My whole body trembles
at human contact
like an addict
that is on withdrawl
so many years
without touch
leaves me searching for hands
and embraces
that will calm
my feverish heart
and the day after
my heart is still
excruciatingly beating
trying to jump out of my chest
and walk amongst the world
to leap into someone's arms
because that moment was not enough
and I need more
that moment was not enough
I'm an addict of love
and now I know the highs and lows
of withdrawl

velcro wallet
was navy, i think
gray plastic zipper
grandma gave you
i had a locket
it had your picture inside
but you threw it away
because you looked like a rabbit
apparently
hair fluffed, eyes puffy
two teeth and two hours
of squirming on a photo booth

plastic coin pouch
small crayola blue
walmart sticker on a side
but it never made me smile
not like that piggy bank did
yard sale treasure
dinosaur-shaped
no smashing to withdrawl
our tooth fairy dollars and dust
still, you crammed stink bugs
down the long neck's back

now, a denim bag on my bed
rhinestoned one in the closet
and your wallet is
real leather, i think
has superheroes on it
rough and grungy
as the comic books in the attic
or, did you toss those too?

who needs a screwdriver
without a *****?
that's all money was
just hardware we didn't have
much use for
but there is more than one way
to use a tool
so here, i'll paint it straighter
who needs a coffin without a corpse?
especially when we were
so full of life back then

"Her Name Is ******"
The first time I met Her, I knew right away, She'd be in my life forever. The first time I met Her, She introduced Herself and I couldn't breathe. The first time I met Her...never had I slept so deeply in my life.
The second time I was with Her, it was a dream of bliss and happiness come true. The second time I was with Her, my eyes lit up with excitement and my heart simultaneously sped up and slowed down. The second time I met Her, I knew I would love Her forever.
By the time our relationship became something I craved and lusted for, I realized that I hated Her. I didn't want Her in my life but I couldn't tell Her because I needed Her. And I would do whatever I could for Her. I would steal from anyone I could for Her. I could lie to anyone I knew or loved for Her. I refused to be without Her and nobody would stop me from being with Her.
By the time a year and a half had passed by, and Her and i had now had too many dates for me to count, i awoke one day to stop and look down to where i held her in my arms, held Her in my hands. I stopped and realized i had forgotten Her name. It was something that had been happening lately, my memory just wasn't as sharp as it was before i met her. I looked down at Her and said, "um i seem to have forgotten your name, could you please tell me it". She looked at me and said to me with a twisted, evil smile and a voice like someone who had been smoking their whole life. She said "why Sean, how could you forget my name? Baby my name...is ******. And you love me very much don't you?" I looked down at her, the square piece of foil in my left hand and the pen with which i had de-constructed and now used to catch Her breath in my right, was the woman of my dreams. The black, oily, rolling demon to whom i spoke to, was the one who i had given my soul to.
But she was right, i did love Her and would do anything for Her. I loved her more than the job i lost for Her. I loved Her more than, realizing and knowing that i hadn't showered in days and didn't care. I loved her more than my guitars i used to speak what my soul sings, which i pawned, with no hope of regaining, for Her. I loved Her more...than the woman with whom i was in a 3-year relationship with and who i loved very much with everything i was. But, because of ******, i was nothing, but what She wanted me to be. I did all of these things just so i didn't have to feel the pain in my bones when i didn't have Her. I did all of these thigns, so i didn't have to feel the aches in my muscles when i couldn't get Her. I did all of these things, so day in and day out i wouldn't have to deal with my reality that was crumbling around me. I did these things to numb the pain of catching my girlfriend cheating on me with my best friend. Numb me from the hurt of her kicking me out to move him in and marry him. I did this to hide from the reality of moving back in with my parents and feeling like i was a child again. I needed her in my life to eventually **** all my feelings when, my parents kicked me out of their house because I wouldn’t do what they wanted and later kicked me out of their home and didn't care where i went or what happened to me.
My reality, had become my parents telling me, as i was walking away, tears in my eyes, curses in my mouth, and a ******* machete jammed through my heart, them telling me that i was nothing but a lowlife piece of trash and i deserved to be out on the streets, living behind dumpsters, and that i was a thief and now, since I had come back in to their house with her, it felt tainted and evil. My reality was, my parents telling me that the next time they saw me, would be at my funeral.
My reality was so consumed by darkness, and so consumed by pain, and just so consumed by the reality that i couldn't actually FEEL anymore and all i had in my life was Her. She was always there for me. To take away my pain as i slept behind a grocery store and was jumped and beaten by three other homeless men. She took away the pain of being utterly consumed by the lack of not being able to feel anything except for the overwhelming urge to just die. That after 3 weeks on the streets, and an almost 3 year relationship with my sweetheart, ******, i was so incapable of feeling anything, that i just wanted it all to end. Because everything inside of me that made me human and alive, had already died long ago, and She was just my life support, but i was ready to pull the plug.

