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Dec 2019 · 22
Stay
Nola Leech Dec 2019
Breathe me in
Just to spit me out
If you’re not going to stay
Just leave already
I’m done
But I’ve said so many times that it feels almost normal
I forgot the word No
The word go
It’s time to focus on myself
Everything me
The spaces between
Everything from the outside to the middle
I don’t need anybody
I’m fine by myself
You’re nothing to me
But once you were my everything
I saw myself in you
Now I can’t recognize my reflection
I look for you everywhere
But you’re nowhere to be found
Nola Leech Dec 2019
It’s because of you this happened
Everything is because of you
And her
My mother
Because she didn’t protect me
And because you didn’t care about me
It’s because of you that I’m always scared
And mad
Mad that this happened to me
When God knows it shouldn’t have
I have no job experience
I have no volunteer experience
Because I sat in that house neglected for entire days by myself with no means of transportation
The only volunteer experience I have was with you when you molested me
And I’m not putting that down
So thank you
Thank you for making me cry in random classes at random times of the day
Because I can’t stop thinking about what you did to me
Now I can’t finish my homework
Because I don’t know what to put down
I’m writing this so I don’t get emotional
When I shouldn’t be
Because nothing is wrong anymore
I’m not hungry anymore
I’m not by myself
And I don’t have to be scared of you anymore
But I still am
And I wish I wasn’t
I wish that I was normal
And I had a real chance to survive in this world like everyone else did
I wish that I would have taken chances
I wish that I would have told sooner
I wish that my mom would’ve cared enough to help me
But she didn’t and I didn’t and you didn’t
No one did anything
And now I’m here
In this class
Writing this
When I should be doing my homework
Angry, When I should be happy
Remembering what never should have happened
I really don’t know what to put down
Because I just don’t
And I don’t want to put your name down
Your name makes me ***** in my mouth
I hate you
I wish you would just drop over dead
But I know God doesn’t want me to do that
He wants me to pray for you
But I don’t know if I can
Because I don’t wish anything good for you
I wish you everything you have ever done to me or my family ten times over
I wish you ever word, every touch bite against skin brass knuckles bruised lips from not speaking a word
I wish you all the hell you ever did on to me
I wish you a lifetime of tears
I wish you poor body image and low self esteem
I wish you every tear I ever shed because of you
In an ocean that would drown you
But because I’m a good person
I wish you realization
Correction
I wish you not a happy time
But a time of learning
Nov 2019 · 31
Black Mirror
Nola Leech Nov 2019
She doesn’t recognize herself
She stares into the mirror
But the face staring back
Isn’t her
This girl is feral
Dangerous
Liquid poison dripping from her tongue
This girl could snap at any point
Collapse at the drop of a hat
Freak out
Then there's no going back
You’re gone
There’s no saving you
You’re all alone
Like you always were
But you’re not anymore
Dark arms pull you in closer
You feel the cold glass hitting your skin
Your eyes closed briefly now you open
She switched spots with you
You bang on the mirror to get out
But now you’re trapped with everyone else
Who’s ever trusted their reflection
Shadows in dusk
Rain in the summertime
This was not supposed to happen
Nov 2019 · 33
Confidence
Nola Leech Nov 2019
Sometimes I hate myself
I don’t know why
Because I don’t say the right thing
And I shouldn’t
Because I’m so nervous
I wish there was something I could be
Something
Poison
Climbing down the stars
Something feral confident
Acid dripping from her tongue
Exhausted from the chase
She’s trying to hard
Dying
Her tears put out the flames
She doesn’t know why
Why she doesn’t recognize herself
Nov 2019 · 117
Summer/Winter
Nola Leech Nov 2019
Summer is blue skies
Summer is pink lemonade daydreams
Summer is me and you
Winter is cold
Winter is leaving behind the old
Winter is me without you
Summer is warm, bright
Summer is happy days
Summer is when you held me tight
Winter is snowy, white
Winter is missing the flowers you used to bring me
Winter is saying goodbye
Nov 2019 · 29
Hurt me like you do
Nola Leech Nov 2019
When I drive
By your house
I look for you
Against  my will
I have to
Just anything to see you
Even though I don’t love you anymore
Even though you never loved me
Seeing you just reminds me
How beautiful and cruel the world can be
Even though you never loved me
Even though you never cared
Just because you didn’t doesn’t mean I can’t
You probably think this is about you
Without knowing anyone else I’ve been with
But none of them made me hurt like you did
Nola Leech Nov 2019
I don’t hate gym
it’s not my best class but it also not the worst
I will do push ups
I will run, do sit-ups, crunches and burpees
I will do everything you ask of me
Except play the games
Volleyball, Kickball, baseball
I just can’t
My body tenses, my lips quiver, my head freezes
Everyone’s just so much better than me
Runs faster than me, plays better than me
They look like their having fun
Like everything worth being alive
They look better than me
Dress better than me
This is what I think about during gym
Besides that, girls
Thin girls, thick girls, pretty girls, ugly girls
Who am I? And where do I fit in
Where do I belong?
