I feel like I have spent my life trying to keep steady on shifting sand
Never being able to relax and take a full breath
Never being able to feel like I've found a home for body or soul
Will I ever find a place to plant my feet safely?

I sit by your side and feel the creep of panic set it
I can feel myself getting distracted and feeling more than I should
More than I'm allowed
I try desperately to push it down
Pretend my heart is cold
I seem to forget that you aren't an option
You don't want this
Want me
My silly heart is going to shatter me and I can't seem to stop it

Loving you is like holding a dandelion in a storm
I cup my hands and try to keep you safe
The wind takes pieces of you away from me with every gentle breathe
Until there is simply nothing left to hold onto

I think I lost myself along the way
I spent so long putting you back together that I somehow missed that I was taking bits of myself to fill in your cracks
What is holding me together?
I simply don't know anymore

It's easy to forget I have feelings
I bury them so deep I lose all my words until it feels like I never had anything to say in the first place

Falling in love feels a lot like falling apart and falling together over and over again

Today you pulled me into you and pressed your mouth softly against my head
Your hands warm and solid against my back
Your laugh cut through my chest and I fell in love with you
I don't think I'll ever tell you but it scares me
I want to tell you to jump with me
That you'll be okay with yourself and it's okay to find that happiness in yourself while you find it with me
But I can't push this
I wish you could see what I do
But for now I'll love you and let you give yourself what you need
It's a shame for now that isn't going to be me

You gave me just enough oxygen to light myself on fire

I'm sitting in my kitchen
It's dark and I feel alone
You're in my bed so close but I feel so disconnected to your sleeping mind right now
Do you think about everything I think about?
What could be or how it could fall apart?
How your fingers don't touch me the same way theirs do?
Or how your voice brings calm to my mind like nobody else could
You might be my happy place and I hope it doesn't scare you
I wish I knew what you thought about this
About us
Maybe one day you'll tell me

When you're with me all I think about is you
How you touch me
How you taste
Your sweet words comforting me and softening my chest
But when you're gone my mind pulls it all apart
Tearing the memory apart until I'm sure I was in it alone

I think I'm just a little bit scared right now
Everything feels so comfortable so fast with you
Do I have a right to feel this safe?
So happy?
Why does it worry me so?

You're in my bed counting sheep
Blissfully unaware that my mind is pulling apart my thoughts and stitching them back together over and over
What if this is one sided?
Am I in this feeling alone?
I know you'll eventually make your way out of this and move on to the next
But what if you feel this too?

Poetry isn't often born from a happy soul
But the taste of your lips keeps strings of words flowing through my mind
Endless
I could write sonnets about your deep dimples
Taste your lips for weeks on mine
Feel the warmth of your hands long after you're gone
My reckless anxiety calms at the thought of your breath in my ear
With you things are good again

You're slowly growing into something important
I didn't realise until I started to miss your warm hand on my lower back
Or the way your mouth curls up on the side when I say something ridiculous
Or your head on my chest wrapped tight in a blanket that seems to hold me together when you do something that makes my emotions spill out
You're something I didn't quite see coming

I wish you could see yourself how I do
You're so ******* beautiful
The way you move and speak and are is unparalleled
You glow.
And you see yourself as a pale light half broken and unworthy of being lit
But you are the kind of person I would gladly be broken for
And I'm okay with holding your spark up until you're ready to hold it up yourself

You have stars in your hair that make me wish I'd spent more time looking at the sky

There's so much I want to say to you.
Where would I start?
You played with feelings that weren't yours to play with
You put thoughts in my head that had no place there
You put holes in a heart that wasn't beating for you
What gave you the right to make me feel so secure?

You spun a web that worked for you and I was simply a bug caught up
Wrapped in this
Waiting for you to deliver the final blow

In the spur of the moment you throw out words like weapons that make me feel like a raw nerve exposed

I couldn't quite figure out the way she looked at me
She touches my lips and looks at me in what looks like wonder
Like she's trying to figure out how my pieces go together
Like she's trying to pull me apart and put me together
I've never met someone that made me feel so broken apart and so whole all at the same time

I like how you make me see things
Because of you a flower isn't a simple item on the ground
A flower becomes petals with roots that hold years of secrets and memories and life so easily overlooked

Everything I touch seems to hold a memory of something I've done wrong
Keeping it locked inside until It sees an opportunity to punish me
I used to think maybe I was cursed
Cursed to live my life always fixing one problem or grieving or healing a forever broken heart
Exhausted I struggle to face the next month knowing another trauma is short awaited
I want to wrap myself in bubble wrap and wait out this wave but I know I can't

You touch my body without seeing my mind
You look in my eyes but you don't know what they tell you
And maybe that's okay
Maybe I don't need you to know me
Maybe I just need you to be with me in this dark hour when the only noise is our breath between us

I search for a connection in everyone I touch
I haven't quite met my twin flame but under the surface of your skin I feel a unique warmth that makes me wanna stay and see the layers of you unfold
Maybe you'll teach me something I have yet to know