When you are nothing but a hollow shell, and doing the same routine of: wake up, smoke H, go beg for change so i don't have to be without my darling, ******, but haven't eaten in two days, so i go to the dumpster where i have a buffet of half eaten sandwiches and old rotten fruits, just so i don't have to FEEL the pain of not having at least Her in my life. I had gotten to the point where i asked my self 'what's the point of living anymore? Why go on?"

And, my friend, it is these things. Life is worth living because after being clean i have a new found sense of purpose and self-value and self-love. Life is worth living, simply, for the sun setting behind the mountains and, for a few minutes the mountains are just a silhouette against the rainbow of colors that is the sky, and it looks like the most beautiful painting that nobody ever did, and i weep. Life is worth living, to sit in a park while you're going through the worst part of your withdrawl from Her and all you want to do is get high or end your life because, that would be so much easier than having to put up with this suffering. When suddenly, you notice the wind move across the grass and bushes, up into the trees and then hear a choir of birds singing, and for a moment, just a moment, you forget about your pain, you forget about your suffering, and focus on something amazing and beautiful and. Life is worth living, for all of the people who suddenly, came into your life and help you and support you, even though they didn't know you before, but don't care because, they see the potential in you and remind you to see it within yourself. Life is worth living....because you're a beautiful human being. And yes, you've made mistakes in the past, but I’m here to tell you, when-ever you feel like you're all alone. When you're sleeping on the streets, or roaming them to try and figure out a way to get a hold of that ***** ******, when you feel like you have zero support. Know this...Know that you at least have me in some way. Know that i support you as a human being, and that i would help and will help you if i can because I’ve been there, roaming the streets, eating out of dumpsters, wishing I would just die, I’ve been there. Know that, even though i don't know you, or that I may have never met you. I love you and have hope for you.
Because, you're more than ******, and you’re more than any kind of drug/ vice. You're a living, breathing, human being with feelings and hopes, desires, fears and dreams. YOU are a human being and you deserve to be treated like one.

I walk through the door
the manager walks passed turns
and stares as if he has forgotten
to say something
but i'm on fire
I hold the withdrawl thing in my right hand
the tellers are all so
willing to help
I walk over to the teller
the most nervous one
use my withdrawl slip
slide it across the polished counter
she hands me a pen
tries to smile
i make my withdrawl
get my money
and
slip the pen
slowly
carefully into my
back pocket

The more time I spent with you,
the more addictive I became
and the more I needed you every day.

Being away from you gave me withdrawl.
The more I put you into my head,
the more dependent I became on you.

I didn't love you.
I don't think.
It was the idea that you made me feel safe
and helped me escape my own thoughts

I loved the idea of you
The idea of happiness
of a good, impossible thing.

And now that you are becoming
more and more distant
My mind is too.

In my chemical dependency class we have to write down days sober chemically, and says sober emotionally.

Days sober chemically: 55
Days sober emotionally: 75

But they don’t ask how many days it has been since I thought of you.

They don’t teach you how to control cravings for a person.

I could write a book on ways
to control the urges to smoke a joint,
but I am helpless as
to how to prevent myself from texting you.

I don’t have withdrawl symptoms from *** or *****.

I do have symptoms
of a broken heart.
I can’t remember the last time
I used, but I can remember the
last time I felt your skin
against mine.

Last time I took a shot was,
I don’t remember when.
Last time I felt your lips
against mine,
was on the 29th of
November.

I don’t have a craving for **** or *****,
but I do have a craving for you.

I can stop smoking whenever I want.
I can stop drinking whenever I want.

But I can’t quit you.
Because, baby, you’re the monkey on my back.

You don’t encourage me to drink or smoke,
You encourage me by existing.
They say that we all have the power to be sober,
But, what if I don’t want to be sober?

