreading the day ahead
I wonder what someone’s day is like
When they don’t panic in a crowd
I wonder what someone’s night is like
When they get to sleep through
I wonder what it’s like to look in a mirror
When what you see feels wrong
I wonder what a life feels like
When you don’t wish it would end

I look in the mirror
And it feels wrong
The person in there Isn't me
The person in there
Has messy Brown hair
And dark ringed eyes
And he looks like he's been
punched a few thousand times
His hair is too long
And the oversized shirt
Hangs of the overweight body
More than it should
The weight never bothered him
And it never will
That's not what he's teased for
Or bullied for at all
The band teeshirts rarely surface anymore
Even though they were his favourite before
The cut off shorts stay folded in a draw
Because they show to many scars
That would rather be ignored
And the boots haven't been
out the wardrobe in months
The person looking back
Should be happy and carefree
Wearing an ACDC shirt
And torn up jeans
with Scuffed up docs
And a flannel flung
carelessly over a shoulder
The messy hair shaved short at the sides
And smiling eyes
That aren't sunken like that guys
He shouldn't look sleep deprived
Or upset
I wish I could backpeddle
a couple of months
To when I was happy and loud
And my friends thought I was high
All the time
Disclamer I've never been high
But I was pretty much hyper
Every day of my life
Now there's no energy left to spare
Except for breathing and sleeping
And writing whatever **** this is.

Nobodies perfect
They tell me
But she looks pretty untouchable
From where I'm standing

I'm not perfect
I tell myself
But I look pretty untouchable
To everyone else

If we are made of stardust
Why do we feel lost in space?

This is the first time it's ever been this bad
It's happened before but it was ignored
This is the first time I truly want to leave
Because I'm not the person I'd like to be
Nobody needs me , they'd all move on
They've already given up on me once or twice before
I'm a toxic friend but it's not in purpose
I'm sharp and nasty but I'm always sorry
I don't deserve anything as good as I get
I deserve worse so I give it to myself
Why do people think I'm great I'm really just a waste of space
I cost the money that we don't have
If i was gone you'd get your life back
I'll fail my exams and get minimum pay
What kind of life is that day by day
The afterlife seems a bit far fetched
But at least I'd finally get some rest
No more thoughts in and out my head
24/7 just let me be dead

The control that you feel
When you listen to the voice
Who says that my razor can fix everything
The control that you feel
When you wipe up the red
Because my razor helped my thoughts slow down
The control that you feel
When looking at the word
That my razor just carved into my skin
The control that you feel
When you feel the sting
That was me an my razor. I can control this

When you wish nothing ever existed
Because it means there's too much to care about
When every problem needs to be fixed
But you can't make a single difference
When people think you are a problem
But you don't want to be fixed
Because who else is going to care
When you no longer dare
To even look at another person
Let alone help them and think about someone else
Because surely fixing you
means making you like them
A selfish, narcissistic ***** who couldn't give a crap

Where are you
Inside my head
Why are you there
Because I can’t escape
When will you get out
I don’t know-maybe never
How did you get there
I let myself think

OCD is not an adjective
It’s not synonym for perfection
It can ruin a life or end one
It’s on par, just as bad as depression
The two often come hand in hand
With anxiety on the side
If you do that 13 times tomorrow your friend won’t die
If you only write on every 4th line
You won’t get sick and die
The demon that lives in my head is trying to save my life
But is instead destroying me from inside.

Every time I open my phone
Waiting for a message from you
Still wishing my feelings weren’t so real
Hoping for a message from you
You have a girlfriend so I can’t compete but
Begging for a message from you
I don’t know what I want what I need
Pining for a message from you

Waiting
Hoping
Begging
Pining
Still no message from you

What do you do if things feel like to much
When you might let someone down
And you can’t do enough
What do you do if something goes astray
When you can’t let go
But you don’t want to stay.

People don’t care about someone living They just don’t wanna someone to die
Normally because of the the guilt about how
They didn’t care while he was alive.

People don’t care about someone living
They just don’t want someone to die
Normally so their conscience is clear
Because they think they stopped his suicide.

We don’t stay alive because you said
‘it will get better‘
Because you don’t know if that’s true.
We stay alive for someone else
But that someone else isn’t you.

We stay alive for a friend with problems
So we don’t cause them anymore
We don’t tell them how we feel ourselves
Because they’ve got **** of their own