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My emotions are so black and white
I’m not even putting up a fight
I think that you’re right
I’m just black
I’m going back
It’s a heart attack
I try to make it so even the way the poetry looks has meaning; I made the lines sink in, then raise back up, even as the lines get darker and it seems like I’m losing more hope. I recognize that the darkness is attacking my heart, but I let it happen, and I let myself think the darkness is right. But even as I’m giving up, and even as I’m losing hope, God intervines and lifts me up. I still feel like darkness—I feel it in me—but God’s still here, and He still wants me to accept His grace.

3.24.18
“Time travel is a very dangerous thing,”
they say.
And I agree.
I sit at my desk, and put my earbuds in,
and there I am,
in that room again,
in that state if mind.
3.14.19
deep calls to deep
with the roar of your waterfalls
see as i weep
i don’t trust you in the falls
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me
i’m with all the fakers
let me drown at sea
3.20.19 - 8:30pm

Lines 1, 2, 5, and 6 come from Psalm 42:7. This chapter is talking about a thirst for God, even when you’re feeling lonely or depressed. In this psalm, the author questions why he feels sad and far from God, and knows that his faith is being tested.

I take “deep calls to deep” as God is always wanting us to grow closer to Him, so our faith will always be built or tested. And I see “in the roar of your waterfalls“ as God’s glory and power.
“see as i weep” shows the conditon I’m in since I’m not trusting God and I’m not totally committed to Him. A lot of this poem could have a double meaning, such as “i don’t trust you in the falls” or simply the title, “the fall.” The title could either reflect this line, and would mean that I don’t trust God in a leap of faith. Or it could reflect the theme of the poem, and how I’m afraid to fall away from faith.
“all your waves and breakers have swept over me” could either mean that I’ve been shown God’s power, or God keeps giving me His grace, or I keep getting convicted to come back to Him.
“i’m with all the fakers” expresses that I feel like I’m faking my faith. I feel like a fan, not a follower. And I feel like I’m just in the crowd of fans. “let me drown at sea” also has a double meaning. I deserve to die, physically and spiritually, and I don’t deserve for Jesus to extend His hand to pull out of this ocean of emotion. Or it could be my plea for God to drown my demons again.

I’m feeling very semi-automatic and double-sided. I know where God is. I know I can come before Him at any moment. But I choose not to. I know my state of being isn’t healthy, and I know my well is dry and I thirst for other things because I’m not drinking from the living spring. I feel like I’m ignoring God.
you are my Midas,
and I miss your rich touch.
the brush of our hearts golden,
painted while we collide
in a whirl of emotion
as our skins coincide.
and I miss it so much.
A droplet of sorrow,
with the pitter-patter song of tomorrow.
up for interpretation
If I gave you my soul,
would you read each page?
Scribble notes of interest
and know me.
Would you take the time,
to help tape the seams?
Would you mend,
the fragility of my soul?
It tears and rips,
easily, emotionally.
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