The first time I open my eyes
Each morning, I see you lay there

Quietly sleeping with a mind full of dreams
Undisturbed by my early rise
I surrender to the moment
Enveloped by peace and tranquillity
Radiance gleaming back at me
Only now do I understand the meaning of love.

Can one surpass the limits of their own species?
Feeling human seems like wearing a shirt, two sizes too small.
Constrained by my very essence,
I wonder, how long can skin contain spirit?

Will my soul shatter this cage of flesh and bone,
Exposing the deity trapped within?
Can my ego withstand the blow, yield control,
And let truth grace the present?

Perhaps it's wise to let death be my ferryman,
To wait with patience for the destined moment of transcendence.
Yet for now,
I choose to bask in this human experience.

I will dance, I will play,
I will dare to love with an open heart.
I will lean into life's fleeting nature,
And for now, choose to be human.

don't ask God, "where have You been?"
realise it's You
You who disappeared all those years ago.
You.
the One who forgot all there ever was

Effort is my safety net
If I never try
I can never really fail
My internal excuse
The eternal fail safe
Preventing heartbreak
Minimising disappointment
Even if sometimes I succeed
More often I give up
If I gave it 100 percent
What excuse would I have left
How could I brush off the pain
I can never give maximum effort
Because what if I don't have what it takes

I am water
in a steel pan over a hot flame
Dark thoughts bubble to the surface
Burning hopelessness
inundated at boiling point
Crying down the metal carcass
Tears drip to extinguish the flames
The restless sea begins to calm
The sting of the heat takes time to fade
How much of myself remains?

I hate the good days
I have no reason to feel
As bad as I do

Not all dreams are nightmares
but not all nightmares are dreams
Last night I woke up
with the hallway echoing my screams

I saw you with another man
with happiness all could see
I told myself it was just a dream
not premonition of what was to be

I swore I would try harder
to be the man you needed in your life
I needed to focus on you
make you feel happy to be my wife

Today I would bring you flowers
It's wasn't much but it was a start
I thought I would leave the office early
We already spent too much time apart

I couldn't wait to get home
I rushed through the gate
I flung the door open
But I was too late.

I hate myself for loving you
You chose to sail out the door
Leaving pain for a wake
And my brother on the shore
You told him you would take him
but instead you broke his heart
I had to become man of the house
I had to take care of mum
I'm glad I barely knew you
I didn't have to see what you had done
less than 5 months old
you didn't even give me a chance
But I can't hate you
I have tried
trust me I tried
I know when I see you
I won't be able to help myself
I know I don't need your approval
but that doesn't stop me wanting it
Wanting to know
If it is possible for you to love me
Do you love me?
It is impossible to tell
you left me alone in this world
Am I supposed to think you care
but
you would have been miserable
if you stuck around
if you were not happy
I am glad you left
I wouldn't want that around
but
It doesn't stop the pain
It doesn't stop me hating myself
it doesn't stop the anger I feel
Why Oh Why
no
How
Do I still love you?

Yet as I scream into the empty abyss
All that echoes is my sorrow

Goodbye past things that hurt me
trauma that still affects me
burdens I no longer need bare
Memories that weigh on my mind
Behaviours we no longer wish to re-enact
the pain we no longer need to suffer from
I have learned what I needed to learn from these lessons
I understand that it is a part of my life that no longer serves me
I am ready to accept it and move on
I am deserving of love
loving myself enough to heal
forgiving myself for mistakes
understanding that which makes me grow.

How easy it is
to sink to the bottom
Relax
Exhale
Close my eyes
and just sink
Give in to fatigue
Cease my struggling
It's hard to stay afloat
But how easy it is
to sink

I could have dance
I could have played
I could have chosen to laugh
all
this
time
I could of chosen to be happy.

I am a parasite with a conscience
leaching off your radiance
happiness is my sustenance
Short term elation at my hosts expense
Your love is a drug
but I am an addict
Removing your needle from my arm
Knowing I will wither without you
You may bleed from the marks I left
Though the wounds will heal
I know you will be better off without me
even if that's not how you currently feel

I'm ok
Ok I'm not fine
Fine, I don't know the reason why
Why I feel so empty inside
Inside where my black heart lies
Lies I tell you to avoid explaining
Explaining the darkness I feel
Feel like I want this day to be my last
Last thing I wanted was to hurt you
You didn't want the real answer to your question
Question why you even asked
Asked me how I am today
Today I don't have the energy to hide
Hide the fact I am Struggling
Struggling to survive the days
days that get harder with each one
one more and I may not be able to carry on.

TU
  MB
      LI
        NG
            IN
              TO
                 DA
                    RK
                        NE
                            SS
                               .