There's
a
rhythm inside me that I want  craft fire to
But I never can keep up with the ticking clock

There's

a
wall that obstructs my view I want to see higher yet
What if I climb until I find out I don't like what's at the top?

One day I'll step out of line and ignore the warden who drags me back
I'll climb the tree next to the wall and dance along the top
But for now each day pulls me in a struggle unyielding
It would be a dance if my mind could process all that keeps proceeding

If I could pause it for a beat perhaps I could find my feet
But the game gets faster while I just get more confused.

I suppose I'll get used to it.  Will it always be this way?
and does it feel the same somehow to everybody else?
I want to dance perfectly
impeccably,
beautifully
in a way that's new and full of life and my own very soul

but head down I keep dozing to miss out on the pain and I shut my eyes
Squint over the wall's holes.

I bought myself a kite to fly
I tossed it up and ran around
I tried to pull it through the sky
But found it just dragged on the ground.

It landed in the mud, it was mangled, it was done
And thus concludes the tragic tale of the kite I numbered one.

My second kite was different.
It caught a mighty gale
I flew it well, then let it go
And in the end I failed.

It joined released balloons and leaves, whatever else is there
In the *****, lonely cloudland in the out-of-picture air.

I still had hope and so I bought
My final silken bird
I told myself that I would soon
Unleash it to the word.

The kite's debut date got pushed back and further back until
It found a final resting place untested in its skill.

I bought myself three kites to fly
The first two meet ill fates
The third one has a dusty shelf
Where it keeps very safe.

I catch glimpses and pieces of a story I need to be a part of
A word or an image will hit
a particular spot in my heart
and strangely resound
Ideas skip through my head that suddenly click.
I come alive
I bolt upright
"Yes!"
but then it is gone.  Upon closer examination,
nothing was there.
I don't even know what brought me to this train of thought in the first place.
A second ago it felt very important.

I shake myself off and try to fall back asleep.

I am driving back home
my motions automatic
against my will
returning dutifully
to face my life again.

I am doing the right thing, the good thing, the necessary thing.
The obvious, singular choice.

My thoughts of flight are absurd and cowardly, a fantasy created
because my energy is dying,
as is my passion
and even my
love.

...love.
how?? why?? could I let my love grow so stale

In my arrogance I equate flying into the unknown darkness
of lonely back roads
with idealism
denying that my fantasy is born of
pure selfishness.

I am an idle watchman, a soldier idly contemplating desertion before even reaching real conflict.

I am still on the right route, turning stiffly left
now facing fully towards home.
Doing all the right things
on autopilot and
cursing
every
second.

Roses are dead
Violets are dying
You tell me that I’m barely trying
I’m crying I’m dying
I’m foolishly using the time I’m buying
To tell you I’m fine
That I’m okay
That no, I don’t want to die today
But I’m lying
Well not completely lying
It’s not that I want to die but more
I don’t want to be alive
Alright?
So see I really am trying
But trying so hard if inside you’re dying
Like the violets and the roses
You’re so done
With the violence and the rope says
He can help you out of here
You’ll take the chance he can take you anywhere
Where the people are all ok and the parents start to care
But the rope is wrong
His promises give a scare
As you realize he’s leading you up some grand white stairs
To a gate  
And you think you’ve finally met your fate
And then a small thought creeps inside your head
You wonder if you’re really left of better dead
And you think of your life and all the little pretty things that made you feel you were the King of Kings
The happiness that life sometimes brings
Between the stings
The times when you feel like there’s hope to find
You’ll start to find
The glowing gates aren’t really looking all that kind
And you’ll close your eyes
And you’ll realize that you should give life one last try
To do you right
And you’ll walk back down those stairs and return to life

And years from now when you think back to this dark night
You’ll smile and be thankful that you walk away
From the gates that day
You made your life worth living and love everyday

So don’t go up the stairs just yet
Please just give it one more shot
Give all you’ve got
You’ve got to see the love that you’ve always sought