Pain is alive
And it’s eating you up
Struggling to survive

Strolling in the dark
My heart bleeding
lungs hurt
Eyes seeping
Ears red
Off my tears he fed
The wind is cold
Thinking to myself
Secrets untold
Chains around my body
Covered in rust and mould
Unloved just lust
Key to my heart and mind
Smothered in dust.
Want to end the game of life
And start the sequel of death.

Ferry
No adults to be seen
Toilets perfect
Balloon boy seemed keen
Gentleman moustache
Lost little mouse
You have cake on you darling
Kissing my sweet mouth.

She told me she's falling in love
but i only see her falling

                                  
She whispered in my ear,

                                           "I'll hang off the rope
                                                          he made for me."
  

He told me,

       "She holds onto the chain
                        around my ankle."


In their dreams they exchanged,

               "To you, i'm the artery,
                                 that pumps blood
                                            through your heart."

Ease the suffering
Just hold my hand
But you’ve already left
And I understand
Why you chose to love another
Luck was never on my side
When will it end
From loneliness I hide

No one will ever care like I do
I’ve given up.
No one will ever care like I did
You can’t hurt me now.

Scream
Scream
Mouth so wide
The corners of my mouth
Begin to tear
Fingers tangled in my hair
pulling, no care
Hitting my head
off my tears it fed
i wish I was asleep instead.

Frostbitten fingertips,
Buttoning up my coat,
Echoing footsteps through the hollow bus station.
Grey clouds spitting rain,
Distant fog.
Hearing sniffles from people walking by.
Subtle coughs
Overgrown alleyways
Gloomy Sundays.

Fill my bag with rocks
Jump off the docks,
By the River bank
My thoughts stayed floating
My body sank
Corroding with time
To god, suicide is a crime
So I’m staying here at the bottom of the river
Food for the fish
Feeding off my flesh
Moulding into grime
My only wish.
It’s all I’ll be good for.

Pinky promises mean nothing all of a sudden
Oh what a foolish girl I am
For caring for the health of others
If you don’t hurt yourself I won’t hurt myself, I lived by it.
But you don’t care
So neither do I.
Goodbye.
I always hated the vulnerable side of myself
I know you so well yet you’re a stranger to me.
I’ll never go back to my own ways
Because I’m better than that
No more scars
I’d never hurt my younger self if she was to stand in front of me
So I won’t do it now.
Would you?
You wouldn’t.
So don’t.
But who am I to care anymore about you.

Sedentary on the bench in the back garden
for the final hours of the day
the time in the evening when the sun disappears
and daylight fades away
still, looking out into the stark horizon
watching the colours change in the sky
from blue to red and cloudy
just like my eyes.

so silent, deep in thought
the beating of my heart
in sync with my tears as they fall from my cheek,
that turn into razor blades that fall upon my skin
in every drop lies a story
I find the bench starting to float
as the garden is flooded from the tears I shed,
by how much I bled,
the garden turned from green to red.

I look in the mirror
Times standing still
I notice my eyes, with tears start to fill.

One finger tapping on the counter
I’m biting on my cheek
Suddenly I feel my knees, starting to go weak.

Im breathing in strange patterns
My nostrils flaring
I snap out, and realise that I’m still staring,
Into the eyes of who I wish was never born
Thinking about if I were to leave
Who would be the first to mourn.

I didn’t know I was capable of feeling so numb
But is it a feeling, If I feel nothing
When I say I feel okay
I’m most likely bluffing,

My blood I feel rushing
Filling up my cheeks
I’m ashamed of myself
I haven’t left the house in weeks.

Get a grip
People have it worse
I rather be in their shoes
Than my brain be smothered in this curse.



You say I’m over exaggerating
I say you don’t know me
All I ever wanted was to just feel ******* free.

It’s raining
The air is damp
I’m waiting for you underneath the lamp
You should see me in a black raincoat
soaking wet hair
Looking down at scattered puddles everywhere
But you didn’t see
Because you didn’t show up
You’re at home drinking hot tea from my cup

It’s not your fault for not being there
It’s mine for thinking you would be

You felt like home
But home to me
Was staying up all night
Fighting
      Arguing
            Crying

You felt like home because you hurt me.
You sometimes made me feel safe,
Loved, cared for.
But I knew,
It always comes with a price.

