I saw my first lesbians when I was 6.
She was short with spiky hair,
She was tall with curly hair.
They held each other tenderly,
Floating blissfully in the swimming pool,
Absorbed in each other and unaware of

The shaking head of my father
And his outstretched arm
As he shielded his children from the happy couple.

When I was little, I held weddings for my Barbie dolls
And I couldn’t understand why my parents made me stop.
It wasn’t until they bought me a shiny new Ken doll
That the weddings could start again.

A few months ago
Mum discovered her friends were lesbians
And I beheld in her eyes the mixture of wonder and disgust.
Wild-eyed recounts of intrusions on quiet embraces
And the fear of the unknown heavy in every word.

How disappointed they would be now!
To know that I dream of my head between a woman’s thighs.
That I remember with fondness
The feminine lips that have pressed against mine.

I am what you fear.
The hell-bound filthy sinner
Bent on destruction and lust.
Sneaking into your society, poisoning your children.
I am the monster you hate, the wretch you pity.

But maybe you would understand
If you saw how sweet this ******* is.
If you knew how it feels
To see sweet contentment and bliss
In the arms of a woman.

alone
i test the word out in my mind
it tastes numb
and empty
while at the same time,
inviting pain to dance in my skull

alone
it should be painless
just void
a lack

so why does it press me from every direction
squeezing out the air
trapping me

i am in a circus
funhouse mirrors all around me
showing reflections of just one person
scared
tears dripping down her delicate nose
reflecting me back on myself
making me more lonely than before

you are my muse
but i cannot make music

you are my inspiration
but my ideas are gone

when i write for you
the words turn sour

i cannot sing for you
the notes go flat

i love you
but we do not fit together

we are puzzle pieces
that belong
in different puzzles

we do not fit

i do not fit

i found myself,

waking like walking like talking and looking at morning like noon and like evening, and i think like i thought, like i think i will think-- through days like a dozen, or hundred, or nothing.

i wish like a wish never made upon,

want like a want and i don't really need,

do like i did and i will
and i will
and i will

and i guess (like i guessed)

"that will do"

so i walked like i walked

and never found myself
again

you’re growing
inside me
like a ****
you thought was a flower as a child
before the days your mother threw the dandelion bouquet you made her into the yard waste pile.
it was a definitive part of growing up she’d say.
im smiling but my feet are bare and the floor im walking on is needles
needless to say
i already know you’re darling
in every way
we’ve been communicating these last nine months through a layer of flesh
like we’re pen pals
you know my skin and bones like family
and I know your kicks and punches
like it’s yesterdays news.

i can’t tell you this but i am fearful

fearful of who i will become
what i have to offer
fearful of
the control of my life, the constant day to day swing of things i know I must leave in the rear view mirror

only for once
i don’t care
for once  

i
am
an
autumn leaf
t
u
m
  b
l
    i
n
   g

down to uncertainty
only instead of fighting it
i surrender.

You are not your mother
marriages dont always end in broke glasses and yelling
You are not your father
children don't always hold you back and ruin your life
You are not your brother
love isn't always a game that tears you apart
You are not your best friend
people can be kind and good in nature; in fact, they mostly are.
You are not anyone else except yourself
and you only
decides how your world will be like.
Evils can be found everywhere, but so can kindness.

This feeling.

Weights in my stomach

Holding me down

My tongue has been cut

Ceasing the words

I want to say.

There’s nothing that’ll make me speak.

I’m

The

Only

One

Stuck knowing

The words you’ll never hear.