At nine and a half, I was jeered,
But hopeful of the mental matters
At hand. He had left my life
And I wouldn't accept it.
How could a girl's supposed-
Favourite person, just up
And leave?

At twelve-
A little girl at my boss' back
Kept poking whenever I -
Wanted to give up. Hope. Ask
Me where she comes from? I -
Haven't a clue.
At thirteen-
My beater wanted to reject the
Pain. It gnawed its way;
Through her chest, around lungs,
Leaving a little breathlessness.

How painful it is to be-
Suffocating, dying alive.
Alas it sworded her beater;
At fourteen it-
Struck the love out of her.
Realization sat on her brain,
As she surrendered to acceptance.

Dearest mother,

I was never the child you wanted.
I know not what you think.
Forgive me, for I blame myself,
More than you know. Those
Anger filled memories you imposed.
Your statements in wrath. I used
To wonder. Was I good enough?
Is it because you have to stay around,
To take care of me? Or was it the fact that
Your guy messed up every other
Five minutes.

Was it because I was an easy target?
A prey who never fights back. I
Was never the one to want to
Make you despise me. I
Just wanted you to think
Of me as good enough. I -
Write now, to ask this of
You. A few
Questions before I go for good.

What did I ever do to you,
To make you hate me so much?
Was it because of what dad said
Over a thousand times? I know
Those that he said pierce like
Daggers, but why unleash it on me?
Is it because I look like him?
Or my habits remind you so much
Of the good times you shared together?

I won't be able to write to you after this...
My pieces will lay in peace-
Now that I have asked all of
This that stifled me so much.
When you get this letter,
Don't worry your head too much.
How you'll find me? You'll know soon enough.
You can talk to me by my stone.
When reality sinks in sync with concrete.

Love alway from,
Your dearest, most heartbroken child.

How?  
How can you numb-
A pain so painful?
How can you numb,
What's already torn open?
The center of your soul.
The proof of life.
Yet it's broken.
Already bleeding.
It's not even red.
Blue? I suppose.
No, black! I see.
What creature-
May possess this?
A ******* beast?
Perhaps, a little demon?
A ****** one at that.
A cursed one,  a cast away.
An unfamiliar alien.
Probably misunderstood,
Different?
Now the cast away-
Lay under the moon.
Weeping for death,
Death is all that accepts him.
Her? It?

Anything I say.
I'll do anything to release all this
Pain. Sappy movies.
Depressing songs at most.
Reflecting on all the wrongs you
Have bestowed upon me.
Anything I say.
I'd do just anything.
I want to not feel so buried by these
Emotions.

Free of them
I want to be.

Does it not irk you -
To have your cotton skin, greased
And muddy. Contradict me not!
For I know you were raised better than this.
Your pater should have done a better job,
Your mother left him empty headed?
Not!
I'm sure he was present, when she wiped your
Arses, powdered those cheeks. Made-
You wear a bowtie and you
A skirt. Your hair has turned
To shambles.

Please not those around you.
Live by your mother's
Wish, will.
Show some respect.
Or have you none?
Were you not raised with such?
Does it not irk you,
That you degrade
Her with such poor representation?

Go repent,
You have disgraced;
Degraded, made your mother
Mourn. Her wishes
Were shunned.
Your pater just the same.
He should know better,
Teach you better,
Mould you into her insoles.

Sometimes it's a rush.
It's energetic to feel,
All at once.

Yet, I want to restrain
From such vulnerability.
Detachment I seek.

I find no shelter.
When I feel, I loathe
Such weaknesses.

Yet, when I feel not-
Even the slightest *****,
I curse at such barriers.

"Forbid me not, to feel."

I am my own enemy
In this psychological state.

I let darkness engulf me.
Whole.

Sometimes it's a rush.
It's energetic to feel,
All at once.

I feel it in my veins,
My blood. Yet, somehow,
I fail to fathom,
How I have come to love,
But come to despise-
Feeling.

Crazy you may call me or
Maybe challenged-
But I understand at some point.
I fail to comprehend at the same time.

Maybe that's a sign,
That I need help,
Relief from my foe.
Me. Myself.
In this
Psychological state

I leap across the open field.
I hear them, distant then close.
They stifle my freedom.
Follow me endlessly
To the point of no return.
Do they ever tire?
They chase me all over.

Freedom is all I want.
I search for means of expression.
Release. For these experiences,
These memories, they strangle me.
The only reason I still breathe;
A narrow escape when
Time catches me and drains my life force.

I breathe.
I suffocate.
The immensity of pain weakens.
Then there is nothingness.
I feel them fight while-
I, myself fight against those who chase me.
For freedom for self.

When I was young,
Forty-five inches, about forty-five pounds.
All I wanted was a bond, one with-
You at least.
Jeering was all I received. The bond
A bond I wanted with you. Caught were you
Between love with her. Want she saw.
Want she withdrew. She held back what I wanted
Most.
Bonds with you.