How long did I love you out of habit
I am the knife and the wound,
As I am the fire and the fuel.

Sunflowers weltering,
Not throwing them away,
Savouring petals
resembling breaking relationships,
But not letting go.

I’m a hostage to the abyss
Of torrent seas
I can’t find my feet
I can’t touch the ground
I’m struggling to breathe
Give me your hand
Or look me in the eye
Save me from this,
Ignite my fire.
You’ll hear the chime my eyes glow hollow
The black waves shallowing
The ink from your tail I’ll follow.

From a living story
Into bones in the ground
A pile of ashes
That don’t make a sound
Your life crashes
Before you know
Your grave is covered by the snow
100 years pass
Your names eroded
Fragile like glass
Covered in grass
You’ll never quite know which word is your last.

I'd like to love again
but you don't understand me
nobody does
but that's okay
i don't expect you to
i'm not mad
perhaps very sad
but only at myself

my love is odd
love is legacy.

People appreciate you until they don’t get their way
No matter what you do right
A constant fight
I’m living for my self love now
not yours.

bricks on my chest as I sleep
I’m not fond of you but I keep,
Caring about what you say
You aren’t me at the end of the day
I’ll be the girl with the broken neck
Standing in your corridor
At the end of your bed
In your head
Stop stop stop
Be real
Listen to her weep
Maybe you then will realise
But probably not

Alone in my room
You left me

You’re with her
I’m nobody

Sinking in the abyss
Where are you

Now you’re knocking on my door
Where is she

You’re still knocking
It’s too late

I Drowned in my blood & tears
Where were you

Pathetic romantic
That is me
I want something out of reach
All I’m getting is short & sweet
But it always ends sour.

It’s ******* boring.

I’m sorry if I hurt you
but it works both ways
We have to move on
Carry on with our days
Life isn’t simple
Until you look out into the waves

Being forced through thousands of locked doors
splinters piercing my body
leading to a floating platform
where I look into the sky but see no stars
but everybody else can
they get to see the beauty of the night sky
whereas to me its a blindfold over my vision
look into my eye,
only an abyss of pain.
I step off the platform
to feel something
anything
but I just keep falling,
the gravity shifts
and i'm falling through the doors once again.

hoping that every time I enter back into the world
I can catch a glimpse of a star.
that was taken away from me
a long time ago.

We were listening to the same songs
I was thinking about you
And you were thinking about her
I’m over you
I know my worth
I deserve more
I’m moving forth
That wasn’t love
That was pain
You’re ******* vain
You’ll never touch my skin again

You’re Heartless
I’m happy to say I really don’t need you at all.

Devil linger in my skin
Crawl up my spine
Your fingers down my throat
Your hand gripping my thigh
You’re so far but feel so close
You’re a fly I can’t get rid of
I’m wrapped in thorns
But you chose to cut the flowers
You made me feel ugly
Waiting outside for hours
I’m wrapped in barbed wire
But you chose to cut my wings.

Better to have loved and lost,
Than never to have loved at all.

Plagued by nightmares
But I can’t give up now
Not now.

I wish I was good enough for you
I wish you wanted me like I want you
I’d do anything for you & I don’t know why but it’s destroying me from the inside.
you don’t know how I could be, I could make you so happy. But do you even want that.
I want to be the most beautiful girl in the world
Cause maybe then.

My mind is full of beatific light
glowing,
branches and vines untangle
revealing the path of which i've struggled to get through
i'll follow the wisp
in a shape of a bowling pin
so happy and altruistic.

Devil linger in my skin
Crawl up my spine
Your fingers down my throat
Your hand gripping my thigh
You’re so far but feel so close
You’re a fly I can’t get rid of
I’m wrapped in thorns
But you chose to cut the flowers
You made me feel ugly
I’m wrapped in barbed wire
But you chose to cut my wings.

I keep replaying the same moment in my mind
Your hand stroking my hair
I never felt so much comfort and happiness
And I’m losing you
And I keep, replaying the same moment.
And collapsing, and breaking down,
Nauseous. Because I won’t feel it again.

