My brother doesn't see what he is doing
Only calling when he wants something
So needy,  when I need you more than as a convenience.
I cannot give you more than I have.
I gave you my support when you joined the military
When they discharged you for hearing loss
I held your head as you cried and told me that you had no worth.
I remember when you were small before your growth spurt,  when people picked on you--when I picked on you.
I am truly sorry,  maybe it is my fault you are this way....
You are a gentle giant some days,  helping disabled children ride horses or help with large workloads.
Yet you treat others so badly on most days
You bully our mother
Cuss the man that stepped in
As our own father left us
I hope this is simply a phase to grow out of.
You act as though you are a freak,
And you must fight anyone and everyone to prove your worth.
You proved to me the night that I was ***** that you can be a man.
You were only ten back then,  but you slung your fist at him so hard I heard bones crack.
I want that man as my brother, the man I know that you are capable of being.
Why are you so arrogant?
Why do your friends treat you as a god because you are abnormally tall?  
Does it make you feel good to put others down?  
I hope you see the error of your ways,  before you look around at all the bridges you've burned,  and you suddenly realize you are on an island completely alone.

"Dear God,

I know that I've made some mistakes lately.
I know that I've done things I shouldn't do and said some things that didn't represent you..
But today is a day that begins anew and I have found some things to offer to you.

Today, I give you my responsibility.
I vacuumed and dusted, and paid out some bills.
Sent emails, made phone calls, and to go out with a ****..
I took out the garbage and vacuumed my floor.
I've never given you that before.

Today, I give you my focus
I sat down and read, for an hour or two
On adventure, on love, and a bit about you.
I wrote that **** paper and although it was painful,
I sat there like a drone and watched History Channel

Today dear God , I give you my game plan,
For I've made one just for you.
In ten years i’ll be in California with a child or two
I’ll have a nice house and a flawed but beautiful spouse
A cross on each wall to prevent a downfall in our habits of worship to you

In five years i’ll be married and i’ll have a career
at a  giant corporation where I get to steer
where my life is going and the number on that check
this will easily prevent me from becoming a wreck

In two years dear God i'll have finished up school,
got the perfect degree and a pedigree smile on my face in
that green and gold graduation photo i’ll be running a race that I am ready to win

Today I give you the love in my life
I've got you a man that should suit us right
He is gentle but strong and there's only a few slight things wrong but
He believes in you and I cant really wait around for much longer..
So I got him for you

So I know that I've made some mistakes lately.
I know that I've done things I shouldn't do and said some things that didn't represent you..
But today is a day that begins anew and those are some wonderful things that I've prepared for you

So why am I sitting alone in my room lost and confused and unable to move
because i'm consumed in my sobs of failure….

What did I do?"

And when you didn't answer I gave up on listening and sank into my bed…
That was when you  decided to speak and said “Child rest your head
on me.”
I see what you've done and I see what you've made and  its lovely, but in substance
it is merely a charade of how you’re supposed to be
You forgot one small creed child its so simple indeed..
just one small question you needed to ask me before your life was freed..

And that was “Dear God, what is it that you need?”

SO I say to you dear child that all I ever wanted was you.

I love your responsibility, your focus and hope,
I understand that you wanted a man to help you cope
but surrender to me and you will finally see
that blind faith is what blossoms young seeds into trees.”

So I sat there and sobbed some more.
Then I got down on my knees and prayed.
Then I stood up and reached for the sky and said "Dear God,
I know that I've made some mistakes lately.
I know that I've done things I shouldn't do and said some things that didn't represent you..
But today is a day that begins anew and I know this is a bit delayed,

but today, I give you myself.
I’m no Hercules and I can’t offer much  
but i’m loving and caring and in need of such guidance from you my lord
I give you my life at the tip of a sword *** I know you’ll take it with care and guide me with your word.
You created me with purpose and with purpose you’ll lead
me to where I am truly supposed to be
I surrender me."

