I'm not an obvious kind of pretty
I don't have natural blonde hair
Or bright blue eyes
No perky little *****
No gap between my thighs
I don't look like anyone else
I bleach my own hair
Use drug store eyeshadow
Wear dresses from the clearance rack
That show the red bumps after shaving my legs

I have lumps and bumps
Cellulite and pudge
Blackheads and bacne
A recipe for nothing special at all
Just someone average
Who has a bright twinkle
In her **** brown eyes
And curvy hips
That sway in the sun

You have to look close
To see all my beauty
I'm not a model
Or a ******* bunny
Just someone on the sidelines
Watching the models and bunnies
While they get the attention
And I get brushed by
It's not obvious that I'm beautiful
Until you look into my eyes
Until you see my semi-white smile
Then you notice the little moles
The silver scars
The way my body curves
In a voluptuous way
And you see
Just how perfect I am

As tears roll down my face
Not knowing what's wrong
Yet I know what's wrong.
Constant war inside my head
People may never know what my thoughts are
Constant thoughts about suicide.
Sometimes there are days where I get close to actually doing it.
Constantly trying to make others happy.
Yet I've never been able to make myself happy.
Constant battle of trying to survive these days.
Yet some days i want to end it all.
Constantly overthinking every little detail.
This is what is killing me slowly.
Constantly being angry or depressed.
There's no inbetween..
Constantly trying to find this happiness.
I don't think it's inside of me.
I think I'm  meant to die young.

I'm trying everything and anything to get better.
Yes people have it worse I get that.
I'm just sick of faking everything.
I'm simply sick of struggling since freshmen year of highschool.
It's 2018 now.
10 Years and it gets worse and worse each year.

Each memory that should be made and embedded in my head fades.
I barely remember anything anymore.
I'm so numb to everything.

Im Not human anymore I'm a cold tin robot.

Looks like this is the end.

Goodbye to our late night phone calls, because I will never hear your voice again
Goodbye to the long walks in the park, because I will never feel the warmth of your hands
Goodbye to the way you always held me close during a storm, because I will never be in the same room as you
Goodbye to the morning coffee, midday mojito and midnight snacks because there is no one waiting for me at home
Goodbye to all the valentines, teddy bears and gummy flowers, because there will never be someone as thoughtful as you
Goodbye to our silly nicknames, half anniversaries and crazy road trips, because my memory has been severely affected now
Goodbye to all the hugs, kisses, tickling and corny jokes, because it hurts too much to remember
Goodbye to our future plans, and dreams, because everything stopped on August the 19th
Goodbye to all the love, lust and passion, because I will never feel again
Goodbye to the years of laughter, tears, and mayhem because that’s all in the past now

Goodbye to us…

Fading away from things I loved once
It's a blur
My heart still beats
Yet I feel dead.
Is this how life is suppose to be?
I don't know why I'm here.
What's my purpose?
I'm lost, confused, scared.
Someone just guide me
I can't guide myself anymore.
I will die fast if I keep going alone.
Send help.

I'm holding on loosely yet tightly.
This noose around my neck gets tighter as my grip slips.
Please don't let me die.

My hands trembling from fear.
Everyday I'm closer to death.
I can taste the dirt when I'm in the ground.

I'm slipping right into a dirt nap.
When my grip is lost
The noose will choke me

Dangling there lifeless
People surround me
Crying acting like they care

Don't fake your cries.
You knew I was in pain and did nothing.
The blood is on your hands,
Just as well as mine.
We shared in being guilty.

I'm gone now
The pain isn't on me anymore
Now it's spread through others.
Imagine the pain, the fight, the struggle of being numb day to day.
I wasn't alive even when I was.
You'll forget me eventually.

Just know, i loved you.
You know who you are.
Just know, *******.
To those who ****** me up this bad.
Just know, I knew you cared about me.
I know who cares about me.
Just know, to those that acted surprised.
You knew but you were to selfish to realize.

People commit to one another by saying death do us part.
Shouldn't that mean to your future children to.
Why alienate your own child.
Why leave your child without answers as to why you left.
Why don't you bother years later try to hold a conversation after they said sorry for something they don't even know what they did.
I don't understand.
Death do us part.
Means nothing anymore to anyone.
You make a commitment to someone you try to work that **** out.
If you can't be thr for your children you shouldn't have comitted...
Shouldn't have said sickness and in health... or death do us part...
Because I'm apart of you and you act like I don't exist.