I watched this year slip away
I lost my will to live.
I watched my bestfriend die slowly in front of me for months.
I couldn't do anything.
I watched myself push away everything I once loved.
I lost my goals and dreams this year.
Lost motivation.
This year I lost myself.
I wonder where I'm at.
All I know is I hope i find my way back.

2018 destroyed who I was and who I am.
Now I'm just another useless body.

Why is it always you?
Why does it have to always be about you?
For once, think about others.
Did you know the night you abandoned me,
I almost killed myself?
Probably not cause you don't ask about me.
Did you know my dog has been almost 3 months?
You knew she was sick for months.
But you never asked about her.
It's always about you.
My feelings don't matter to you.
You use me till I'm dry.
You mentally ***** me up.
I'm so lost of what to do.
Your not a friend to me.
I'm just supporting you to keep you afloat.
I'm hoping one day you'll realize what I've done to make you happy.
To push you to achieve things.
Yet you ******* off when I needed you at my lowest points.
Yet, I'm still here.
I'm your safety net.
What will you do if I give out?
Your safety net is hanging on by a thread.
You better come to realization before my last thread breaks.

Blink once
Your alive
Blink twice
Your gone

I blinked
And one second you were breathing
I blinked again
Then you were dead.

Every time I blink
I lose time seeing.
Every time I blink
I miss something.
Every time I blink
I see only darkness behind the lids of my eyes.
Everytime I blink.
I lost the chance to say goodbye.

Chose your moments to blink.
You might miss out on something special or miss saying your last goodbyes.

I'm holding on to nothing
My grip slipped from the rope
I'm forever in this dark hole i now call home.
I'm the only one who can change that.
Yet,  I'm trapped by this dark mass that haunts me.
It follows me every where.
Some days it keeps its distance.
Other days it's holding me till I suffocate

The dark mass that consumed me.
Consumes many of us.
Some are stuck like me.
Others are hanging on the edge.
While others stand to help.
Some walk away.
This mass is important.
We all need to stand up and fight.

People commit to one another by saying death do us part.
Shouldn't that mean to your future children to.
Why alienate your own child.
Why leave your child without answers as to why you left.
Why don't you bother years later try to hold a conversation after they said sorry for something they don't even know what they did.
I don't understand.
Death do us part.
Means nothing anymore to anyone.
You make a commitment to someone you try to work that **** out.
If you can't be thr for your children you shouldn't have comitted...
Shouldn't have said sickness and in health... or death do us part...
Because I'm apart of you and you act like I don't exist.

Do you care?
About any of the thoughts and feelings I have.
Do you care?
When my depression makes me isolate myself
Do you care?
About me at all.
Do you care?
About my suicidal thoughts.
Do you care?
When I cry.
Do you care?
If I'm happy or even doing ok.

Do you care?
That i try to support and love you, when I shouldn't.
Do you care?
Of anything I've tried doing for you.
Do you care?
That i still try to be your friend when you've left me at my darkest hours.

Do you even care.
I can't keep staying and trying much longer.
Just let me go so I can heal.  
You aren't a friend to me anymore.
Your just a stranger to me now.

I don't want to speak to you anymore.
The phone quivers violently in my hands.
I become resentful,hysterical,pained and bitter.
You have the guts to still try to act like everything is fine.
When it's not.

I need to cut you out if my life.
You've hurt me with your narcissistic  ways.
Yet I want to keep you in my life cause I think you'll change.
I know you won't.

I clenched my fingers tightly.
You drained me and my patience.
Seems you can't see over your ego for one second to realize what your words and actions have done.
I hope you wake up one day realizing you weren't the best friend to me.
If you wanted to be in my life then act like it.

Your not the hardest goodbye I had to deal with but your the gravity I need lifted off my anchored body.

My time here is coming to an end.
I see the drop into nothingness.
I'm at the edge looking down.
A noose tied around my neck.
One foot off the ledge.
My final thoughts.
Am I finally going to be free?
Am I going to be happy finally?
As I step off the ledge,
Something stops me before the noose tightens around my neck.
He stands behind me.
Wrapping his arms tightly around me.
I'm here for you.
I say I just want to die.
He says your better than this. Your a fighter.
I'm worthless, a burden, and exhausting person to be with.
He says, I love you and all of your mess.
I simply don't understand.
I push and push for him to leave.
He stays.
I want him to be free from my disease.
My disease has it's grip and won't let go.
He stays and stays.
He fights and fights.
He hugs and hugs.
He loves and loves.
He is the one who saves me over and over.
Yet I stand at the edge always looking over, Waiting to leap.
He won't let me cause I matter to someone.
I matter.

