Poor little birdy.
I saw you lay helpless in the alley.
Broken wing? I'm not sure.
I wondered as i watched you and my heart hit the floor.
You couldn't move. You couldn't even try.
Oh wonderful your birdy friend is here to help!.... I thought to myself.
Then he got on top of you and started to peck out your eye.
Oh myyy.
Whats happening? I can't let this go on.
So i chased him and away he flew.
But the damage was already done.
Poor little one.
Should i end your pain i ask myself?
Today was the first time i heard a bird whimper.
You're no longer in pain. Fly high.
And if i see that other bird again his wings i will fry.
Poor little birdy.
Fly high.




-Jennifer DeAngelo
Copyrighted 2016

Getting out of bed is so hard
with such a heavy head
I drag myself into sitting posistion
groggy, already tired by the time I stand up
I'm through with feeling like my footsteps mean nothing
to anyone around me '

I used to shame validation from anyone else
for my own importance
but my ego is starving
and I am laying in bed without a purpose or a reason to be here

A heavy head
that is empty
holds me down
in a way I do not understand
I cleared it of all the bad but still it weighs
me
down

Dear you,
Why do you do this at the worst times?
You know I have deadlines and a social life,
you know I made a schedule and was supposed to be on time.

How could you be so selfish,
making me stay in bed all day but then make my heart race as I knew I was late for everything I was to do before you convinced me to stay and rot?

You,
why won't you let me shower?
Why are you standing in front of the mirror telling me things that would shatter someone else but I have grown used to?
Where did you come from and how do I get rid of you?
I miss who I was before you came here every morning and sat on my chest until I stopped trying to fight it at all.

To you:
I'm sick of this.
It's been three days and you haven't let me eat but once I do you won't let me stop.
Will you ******* let me sleep already? I know you have a lot to say but today I cannot handle staying up and reading old prose I wrote when I was happy,
before you came back.

To you,
where did you go all this time and where did you stay?
Can you leave again and take with you the toxic habits you brought back?
Do you quench your thirst with wine because I never craved it until you came around again and now I cannot get the taste out of my mouth,
but what is worse is how I need that fuzzy feeling to feel okay
and I think that is your fault

You,
What is your goal and when do you plan on stopping?
because I'm tired.
I have used up all of my excuses and hurt everyone I love with my inability to muster up strength to ask for help but instead lash out at those who love me
or loved me

You,
you ruin relationships for me
no one wants to love me when you hang on my shoulders and deter people from seeing who I am when I stand up straight
it is for that that I hate you and I hope you know that you are not welcome,
I do not let you in thinking you have changed
but instead I let you in because I have not.
I lay here and rot and let you do this to me because it is the only consistent thing in my life
you are the only thing that keeps fighting for me once I've tried to push you away over and over

do you think that makes us good for each other?
I had a boyfriend who I left so many times and one day
he stopped coming back
I wish you'd do that.
Maybe then I could step forward instead of fall back.

Can you go the **** away?
I miss my friends
I miss the day, conquering it before noon and being able to say I beat you,
that I left you.
Instead you leave me for dead with mascara on my fingers from rubbing tired eyes 56 times in the last hour wondering when things will get better and if they would if I just stopped pretending like they already were
I hate sleeping until noon because you make waking up any earlier feel like a death sentence.
I hate you for making death look so beautiful and peaceful when you know **** well there are things on earth death will never touch
like those feelings you took from me too
untangible, but not untakeable
you made sure I knew you had the ability to steal them from me and
that I would not feel anything if you did not think it was okay
is this okay with you?

I'm so sick of you

I can't say that now and I'm writing this from the bed I haven't left in 3 days so how can I get strong enough to leave you?
won't you please,
just go away.

Wake up,
Thursday morning,
smell of wet asphalt creeps in through the crack in the window left open
get up,
breathe it in and listen to the chickadees sing for this type of weather

Drink up,
warm water with lemon,
detox yesterday's sins
and begin new today
peel the wrappers from your arm from falling asleep eating
too many candies,
go for a run, cook a colorful lunch
fill your body with something other than crap for once.
the sun does not rise for you to waste the day in bed,
remember how it feels to do what you love and feel calm at night when you finally fall to bed, not shaking, but somber.

today is yours,
do not let it slip away,
god knows you have the strength to take it,
so do as the birds do,
just be,
fly,
sing,
breathe.

