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487 · Dec 2019
Candles
Noah Smith Dec 2019
.................................................................­.............................................

/\
)  (
(  ^  )
)  ,) \
(   () , )
'|'
"""""""""
|           |
I am a  |
|flame  |
|           |
|           |
|           |
I am a   |
|light.   |
|            |
|            |
|            |
|   ­         |
|______|
............................­.................................................................­.................

.
)
((  
)\
( , )
'|'
(   """"
  )
)/ (/  ( \ |
()   ) () ||
|     ()   ||
|           ||
 I am a  ()
|candle,|
|Still     |
|shining|
|bright. |
|______|
......................................­.................................................................­.......
   
I was a fire
but I burned too hot,
.   (
)   .
((.   )
) ((
.(   ))
  ((  
  )     I   ,   
| _,,,,--  ,\
    | "();{}"|}()|
     [(;),    ,"{}//]/\
         (//{.:..}}.
     ]\)):'  
You are still breathing,
while I cannot.

........................................................­......................................................
© Dysphoria, 2019
Time is precious.
348 · Dec 2019
God Cries
Noah Smith Dec 2019
Rain falling,
God's tears: Consequence.
Mind failing,
Atoning fears: Recompense.

Clouds part,
Dried eyes: Forgiveness.
Mended heart,
I rise: Confidence.
© Dysphoria, 2019
Noah Smith Nov 2019
A small child toddles across the sands of an infinite, nocturnal beach.
            His eyes glisten like the moon as he admires the wonders of his world.
Everything so simple—good—pure.
                        His mind, the inner being, reflects his outlook; all is in reach.
            The child’s heart is young, filled to its brim with Gold untarnishable.
For the sickness, innocence is the cure.

He was content, and life was complete for him.
But as he walked on the sand, and spied those who were ahead,
He wanted…
And his heart of gold began to drip.

                        A youth, only just a man, ambles across the beach’s grainy powders.
            His demeanor is confident, his face fresh, yet his eye sparkle lacks.
He keeps on, and the world, his friend, offers him promise limitless.
                        His mind is vibrant, seemingly invincible, he never shirks nor cowers.
            His heart still pumps Gold through his veins.
For the sickness, youth is the resistance.

As he continues his walk, step by step,
His ambition grows.
He feels utterly untouchable by any evils around him.
Becoming the God of his own world.
He yet still wanted.
Shaken, the young man begins to cough up the Gold.
And his heart began to bleed.
For the sickness, youth is the fuel.

Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
His inner man watches as the polished yellow liquid seeps
Into the barren wasteland that is his mind’s.
Deep into the dirt it creeps.
The sickness, once harmless, now binds.

With each compromise, the man’s moral skeleton cracks.
Step by step, his integrity weakens until,
With the nauseating snap of bone,
It breaks. Like a soundless scream,
Reverberating undetected in the recesses of his mind.

He no longer wants as he did before.
Regret slowly takes its place.
Shame, like an old friend, wraps the inner man in an embrace.
He offers a solution.
Vice, he promises, will fix all in time.
The man, desperate and lost, took it,
Failing to notice the chain Shame silently placed around his neck.

                        An old man, wrinkled and bent, stumbles across the beach sand.
            He is cautious, almost fearful—his eyes are dim, and his brow is heavy.
The waves rise, his body to take, he staggers and falls, unable to go further.
                        His inner man also cries ceaselessly, too weak to stand.
            His heart, now empty, aches.
To the sickness, he gives in without a murmur.

His inner man falls silent, the tears, like ghosts of his emotions,
Float silently down his face.
Frantically he sinks to his knees and begins to dig at the dirt,
Searching for a single remaining drop of Gold.
But none is to be found.

Shame stands smiling grimly as
The sickness overpowers,
And the inner man falls into the dust,
Lucid eyes staring searchingly at the empty hole,
His tears form streams as they flow into it.

He stares,
As from the hole,
A seedling flairs,
With leaves of Gold.

A hand, too warm, too soft to be Shame’s,
Falls on his arm.
The tears vanish from his face,
And a majestic warmth fills his body.
Regret gives way to content once again.

