Maybe,
you’re still visible.
When you smile, just wide enough, bright, and --
your eyes glaze over, just a little. ever-present, the red-rimmed edges.
Your posture is good form. Back straight, shoulders pulled, and -- rigid.
too rigid. so when was the last time you let down your guard?
You seem perfect, darling - you seem fine.
except the moments that you freeze, stuck still, can’t move,
when no one’s looking.
Because the people who would have noticed you --
who would have seen you,
Did see you,
falling apart at the seems,
hands shaking and gulping unsteady breaths,
head spinning when the world wasn’t
desperately alone and wanting not to be --
Are gone. Again.
There’s no one there.
Months ago, almost a year now, they found you.
{Your soon to be, family, of 9 friends.}
Not impressive in the least,
almost completely faded into the wallpaper,
utterly breakable, utterly close to broken,
utterly alone.
And they gave you
hands,
stories,
lifelines,
and hugs.
Resumed you back, to a more bearable way of living.
And you were so, so, desperate -- so you
stayed, against your better judgement --
you watched, and you learned.
How to hide things, your secrets.
How to lie, and do it brilliantly -- always only to protect.
How to fake being fine:
trying to hide tear tracks? -
rub your eyes with cold water, just say you’re tired
(it’s always true)
make other people believe you? -
lie by omission, and avoid the word fine
(use synonyms)
panic attacks? -
learn your signs, nearest places no one will go, and when
(and walk, then run)
who to trust? -
the ones who stick close. the ones too much like you.
(the ones who see you, always, visible or not.)
but also:
How to let other people orbit around you, and not just orbit them.
How to throw caution to the wind and say, I love you, permanent or not.
How nothing lasts (but you knew that), but
sometimes, somethings, are still worth it.
And how to breathe again, a little bit more easily,
bit more like you used to be able to.
It falls apart spectacularly (the kindest way imaginable), with
goodbyes,
i love yous,
i’ll miss yous,
stay in touch,
a plethora of hugs (you used to flinch away from).
And being alone is so hard -- however did you stand it?
there’s a gaping ache, of loneliness,
longing,
of missing, in your chest, you can’t quite identify --
you just want a hug,
someone’s arms around your shoulders just to
ground you,
Just a laugh, or a smile; a friendly face,
just someone, just anyone --
your closest lifeline lives sixthousandsevenhundredandeighty
kilometers away.
it’s one of your further away friends, who tells you,
If you feel homesick, you know, that makes sense
Like it’s the most natural thing in the world
It makes the air around you go still,
makes your breath pause.
you thought home was a place.
and if home was a place, well,
you’d never have one.
so however did you end up
with nine, whole, pieces of it?
with something like a family,
even if you can’t say it aloud?
So that’s why
There’s a constant, thin, circle of red, around your eyes,
Why you’ve once again forgotten how to trust,
Why you’ll stare off into the distance, just for a beat,
your stream of conscious
I miss you I miss you I love you I miss you
brought back up to the surface.
But it’s also:
Staying inside when it rains, and pours,
not going out and getting drenched
because you want a tangible reason to feel miserable;
Actively trying to sleep, at halfway decent hours,
because maybe, you can.
because you might be an insomniac, but
you never tried to stop it;
And eating, whole, actual, proper, meals,
no longer skipping, because it may taste like nothing
but there’s no longer the nausea.
A few steps in the right direction, perhaps.
You have so many self-destructive tendencies; habits, now,
and no one but you to stop them.
and it would be so much easier, to not.
to let them all devour you, because
you’re not all that terrified of them
and you should be.
So instead, you’re trying. Your damndest.
Because your friends taught you,
how to piece yourself back together,
and to try to keep living.
and you owe them enough, to do your utmost,
to keep yourself as intact as you possibly can.
You aren’t great, and
You aren’t fine,
despite a passable impression.
You’re alright,
Because, you’re trying,
I miss you, I love you, I miss you, I miss you
And, slowly, you’re getting there,
Maybe, someday, you can make yourself visible again.
Homesick, or not.
you’re alright.
You’re alright.
I never knew you could miss someone so much, that you'd do just about anything to see them again.