It arrives,
Unnoticed, unannounced.

Quiet,
At first.

Slow,
Seeping, dripping.

I put it down to a few stressful weeks.
I carry on.

It unpacks,
Worries, anxieties.

Gently,
For now,

Tiptoes,
Whispers, creaks.

‘It will leave soon’ I think ‘It always does.’
I keep going.

It settles in,
Getting comfortable.

Getting louder,
And louder.

Banging thoughts,
Insomnia.

‘Please don’t be happening again’.
I shuffle along my daily routine.

Claws in,
Insidious.

Screaming,
24/7.

Shame, worthlessness,
Hurt.

‘Please go away’.
I’m barely coping.

Growing roots,
Into my brain and heart.

Blossoming pain,
With every beat.

Emptiness, loneliness,
Abandonment.

Silence, Stillness,
‘I can’t move, I can’t cope.’

Thought, like
A gunshot.
Like the noise the
Lightning wrought.
Like a crashing wave
That drags me back
Into the tide I fought.
I sought my peace
Inside a void
Where the pressing fears
Might cease.
Where my demons
Would release
Me
But it was all
For naught.
In my darkness,
I was found.
The sporadic,
Enigmatic sound
Of my neural network
Run aground
On the void I used
As a shield around
The fears I loathe to feel,
Saw my defenses
Swiftly drowned,

And I thought.

When you've got a brain like mine
It holds onto your words like life rafts
Adrift on a sleepless sea for weeks at a time
They swirl and fester in black ink cauldrons
Double double all the toil and most the trouble
The fire still burns amidst the rubble

I can't eat
Sleeping through the night
is almost impossible
My body feels heavy
Everything that I used to enjoy
seems useless

I know there's a name for it
But I don't want to say it
I can't come to terms with the thing
that I've been dealing with
since I was 13

For fear that no one believes me
I don't want to be seen as weak
And I'm not trying to seek attention
I just don't know what to do with myself

Something is wrong with me
And I'm not sure why
But I don't let it consume me like I used to
So it is what it is
I'm sure I'll get by

A beautiful pain
Getting sadder everyday
Hurting but smiling