Because when I become sober from you,
Is when you have passed through.

every girl just looks so **** good
I try not to be a lion on the prowl
bite my lips & take the drag of a cigarette
I need to help restrain myself, to
breath in the fresh air and constrain
myself; don't pounce girl, you've got this.
but he's still the name I call to while dreaming
the hands I want on me
the lips I need to be kissed by
& the air I dare to breathe.
He is the man who moves me
try to understand, he's the magic man
shifts me inside in ways
no wife I covet can.
He's the one I'm nervous to lie with
scared I'll lose myself in the thought of him
that's all it is, really: the illusion,
the daydreams of a girl who lives
more in her head than in the world
distant sometimes hazy others
& totally unreachable occasionally.
I wish I could have him
under my skin
but I'm not ready
to deal with the consequences
of being his girl.
I'd love to
live beside his shadow
the relief that washes over me
when he says my name
erodes the disorder
lifts my eyes from my feet
makes my heart
swell & body melt.
it's the kind of contentment
that I know will destroy me
in the withdrawl.
it's the kind of baby young love
that encapsulates the happy victims
imprisons you in the sugar & honeycomb sweet wonderland
that turns sour when you relax in the beauty
& forget that lambs
are often lions, too.

Is there a doctor in the house?
I think I'm having southern withdrawl symptoms
shakes and such
brain a blubbering mess
why give one so much feeling
if they can't get rid of it healthily?
Too much for one body to handle
maybe throw in another personality
nothing bad ever happend
just a technical problem during manufacturing
a wire connected wrong
or not connected at all
amygdala super sensitive
looking for comfort in wrong places
stupid faces
blazing aces
therapists are kind but really need a map
words only convey so much
can't help if they can't understand
whose fault is that?
Probably the broken robot
me
doesn't speak in proper vernacular
accustomed to being freakish and safe
greasing joints with *****
circuit boards of tofu scramble
electric feed back every once in a while
when I cough
perhaps new meds will calm overactive internal reactions
or maybe being all vulnerable to candy hearted young men
spilling secrets and insecurities to friends
but they'll all leave
right?
Europeans had no problem taking over lands
staying with natives
eating their foods
but if the natives had shared their deepest secrets and feelings
pilgrims would have gladly returned home for persecution
than to put up with an emotional Squanto.

I can't stand you
And the way you make me ache
At three in the morning
When I long for your whispers
And a shot of novacaine
To my heart
From where it pains me to hear the words
Or to think that I'm nothing more then Idle
And Stupid
When the clock strikes four the acid in my veins is all too much to bare
And the creaking in my bones is the echo of your heart beat

I poured the cold coffee into the sink
and watched as it spiraled down
the drain.
I haven't used sugar to sweeten my sleep supplement in years.
I need to learn that this blackness will never fill the hole in my chest,
it will never make the ache go away.
That sleepless nights are not enough
punishment for the wrongs I've done.
That dragging my feet, and rubbing my blood shot eyes,
cannot make up for the hearts I've hurt.

the craving runs deep,
clawing into her,
asking her to sink,
into what she once was.
sliding into a paradox,
no longer caring at all-
torn into nothing,
soon will be my porcelin doll.
beauty unmasked,
soon i won't see,
for the end of herself,
is all that will be.
i watch her destruction,
the death of who she was,
turn to be forgotten,
as if forever lost.

Withdrawl means different things for different drugs.
For my drug it means irritability, headaches, and hunger.
There are ways to prevent it.
I could chew sunflower seeds or **** on a lollipop or ride a bike.
But I'd rather smoke.
I'd rather pick a half smoked cigarette out of an ashtray, lightly burn the end of the filter (to **** germs. Gotta keep it healthy.) and smoke it, than chew sunflower seeds.  
I'd rather jump out my window at two AM, walk two blocks, reach into the cab of a pickup and take a pack of cigarettes than **** on a lollipop.
I'd rather ditch school, say I'm too sick to go, stay home and smoke cigarettes and read a book all day, than ride a bike.
And I do.
And I do.
And I do.
Yes, I do.

I am an alcoholic
i used to smoke and drink
But now my drug of choice
is notebook paper and ink

I can't get enough
it goes right to my head
Keep my pen and pad
right next to my bed

I'm a ****** when
it comes to composition
Used to scratch tickets
another sad addiction

In the distant past
stocked up on bottles of *****
Now it's ink and paper
that I wisely choose

I love to scribble,
compose and formulate
Of my poetry I have
a jealous mate

I write at night
So as not to ignore him
But this is important
it's not jut a whim

When I'm out of paper or ink
I go thru withdrawl
An envelope, a sticky note
most anything to scrawl

Verse, rhyme, sonnet, rondeau
I really love it all
If I'm not careful I'll
Start penning on the wall