                        The old man on the beach rises slowly to his feet.
            He stands straight, as the wrinkles retreat into his skin, and his eyes fill with light.
His countenance becomes regal as youth returns to his step.
                        His mind renewed, he sees with a wonder that he will keep.
            He runs, seeing the end of the beach in his sight.
His heart refills, as the seedling matures, and he remembers, with a solemn thankfulness, of the man he left.

As he finishes the race.
© Dysphoria, 2018
264 · Jan 2020
{𐍂𐌄𐌃}
Noah Smith Jan 2020
Feel it slither
down the steps of your spine,
like a dark poison
gliding.

Fingers twitch
all that slowed, the click of time,
with each second
sliding.

Vision dims
Turn a blind eye burning,
forked tongue heaving
slander.

Asmodeus grins.
From the deep: crimson churning.
A familiar presence,
anger.


.ᴮ.ᵘ.ᵗ. .ᵃ.ᶰ.ᵍ.ᵉ.ʳ. .ⁱ.ˢ. .ʷ.ᵉ.ᵃ.ᵏ.

Day by day it sits,                                                     
fermenting in the dark.                                             
power and control it knits                                       
waiting for a spark.                                                  

                           Anger it was when it was a babe,
                                          Fury its unfortunate kin.
                              In the recess of the mind it laid,
                              never forgetting the original sin.

As cool and calculated as a fiend.
Its tendrils 'round your heart now bind.
Older now, it has been weaned,
from the driveling of your mind.

Icy whispers... guiding your fists.
A power older... than the age.
His bitterness... raw feelings... persists.
An old friend... frozen anger: Rage.

Your heart the field of war,
the blood of other emotions shed.
The mind Rage's *****,
.ᴺ.ᵒ.ʷ. .ᵃ.ˡ.ˡ. .ᴵ. .ˢ.ᵉ.ᵉ. .ⁱ.ˢ. .ᴿ.ᴱ.ᴰ.
©Dysphoria, 2020
259 · Nov 2019
Of Ghosts
Noah Smith Nov 2019
Have you ever seen a ghost?…

When I look out of my apartment’s 2nd story window at the street below, I see them.  I see them when I look into the dim eyes of a hooded youth walking  by, hands in pockets. I see them in a woman, shoulders slumped as she sweeps the front steps of her shop. And as the sun sets on another day, I see them… I see them in the souls that shuffle into the bar just down the street and in the tired, weathered faces of some of my fellow tenants as they return to their homes, another week of their lives wrung out of them.

I once pondered these things one early morning as I sat on my balcony, coffee in hand, and listen to the silence of a sleeping city in the twilight of a young November day. As I observe people going about their routines, certain ones stand out to me… I can see the ghosts in them. When I look into certain people’s eyes the dark reflection of their presence reaches into me, hungrily calculating the imperceptible. You see, souls, like panes of glass, are fragile impressions into a reality. In order to preserve these self serving realities, humans shrivel into pathetic shells of the essence they used to be. They put on a mask.

And that is when they come.

Like a breath of stale wind they fall into you, clawing at one’s heart and wrapping the mind in a numbing layer of torpidity. Their roots creep silently down one’s spine, intertwining with bone and sinew. They feast ceaselessly attempting to satiate their appetites on the droplets of resolve, of hope, of meaning that is left in a person’s life. The eyes… they are the tell-tale. I stare into the hallowed holes behind the eyes, behind the mask, and I know… I see them hovering there.

I write these things now from my bathroom. The orange glint of an empty pill bottle to my left, on the right, the shimmering of many thin, red rivulets streaming off my arm onto the tile below. As I stare into the mirror I reach up and touch the cool, white shape I see there, peering into the the two black abysses staring back at me. I watch as a single tear slips out from under the porcelain and glides effortlessly down my throat as the corners of my vision begin to blacken and my knees give way to weakness.

And I ask you again… have you ever seen a ghost?
© Dysphoria, 2019
If anyone you know is already wearing a mask, I hope you care enough to help them take it off.
227 · Nov 2019
Still Human
Noah Smith Nov 2019
All I want is a chance to prove to anyone, I’m worth it.
Still broken…

Dark nights; ghosts dance, mind screams: HYPOCRITE.
Still Broken…

My sins before me flayed, staring into the fire.
STILL BROKEN.

My angels demons betrayed, alone I face their ire.
STILL BROKEN.