We spent a night together and I thought you could understand my mind and see things the way I do
But when we shared our memories you were focused on how my soft lips parted and how I felt in your hands
How I came apart and how my skin glistened in sweat
I'm not sure if I should be as dissapointed as I am but I thought I had a partner in crime that saw the world the same
I was clearly wrong

I called you blue haired boy because it made you a fantasy to me
It made it impossible for you to hurt me when you didn't have a name
But eventually I gave you a name
And you hurt me
You taught me so much but I refuse to be grateful that I ever met you

I put so much faith in you. After so long of protecting my heart I opened up the dusty long forgotten part of myself and showed you how I work. I fell for you hard and you discarded me like I was worth so little to you. All the whispered words that made me feel so important to you and made me feel safe were a lie. Lies that fell so easily from your lips that built up something big inside of me.

There's something that happens when we're together. Like a magnet I can't seem to pull away from.
My hands find you in every darkened corner, seeking your touch.  Being close to you builds this small cabin inside of my body next to a fireplace keeping me warm and safe.

You don't get to see it but nobody gets the me that you get. You bring the calm to my chaos and soften my rough edges. God knows I have a lot of rough edges. You cushion my steel spine and break the glass covering my heart. I wonder if you know how much power you have over me.

I know you're going to break my heart
I can see it inevitably as a fast speeding train heading for a wall and sorely lacking a break to stop it.

I feel a small lit candle burning in my chest growing into a fireplace built up by Wood and bark and feeling's too hot to keep in a jar

Its been years and I can't put my trust back together yet
You aren't him
Why can I not go on a date without painting you all the same?
Cheaters
It hurts most when I'm alone and the air around me is silent and cold and I wish I could see someone as a possibility to be happy instead of the weapon to cause me harm

I think I love you
I'm trying to go on dates and make a connection but when the evening turns cold and our laughs grow quiet it leaves me feeling hollow and low
Because it doesn't compare to you
We fit and I don't know how to shake that

It'd be nice to be someone's first for once
Unrequited feelings are an unwelcome whirlwind that seems to escape the ability to prepare for it
I didn't prepare for you to know me like this
I still have so much I could show you

You get me wrapped up in this feeling that this is important
That this is something good
And then she messages you at 2am when you're wrapped in my arms and it reminds me
I don't get to have you
This is simply a shared release that leaves me bare and tender

What happened to us.
One day you stopped trying to open my head and my chest to pick at my secret's
One day my secret's just became mine again
No longer something we shared between the sheets in hushed whispers when the world was long past asleep

I tilt my face up and let the moon reflect against my skin
I dare you to break me

Being with you is like trying to thread a string through a needle
I'm not quite sure it fits

I can taste you on my lips like liquor
Shooting the feeling of heavy and smooth straight into my blood

Your roots are taking shape
Shooting into the ground and forming a solid foundation with so much strength and love it's shattering
So what do you do?
Do you water the plant?
Or leave it to die?

You're scared to look at me because I'm the part of yourself you lock in a box and leave to collect dust
I'm the reflection you're terrified to face

You make my heart beat
like a drum echoing in a
darkened hallway

You took yourself away from us at such a young age
I hate growing up when we were supposed to do this together
You were the half of me I needed as badly as air
You were the part of me I needed at every milestone
And you couldn't handle the pain life inflicted on you despite all the good
I'm mad at you and I can't even tell you

There's been a hole in my heart for years now
You left me because you couldn't handle the world and that's okay
But my heart will forever ache with what you used to make me feel and I so badly wish I could have said something to make you stay
I hope wherever you went was better than the life you knew
I will miss you always

I taste pennies on your lips and I swear nothing has ever been sweeter

I feel like I'm seeing your petals being crushed and I'm stuck on the side immobile
Unable to save you from plucking the petals off of yourself as if that will save you from that chest squeezing pain inside of you
You can't dig your way to your core and ease the ache and all I want is to lift you off the cold hard ground and help you take root.
Let me be your soil.

It'd be easier if I could distance myself
I know you don't want this
Want me
Yet every time you're in my bed you look at me in this secret way that makes me feel like you see me
And it chips at a piece of me
Knowing this is something real and sweet and tender and someone crushed your trust enough that you can't bare to face another risk

I like your bones.
I like that steady foundation still being built and ever changing inside of you that makes you a person with ideas and thoughts and feelings and morals unshakable by a gentle breeze or a hard shove
I like watching you unfold
I like watching the pieces fit together and grow and change and soften
I like the tender spots that hurt and that steel spine that keeps the soft inside and protected

When you took my innocence you didn't take it in one fell swoop.
You took it when all my stern plea's of denial turned into silence
And with all those rough touches when I didn't want a touch at all
And all these small harmful things that broke down something in me until I couldn't build it back up again
I will be okay.
But I hate that you've shaken the core that made me a person I liked once before.
I hate that thing's bypass my hard outer layer and hit my centre with a sharp jab and a painful inhale

Bit by bit you blew on my trust like a dandelion.
Pieces broken off and taken away by the soft flowing wind to an unknown destination.