Try to write a poem daily
I need to get my fix
Limerick, Haiku it
doesn't matter the mix

It's an addiction
I can take and run
It helps inside
And is lots of fun

I still wake up in a panic
wondering where you are,
Not remembering til i think hard ....
oh ya she left me ...And it's hard

Cause seven years of waking up
From night terrors to u by my side
Is now the backdrop for a cruel
Joke when I forget u said bye

Some nights I actually deny
The fact inside my sick head
And tell myself ur in the bathroom
So I can go back to bed

Less poetic and more
Pathetic trust me I know
But withdrawl from love is the worst
Withdrawl &Trust; me i would know

But don't think I don't know
I'm better off with u travellin
So I'm either ******* plain
Stupid or really like the challengin'

I guess it's hard imaginin'
A day now that me u and Ju
Can ever sit down together and
After all we been through

That's sad but I know that
We can't even be friends now
Ur a pig headed chicken head with
horse powered madness of mad cow

A sheep who always follows
Temptation as ur wool is over
Ur eyes and even if not ur sights
Still obstructed til ur sober

but "oh baby baby it's
A wild world...
It's hard to get by
just Upon a smile girl"

And I may miss u and still
I love u but I hate u equally
And u can visit ur son still just
because u can't have him legally

&Tak;; him for the night don't
mean U should write him off
And make him suffer for choices
u made resulting in u now not

Being able to take him
when the **** will u awaken
How many hearts must u be breakin
He shouldn't be feeling Forsaken

So whenever ur done vacation
At Club prescription Med
Maybe u should come Visit ur son
Before u overdose and are dead

But I said what I said I'd say
Plus more so ill walk away
From this poem like u did the
Home we built for 7years but hey

U were never very sentimental
Just very mental I guess
But I'm never far if u truly need
me just look in a mirror at ur chest

"Your on my heart just like a tattoo"
- Jordan sparks-

-Knowledge "hater" Gonzalez-

you've made me feel more than anyone else ever has
love, desire, affection, warmth
all of those feelings are gone now
i'm not fully sure how to function without the emotions you've engraved so deeply within me
the passion for life you gave me is gone
everything you ever gave me is gone
just like you

When the panic attacks lift,
when my feet are propped up,
when my yoga is namaste
when i crawl into bed.
Can these be the highlights?
    not only of today, but also of tomorrow?
When you've moved alone,
   and when your Jesus is low,
there isn't much left.
Loneliness is the loneliest
for such a lovely word to say,
it has such depth and meaning I never had known.
That is, before I discovered loneliness myself;
here, in the fortress, darling.
When lonely sets in, it starts with:
skin.
A simple shake off, shower or run will subdue it.
But then it creeps into:
muscle.
Then family, friends, and laughter will conquer it.
Soon, alas, it is settling deep in the:
bones.
Then family, *** and joy, are last resorts, and they will dominate it.
Don't, my dear, let it lodge home in your:
lungs.
Then and only then will all of the above be able to
pull, drag and lift you out of the loneliness.

like the clown said to the boy-i’ll show you how to float
of euphoria-we’ll wear the coat

and we will. i’ll caress your lips and cary you high
you’ll be looking down at the stars; not up; the emptiness will terrify

we will swim through the clarity
and dance in the serenity

we’ve probably got an addiction
because the highs unsafe; causing the tempermental fear of friction

i promise you one thing. we will never come down.
keep snorting untill you feel the crown

the crown of heaven, the call to angels. i pray we’ll never fall
but we will, we will, we will. never forget how it feels to withdrawl

promises broken and dead cells cover the mind
we’ve fell, we’ve fell so far. it’s hard to leave something like this behind

it lingers-destroys us-suicidal thoughts arrive
can we feel it? i don't think we're going to survive

I was only spreading the good news being an encouraging Christian word
But the fact is, you have already heard
A time will come when you wish you took my word in
My writing will continue and it’s not the end
My Christian words are a reinforce
True, you have a choice to accept or reject
That is your own accord being an elect
In life, there are many options and that’s individual select
The Lord’s word stands alone
This is every day being shown
I may have one less follower
But life goes on
It’s a new day, and I am enlightened beyond my yond
But it’s every day encouragement, and I have the Lord to look upon.

When I look at you,
I see nothing but your eyes -
Those beautiful brown orbs -
And I hear your voice in song,
Singing as if only to me
From above on your stage.

What I feel is another story,
Of another genre entirely.
As I go beneath that creamy skin,
All the pain begins to resonate in a way
Your guitar can only imagine -
Every note from you contained within.