IF I could have stopped you.
I would have jumped in my car, raced to Hohenwald,  and slung gravel as I sped down your driveway, braked fiercely to stop inches from that guest house,  and fly out  from the inside of my car,  screaming, "Don't do it!  I'm here,   Uncle Brandon!  I love you! We all love you! "
I would have ran up the cedar steps, kicked the door in with my foot,  and yelled as loud as I could until you answered me.
No matter how many times I yell at your headstone, you never answer me.
You were a cowboy, traveling all over the country,  and seeing sights that many would never witness in their lifetime.
You had broken every bone in your body twice
you had a sense of humor
intelligent (two degrees), both in English and Teaching.
You had dreams of being a lawyer and
a college professor.
Only you were a cowboy first.
You loved to ride,  and you loved with a heart bigger than Montana sky.
I wish you had not left.
I miss seeing your dark brown matted hair, peeking from beneath your torn,  curved cowboy hat as you tipped it at me, with a wink,  adding, "See you when the wind changes"
You were a poet.
I think of you when I write,  and part of me still blames myself for not telling anyone about seeing you at my work that night.  You looked awful and I knew something was wrong,  but I didn't say anything--I have no clue why.  
You loved life,  why did you leave?
You had love,  why did you look?
We were your family,  why did you leave?  
I shouldn't be typing this
You are dead.
The world lost a true cowboy.
A man that lived by the sweat of his brow,  and the dirt on his clothes.
I would have stopped you.  I would have grabbed that gun,  and hugged you for the longest time,  and then I would have saddled up your horse and one for me.
Then the four of us would trot along to the highest hill we could find,  and I would watch the sun move across the sky, and tell you that every sunset of every day is always different, so you don't need to miss a single one.

Uncle Brandons last poem
   Im riding. Riding this way is like playing a finely tuned instrument, at times delicate, at other times powerful... The true artist can play with equal dexterity a soft ballad or a crashing march.

Love. It's raw and it's unforgiving and it's brutally consuming. It creeps up on you like a thief in the night and steals away all that you believed you had protected. It's dangerous and it's heavy with risk. And still - it is the most precious and most sought-after gift. It's a desire that is rooted in our bones. Love is pain that you choose to succumb to. Love is seeing the darkest corners of someone's soul and refusing to quit. It means treading water that is deep and destructive but finding a way to keep your head above the current. Love is sacrifice. It does not surrender, it does not falter. It is the loudest hope. Listen to it.

There is never a moment that I cease to breathe you.  
You smell like pine,  a forest full of nature's wonders.
I smell asphalt, a thousand roads traveled together.
My nose picks up musty, brittle letters between the two of us.
Pieces of leaves and grass pressed, from thickets around footprints.
I travel through many worlds because of my nose.
It leads me,  guides me, and at times, controls me.  
I let go slowly, as I return all of our memories back to the small keepsake, and I close the sock drawer.

Snip
Cut
Bang
Simmer

I want a transit,  a travel against my skin, that keeps going until I command it to stop.
My mouth begged for light, to feel warmth on my face

Heat oven to 450

You laughed and tossed me,  a rag,  away from the mahogany scent of your chest to the cold,  hard floor that I am stuck to.
I miss you
I try to imagine you so that I can delude myself into continuing, but my mind strangely has already forgotten you.
I cannot remember your eyes,  or even your favorite color anymore.
Some wish for that type of amnesia, but I am solemn.
I wanted a piece of you to carry with me always.

Cook for fifteen minutes or until dark

I hear my other side in my head; She is the evil within me.
I am brunbrunette, she is red.
I wear flats--her long legs are attracted to heels.
She smiles and with a curvy, smooth voice,  much like a fiery dame from 1920:
"He has a piece of you though; you gave him your whole heart, and he only took a bite! That's alright, you don't need him or anything like him! You are a woman.... "
I drown her out with recipes,
4 cups of music and 1 cup chardonnay
(okay maybe MORE than one)--
therapy that I have made many appointments for.
Adding bits and pieces of me that I share,  and some I don't
One thing I know,  if a new one comes along,  he is going to have to be patient,
I learned my lesson from burning out on the first batch

Take out--let cool
Don't eat all at once--savor.
Enjoy a slice at a time.

please tell your ghost to stop following me
and whispering in my ears
that i was not good enough
please tell your ghost to stop following me
and calling me sweetheart
and putting his hands all over me
please tell your ghost to stop following me
and watching me while i cry
about how i miss you
please tell your ghost to stop following me
and laying in bed with me
keeping me from closing my eyes
please tell your ghost to stop following me
if i can't have you
then i don't want your
ghost