Not here
In this gym, sweat pouring down my chin
legs wobbly, body tense with anticipation
Muscles weak, brain tired
From shouting
Over and over again
In my head, how useless I am
This is why I don’t participate in gym
Nov 2019 · 21
Colors
Nola Leech Nov 2019
My fingertips are gold
my heart, navy blue
But only when I
Am thinking of you
No one understands
That I am slowly sinking
Fading away forever
Can’t you see
That i’m trying
But nobody knows
I’m slowly dying
Nov 2019 · 23
Ana (Trigger Warning)
Nola Leech Nov 2019
“Starve” Ana said, and so she did
Her body screamed “no” but she keep going
Because she wanted to love her reflection in the mirror not hate it
She trained her brain to hate the sight of food
Chocolate cake looks like diarrhea, lasagne looks like brains
“I’m strong” Ana said “starvation will never break me”
I’ll stop when I’m thin she told her parents
hungry to bed hungry to rise makes a girl a smaller size
Once on your lips is forever on your hips
“Resist or regret” Ana said
“You don’t have to count calories if you don’t eat”
All your allowed to drink is water and black coffee
Ana is making me sick
Nov 2019 · 24
Easy
Nola Leech Nov 2019
Sometimes I feel so sad and I don’t know why
My life has gotten better and theres clearly people who have it worse than me
So why can’’t I just appreciate what I have?
Why do I have to be so angry and mean and sad all the time?
Why can’t I just love myself so others can love me back?
I want someone to love me
The way people in old films love each other
The way Jack sacrificed himself letting Rose set on the door while he froze
I don’t know who I’m attracted to
When it comes down to it, *** doesn’t matter to me
I just want someone to hold me in their arms and tell me it’ll  be okay until it is
I want someone to be there when I cry and tell me it’s alright
I want someone to care, and I’ll do anything, be anything to have that happen
I don’t care what I have to do, as long as I stop feeling empty and hallow
Why can other girls be happy and in love, but I can’t?
I fall in love fast, and I stay in love for a long time
I’m devoted and clearly available
So why not me?
I just want someone to be with me
To hold me until I can hold myself together
But I know why no one will
Because I’m a freak
If love is so easy
Why isn’t it easy for me?
Nov 2019 · 30
Fake
Nola Leech Nov 2019
We were exactly the same
Except not
Exactly
You were a real person whereas I
Am fake, everything about me is borrowed and reproduced
The rope keeping me Tethered is frayed and loose
You and I were exactly the same
Except you were better than me
And it wasn’t your fault, maybe it was my fault
Because I always tried to be you
But no one can be you
No one can be me
But who would want to be me
When all I do is try to be other people
I’m selfish
I care about other people, but sometimes I don’t
Hysteria is a daily routine
I’m over dramatic and fake
I feel manufactured and plastic
You know I’m selfish because the only pronouns I use are me, me me and I
I need to think about other people
I need to be myself
Nov 2019 · 31
Glue
Nola Leech Nov 2019
Bone skeletons and hallowed corspes  
It’s not hard to pick out the ones that are already dead
Circus freak girls who look in the funhouse mirrors and see elephants staring back at them
Shrunken rib bones form into a cage that at this point barely holds a soul
Mix my blood into the many glasses of water you’ll drink today
So you too can feel hollow and empty
Fragile like broken glass, skin thin as paper
Insides cold as ice, snow glob girl trapped in breakable glass
Lipid eyes and blue fingernails
Unhealthy has become a muse
Heroine eyes and thin lipped smiles
Glass will eventually shatter, fruit will rot
Scraped skin and bruised knees
Pink lemonade daydreams
I am the definition of sick
Of self harm, of mental illness
I am the change, the willingness to get better
I have been broken but I know how to put myself back together
I can help you put yourself back together
It’s hard but all you need is glue
It’s starts with you
Nola Leech Nov 2019
I am drinking a diet coke and dying
You know that you’re sick when even the stench of food makes you want to gag
And it’s easy now to make other excuses for why you’re not eating, because there not excuses anymore
Food just doesn’t taste like it should anymore, it makes my stomach feel tight and uncomfortable even when I’m eating a small amount
I feel disgusted after I eat a big meal, and sometimes it’s hard to hold back my *****
But now I can’t purge my food because I’ve already destroyed my gag reflex brushing my tongue is a nightmare
I can say that my eating disorder is in the past but it always seems to creep back into my life slowly like an unforgotten ex slipping into my sheets, infecting my brain, making me sick
There's just foods that I can’t stand the sight of anymore, and I don’t know if it’s because of my pills or my eating disorder
I can’t stand most cheeses
Most chocolates
Sweet things in general
Anything dripping with grease makes me want to hurl
When I imagine my “perfect body” I want to be curvy but so thin my ribs show with tall legs and small hips
You can only be either or
You can’t have all
I am drinking a diet coke and dying
I’ve spent time with other people like me, and it made me realize just how sick I am and how sick eating disorders are in general
That’s why I need to write about this and talk about this so maybe one day i can stop feeling like this and make sure no one else decides to do this
Eating disorders are nothing to make light of
Cleaning your ***** out of the bathtub is not what I imagined I’d be doing when I was my goal weight
Along time ago this used to be my goal weight, but I am never done
Eating disorders are a virus infecting your system, a fungus infecting your brain
Collarbones and hip bones are not the only thing that matter
I am drinking diet coke and dying
I used to be so ashamed to talk about it, because when you’re sick it’s embarrassing to talk about it
But you need to talk about so you can get help for it, and make sure that no one else feels like that
Worshipping the way your body feels in a corset you wear under your clothes hands stitched from years of looking in the mirror and hating your body
Fabricated from the lies you told yourself, when you tried to convince the world you weren’t sick
You’re sick and you need to talk about this so no one else feels sick too
I am drinking a diet coke and dying
But I will stop so you don’t have to
Nola Leech Nov 2019
Crush my bones into a fine paste
My lips slack and cold with the words I wanted to say but never told
There was a fire once lit, but now it is just just embers and no matter how much I try I can’t help but remember
Back in November when everything was normal and no one knew I had a problem without me having to tell them
I haven’t been angry since my break down and from there everything seemed to spiral down
Instead of being told reasons I have to live for, I’m told how much I am cared for
What happens when they stop caring?
