Last night was a terrible night for me.

I was told I'm an amazing person
My girlfriend told me that
Or should I say my ex.
Because she told me I'm amazing
As she also told me she has found someone else.

Am I really that amazing
That you've found someone else
Who can fill my place so easily?

Last night was a terrible night.
Today feels like a terrible day.
I'm looking forward to a terrible month

Last night was a terrible night.
I cried myself to sleep
And woke up with tears in my eyes.
This terrible morning isn't getting any better
As the tears continue to flow.
I think tonight will be
Another terrible night
I'll cry myself to sleep
Because otherwise I'll drive myself insane
And then I'll wake up
Again
With tears on my face
And scattered on my pillow
As I reach to pull you close to save me from the nightmare.

Only to realize
That you're not there any more.

I remember it like it was yesterday -
The sickly anti-septic smell,
The bright fluorescent-lit room.
The perpetual
beep-beep-beep

Your eyes are closed;
Your face at ease.
But I know,
Under the immaculate facade
Of gentle freckles -
You are in so much pain.

I gently squeeze your hand.

Your eyes open:
A bewitching light-brown.
You smile one of your illuminating smiles -
The kind that would make stars envious.
Your dimples
A perfect compliment to your picturesque features.

Goodbye, my love
                 You whisper.

Your eyes close;
Your face at ease.

I will never forget that icy sound:
The sound of finality.
The undying

**Beeeeep

It's nothing*
        You say
As he passionately holds you close.

You are whispering to me that you love me like:
- sinking into sleep
- mornings
- hot chocolate on a minus ten degrees
- the first touch
- the immersion of bare feet in warm summer sand
-  the dance of fireflies in June
-  a breather between two *******
-  a sincere smile between two denuded people

I write you a note on a slip of paper, as if I was a kid.
That I love you
Like a quilt on a minus fifteen degrees.
Like a inspiration.
Like a inception of the will.
Like a"Jaffa" biscuits and restful sleep.
Like a flowering cherry tree and glowing nut from a wild chestnut tree.
Like a sudden wonder.
You're asking me whether you are my sudden wonder.
Little, ragged wonder.
Yes, you are, I answer.
You love being my little ragged wonder.

You are asking:
For my nape and chin.
Top of my head  and lips.
Embrace of a careful lumberjack.
You want chin-caress.
For five minutes.
Intensively!

i feel like a bird with 2 broken wings
a knife twisted in my heart
cutting through my soul's strings
broken and shattered with no armour i stand
my pieces can't be put together
I'm no puzzle or spelling bee letters
shattered glass sits on the floor with my reflection torn apart with it
like every piece of me lies beneath my feet
within my reach
but I'm too weak
i can't pick up any piece
my heart still broken with only stitches to fix
i lay down my heart to the broken things list
where i had laid my soul once and my thoughts once
now my heart belongs there
where it hopefully will be repaired
im so scared of the life i will have to face
im an exploding star turning into a black hole
taking the life out of every light like a machine
like I'm made of steel
and i feel like every time i try to touch the light i consume it ,
break it and break every inch of me too
thats what a super massive black hole would do
I'm just like a monster
i still feel used
my eyes are tired of crying
they burn like the fire inside me
my tears had run out like the ocean that once ran through me
i lay down wishing for help
crying out , looking for a friend

A frame dating back
The nostalgic feeling of a former home
How we all stood and watched
How we all wondered how it happened

Why does it hurt again?

The three offsprings looking down
In the cushioned box whence she laid
Tears, free flowing
Mouths agape, a child cries
Its the end of the road Ma,
Pray under the bossom of the Lord
You Rest.

I crawled away from you
The way a dog deserts its pack to die
And you all
Watched me make my slow progress across the floor
Inch
By
Inch
And you did nothing.
You saw, and I saw you see
And you saw me see you pretend to know nothing.
And now I am alive again
Awake and able.
The shadows of my suffering still follow at my heels, trying to trip me as I walk, and scurry behind doorjambs and under tablecloths when I turn to catch them but,
I no longer crawl.
I no longer struggle.
And as I have woken and made my weary way back to humanity
I have found that my complete transformation
My journey into hell and through the fires-
The torment that forged me into something utterly new,
I find that you look past it
Let your eyes slide over me like you used to
Unwilling to ask,
Unwilling to know and yet your false knowing sets off bombs
The ones I walk so lightly over
Grenades buried beneath the tender green new grass
Which covers the battlefield where I fought for my life, for my status as a human being, for my place in this world,
And you say "We all fight."
"Everyone struggles."
Of course
To hurt is to be human. Everybody does-
But not everyone
Sits back and watches another crumble to dust,
Not everyone says
Well
It isn't my problem if they can't cope,
Not everyone looks with eyes
So cold
Upon a bleeding, broken thing
And concludes that because it bleeds when beaten it invites its wounds.
And as you look past me
As you name me by a word I no longer recognize
All I can think is that
I fought
I won
At a cost
And I am still not fully healed,
And yet I am the same to you
Either way
You who are supposed to see
You who are supposed to be
Observers
Of the human condition-
Observers, not bystanders!
Nowhere is it written that you must take notes--
'Oh yes, see how her lip trembles as she cries
See how she fights for breath.'
Nowhere is it set down in stone that you can't
Get up and at least pretend to be like they are
These people you look at
And study
And pin to your pages like butterflies catalogued.
Can you feel? Did you
Feel?
Did you look into my eyes and see me
Decimated
And blame me? And never ask me the truth? And create your own?
Did you really think I could forget being
In the center of a circle
Of lies I had to agree with to survive
Shredding my pride for the sake of my place?
My place, indeed,
In a place where emotions are bought and sold
But never owned or treasured.
You watched me fight
Life or death
You, whose arms I've fallen into when I could have hit the floor,
You who I am supposed to trust with my soul and its dark wounded parts
You who I am supposed to grow with.
You watched me and
You let me
Fight
Alone.