Turmoil
inside me
threatens
to tear
me apart.

I am
giving in.

I listen to pink floyd when I’m happy
Trust me, you don’t want to know what I listen to when I’m sad

I talk to all my friends when I’m happy
But it’s only my demons that keep me company when I’m sad

I take pictures of my life when I’m happy
And I delete them all when I’m sad

My heart skips a beat when I’m happy
But It makes sure to catch up when I’m sad

My mind bursts with dreams when I’m happy
Replacing them all with nightmares when I’m sad

I feel all the love in the world when I’m happy
Oh why can’t I see it when I’m sad

You see, I write poems only when I’m sad
Because I’m way too busy dancing when I’m not

Clouds roll in
Dark and scary
Threaten to push me under
Ask them to come join me

How can I see
the light at the end of the tunnel
when I’m buried inside?

Black and withered
Condemned to hell
Nothing to care for
Nobody to live for

Lost beyond redemption
Charred beyond recognition
Pile of broken bones
Leaving behind a trail of discarded hopes

Soulless spirit
Wandering the earth
Darkness the only friend
Death the only end

Heart racing
Limbs shaking
Ears throbbing
Stomach revolting
How do I just calm down
And stop thinking of it
When all I can think is what if

I can’t breathe
I can’t stay at ease
I can’t just let things go
Because anxiety won’t let go of me

I stop talking to everyone
I stop going out
Maybe it’ll make me feel better
But anxiety is getting the better of me

I’m losing control
Why can’t you see it
Maybe it’s just in my head
But why does that make it unreal

I am but just a slave to my anxiety
And I just can’t get free.

I know I told I didn’t want to go out
But the truth is I could not
I want to scream at the top of my voice
The knot in my throat doesn’t give me that choice
My heart beats a million miles a minute
It’s almost funny that I worry it will suddenly not
They say all I need to do is ******* breathe
I’m already doing that, more than I should
It is said that it’s always good to be prepared
Trust me, there’s not a single what if I’ve missed
The sound of a raised voice leaves me spiralling
Unfortunately that voice is always in my head
I have completely withdrawn from the world
Everyday in my bed I lay curled
It seems to have made a home in me
This thing, that no one can see
It continues to tear me apart bit my bit
And I just let it, without even putting up a fight
Just give me the magic pill
To make it go away
Before I get too comfortable
Being this way

My mom worried about me
She wanted me to join a club
Make some friends
Relax and have some fun

Look ma, I finally joined one
It convenes at 3 AM
Every single day

All my friends are here-
Anxiety depression and trauma
Having a party in my head

I never posted any of my poems
thought people would worry
I went ahead and posted one today
Turns out no one cared anyway

Someday, maybe just someday
I will no longer be sad
I hope it will be in this life
And not in my next

My heart, it bled
in unknown colors
Always did overflow
for both friend and foe

I no longer wear it on my sleeve
It is hidden where it can’t be seen
Buried so deep
I no longer feel its presence
Except for when tears stream down my face

Relate (v) :To make connection
I don’t relate anymore
My oldest girl friends
Are Having kids and building family
But All I really want to do
Is just get through the day
I joined a discord server
A safe space for women to talk
But I can’t get myself
To tell them how not okay I am
Everyone in this world
Seem to be on a different frequency
Try hard as I might
I just can’t get it right
It sometimes felt like I almost did
But then they went and changed it instead.

I like being sad
For it is the only emotion I feel
It engulfs me in its arms
Making me feel safe and protected

Sadness means not having to be scared
About things going bad
Because I know they will
And knowing makes me feel brave

Sadness helps me churn out poems
Inspires me to make some art
It’s what I take comfort in
For it never really leaves me alone

It’s 12 am
The struggle is just beginning
I toss and turn
If I can locate the right spot
Maybe I’ll finally fall asleep

It’s 1 am
Music pours into my ears
I try to get swept away
If I can find the right lullaby
Maybe I’ll finally fall asleep

It’s 2 am
Thoughts race in my head
Going over every mistake
If I can think of the perfect scenario
Maybe I’ll finally fall asleep

It’s 3 am
A sitcom plays in the background
I listen to the fake laughter
If I come across something comforting
Maybe I’ll finally fall asleep

It’s 8 am
I don’t know know what time I slept
But I know it is the time
To get up and go to work
And pretend everything’s okay.

I don’t remember anymore
How it feels to not be this way
Maybe this is how I’ve always been
Maybe this is how I’ll always be.

Two weeks of hellish side effects
One week of euphoria
Back to the lows now
Feels like back to square one
What even is the point?

I wander through the mall alone
Listening to pink floyd on my phone
I go to a café to have some beer
Seeing me alone they all sneer
I take a selfie in a pretty mirror
Such a sad life, I hear them whisper
I try on some clothes unaware
That I never usually go anywhere
But there’s something about today
For the first time I don’t feel dismay
I don’t have anxiety about being out
No, not even a tiny amount!!
I’m happy and I don’t feel lonely
Even though it’s just for a day only.