Is that when It’s okay for me to die, I could lie and say I’m better
I had to sugar coat every single letter and I tell them that I’m fine
I’m not scared, I’m not lonely I haven’t stayed awake wondering if I wasn’t alive
I haven’t been angry since my breakdown, I haven’t felt anything unless I’m sad or someone is mad and I’m not, I’m not exactly like my dad
Everyone normally likes me, except when they don’t or when I’m actually being me
But I’m not me right now I’m crazy and everything before that feels so hazy
When I imagined my high school years I thought of daisies
And just maybe, my time is coming
Maybe all I need to do is stop running
I just need to hope
And deal with my problems and cope
But coping isn’t always as easy as it sounds
Especially when everyone seems to want a showdown
I haven’t been angry since my breakdown
I tell everyone I’m just fine
The only thing I do in math is draw straight lines
And remember the time when you were mine, and something belonged to me and I never had to be something I’m not but I always had to pretend
Pretending became part of my life who I am, it became part of my daily routine where I could pretend nothing was exactly what it seemed
Freedom sounds nice, being able to pretend if I want and be alone in the house
But I’m never left alone because I might hurt myself and honestly if given the chance I’d **** myself
And this time I’d make sure I’d get it right
Take so many pills that I’d see the light
I had considered shooting myself in the head
But there would be too much blood to be shed
That’s why I took the pills in the bathtub
Because the pills were a last minute decision, gun or pills?
Sometimes I wonder if I should have chosen the gun
But then I think about my mom
Cleaning up my blood and then I am grateful I didn’t choose it
I’m glad I decided to forget it
I feel like I don’t deserve to be alive
but at least I can say I try
To be a good person
I learned my lesson
I changed the lives of everyone around me
And that’s worse than if I was dead
Nov 2019 · 21
Push through
Nola Leech Nov 2019
The best way to get over something is to push through
To cope, to know your problem and deal with it
There is no way to “fix a problem” there's no way to bring things the way it used to be
The best thing you can do is push through
It’s not the only way but it’s the best way
It is the only way that you’re going to see yourself in a better way
It’s the only way that people are going to see you on better days
Push through it’s the only thing to do
Nov 2019 · 35
I am loved
Nola Leech Nov 2019
I once loved you so much it hurt to breathe
Like a catostrophache storm clouding over me
I once loved you like a kitten loves string
I once loved you more than bees love spring
But after awhile seasons change ,and kittens grow up
And now I don’t need anybody to tell me for me to feel loved
I am as loved as moths to light
I am as loved as stars to night
I am loved because I am me
That’s all I ever wanted to see
Nov 2019 · 40
Don’t look
Nola Leech Nov 2019
Don’t look
I wouldn’t want you to see me like this
It’s best that you look away
I want you to remember me
Exactly the way I was
Don’t look now
My face is greying
My hair is fraying
I know I keep on saying
But don’t, don’t look
My eyes are unblinking
My heart is sinking
Please don’t look
You wouldn’t like what you see
Nov 2019 · 11
Therefore I love you
Nola Leech Nov 2019
If the stars continue to shine
Consider yourself mine
Therefore I love you
If the grass will grow
I’ll  never let you go
Therefore I love you
If you promise never to deceive
It will be my heart that you receive
Therefore I love you
It is your inner and outer beauty witch I behold
I will wrap my arms around you so you never get cold
Therefore I love you
If the sky stays blue
I will always be true
Therefore I love you
If your tears continue to pour
I will be there, for sure
Therefore I love you
And if you shall ever leave my eyes will miss the way you smile at me
And my lips will miss the way your lips fit so perfectly into mine, like a puzzle piece once lost and now found
And my arms will miss the way I held you, and was held by so close
And my heart will miss the way you made it race and pound with affection
If my heart was a glass vase
I bid you not to drop it
For when you do it will shatter, and never will the pieces be whole again
Therefore I love you
Nov 2019 · 32
DISNEY GIRLS
Nola Leech Nov 2019
Little girls grow up with Disney
And all your life Disney girls have been found by their princes
All your life you have waited for your prince but time and again he has not shown up
Then suddenly, here he is, and he is nothing like you expected
All he wants to do is play video games, ignore you and he never ever shaves
You try to do what Disney princesses do but now it just doesn’t feel like it should but you go through the motions because he is the only one who showed up
Then you meet another Disney girl, except she is nothing like you expected she never waits for what she wants, and she makes you feel like yourself again
You realize that you don’t need to wait for your prince any longer for your princess has been here all along
Nov 2019 · 92
Trapped in Fat
Nola Leech Nov 2019
I have spent  my entire life at war with my body
Raised in a home, where pretty is small
And if you weren't you weren’t much at all
Two years ago, I found my sister’s diet journal
Her bulimic blog, her anorexic aesthetic
For some reason skinny is important
Society has trained little girls with big dreams and big thighs
To cut themselves in half, then fold themselves 26 times
To achieve model perfection, size zero you are my hero