5am Sunday morning
Quiet throughout the house
Till I hear fumbling around in the kitchen
bang
crash
See you scared out of your mind
You can't get up.
I help you up
You fall again
I help you up
You fall again.
These tears wet my face and I fall to my knees.
It's time for you to go.

As I lay with you waiting to go put you down
The flash of memories rush through my head.
The memories of you saving me from myself I will never forget.
I'm alive because of you.
The memories where you always made me laugh and smile just because I was upset.
But My heart shatters and I can feel sharp pains throughout my body.
It hurts to see you in fear and pain.
Yet you were in pain for awhile
Sorry I couldn't save you.

The car ride to the hospital was the hardest.
As you layed next to me panting and looking up at me scared.
Tore me apart.
Yet you gave me one last kiss
And I felt in the moment I know you loved me and said it's going to be ok.
You gave me signs that you were ready.

We get to the hospital.
I break down because I know I have to be with you when you go.
I needed to comfort you how you comforted me through my dark times and when I was scared.
I hug you
I hold you
I pet you
All these moments and memories.
As we wait for the doctor
I look into your eyes since that's the only thing you could move.
You looked at me and I looked back.
My heart tightens and my.stomach flips upside down.  

I pet you constantly trying to stay strong and not break down.my eyes already puffy,red and aching.
You slowly begin to fall asleep because your relaxed in my arms.
You warmed my heart with the kiss in the car then you relaxed as I've seen all morning.
Then you make me laugh one last time.
You burp loudly.
I'm sobbing yet laughing cause you always know how to make me laugh when I shouldn't be.

Thank you for,
reassuring me.
loving me for me.
making me smile.
making me laugh.
reminding me I'm loved.
But most importantly
Thank you for saving me.
Still wish I could have saved and helped you more.

We knock on the door to let them know it's time.
The doctor explains what's going to happen.
I break down.
She puts the tranquilizer to relax you.
Your heartbeat slows down significantly.
I pet you and comfort you for the last moments on this earth.  
The doctor comes back.
Puts the last injection

All of sudden...
Your heartbeat simply stopped in my hands.
I couldn't even cry in that moment.
I was just so numb I couldn't even process it.

The car ride home felt like it went on for hours.
It felt like the road kept getting longer.
My head was simply numb.
My heart was in my stomach and I can feel the shattered pieces poking me internally.

You had a long amazing life full of love and made everyone happy that met you.
You lightened up the room everywhere you went.
You made me happy when I didn't want to be.
You were the bestfriend I could have ever asked for.
Thank you for saving me.
I'm happy your not in pain anymore.
Thank you for fighting for
so long.

Your forever in my heart.
I love you Brandy.
Goodbye and I will be with you again one day.

I'm holding on loosely yet tightly.
This noose around my neck gets tighter as my grip slips.
Please don't let me die.

My hands trembling from fear.
Everyday I'm closer to death.
I can taste the dirt when I'm in the ground.

I'm slipping right into a dirt nap.
When my grip is lost
The noose will choke me

Dangling there lifeless
People surround me
Crying acting like they care

Don't fake your cries.
You knew I was in pain and did nothing.
The blood is on your hands,
Just as well as mine.
We shared in being guilty.

I'm gone now
The pain isn't on me anymore
Now it's spread through others.
Imagine the pain, the fight, the struggle of being numb day to day.
I wasn't alive even when I was.
You'll forget me eventually.

Just know, i loved you.
You know who you are.
Just know, *******.
To those who ****** me up this bad.
Just know, I knew you cared about me.
I know who cares about me.
Just know, to those that acted surprised.
You knew but you were to selfish to realize.

This monster that lives inside of many.
Takes people daily.
It's unfair that this monster lives in all of us.
Yet some can control it.
Others get consumed and killed by it.

We need to open up more about this monster.
Why is selfish If the monster consumes another victim.
This monster is hard to live with daily.

He screams and he won't give up.
He makes you fight with yourself.
He makes you hurt others.
He is unseen by many,
Cause nobody can talk about it.
So he remains hidden behind walls so high.

Then...
He consumed another restless soul.
This monster lives in all of us...
He just hasn't reached you yet.
Beware he is coming for everyone.

She used to be human.
She use to have fun.
She used to be talkative
She used to be alive.

Her emotions run her life into the ground.
Her fun turned into pain.
Her voice doesn't have strength to talk.
She's alive, but only her body is here.