Teary eyes raised, solution searching.
STILL BROKEN.

Corruptions blazed, damnation lurking.
still broke…




still human




But that’s ok.
© Dysphoria, 2019
217 · Apr 2020
The War for my Soul
Noah Smith Apr 2020
Like the deep, slow, hum of many voices, I hear it.
Softly crying in the darkness I have encased it in.
A sliver of my true soul, I cannot help but fear it,
It whispers to me a ballad sweet, on my forehead written…
“This was never the real you, your decay is not complete.”

For you, the one who cares, I have a confession.
I, a man of fear and sorrow, my heart drips black.
My sight bleeds gray, as I witness my reflection.
A gaunt sentinel of hopelessness, it stares back…
Smiling all the time.

Underneath the grim and slimy casing, my heart beats a song.
One slow note in rhythm, its message is clear.
To my knees I slide in the silence, no longer strong.
Exhaustion, chills ripple through the atmosphere…
As I fall through the floor, into another world.

My angel before me stands, his glowing saber drawn.
His radiant figure defending against the shadow,
Against the black animal that prowls beyond,
Its milky eyes fixated on where it wants to go…
Staring deep into my chest, at the cage it used to call home.

The shady hellcat lunges, as I sit staring.
My defender parries mightily, but in vain.
The lion turns to face me, ****** fangs barring.
As the sword fades next to the slain…
As my vision recedes to black.

Lucid again, I sit introspectively in the dim space.
My Father beside me sits, laying a hand on my knee.
“I showed you this for a reason, do not lose face.
You alone can choose, my child, and so hear my plea:
Your actions have consequences in this war for your soul.
Please weigh your actions carefully, salvation is the goal."
©Dysphoria, 2020
192 · Jan 2020
Parasitic Skeletons
Noah Smith Jan 2020
I found it one night,
Sitting alone, across the room.
I saw it... and I felt.
A skeleton among the living?
Surely no.
But there it was.
Shoulders slumped,
the ale it sipped dripping,
sliding down cracked, brittle, white.
Lidless, eyeless,
sightless seeing.
Staring beyond me.
Decay satisfied long ago,
and yet the stench still tugged
at the air.

That night I felt nothing
as I silently dragged it to my car,
and I took it home.

I felt nothing as we both
coughed down,
one. last. drink.

I felt nothing as it followed
me inside...
As it undressed me.

But the next morning I felt something...

A writhing,
a burning,
a stinging

My mind screams in pain and confusion,
as a piece of my skin simply floats away,
and knits itself to the skeleton.

The following month drifts by breathlessly,
yet I felt like a leaf blown by it.
Hazily I remember now.
Her.

The skeleton and I
sharing the precious moments
of my last month
as a human being.

Every week highlighted by the color of emotion:
A vibrant orange for Joy.
The brazen, ******, red of Anger boiling.

And every time these sensual droplets
began to froth up from my skin,
no sooner had I felt them before the feeling
vanished... never to be felt again.
And another piece of myself was ripped from me,
stolen by Her.

Last among them.
The frail blue of hope.
And the bruised purple of my sadness,
the last coarse tears ripped from my eyes,
and my last objection coughed from my lungs.  





That was a year ago.





Step by Step
she drags me along behind her.
And I-
I stumble helplessly.
mindlessly.
The ground feels strange on my feet.
Bone on cement.
The clattering of each step
rattles thru my hollow head.

I don't wanna think anymore.
I can't think anymore.
When I think, I end up... feeling.

Too many emotions.
Too many senses.
Too many...
Too many...






Bone can't feel anything.








I'm just a skeleton in her closet now.
I know we've all met a skeleton of our own.
© Dysphoria, 2020
181 · May 2020
True Colors
Noah Smith May 2020
I once pledged allegiance,
When our kings gave us heedence...

To the flag of the United States of America.
In what we had, our states united.

And to the republic, for which it stood,
In all that's benevolent and good.

"ONE NATION UNDER GOD"
The words on credit and dime.
ONE NATION NOW ON HIM TROD,
His people criminals, His book a crime.

The greatest economy crippled by fear.
Readers, I pray, please hear my call,
Rid the future of the blear.
Liberty and Justice for all!
©Dysphoria, 2020.
Yes, heedence isn't a word... but you know what it means.

— The End —