Little girls,I will tell you this, something you will hear a thousand times but never enough
It does not matter what size you are, how thick your thighs, how tight your mother’s dress is around your waist
You are not your body
You are much more than your body
That is just a mere covering to hold your greatness
Your body will rebel when you mistreat it
Like when your cat ran away when you forgot to feed it
Your stomach will cave in, your bright eyes will sink , your hair will fade and dry, your muscles will wither
I know that it’s hard, it’s hard to stop thinking when you can only think in the form of crunching numbers
When you couldn’t stop counting calories to save your life
When all you wanted to do is be skinny or die
And even when you achieve that goal, you look in the mirror and you still look the same, you still look like that fat girl who ruined your life, you’re still are the girl that nobody likes
Habits are hard to get rid of
Like how you bite your nails and tap your toes
I know how hard it is to stop but you must stop, you are killing yourself you are stunting the growth of your greatness
Little girls with big dreams, no matter what your size, YOU matter not your body
Nov 2019 · 13
Call me by your name
Nola Leech Nov 2019
Tell me something you want to know
Watch my feelings for you grow and grow
Hold me tight, day and night
Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine
Proving our love is real from the dawn of time
See your lips quiver, your backbone shiver
Give me sight, to see the light
Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine
Baby, this is your time to shine
Who cares what the other’s will say?
No one will stand in our way
Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine
Anything is okay, everything is fine
They’ll hear me roar, then they’ll know for sure
That she is mine and I am hers
Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine
God says Eve was made from Adam’s rib bone
No, she was born of golden sunshine
Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine
Nov 2019 · 15
Closet
Nola Leech Nov 2019
You never know what lurks in the darkness
I lurk in the darkness you don’t want them to see you so you hide your face, you hide your feelings you hide who you are
You don’t want them to see you
But I see you because I am here too
We are hiding for different reasons through different seasons
We hide in the dark because it feels safe
When the living room becomes an unwelcome space
And everything you say is wrong
And everything you do is just another reason for someone to judge you and blame you for things that you can’t control
And the fact that nobody liked you, until you stopped saying things that you really meant and started saying things that they wanted you say
And started acting like they wanted you to act and every day becomes another reason to hate yourself, another punch on a punchcard that you're going to heaven unlike those other kids like you who didn’t keep their mouths shut
But I am done standing in the shadows, done keeping my mouth shut
So do what you will, but now there's only you
Nov 2019 · 21
Small Town Thanksgiving
Nola Leech Nov 2019
Your mother and you have arrived, you sit on the sofa belonging to your stepfathers aunt
You know the names of everyone in the room, but they do not know you
The men ignore you, the ladies ignore you, except to tell you they like what you’ve done with your hair
Your mother is glued to your side, sitting as close to you as she possibly can
You go down stairs with the little kids even though you are old enough to have conceived one of your own
At least you would think that they would accept you as their own but no they have picked up the cues from their parents who didn’t realize they were giving
What a joy it is living in such a small, small  town
Expensive couch pillows stuffed with down
And then before you know it the food is done, the real reason your mother insisted you go
Not to listen to small-minded chatter or to watch the ladies show off their new babies and the ever present football game on tv screen that is a necessity
Now it is time to say grace, you stand in the same spot you have stood  in every year copying what your mother does, wondering if anyone here ever thinks about jesus at this time
You would think that the floorboards would have sunk for every time you have stood in this spot but no the floorboards gleam the scene is pristine the turkey shines
The food they remind you took money and time infused with just a hint of lime
Whether you like it or not this is family
You have to love your family
Even if they don’t know your here, your uncle is filled with beer
Even though you spend the entire rest of the day alone and down
This is your family in your small small town
Nov 2019 · 17
Anorexic Atheistic
Nola Leech Nov 2019
These are the years of skinny jeans and sadness
Of black eyeliner and blackouts
Surviving high school high on hunger
The only way to cure an anorexic is realization
Realization that maybe those five strawberries you’re eating for breakfast, lunch and dinner weren't  as healthy as they were before you started counting them as calories
Realization that maybe you shouldn’t have binged everything in the house then threw up
Realization that maybe you should just burn your diet journal with the rest of your habits
Becoming anorexic will give you a new vocabulary, with words such as binge, purge and thinspiration
Your mind will become a calculator counting every calorie as a new way to punish yourself for being a size six