The saying goes
"It takes 21 days to make or break a habit"
but it's been 71 and I've yet to even crack the surface on this one
I made a routine out of pretending to be stronger than what
I pretended you made me into, and that was weak.
I created a pattern in my head and brought it to life:
you were the reason I was this way and here is why:
what we had was a habit,
I'll spare the details because they're just as boring as the same series I've been watching on Netflix for a month without a purpose.
***, fight, make up, ignore problems, watch tv, sleep and eat ****** food, more ***.
You could smell the latex for two years before we stopped using a ****** and taking that risk became routine.
We knew all the answers to jeopardy but we kept watching and I think that's because we tried to pretend that we didn't know things that we already did
and look where it led.

It was a habit.
It was comfort after a week of routines we led separately but somehow over the course of three years never talked about deeply.
"How was school?"
Out of habit I say "okay"
How was work? "slow"
"I don't care what we order"
"Just pick something"
"Do you want to have ***?"
"Can you push over?"
"Who are you texting?"
"why do you always do this?"
"Are you finished being mad yet?"
"I need you in my life, please don't leave"

As humans we crave stability but do not know that what it brings instead is a suffocating cycle that should not feel so permanent at nineteen and twenty


So when we broke up I made a habit out of checking up on you
made a pattern out of blaming you for not wanting to leave my bed,

two whole months later.

What they don't tell you about habits is that 21 days is not enough to break down walls that held you in place for 956 days, even if you weren't very happy,
at least you were warm and at least you had something there to remind you that you always had something to fall back on,
even if it was weighing down your shoulders,
even if it would crack around you one day.

I made a habit out of projecting the blame onto others too,
like saying "would crack around you" one day.
Like I was warning others that love is not forever and to be cautious who you let inside your walls because I did not want to see you there inside when they fall,
when they really fell around me
and two months later,
it's a habit to still check in to make sure you're happy.
Scrolling your newsfeed though you have me blocked, I'm sure you know I do it anyway so you routinely make yourself look better than ever, satisfied in all that you have and I hope you are that way,  I really do
5 days a week in a factory coming home to microwave noodles and a small love seat is not ideal but it's comforting.
And so we accept these facts and allow ourselves to repeat
all we want sometimes is comfort, we don't even need to be happy if we have a place to sleep.

it is still a routine to forget about taking care of my self because that takes away time from caring for you and selfish is one word I never strive to be so I spend my days remembering all the things we repeated over and over.

I will always blame you because it is so hard not to.

I hope one day I don't.

Some days I try and make a habit out of pretending I'm angry with you when in all actuality I miss the stability of calling someone mine.
I don't know why I do this thing where I pretend like I didn't love you as much as I did,
as much as I do. Still.
I guess it's a habit because I have so much to live up to;
this "hard girl" image isn't easy, you know, but for 71 days it's what I've come to know is what I need to move on maybe half as fast as you did.
Maybe I wasn't a routine for you because I know you well enough to know you were stuck in your ways for longer than 21 days so many times and it was not easy to break through them.
Maybe I was different.
I think I loved you a lot more and that's why I have pages of words,
and bags of glass bottles,
I've made a routine out of this and you have done absolutely nothing.


21 days?
That's absurd.
I just let 21 days pass without trying to even move on

what happens if you don't want to break the habit?
I'm sorry, what happens if I don't want to break the habit?
What if I miss it?
What if I want it back although that habit is far gone and moved on?


What do I do now but blame that habit for my lack of motivation now as my fingers wear out the paint on the keyboard of this computer and I blame you for my weight gain and inability to stop drinking even though you told me never to start in the first place because you know I have an addictive personality and it's so hard for me to
break habits?

Once I get started on a new one I'm sure I will be fine.
they say it only takes 21 days, anyway.