I don’t drink
I don’t drink because I don’t search for a good time in the glass confines of liquid poison
I don’t drink because my image of this honey colored pass-time has been tainted- discolored by an addiction I have too much knowledge of, wildly mishandeled before I was able to get my hands near it
I don’t drink because I have heard too many “drunk stories” from people who aren’t the main character
The thought of that scares me
I don’t drink because I’m a control freak
I don’t drink because if I wouldn’t do it sober I don’t want to do it ever
I don’t drink because I have never seen the appeal of not remembering your actions- of not acting in a way you would be proud of
If I am not in control of my body than tell me who is?
I don’t drink because my vision is already blurry I don’t need liquid lies to do that for me
I don’t drink because I can barely function sober
I don’t think inebriating myself would help that
I don’t drink because I’ve never had an itch in my throat that can only be satiated by the tar of alcohol
I don’t hunt for the burning sensation on my tounge after a long day- or any day really
See I don’t have a high pain tolerance
I don’t drink because I don’t crave the rabbit hole that too many have fallen into
I don’t want to fall prey to that darkness
To the suffocating lack of light that follows the last pour of a bottle
I don’t drink because I don’t care for the brazen words that don’t have a grip on their volume
Words that wouldn’t have been said if the drinker knew what was being said
I don’t drink because I already have trust issues
I don’t drink because I don’t want to be another victim of *******
Because anything can happen when you don’t know what’s happening
Because too many people use “but I was drunk” as an excuse for ruining someone elses night
For ruining someone elses life
25% of women have experienced ****** assault in all it’s variety
Nearly half of those casses have alcohol lighting up someone’s bloodstream
I don’t search for those lights
My decision is not made on the oassumption that I wouldn’t like the taste
My decision is made because I have a history with something I’ve never even touched
My decision is made because 28 people die due to drunk driving every day in this country
I don’t want to be the 29th
I don’t drink because I don’t want to
Because I know
too much
about it

This is new
We are new
I don’t really know what to call this- us
I don’t know what to do
I don’t do this
I haven’t done this
I’m new to this
Isn’t it obvious?
Can you tell just how
Lost I get in your eyes
How easily I lose my way in your hair
How readily I come into your arms
You’ll have to forgive me
This is my first time trying to navigate this
I don’t want to call this an experiment
But I must look like a scientist trying to figure out what to do and what not to do
I hate to ask
But does this come with a handbook?
Will you read me the instructions?
This has always seemed like it would be so much easier
But right now I feel like I’m putting together a table from Ikea
Luckily
You are right next to me
Showing me what to do
This hasn’t been going on for very long
But you have to understand
If I feel a bit like a deer caught in your headlights
Stunned
It’s because you
Are stunning
The way you write, speak, dress
Hell, even the way you walk demands my attention
Leaving me wide eyed
Frozen
I don’t want to mess this up
Mess us up
I still don’t know what to call this
What to call us
I’m still a deer in the middle of the road
But you untagle the knots I form in my own mind
You help me to understand

Can't call 911 for this,
I can't save you this time.

Open the curtains for the first time in ages.
The walls weep,
dripping yellow-brown nicotine,
crying brown tears for you.
Carpet stained spots of brown black blood,
a macabre Jackson *******.
Stained, sweat-soaked sheets smell,
the stench of withdrawal and agony.
**** and mold growing on the toilet,
like tiny bonsai trees.

The sun catches your face,
lightly touching a cheek-bone,
saying goodbye in it's own way.
Hazel eyes wide open,
mouth frozen,
a sort of painful grimace.

I want to clean it all away.
I want to scrub every wall,
every moulding,
every inch.
Bleach it all white.
Pull the **** across a giant etch-a-sketch of the scene.
And when it's clean,
When all of it is finally clean...

I will cover every wall like a canvas, with every note you ever left me.
Top to bottom,
wall to wall,
I will paint your words.
When I was away too long and you missed me,
when you wanted to cheer me up,
Or when you just wanted to say,
"I love you".

Why
Do I always mess things up?
Turning
Friendship into crush into lack of said friendship.
I
Do not intentionally like those who seem to get me best,
But I,
Do not know how to not mess this up.
I
do not know how to not like her.
See I,
I have a girl crush.
The first since I was 15
So please
Don't take this, or my feelings too lightly;
And,
Because I'm not in a rush to
Tell her how I feel
I
Manage to be complacent with her friendship,
And her company.
See she
Could either become my best friend,
Or my nothing.
Because girl crushes,
For me,
Have always been nothing but unrealistic
Feelings unrequited,
Unreturned,
Unsatisfied;
So I
Shovel them into the mass grave of
Thoughts
And emotions
In hope that,
One day,
She'll dig them up like buried treasure
And treasure them
As if they were her own.
But how
Will she ever find their tombstone
If she doesn't even know what she's looking for?
Lost,
I ask for Her advice.
She
Always seems to have the best advice:
"follow your heart." she offers to me,
But,
Little does she know that means I would have to follow her all day and
I
Don't care much for being a shadow.
I
Ask her how to tell someone the truth about my emotions and she answers:
"With honesty"
And honesty
May always be the best policy for her,
But for me,
Only lies are worth living while I
Lay with someone else,
And the lies I tell myself.
So she
Stays in the dark of my feelings
And the real questions I want to ask
Like
"Should I let us remain friends? Or should I try to make us more?"
Make me
Into
Her companion
A
Two girl coven
With no room
For anything other than magic
And unmade memories
An
Empty grimoire
Filled with
Blank Polaroids,
Uncast spells,
And unspoken words
Of feelings unshared.
I
Don't mind the idea of a relationship unhad
But my brain
flickers like a broken street light
In warning that my feelings towards others are only fake
Refusing to let me ignore that he
Is nowhere close to she,
And that she
Will never truly care for me.
Not so long as she is oblivious,
And I am dishonest.