Let me tell you there is nothing wrong with your body, but there is something wrong with your mind
Even when you reach your goal it will not be enough until you are a size smaller
Until you can see your ribs
Until bones is all that's left of you
Until your dead
Nov 2019 · 28
Fathers
Nola Leech Nov 2019
My mother thinks my father killed himself
He was crushed to death
I don’t know how
I was never told
But I’ve come to understand that his death might not have been accidental
According to my mother
He had a few mere seconds of unbearable pain before he passed
At the funeral while my family mourned
I wondered how anyone could look so lifeless and feel so cold
I was four
He looked like he was in a soundless slumber
Having the most pleasant peaceful dream
After the funeral
A blonde haired women glared at me as I started to cry
I never knew her name
Years later I would only know my father by his old t-shirts my mother would wear to bed
As my mother spun out of control
I spun on the merry-go round wondering why life was so cold
As I spun, empty and motionless
Six year old me would see a father pushing his girls on the swing set
Only I would find that unbearable to see
A year later, when I am seven a new father comes along
He is nice, at first
three months later
He is your stepfather
The only one you could ever remember
The one you wish you could forget
Years later you’ll keep his secrets
And he’ll tell all yours
My mother thinks my father killed himself
Sometimes you’ll wish he didn’t
Nov 2019 · 27
Secrets
Nola Leech Nov 2019
My sister held on to me
Like she was afraid to let go
I told her about my past
About what I didn’t want anyone to know
I told my suffering to my savior
And she held me tight
And told me she would take care of it
Tonight I cried
Because a little part of me died
When I told
What no one should ever know
Now no one can tell me
That I didn’t scream loud enough
That I didn’t cry hard enough
That it didn’t happen
Because my sister is here and she’s taking care of it
These are my secrets
Nov 2019 · 196
Gender Roles
Nola Leech Nov 2019
To be women is to be delicate
Swooning over silence
Quiet, lips zipped
Soft, demure
To be women is to ask no questions
To know every answer
To be obedient
Not to be scolded to know our place
To be women is to be delicate
To be male is to be strong
Never cracking under pressure
Brave, outspoken
Loud, tough
To be male is to be her hero
Even when you don’t deserve to be
To know every question before it is asked
To be male is to be strong
Nov 2019 · 21
Friends
Nola Leech Nov 2019
We were friends
From the day we first met to this moment
We had miles of hurt behind us
And an empty road of beginnings in front
I was the steadfast one
The loyal and cautious
You were the wild one
Crazy and spellbound
Both of us recoiling from the pain we caused each other
We made eye contact
You looked ,I looked
For a brief moment
It was like things were the same again
Nov 2019 · 26
My Mother’s Perfume
Nola Leech Nov 2019
My mother smells like vanilla
Every time I pass her through the house I catch a whiff
My Mother’s perfume used to be a comforting smell
It would always remind me of ice cream and swaddled new born babies
My mother is a nurse, so she knows how to take care of people
But not how to protect people
Or believe
Imagine
My mother used to be an artist
Aged canvass
The smell of paint in the air
The third generation of women
On her mothers side
She used to have fun
She used to love me
And care if I was sick
If someone had hurt me
When my father died
She told me she was now my mother and my father
But she was never around
My mother said she had a dream
That my sister and I were babies again
And she had one of us on each arm
At least I know she still thinks of us
Even if it’s to only wish we were still dependent on her
She didn’t protect me
She didn’t believe me
Sometimes I think she doesn’t even love me
Nov 2019 · 13
You
Nola Leech Nov 2019
You
You care about me
Something I’ve wanted for so long
And now it’s right in front of me
This is something I can trust and believe in
This is something good to put my faith in
When I kissed you
I knew
I knew that even if we don’t stay together forever
At least we have this
At least we have each other
Our friendship
Our trust
And I know that even if we fall out of love though I don’t see that happening soon
I know that when I think of you, you’ll still make my heart swoon
And even if we don’t stay together
I know that we’ll still care about each other
Everything that we’ve done and everything that we’ve been through
I know you feel the way I do
When I tell you
I love you
And I mean that
I’ve only written about people who’ve broken me
But now it’s time for something new
You
Nov 2019 · 21
Girlfriend
Nola Leech Nov 2019
I want to be the perfect girl for you
I want you to be able to think back on these years fondly
Looking back wondering how we ever drifted apart
If I have to lie to you
To protect you then I will
You don’t need the real me in your life
Baby, I’m a drag
I’m not perfect, I’m not what you deserve
I’m not pretty enough, smart, funny enough
I’m not the princess you think I am
I don’t want you to feel like you have to catch me when I fall
I love you but I don’t want you to feel like your burdened with a girl who can’t get it together
So I won’t tell you
Because I don’t want you to think I’m crazy
Or just maybe
That I don’t care enough about you
That I’m throwing my problems at your feet
That I’m making everything about me
Though sometimes I wish someone was there to hold me when I get like this
But I should be able to get through this myself
What would happen if you were gone?
