i don't deal with my problems;
i bury them in my yard and in
my haste forget that weeds grow
without the need of water.

of one thing
i am sure
and that is
that i am
unsure of
myself
and it’s funny
how i can’t
sleep but my
chest closes its
eyes and hums
with a heartbeat
that is unsure of
itself, too.
i try to morph
into a body
i don’t feel
belongs to me
just so i can
fit somewhere
fit in somewhere
and i tell so
many stories
about the
universe, it
forever feels
like i am trying
to remain lost.
i am unsure
of myself;
connecting the
moles on my
skin as if they
will spell out
something bigger
so i can feel
like i matter,
at least for
a little while.
i sleep beside
myself, stare at
a reflection
so unfamiliar
i couldn’t even
identify it in
a crowd of
strangers, but
i am trying.
and one day
i’m sure i’ll
be sure
of myself but
until then,
i’ll morph into
someone i can
be proud of
and hope that
the universe
sends me back
to myself.

I lie awake having conversations in my head that will never happen
Weeks of practice - winning the most absurd arguments
About how much better old cartoons are compared to new ones
About what I would say if I was ever in a rap battle
About why I care about you so much
About when I will next make you laugh
About how I can't say any of this

You asked about my past, asking about the 'real me'
Beyond the security blanket called humor I drape myself in
And I wanted so badly to tell you my story
I'd practiced every tangent it could have taken
We stood, however briefly, before the abyss of admission
It dared me to leap and I laughed

For it was, of all things, the fear of getting ahead of myself that kept me from moving
Do not confuse the adrenaline of the jump with that of the quickened heart of unspoken love
Do not wield your words like cannons ready to fire at the first opportunity
Remember, that is the lesson you have learned

You asked about my past
I said, "Yes. I have known heartbreak, loneliness and loss, but I will do everything that I can so you do not."
And it was the truth
Well, the most important one

The saying goes: airports and funerals see the saddest people
The saddest people are those at Walmart at midnight
Dressed in the lazy pajamas of tomorrow morning
And baggy eyed in the missed responsibilities of today
Being at Walmart at midnight is like going to church on Tuesday
Your timing was a little off, but at least you tried
Aisles full of 'clearances' and 'don't look at me's'
(but also please acknowledge my existence)
And then I realize that I am at Walmart at midnight
I am sad. But I am not cat-food-road-map-cart sad
So, I got that going for me