You'd think I grew out of it;
Pent up emotions.
You know? Some nights,
Some days-
They suffocate me. How painful to-
Live on such breathlessness.
Refreshing you say? I think not!
To watch all the love,
Attention and delicate care you should have been the
One to get. To watch it wave like a tattered flag.
Right before your face. Refreshing I deem,
Not! But a crime to both-
Live and die.

To hell with bonds I say.
To hell with a bond,
Consisting of both-
You and I.

What good is it to judge me?
What do you see?
Perhaps a bitter young lady
In the presence of thee, I
May be a blind - but I
Once could see; pictures of
Sunsets, handsome faces
And much more.

No I am not blind!
Though I appear so
I still see faint pictures -
Of gatherings for
Christmas, Easter even -
New Years dinners.

You taunt me, your endless
Repetition, 'Bitter blind bat' - lo
Your torment does me no harm
Anymore but rather jostles -
Me to hold tight to what
My people's faces look like.

Deny me not of that-                                                            ­                                                                 ­                   Which we all are entitled.                                                        ­                                                                 ­                         Growth requires so much.                                                            ­                                                                 ­                     Depending on the creature;                                                        ­                                                                 ­                     Plants: sunlight, carbon dioxide, minerals, water.                                                           ­                                       A growing person: love (a little at least), pain (what does it hurt to have some?),                                    Privacy.              ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                      Yet, that-                                                            ­                                                                 ­                                                       You deny me repetitively.

No room for self growth.                                                          ­                                                                 ­                         To listen to my own thoughts.                                                        ­                                                                 ­                 Not even a chance to recollect-                                                       ­                                                                 ­                Or counsel myself.                                                          ­                                                                 ­                                       A growing child am I                                                                ­                                                                 ­                             With the least opportunity to be by myself.                                                          ­                                                          

A dictator are you.                                                             ­                                                                 ­                  Breathe, eat, talk up those people.                                                          ­                                                                 ­     Decisions, commands you enforce.                                                         ­                                                                 ­    No choice have I but to follow.                                                          ­                                                                 ­                 Free, I wish to be but                                                              ­                                                                 ­                             Chained I remain. A slave-                                                           ­                                                                 ­                      Your captive, a hopeless soul-                                                            ­                                                                 ­             Waiting to be freed.                                                           ­                                                                 ­                                  Restlessness and anxiety eat,                                                             ­                                                                 ­            Peck, gnaw away at what sanity I have left.                                                            ­                                                                 ­     

What humanity I had left-                                                            ­                                                                 ­                     Has begun to fade. My soul-                                                            ­                                                                 ­       Drifts away to the furthest-                                                        ­                                                                 ­                       Dark abyss. My body, this corpse,                                                          ­                                                                 ­       Will stay as a reminder of what you have done                                                             ­                                          And the error of your ways.

When I have closed the
Door, turned my back.
Please..
Let me go.
I have forgiven. Now
I want only to be free.
Imploration to let me be.

Once when I was
Consumed by such vile
Emotions, I was so heavy.
Forgiveness has shown me
Freedom.

That freedom I wish to
Keep. Please
Let me go. I
Want to be free.
I love you always.
But stay with all those
Raw emotions I had,
Stay-
Behind me.

Is it so wrong.
Good sir, to
Miss them?
I try to move on but
There are days when
I want them back.
So bad.

So many things
Pass through my head.
I wish sometimes
That these things would
Get easier.
But sir, if I may,
"What should I do?"

All I have is an
Overflowing cauldron.
My rage knows no bounds.
I refuse to put a
Cork on it.

Too many times have I
Let you walk over me.
My love has become my
Weakness.

Once I drowned in the pools
Of my own sadness.
Now I bask in the adrenaline of
My rage. I succumb-
To these thoughts of evil.

Regret knows me not.
Forgiveness died in the
War with my rage.

Surely but gladly,
Your head I will lay down-
On the softest of cotton.
I will read scriptures for the Goodness there once was
Of you.

Then Psalms will I say,
In all my fury for you.

Your door I will close peacefully, As the second to last
Of your chapter.
I'll talk to your shiny black door,
Then.....
I'll lay you down in that which  You came from.
A thick brownish-red blanket
Will give you warmth but
Give you a taste of coldness.

I'll smile as if I know
Not who the culprit is.
Your chapter has ended.
From above comes
Crying.

Why weep for someone evil?

I walk away with nothing but an Abyss in my chest.

Eyes close. Now-
Everything is perfect.
Clean air, perfect
Rays of sunlight.
Dandelions, sunflowers to roses,
All gather in a field
Near a beautiful spring.
Caramel, Chocolate and vanilla,
Pass each other by on the streets,
Shaking hands and hugging,
Even kissing cheeks.
They laugh together,
All flavours combined;
Chugging beers, eating chicken,
From the same plate.

