I cling to the idea of you
And slowly break knowing you are not real.

How can one even begin to describe such a thought
How can one be deprived of such a thing
It was just a fantasy of mine,
I drool over it before I try to numb my mind, or to lay asleep with one such fantasy and wake shattered
Oh my love if only you were true
Oh my poor silly heart that longs for you
And all I have ever written, was always secretly about you
Oh such a feeling to feel,
To struggle and constantly remind oneself
the one thing you dream of, is a creation of your own suffering mind
As one who might not ever be in love
The thought of it devours me

It seemed reckless and harsh
The way I led you on
The way I told you I care for you freely
But it was never that
I was in shackles and I never let myself slip
Oh imagine what we could’ve been
You were a dream come true
You were what I wish I could be
Passionate and poetic in every sense
Oh the way you cared for me
And the way I never felt I could be anyone but me
But I held on to the whisper of my past
What if this was an obsession like any other love I’ve had
What if you lost interest in me
and left me be the shell of a person who had hope in better memories

You seem small and fragile
Even to my touch
I am terrified of how my love might crush you
But I cannot get myself to be the better person
I cannot hide how deep your eyes cut me
I cannot get myself to hide how stupidly I am in love with you
How much it is devastating

You are the only thing I wish to feel
Daydreaming,
If only you were real
It seems idiotic to hope
But I am hopelessly in need of a fracture of the simplest fairytale

My love,
Only you can understand,
and not underestimate me like myself and others do
How it feels to gather and cling to scraps of hope in means of staying sane
On most nights I talk to myself as if I were talking to you
I tell you about my day, about how mind numbing my work has become
It feels awfully devastating to say that I’ve tried, but it  wasn’t enough
I am busy most of the time, my free time feels like a sin
To eventually realize how little I know about life or how to live
Life has pushed me to a wall, that everyone seems to get through, but me
Often the only escape is sleep, but what feels like a dream, usually is
Because nightmares are real,
Painfully so
In search of solace, I have heard none sense of not working hard enough and other things that enrage me
Only my thoughts of you leave me in peace

You must admit
I am painfully human
I give my all, but still be humiliated at how little that is
I cannot control my moods,
Or my nervous breakdowns
I am overly human
I feel intensely, or nothing at all
I sometimes feel like I could cry from the beauty of our night sky
But, what is left from my dark times starts to creep in, little poisonous claws
“You are” I am,
I repeat,
“your efforts”  my efforts,
“your struggles”  my struggles,
“your worth” my worth,
“are nothing”  Are-
Oh but I sob to that
And try to fight back
But the feeling lingers,
like the softest words of endearment