Stop telling me she only did this because she was scared
I was scared too
I was a little girl
She was an adult
She brought him into my life
She watched him hurt me
Kept him around because he made her happy
Because she didn’t get the same kind of treatment her kids got
She got something out of the relationship
All we got was terrorized
For no reason
Because we existed
Because we were there and wanted to stand up for ourselves and our mother
We were hated because we had voices
That kept speaking out whenever he was loud
She is not a battered women
She was not so abused that she couldn’t stand up for herself
There were many times she stood up for herself and said she would leave him
But she would never leave him because of something he had done to us
Only her
She wanted him
Because she needed someone to hold her up
Because she couldn’t take care of herself
Even though she had two children doing their best to hold her
She put all of her weight on us
And all we expected her to do in return
Is be a mother
She wasn’t a mother
She watched us be whipped with belts
We stared up at her waiting for her to tell him to stop
To push him away to do anything
But she wouldn’t she stared at the ground
We told her many times about each man she had brought into our lives
The ones that sexually abused us
Three children came to her for help
One pregnant
She denied each the help they needed
Didn’t believe them, instead asked the abusers for their side of the story
Then the man got arrested
She lied to the police and told them she had no idea
About the beatings about the abuse
Like she hadn’t watched or seen our red, bleeding welts
She still visited him before his trial
Until the very end
Until his “accident” that she claims he caused
After she was so destroyed
She didn’t cry though
Not during the funeral
Not when she found out
She was dry-eyed and angry
She spun out of control for years
We didn’t talk about my father
We didn’t talk about anything
She was never home
Always working
Mainly partying
Coming home skinnier and hyper
Coming home happy until her next fix
All the while my twelve-year-old sister took care of me
Day and night
From the time I was four until I was seven
My mother was a **** head
She got angry quickly
But was so hyper
Leaving all the responsibility to my young sister
To parent both me and her
My sister had always taken the majority of the care for me
But these years it only got worse
At this time, we all slept in the same bed
A five-year-old, and thirteen year old and a thirty-four-year-old
I had put all of my stuffed animals into the bed to sleep with us
It was my mother's idea that she and my sister slept on top of them
And so my sister listened
And they moved their bodies atop my toys
I pulled at my favorite
Because I slept with it every night
My mom got angry and slammed my head into her metal bed frame
Hard
I cried and she apologized but the damage was still done
She met another man
Who cleared her of her sorrows
And made her from a ****** to a trophy wife
She was so happy
So it seemed at first
So was I
At first
He charmed us with restaurants
And fun activities
Structure and attention
That lasted about two weeks
He charmed my mom into marrying him
At this point, we were scared of him
He would yell at us for the smallest mundane things
And punish us without reason
He would hide in our closets
Then pop out when we started talking about him
He would scream at us
I don’t know how to explain how bad this was
You don’t understand unless you were there
You can’t imagine unless you’ve lived through it again and again
His face would get red
His eyes looked like ice
Normally you thought they were blue but when he was angry they looked icy
Like all the fire from his soul was burning him alive and his eyes were trying frantically to put them out
He used a threatening demeanor
He got close to you
Like he was going to hit you
He balled his fist
And told you how pathetic you were
How stupid
How fat
And worthless
First, he’d say it in a cold voice
Then get scream at you
Then he would kick things around
And break them
Like the time he broke my mom's doorway
Kicked it in so much that she couldn’t shut it
He hit me only once
He pushed me into the rocks and struck me hard three times on my bottom
He also threw my makeup bag at me while I was in the shower It hit my head then fell to the ground
My makeup spilled out and my nail polish broke
It spilled all over the bag and all over the shower
He hit my mom a least once I can remember
I told my mom about him sexually abusing me
I told her about him adjusting my bras and touching my *****
Which should have been enough to send a mother haywire
But it wasn’t
I was so ashamed and embarrassed about all of the other things
The things that were so so much worse because I was so scared he’d yell at me
That I just let him touch me, I just let him do the things he wanted to
I’ll forever be mad at myself for that and feel guilty
My mom told me from the start she didn’t believe me
But I didn’t truly believe her until she lied on the stand testifying for her beloved husband
Testifying against the daughter who had tried to protect her so many times
She broke my heart
I haven’t been the same since and that was almost three months ago
No, I don’t forgive my mother
She is not a mother
She was an accomplice to my abuser
She neglected me
She didn’t care and only loved herself
She was scared
But I was too