I am not you, and you are not me
But I at least deserve respect, you see
My body is my own, my boundaries are too
Why am I punished for upholding the two?
Who made you the boss
Who made you think you were king
Who made you think everything you wanted
Was yours for the taking

Now I’m the *****, now I’m the tease
All because I offered you kindness
And you took it as an offering of me

My anger fuels me
But not for the better
I’m closed off, I’m quiet and overly aggressive
I don’t know when peace will meet me again
And haven’t slept well since the incident

I hope you are happy with yourself
Because I haven’t hated me more
Sometimes all I can do is
Lay crying on the cold floor
Hoping the tears draw out the pain
That’s  held me captive, since that night you became
A bottomless pit, a toxic drain

The complexity of the human
mind is amazing
Dreams and sleep ignite deep fascination
Explosions of neurons rehabilitating our minds and bodies.
Dreams please us, terrify us, rejuvenate us, leave us restless.

My relationship with sleep has been complicated since  I was a teen
I experience sleep paralysis accompanied by demented hallucinations.
But last night I had the most comforting dream It alleviated the pain I’ve been feeling recently

I’m not sure who to thank
If it’s myself or a friend I lost
but it was brought to me at the most
Perfect time, and it’s  helped me understand
Why some people believe in angels.

I remember being a young girl at the pool
Playing this game with myself
Where I would float on my back
Belly, face, and palms to the sun
I’d see how still I could be
And once I was as still as I felt was possible
I’d exhale and feel myself sink
Almost close enough to where my nose was underwater
Just before the moment where air meets water
I’d breathe in as deep as I could manage
And feel myself rise again
Back to the surface
Back to safety
Sometimes I still do that
Maybe you do too
Just in a different way

Sometimes the place we turn to when we aren’t exactly sure who we are or what we want, is the place that is always the same.
At least in some way. Usually just the location.

And that place speaks to us because
We’ve  been there when we were so sure about who we were and where we wanted to be, the first time we ever went.

And somehow that place stays in the same spot and feels so comfortable and somehow brand new each time
Because we are always different
And always wanting to be and see something new

But just for a moment in that same place
We see exactly who we truly are
And to me. That’s something.

I can almost feel the ground shaking
As old ways begin to fall into the abyss
And the new finds itself sifting through the cracks, down into
And through me

What was will never be again
And I feel it tugging on my heart strings
Pulling and pulling, just to see how flexible they really are
Thinking maybe if they tug just gently enough they won’t eventually snap
But they always do

We have a way of forgetting that all things come to an end
And when they do
All we have left is a memory and maybe a tear or two.

You want my body and
I just want some of your time
But you have none to give and its left me in a
Bind
Feeling trapped in myself and can’t unwind.
So I push myself so hard trying to use the grind, as some sort of outlet, but let me tell you- it’s just not enough

Lights on
Lights off
Lights out
I’m out, of my mind, out of reasons to continue to live on- this way
Way out
Out there somewhere
I’ll find the time to bring myself back down to
Where I can love
And still be mine.

My heart bleeds of circumstance
Indecision and slight chance.
Life is chaos, be nice.

How can you not see
That you are the root of your Toxicity
How can you not understand
That when you put a monetary value
Before anything else
You become the sum value of exploitation
Itself.

I'm in love with the fleeting
As it's never present long enough
To become all consumed in
The wind
The rain
The sun
Always present
But never lasts
It's these things I find myself
A fleeting moment in time
Constantly fading
In and out

Everything is fleeting, everything is fast
Live for each moment because it can never last
One moment you’re living
The next you’re decaying  
Consciousness floating back into space
Be present, be kind
Nothing we have is really ours
We’re on borrowed time, borrowed love, borrowed things, borrowed bodies, borrowed thoughts, borrowed death.
Leave no space for hate to fester
As you never know what someone had to borrow.
It’s easy to be anxious, but it’s quite unecessary
That was borrowed too.

I sit and wonder
Will I ever ******* move
I think maybe not

Vines are all I can recreate
Because just like them, I’m silent
Creeping in
I ruin all that I’m attached to
But beautiful all the same

I’m the most honest liar
That you’ll ever meet
I believe in the falicies
That I always create
One day I’m a broken home
The next day I’m great
Who can really say what the truth is
When it’s your own reality
Your own fate

I don’t mean to be hurtful
I don’t mean to be fake
The lies, they spew out
Before I can stop them and say
Really I’m terrible
Really it’s just me that I hate

I feel better in my waking day
I can eat again, sleep again
No attack from my brain has came
That is
Until I fall asleep
Living here pulls out all of the things
I never like thinking about
I fall into my dreams with ease
But always wake in the morning
Feeling quite displeased
I wish I knew how to shake the sadness
That so deeply envelops me
As much as I try
Everyone can see
All my sadness
And it’s depressing glory
I’m trying I’ll say
Trying
Trying
Trying

Love to me, is much like the ocean
Vast, mysterious, strong
Impossible to control

       It will rip your feet out from under you
             Stun you with its intense force
       Leave you disoriented and confused

But can you imagine
A world without the ocean?

Staring down into its dark abyss
Entangled in its warmth and bitterness.
It soothes my soul and
Makes me feel almost whole.

Leaves fall from the trees to save it from the cold
In each passing year
Less vulnerability begins to unfold
Sometimes you will find
We are only as strong as we are old

The asphalt cracks just like my lips
Too neglected to be functional
All the weeds start growing in
And I think maybe my self destructive thoughts are equally as hardy as them
They keep growing
And something is so beautiful
About watching it crumble

The moon
She speaks to me
She whispers songs of strength, love, loss and grief
Each time we meet I grow a little stronger
A little wilder
A little closer to me

Can someone please just tell me how to be?
Can you explain the way I can be sought after but not obsessed over
How to love someone without clinging to them
How to feel without breaking something
How to move on without disassociating
Can someone please just tell me how to be?
So that I can stop being apologetically me