My mind wonders,
Is it all real?
How are these flavours mixed?
When did these flavours mix?
Where was I? And-
More specifically,
What time is this?
How are they so oblivious,
To this kind of bliss?

Eyes open.
I lay in a grassy field,
But its not green.
It's made of red and yellow-orange.
I look around-
But guess just what I see?

Ashes kiss the air,
In perfect layers.
Buildings burn,
Vanilla whipping chocolate;
Laughing vigorously.
I feel sticky, wipe my face.
It's not sweat, its my blood,
From a concussion.
The one that sent me-
To that ****** piece of-
Bliss.

Underneath the cool calm sprinkler
I lay out my fears and flaws.
My acheivements and failures.

There where no one can disturb
Such private, such intimate
Tranquility.

There where my face can
Let loose, my heart can
Slow down for just
An hour or two...

Underneath the cool calm sprinkler
I lay out my abandonment
My soul rides along the rhythm
Of symphonies, music.

I lose myself in what
Each note feels. How
High each pitch soars.

My-
Hiding-
Place.

He drinks me in
With his ocean orbs.
A lovely protruding gaze.
I'd give anything, to have him
For all I could care, he could
Have my flesh, my soul,
My breath. He could-
Steal my heart and make it
His. Permission I would give.
Just to have him look
At me.
An endless wish.
To have him consume me.

A never ending maze.
A soul so pure and true.
Speckles pamper his
Cheeks in adoration.
I'd kiss those cheeks.
Peck those lips. Even
Bite them too.
Such ripe succulent fruits.

Such bounds of treachery I-
Have never felt. No one
Should have to feel.
The element of trust
Set a blaze.
And then-
When one begins to reign their
Wrath, you make him look like
The Greater Of Evils.

You make him this way
With the everlasting betrayal,
You carry out so-
Flawlessly.

And he who has stopped his
Heart from beating,
Once, twice for someone else
Just for you. You
Make him out to be the-
Beast he is today.

Then you set sail to impale him.
Take his life when he only rains
Wrath to try to not feel the hurt,
The treachery against him.

That same beast once was family.
The beast you hunt,
Set aside his heart, his soul
And spirit for you.

Your safety, your guidance, your
Happiness.

And you have yet!  To
Show him the same love.
Slay him unknowingly once, thrice. Yet he forgives thee.
Call it a day and hug him
Forwards then impale
Such noble beast backwards.

Disgrace him no more,
Let him lay!
Decorate, go around,
Not his grave! Shed no
Tear for this is your doing.
Lie not to thyself. Act
Not a saint to the crime
You have committed.

Pray you die-
A death the pain-
Of ten thousand folds
Of what thy brother felt,
When you betrayed him,
Plotted against him,
Slayed him yourself.

Die with regret suffocating
You but shed not one
Tear.

For you have earned this.
You deserve this.

Just a small imprint,
Then a little dent-
Now a tiny hole.
Unattended to, the little tree
In the midst of all the happy pole like figures.
A stain now lay in it's chest.
A very noticeable stain.
Many watched the little one,
Tuck tail, bowing it's head.

Obscenity was all the little one knew,
One so raw and impure-
For no good came to it yet.
The only good done,
Came from tucking tail-
And remaining quiet whilst blasphemous words,
Began to wave inelegantly graceful.
A plant so rare should be kissed and hugged,
Instead of cursed at and shunned.

Now beams of light-
Grazed it's leaves,
And posture was suddenly made.
For the rays gave a new-found hope-
That it will not forever rain.

I have memories,
Faint ones-
Nevertheless memories.
Hopelessly strapped upon the back
Of a tired machine.

They beg, they beg, they beg
Don't let us go,
For we are all you have left.
Can we not be your redemption,
My love?
We still kiss your temples in hopes.
Hopes that you hold tight.

For if we slip,
It just might be the last-
You see of us.
Does it still not give you hope, my love?
Endless garden play,
Protectors watch you so annoyingly sweet.
Does it not tug your strings,
That you want to throw the towel-
In?
Does guilt not sit on you?

Tell me, my love, how does the ol'
Beater feel?
Does it stop and go on again? Or-
Perhaps does it die a little each day?
Tell me, are we prying too much-
That we may drive you to the cliff-
Of insanity!
How does it feel, my love?
Is it like a garbage bag trapping your head-
From your shoulders?

Now I feel guilty, for the
Amount of pressure I put on you today. Now,
Do we continue another session down memory lane?
Tomorrow, I suppose,
My love?

Countless times have I
Pictured myself and you.
That we may,
That we might
Have our confessions.

My "friend", "blood"
I watched you take
Your last breath, red-
Running, pouring shamelessly-
Lively out your mouth.