Who would I lean to?
I need to get my act together
I need to straighten out my life before I bend and break
I just want it to be me and you at the lake
And I’ll do anything, anything it takes
To be a normal girl
To be your normal girlfriend
To be the girlfriend you deserve
Nov 2019 · 20
My big sister
Nola Leech Nov 2019
This is the story of
A little girl
Who didn’t want to be a big sister
But the moment she saw my face
She knew she had to protect me
And for that I’ll always be grateful
I’ll always wish I was able to save you when you needed me
But often times when I tried I failed
Because I was too small and I wasn’t strong enough or my voice wasn’t loud enough
From the moment I saw my big sister
I knew she would be my best friend
The one I’d laugh with
The one I’d cry with
The one I would defend
Against anyone
The one who’d pick me up
When I’m down
The one who’d tell me I’m beautiful
Even when I look like a clown
The one I would make inside jokes with
The one who’d protect me
Stand up for me
The one who’d never let me go through anything alone
The sister that asked christmas morning if
I could go to the bathroom before we were locked in
The one who gave me her sandwich when we didn’t have
Any money to buy food and there were only 2 and mom had ate hers already
The only one who believed in me when no one would and actually helped me
The one who tucked me in at night
The one who made me broccoli cheese soup
The one who made me try new things
The one who took my spankings for me even though the belt would draw blood
The sister who was more of a mother to me
Then our own mother
Thank you
For being here
For being
My sister
Nola Leech Nov 2019
The girl who wouldn’t have said anything
The girl who kept her mouth shut
She is gone
That girl had been through too much
Her mouth wired shut
I throw flowers at her grave
That girl
Frozen in fear
She is gone
She died, but not with my bad memories
The girl who would wear braids in her hair
The girl who was too afraid of male strangers
The little girl who was not protected
The girl with trust issues
She is okay now
She is letting go
She is healing
Nov 2019 · 20
Strive
Nola Leech Nov 2019
Trying to be the superstar
I’m trying to be the best
I can be
I’m trying to strive
Succeed
To impede the need
For break, bend, and snap
Crack under the pressure
I need to stay positive
To do my best
I can do it!
I have to do this!
I love this!
This is my life!
Don’t give up!
Yes you can!
You can do this!
Strive
Perfect
Achieve
Nov 2019 · 22
I wish you the best
Nola Leech Nov 2019
I wish you the best
Even though you didn’t wish me the same
Even though you stole my heart and cracked it in pieces
I don’t think of you
Okay I still think of you
But lately it’s only been with bitterness
So I’ll say this once to you
I wish you the best
The very best
Even though I was doing my best
To be with you
To feel something for you
This is me getting my anger out
I don’t really care about you
But when I feel sad
I need to place my anger, sadness on something
But I wish you the best
I genuinely hope you’re doing better
But I don’t care to check up
Nov 2019 · 19
My sister
Nola Leech Nov 2019
She believed
When no one else would
She cared
When I didn’t even care
I remember that girl
Who was scared
But brave at the same time
Who got pushed back
But took two steps forward
A girl
Who tried to be her best
Nicest to all
Even when her life was falling apart
Even when someone wronged her
She loved like no one could imagine
Forgiving those who hurt her
Wronged her
She is the sweet
Girl who took care of everyone
I’m proud of her
She’s come so far
In the 23 years
She’s come to find
Peace in herself
In her body
In her life
Nov 2019 · 16
She loves us
Nola Leech Nov 2019
My mother’s love is a burning house
It’s a white picket fence trampled in the dirt
My mother used to love us
She cradled my sister and I in her arms
She once told me she had a dream that we were both babies and she carried us one on each arm
My mother didn’t care if we got hurt
Only if it affected her in some way
She always talks about the “good old days”
Before we could talk before we could walk before we could give her our opinions
I know my mother loves me
Deep down in my soul I know she really does
I think in some deep hidden part of her she does feel bad for what she’s done to us
What she’s let happen to us
I love my mother but I don’t trust her anymore
I don’t trust her to make decisions for me
I don’t trust her to not let anyone ever hurt me
Because I know she just goes along with the crowd
When my mother’s feelings are hurt
She won’t talk to us
Even if all she’s hearing is the truth
Even if she’s heard it a million times played backwards
A broken record that she’s lived through
My mother doesn’t like the truth
It doesn’t paint her in a very pretty picture
She doesn’t want to talk about it  or think about it
And in some ways I understand that
But some things need to be talked about
Some things need to be out in the open
Before they burst and explode
And only people are left
Crying
My mother took care of us as babies
At least that’s what she said
We could see in pictures
Our earnest begging eyes
Staring up at her
Wanting more and more from her that she couldn’t give
I love my mother and through all of this, everything
I just want her to know that
Nov 2019 · 22
My mother was quiet
Nola Leech Nov 2019
My mother was quiet
My father was loud
His words
His hands
The sound of the belt crackling in his palms
Though through all this my mother was silent
My mother moved through the house like wind
Silence crashing into the quiet, small spaces between
My father stomped, pounded his way like thunder
Never breaking through the ever-growing tension he built brick by brick
My mother knew more than she would tell
Her silence melted into our very beings
Shutting us out from any reality
Shutting us out from any chance that we could be happy
My father never broke, bent, snap
Stern, overbearing
My mother was quiet
Nov 2019 · 30
Silence
Nola Leech Nov 2019
I screamed so loud
Without making a sound
I didn’t move
I didn’t say anything
Silent
“Keep your mouth shut”
And if you didn’t
“You’re lying”
He’d say
But I wasn’t
“Stop!”