Do you see these nails that are bitten and torn to shreds.
Do you see my hair that is mangled and tangled, it hasn't been washed in days.
Do you see this acne on my face, I pick at it till it leaves scars.
Do you see the clothes I'm wearing, I bet I haven't changed them in weeks.
Do you see this room, I haven't cleaned it in months
Do you see my teeth, they bleed because I haven't brushed them in awhile.
Do you see I go on binges of eating or not eating, cause I feel guilty.
Do you see I go on benders if drinking or smoking.
Do you see my eyes and face are red from crying recently.
Do you see my texts I never send cause you wouldn't care.
Do you see when I say "I'm ok", "I'm fine" that those are just lies.
Do you see my smile and laugh, it's mostly fake.  
Do you see how I sleep all day and wake up and go right back to bed.
You don't see but you should.

This list could go on for infinitely.
It's signs like this that should be noticed.
Depression, anxiety or any mental illness is important for learning the signs.
Your story matters just as well as your voice.

These words
These words I don't speak
But words are the only way I reach.
It's my cry for help
I'm in agony

Yet nobody reads these words
These words of anguish.
suffering a slow death before everyone's eyes.

This is the only way I reach out.
Through my words I cannot speak myself.
My head creates while my voice is silent.
My voice is forgotten but my words are forever.

These words are my thoughts that control my every waking moment.
Please read with caution.
My darkest hours, days and years are poured into these words.

As tears roll down my face
Not knowing what's wrong
Yet I know what's wrong.
Constant war inside my head
People may never know what my thoughts are
Constant thoughts about suicide.
Sometimes there are days where I get close to actually doing it.
Constantly trying to make others happy.
Yet I've never been able to make myself happy.
Constant battle of trying to survive these days.
Yet some days i want to end it all.
Constantly overthinking every little detail.
This is what is killing me slowly.
Constantly being angry or depressed.
There's no inbetween..
Constantly trying to find this happiness.
I don't think it's inside of me.
I think I'm  meant to die young.

I'm trying everything and anything to get better.
Yes people have it worse I get that.
I'm just sick of faking everything.
I'm simply sick of struggling since freshmen year of highschool.
It's 2018 now.
10 Years and it gets worse and worse each year.

Each memory that should be made and embedded in my head fades.
I barely remember anything anymore.
I'm so numb to everything.

Im Not human anymore I'm a cold tin robot.

I will catch you when you fall.
I will wrap around you till you feel secure
I will not let go till you can walk again.
I will always be right behind you when you feel like your falling again.
I will not break because I'm your support.

But who will catch me when I fall.
Who will wrap around me till I feel safe.
Who won't let me go till I can walk again.
Who will be there everytime I fall over and over.
Who won't break on me because I use your support to much.

I will catch everyone who falls into me,
But who will save me when my net breaks.
The netting I once had is duct taped everywhere because I've been used, torn and some I couldn't save.
They broke me..

I will be your safety net if you would be mine every so often.

Fading away from things I loved once
It's a blur
My heart still beats
Yet I feel dead.
Is this how life is suppose to be?
I don't know why I'm here.
What's my purpose?
I'm lost, confused, scared.
Someone just guide me
I can't guide myself anymore.
I will die fast if I keep going alone.
Send help.

There I was sitting outside on a cool summer night.
Just outside watching a storm roll in.
Listening to the rain drops individually hit the grass and leaves.
Watching the lightening kiss the sky.
Hearing the roar of thunder that pierces my heart.
Then it dawns on me.
Everybody is a storm that wants to be watched,Listened too and as beautiful as.
We want others to lighten there skies in a dark moody night.
We want others to listen to us when we just want to be heard.
And we want others to look at the beauty of the mess we are.

Everybody is a beautiful storm that wants to be heard, noticed and admired.

Their she was
On the edge of the cliff
Wind whipping through her hair.
The sound of waves crashing.
She's surrounded by such beauty
Yet thoughts consume her
She can't enjoy the things she used too.
She wants to know who she is .
She wants to find that missing piece.
She wants answers.

We use to be wound tight like two vines wrapped around another. We laugh, we cried, we were messes at time. Then the one day you got yourself a precious new flower. You guys began to bud together. Eventually that wilted and we grew back together. Months later you got a new budding partner and you began to grow with him. Yet, you seem to forget all your partners. You forgot who helped you grow into this beautiful flower. I gave you so much sunlight in order to see you blossom into your true self. You forgot and left me to wilt away with winter. I helped you grow through everything. I told you patience and time will allow a partner. Yet. In the end i didnt mattee to you. My vine is shriveling and my petals hit the ground. I wasnt dying because of you. I was dying because i realized you never wanted to see me grow, the way i wanted to see your grow.

Now im starting to bud and grow alone without you. Im wrapping around and becoming a flower without you. I deserve sunlight now. I deserve a friend who actually cares. I deserve someone to save me from myself. You have fun blossoming with your new partner. I'm happy your growing and one day maybe when im truly gone forever, you'll realize how much i was there, or maybe not.
Thank you for the growing lessons. Its time for me to blossom.