I feel tears run down
My cheeks. Why?
We were never close. A barrier
Always forbade connection.
I always pictured us sorting
Through our issues. Why and How we were what we were.
How our ship in this relation sank.
Why our jigsaw never fit.

Yet I cry and feel emotions.
Maybe I loved you despite my
Hatred. Despite being disowned
And abandoned.

I have had visions of us
Confessing, professing love.
That I would forgive you all
The way, not just half.
But I have forgiven thee yet
I feel like my hatred stays.

I mourn you and what
This relation on our ship-
Could have been. That we were
Denied and unable to connect
Our plugs.

I mourn you. I mourn me.
I mourn you and me. Together.
Die in peace my "friend", "blood"
Know I never only despised-
But I loved, love you. .

Go in peace for we shall meet
Again.
Dear "friend",
Dear "blood".

Once upon a dream,
All I was, could be was-
Calm and one with serenity.
I had no such extent of
Hatred. Neither was
I so vengeful.

Once upon a dream,
I would be a melody maker, Known on screen, nurse.

Once upon reality,
I saw a light that pulled my arm.
Vengeance was my name.
Anger was my heart and-
Evil, my head.

But.

Forgiveness sought my being,
In all shape and form.
Now I rest at peace.

I right my wrongs.
Wisdom is my name.
Love is my heart and-
Peace, my head.

Scars.
Scars kiss my flesh.
I know me. You don't.

Stop telling me who I am.

I smile-
I laugh too-
Looking at these scars.

You say I'm crazy
Because of it. What if I am?
I'm a happily crazed child.
I am strong because my scars
Remind me of how much weight I have carried, I can carry.

My heart may say feeble
But my mind say power, strength, hope.

You choose what you want
Your mind will say to you.
I choose what mine will say.

Scars.
Scars kiss my flesh.
I know me but you don't.

My scars remind me of my
Survival.
Tell me to keep surviving. Breathe..

My scars,
My mind-
Help me to
Breathe.

She is with you Sir,
But you pummel her so.
It has been five years.
Torturous, agonizing
She is without child.
You know she cries herself to sleep?

For only you and child,
Her heart bleeds.
No longer red
Black blood she bleeds.
Every night you try
She cries, she pleads.
Yet she is without child.

It's safe to say her name
Has changed for love this cannot be.
You made her hatred thick.
A blade she
Takes, she draws in big -
Block. Words. 'SORRY'

I hope she doesn't strike
That vein. May not, she may.
She prays endlessly to Hera.
Her heart is dead,
Her soul is red.
A furnace for her spirit.

Hera take pity on thy soul;
Take this ache away.
Here again you pummel her so.

Bright light and now-
She sits before the King's feet.

On bended knee,
Gabriel by her side.
He dried her eyes.
'Don't cry my child-
For you are now home'
The right side thief
Looked down on she
'You are with The Father, your mother
And father.

Do you now see thou cruel
Sir? You granted her a wish.
Something she never asked you for.
She looks down on you
And now she smiles. Her ex-
Husband, lover, friend has made her happy again.

Do you now see thou cruel
Sir? You shall live in guilt.

Grand is it not
To so suffocate alive-
To drown on the floor?
To feel numbness and pain
Fight each other?
Pain demands to be felt!
Oh-   it knows no bounds.
It plays around your-
Heart and head.
The reason your often
So misled.
It listen to your screams
And peeks through that bathroom door.
Whilst you just lay there-
On the blood-stained floor.

Grand is it not to be
Both dead and alive?
Tell me,  do you see what, goes
On, on my insides?
Do you not see emptiness
In chocolate orbs?
Or is it just me?
I look at glass and that is
What I see. A dead shadow
Staring back at me.

Why?
Why must she tempt me-
With that which I want most,
Love.
Her acceptance is all I want,
For she is the hardest to please.
Her way of making me forget my anger, forgive her.
An act of love out of her own guilt consummation.

The temptation is great for all I have is she.
Her heartwarming smile,
It melts my ice and lights an ember so bright.
But no,  I will not, should not-
Succumb to this treachery.
For the love she portrays
Is a facade,  a deceit only she-
Can possess.

She'll pat your head,
Tell you your own stories through her eyes-
And compliment all those situations.
She is a manipulator,
For she waves her love;
Your weakness and desire,
In front of your eyes.
Watching the want in those orbs.
I will not,  should not-
Succumb to her will.
For she is-
The temptress.

One main thing I-
Fail to understand is how
Someone so intelligent
Can feel so devoid
Of knowledge.

Is because he regards your
Input on him sir?
Could it be that he values your
Opinion so much?

Are you that important to
A life worth as much as his?
How did you acquire such
Great importance to make
One of the most knowledgeable
Feel so worthless?

What a wonder this is to me.