But I didn’t say that
I just stood there
And waited for him to be done
For him to go home
I held my tears for a long time
I didn’t cry until weeks later
Because I refused to think about it
Because it was just too painful to relive it
The guilt
The disgust
The embarrassment
The Silence
Nov 2019 · 18
Time
Nola Leech Nov 2019
Twenty two minutes
An hour
Ten days
How much longer with this last
In this body
Trapped in this mind
How much longer till I break free
The negativity is breaking me down
Weighing me down
Sinking into the deeps of the ocean
Descending to the core of the earth
When I am no longer in this body
When I am somewhere
The earth doesn’t call home
I’ll know, deep in my soul
That I tried my best
That everything I’ve done
And everything that I am
Happened for a reason
When I go
Where science doesn’t back up
I’ll be okay
Because in the end I always am
Nola Leech Nov 2019
He reached into her body
And took a piece of her soul
She didn’t say anything
Because she was afraid
She wouldn’t feel whole
That news would get back to him
That he would punish her
Scream in her face
Make her life more hell than it already was
Now she has to go to trial
In front of the jury and judge
In front of her mother who knew
In front of him too
And she’s not afraid
Well she is
To see his eyes
She’s afraid that if she looks
Then she’ll never be able to forget
That he’ll haunt her dreams
More than he ever did before
But she’s ready to speak
She’s been silent her whole life
This she knows
That she has to do this
Not for her
But for every single
Little girl that has come before her
And any little girl that would come after her
Will never have to go through what she had to
She’s afraid but she’s ready
Come at me
With all you got
Nov 2019 · 25
Falling, Fine
Nola Leech Nov 2019
I’m falling
No, I’m fine
Right now
I’m up and down
Never the same
Can’t pinpoint my emotions
Flying through the air
Then the next minute
Crashing through the sea
I don’t know what’s wrong with me
It’s like a malfunction in my software
I’m a glitch and everyone around me is okay
Everything is fine
But I’m upset
Then I’m happy
No not quite happy
Not quite anything
But not numb either
I don’t know what’s wrong
Will I ever?
Nov 2019 · 11
I’m fine I promise
Nola Leech Nov 2019
I have to see him
He’ll sit at the same table as me
If my mom is there
I think I’ll ball
I have to be brave
I’m afraid I’ll cry
His eyes are so cold
And angry
And scary
I have nightmares about them
About him
And what happened
Him screaming at me
To shut up
That I’m lying
That nothing I ever do is good enough
That not even my own mother could love me enough
I have to be brave
Even though every day I want to cry
Even though i’ve been skipping meals when I’m upset
Even though everytime I think about it or speak about it
The words ***** out of my mouth
And I’m okay
I’m fine
I’m crying
I’m brave
He’s not here
He can’t hurt me
I’m fine
I’m fine
I’m okay I promise
I’m not bleeding on the inside
I’m not having flashbacks
Okay I am
Every day
Every minute
That’s all I can think about
But I’m okay
I’m fine
I promise
Nov 2019 · 14
Wicked, Twisted Love
Nola Leech Nov 2019
My mother loved all the wrong men
She always loved the ones who didn’t love her back
Didn’t care enough to call
Ones that didn’t like us
Her children
It’s wicked
Twisted
How the world could deny my mother of the love she truly desired
Love from us wasn’t enough
Every man she’s been with
Has abused her
Beat her
Cheated on her
And everything that has happened to her has happened to us
Her own children
She stood back and watched
Waited until it was over
Then climbed in bed with the men who hurt us
She’s wicked
She’s twisted
But she’s not
She always seemed like the victim in all of this
But we were the victims
And She was the accomplice
Wicked
Twisted
I know
Nov 2019 · 24
Empty
Nola Leech Nov 2019
It’s like you can hear your own heart beating
You can hear your blood pumping through your veins
And you can’t feel anything
Emotionally, physically
Nothing at all
There's nothing to be said
There's nothing you can do
Sometimes it seems so easy to be sad
But hard to perk up when you hear your name being called
The word that belongs to you, and sends knowing signals to your brain
It’s hard to respond when that name is being called to you
Because you don’t know if you’re that person anymore
You don’t recognize the girl who was called that
You hear the name but it just feels strange and numb
A name echoing into the nothingness, a name not worth remembering
She’s gone
She disappeared
And only this hollow shell of a person is left
In your body
Unfeeling
Emotionless
Empty except for this absence of feeling and emotion you once felt
Your body remembers when it once was happy
And cared about things
When you wanted to run and jump and sing to the sun
You can be happy again
You can sing to the sun again
You can remember your own name
You can be that girl again
Who responds when you call for her
You can live
That hollow emptiness will fill back up again
The pitcher in your heart will overflow
And you’ll be happy again
You’ll feel whole again
It might take a while
For the oceans to flood the gates
But know that someday
The tears will cease
You’ll find peace in yourself and what you do
And you’ll never forget
That the empty pitcher can be filled back up again
Nov 2019 · 12
Stop
Nola Leech Nov 2019
I could hear him crumpling paper behind me as I talked
Scribbling on a piece of paper furiously
His face was bright red like a tomato
And his fist were balled in anger
I have to remind myself that he can’t hurt me anymore
That he’s not watching me
That he’s not following me
I’m not scared
I’m not scared
But I am
I’m not
I’ll never be there again
I’m fine
You’re fine
Everything’s fine
So why are you crying?