The art I use has no meaning
I use be radiate happiness
Creating art is no longer in me
I willow away like leaves falling off during autumn.
People tried to push me towards my dream.
But my depression took it's grip.
And there went my dreams down a dark spiraling hole.

Art saved my life for the longest time.
As well as many other things.
But all the things I used to love and enjoy.
Are slipping out of my hands.
Then what will happen?
The dark cloud will consume me like it had many unknown others.

This year she lost everything.
No, not materialistic things
What made her who she was.
Her laughter use to be infectious
Her love was wound tightly
Her caring for others was strong.
Yet, that's all gone.
She now is filled with rage and anger.
She is consumed by this dark cloud.
She doesn't laugh like she used to.
Her love is distant cause she doesn't want to cause harm.
She cared to much sometimes, that's what ruined her.

She lost many things this year.

Losing a bestfriend of 15 years.
A companion that loved her through everything.

Figuring out who people truly are and what you mean to them.
Everyone eventually forgets and gets caught up in there own lives.

Yet, she lost the light at the end of the tunnel.
Her light vanished as she is wondering aimlessly through the tunnel to find her hope.

She's been searching for herself for years, Every year her hope dwindles.

One day she hopes to find herself again.
She misses the way she always made others laugh.
She misses loving people because they deserve it.
She misses helping others through there dark times, because she knows they weren't alone in there darkest hours.
Like she was in hers.

There is hope.

Cycling again
The same old spell I've been under for years
I start  to become more positive
Starts seeing the light of happiness
Yet it comes crashing down again
Over and over
I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of spiraling out of control.
I abuse and abuse
Drugs, alcohol,  and eating
I start not to take care of myself again.
Then it slows down
I pick myself up just to fall within minutes, days and sometimes months.
This  cycle lasts longer each time.
My habits become more  vicious
To the point where I don't know where I am
Don't care if I die
I just want to get higher and higher for this never-ending pain to go away.

Simply why can't I stop this madness.
I don't have dreams or goals anymore
I wish for one thing every birthday or every shooting star I've ever seen.
Just to wanting to be happy.

Just one time,
I would love to know what is life like without :
overthinking
being depressed
Not being angry.
Just a girl wanting to be normal.

These poems flow out of my fingertips.
Yet it feel a like most of these poems aren't good enough.
Am I good enough?

The thoughts start.
I have a drink and smoke a cigar.
Yet I keep writing about the same things.
Loss, friendships, mental health.
Can I make a book of just these.

Will it sell?
What if I wasted my time.
What if people hate my writing style?
What if I **** and people around me are lying.
I want to be a published author yet I stand in my way to do so.
Same with photography.

This poem isn't a poem.
It's more of a rant in poetry form.
Everything i write is useless.
Most of my poems aren't poems,
They are rants.

Maybe I'm the one wasting everyone's time.
Sorry...

We are the wounded few
We fought battles unlike any other
We fight
We may lose something along the way
But if we fought hard enough,
We won.

We are the few that are scarred
Scarred from battles past
We may live in the past sometimes
But these scars show,
We survived.

We are the scared few
We are scared of the future,
Of things we can and can't control.
But we can control our future.
We will conquer our fears.

We fight battles
All of us.
We have stories
All of us.
We are scared.
All of us.
We are all the same.
Every single one of us.

One second, i felt fine and everyone once in awhile i would get down but i would get right back up.

Now, I feel as if i only become worse overtime. I don't know where i went or if I'll come back.

People say it's temporary, but its been years of constant struggle and secret pain and a never ending battle with myself.

My whole life feels like a blur and i only remember the worst events in my life or a few rare happy moments.

Pictures are the only way i can jog this fogged memory. Which yet sometimes those photos seem unreal.

Looking at myself in the past I played off everyone by faking it and still do. I look back on photos of me and i don't recognize myself. I see those old photos someone i never knew. Someone, who faked it all.

Now my heart is crushed and bleeds out slowly. As it drips through my body i can feel everyday coming closer to the end of my survival.

My brain isn't scared but my heart is terrified.
My hands won't **** but my head will.
My body isn't well but my heart keeps it a flow.
I may not be who i was back then but pain caused me to become bitter, broken and quiet.

Where did I go? Who am i? Why am i here?

Hey you.
Yeah I'm talking to you reader.
I bet if your reading this you either are really depressed or simply bored.
But I have a few words for you.
You are good enough.
You matter
You are not alone
Whoever is hurting or if it's your head..
Just know and remember those words. Rip this page out if you have to re-read them over and over.
Please stay strong.
Know that I'm here for you.
Your story matters.
It's ok to be selfish, especially to save your mental health.  
Know that it will be ok.

You are loved.