Lost your point
Lost your dignity
and my trust
Time to build the dam again
It’ll take time
But I’ll be happier
I’m my own world

Will you call me to tell me you’re alright
I’ll worry about you the whole night
Don’t repeat my mistakes
I won’t sleep till your safe inside
If your home I just hope that you’re sober
Is it time to let go now it’s over
I couldn’t leave you this way
I won’t sleep til you’re safe inside

Worrying mannerisms
As she sits in her chair
Talking to herself
Unable to look in the mirror
As she is afraid she’ll maul her own skin off it’s flesh
She just wants to be happy
Feel normal and laugh
But she struggles to express
Even love.
it makes her cry
The wall just won’t budge

A year ago today I tried to take my life
Placed rocks on my body
To stop me from floating
Looking up to the surface hoping
I’ll go quick
But each second felt like a minute.
Sunk, fearless.
Listening to the pipes
Underwater I thought I’d hear less
But my thoughts were louder than ever.
They blocked out the sounds of my brother crying to my dad over a broken toy
I couldn’t do this to them,
They need me more than I need myself.  
I guess I’ll live another day.
But my thoughts are so loud.
Static.

if you dance i'll dance,
and if you don't, i'll dance anyway

give peace a chance
let the fear you have fall away

like a barge at sea, in the storm you stay clear.

I've got my eye on you
I've got my mind on you
I'll put my red dress on again.

They’re Immature over feelings and words
I’ll never be taken seriously
You could cut the tongue off a crow
And stick it down my throat
No one would take me seriously
NO ONE WIL LISTEN NO ONE WILL LISTEN
But that’s your choice
If you never learn you won’t get far In life so for your sake I hope you will.
Cut my tongue stuck it down my throat

I’m staring into his eyes
Wishing they were yours
It makes me want to cry
Cause it never will be
You’re so special and I hate it
I hate you so much
And I wish you would let me go
Because I just can’t leave
I can’t bear this
Sleepless nights and never emptying plates
It’s what you and your eyes do to me.

First I freeze
Raging inside
Anger building
Gory wrists
Ill to the eye
Lost soul
Even you can’t save her

I was happy 7:00
9:00 A gush of death swept over me
I couldn’t move
I couldn’t speak
I couldn’t lift a finger
I cried till I passed out
I begged my mum
Not to leave my side
“Somethings not right”
I felt like I was dying
In and out of consciousness
***** on my face
Fear and panic are trying to **** me
The stress nearly killed me
My heart was rapid
I wish I didn’t feel things so strongly
Why do I think so much
I’m so weak my mind is so strong
I was given another chance
The morning never felt so long

You didn’t have to take the pills
You don’t have to take the scan
You didn’t have to *****
You didn’t have to be in pain
You didn’t have to be scared
You didn’t have to feel the ******* that traumatises you for weeks with no end
You didn’t have to live with my ***** body
Don’t dare say it was your stress
Because you have nothing else

Having to get rid of something you wanted to be your first
I have to live with that
My love goes to anyone who’s gone through the same
You’ll be stronger than ever
I don’t even know your name
But I know it feels like you’ll never be the same
Hold my hand
The demons will go back, from where they came

I made food
But I didn’t eat it
Waiting for it to pop out the toaster
Seemed like a lifetime
As I swayed in fatigue
Losing my feet
I hop into bed
Melt into the mattress
As nice as it seems
It’s exhausting

I don’t want to die
But it’s killing me from the inside
Adding deeper darkness to a night already lacking of stars
My tortured soul causes my body all kinds of sickness
Comfort over passion
My mind won’t stop replaying
The night I lost my dignity
The night I started losing

short fitted slit dress
numb red cheeks
night sky
twitching lights
standing on the edge
of the bricked bridge
arms wide
wind in her hair
biggest smile
tears in her eyes
I LOVE YOU ALL
as cars cross under,
blinding headlights
glints from the mirrors
SONDER!
i love you all!

Find someone else
To gaslight into insanity
I have no vitality
Left inside me
Lost myself entirely
As long as I have my family by my side
I’ll find myself
In them I’ll confide

He flapped his gums
Spewing sore words
That came not from the heart
But the depths of delusion
We were not kindred souls
I don’t believe you could understand
But our tongues forbid to belong twisted.