Stop
Just everything
Stop
I don’t want to hear it anymore
Stop it
I’m fine
I’m perfect
I’m okay
I’m everything
I’m nothing
I really don’t know
This doesn’t mean anything
It’s just me and my thoughts
And everything I’ve ever said and done
Things that had been done
And things that have not been done
And everything in between
Sometimes It’s hard being a teen
Or just a person in general
Nola Leech Nov 2019
It’s because of you this happened
Everything is because of you
And her
My mother
Because she didn’t protect me
And because you didn’t care about me
It’s because of you that I’m always scared
And mad
Mad that this happened to me
When God knows it shouldn’t have
I have no job experience
I have no volunteer experience
Because I sat in that house neglected for entire days by myself with no means of transportation
The only volunteer experience I have was with you when you molested me
And I’m not putting that down
So thank you
Thank you for making me cry in random classes at random times of the day
Because I can’t stop thinking about what you did to me
Now I can’t finish my homework
Because I don’t know what to put down
I’m writing this so I don’t get emotional
When I shouldn’t be
Because nothing is wrong anymore
I’m not hungry anymore
I’m not by myself
And I don’t have to be scared of you anymore
But I still am
And I wish I wasn’t
I wish that I was normal
And I had a real chance to survive in this world like everyone else did
I wish that I would have taken chances
I wish that I would have told sooner
I wish that my mom would’ve cared enough to help me
But she didn’t and I didn’t and you didn’t
No one did anything
And now I’m here
In this class
Writing this
When I should be doing my homework
Angry, When I should be happy
Remembering what never should have happened
I really don’t know what to put down
Because I just don’t
And I don’t want to put your name down
Your name makes me ***** in my mouth
I hate you
I wish you would just drop over dead
But I know God doesn’t want me to do that
He wants me to pray for you
But I don’t know if I can
Because I don’t wish anything good for you
I wish you everything you have ever done to me or my family ten times over
I wish you ever word, every touch bite against skin brass knuckles bruised lips from not speaking a word
I wish you all the hell you ever did on to me
I wish you a lifetime of tears
I wish you poor body image and low self esteem
I wish you every tear I ever shed because of you
In an ocean that would drown you
But because I’m a good person
I wish you realization
Correction
I wish you not a happy time
But a time of learning
Nov 2019 · 18
Unexpected
Nola Leech Nov 2019
There’s nothing to be said
But so much I wanted to scream
Angry, punching walls
Breaking down the doors that separated her from the outside world
She was crazy
It was getting harder to breathe
Under the water, trapped in a small room getting smaller
You felt like you were going to explode
All the things you wanted to say stuck inside your brain like a melody
But only nonsense spilled out onto the carpeted floor
He’s angry
But you didn’t say anything
He screams at you to speak
But your eyes are glued to the floor
And your lips stuck shut
You’re shaking
But he can’t see that
He’s staring at the reflection of himself in your eyes
But for some reason he can’t see how terrifying and unreasonabele he is
She can see everything around her start to move
Shaky, dizzy
Suddenly she’s on the ground
The sky spinning above her
She’s never felt like this before
So out of control
Crazy
You can hear the voices of people
But you don’t see anything
You look around
But it is only you
Like it always was
Breath in shallow gasps
I turn around
He’s gone
Nov 2019 · 26
Stupid
Nola Leech Nov 2019
I feel so useless
I feel so
So
I don’t know
Stupid
Dumb
Worthless
If I can’t do this
I can’t do anything
It’s easy to hate yourself
So I’ll try not to
Just like I thought I was trying today
I hate everyhting
But I also don’t
I just hate right now
The spaces between right now
Before and after
I hate the silence after something you just said
And you didn’t think anything of it
But then you relize that you messed up
And you can’t take it back
Now everyone is going to remember it
Think judgement on you
But everythings fine
It’s fine
You’re fine
But if you’re not fine
That’s fine too
You’re not stupid
It just feels that way

— The End —