Are we talking the mental or the physical,
When the scars all stay the same
Whether they're tears shed
Or more drops bled by and by?
I see that false ecstasy
Overlaying that torment hidden within.

The pain of seeing boy after boy
Playing the game to gain
What you always know they want,
Hoping time and again that it's not.
Morning lies rise with the sun to wake you,
Acting as if you never knew.

When you get home,
Sitting in your room, curtains drawn
- The darkness a close friend -
Contemplating your railroad track arms,
Wondering how it got you from no to Yak to Smack;
How to catch the mainline to noon?

You arrive on time every time.
Climb aboard as you lay back,
Finding your secret ecstasy in this life of misery,
Wishing it didn't have to be this way,
Wondering why you let it get this far -
How do you find time for more?

But this time, from the dark of your room,
As you watch your stop come and go,
You take it one stop too far.
Keep to your seat and let the dice roll.
You've always known it to take the toll:
Seeing your feet submerge in the tar.

That beautiful white hue turns ice blue,
a color that has always become you.
Breathing slows and falls in line,
Same as the rest it knows best -
This drowning has been long time coming -
And it's not scary as you thought it could be.

So now you climb to the front of the bus,
Driver says, "Sorry, ***, they're no return trips",
But as the door opens, the light blinds in.
Sirens blare and voices begin,
Surging into motion returning you to withdrawl reality.
Voices from Angels of men, giving you one last chance to live again.

Maybe it's your lips
Maybe it's your eyes
Maybe it's your touch
Maybe it's your little lies

Captivate me in your lustful charm, kiss me down as you mean no harm.
Alarmed, I am the ****** goddess, I'll ride you til' you feel inburdened of your sins, til' you come back for more, til' it's me that you lustfully want to lure.
Your lustful cure... Incurable but desirable, mystical and sensual... My touch will evaporate your being of existence as you will only crave me more... I am your lust drug....
Addictive, Withdrawl.

Satisfy you with my every sensual intention, grasp my breath and give me my deserved attention.

I am a queen, royalty, in vain.
I won't apologise as I quite enjoy it messy...
Spank me hard and **** me...
Our birthday suit...
**** me til' I'm too tired to leave you.
Numb all emotions and get onto my level, it's all about the ***, the drugs, and the life we are livin'...
Faded, gone, no attachments...
Just pure lustful passive aggression.

i'm wasted on the girl i love
the buzz ended long ago
but i dream of being sober again
because this hangover will certainly **** me

i'm high from her eyes
and her smile it gets me ripped
but some days i get carried away
and the burnout makes me want to quit

so hit me with another round
shot by shot, i'm alone
somebody, please, call a cab
'cause i can't make make it on my own

love poisoning has got the best of me
lay me down before i fall
because love itself is more addicting than coke
and losing it; worse than withdrawl.

No one is chasing you,
But no one is looking to you.

Please love anyway.
Because if you get a say,
We will need you
To light the day.

Who are you,
When no one is around?
Who are you when they're lost?
Who were you when you're found?

Lost, lurking in the shadows,
"We won't back down,"
You grasp their thread tight,
"We can't go down without a fight."

Did anyone
Ever let you believe
That you should be
Loved unconditionally?

Your eyes reflect the sunrise,
Which leads me to surmise
That this was disguised--
That this never felt right.

Yet here you are
Standing so tall
While you bear
The weight of it all
On shoulders so brittle,
On shoulders so small.

You keep moving,
There's no way you're losing.
You'll give it your all,
You'll never stay where you fall.

You reach up towards
Every hope
You're fighting for.
You stretch yourself so far,
Just to comfort the stars.

You hold light within your palms,
If you love one
Then you have it all,
Because love without faith
Is just emotional withdrawl.

You're the hope
That has me reaching,
The love that has me preaching,
And every promise
I intend on keeping.

Because the world keeps sleeping
When support is what you're needing.
So the lights fade low,
You ask yourself
"Where did the time go?"

But don't you already know?
You have length to show,
No strength in rows.

You count the hours,
You call the crows.
So grab your shadow,
Replace your ammo.

You know what to do,
You've got something to prove.
You give it all you've got,
Because you got a lot to lose.

From the eager age of three, my mother taught me not to draw on myself, or I would get ink poisoning. Every time ink touched me, I'd wash it away with a warm cloth and some lingering worry. You wrote our initials on my ankle in deep blue pen, and I kept my left leg out of the bath for a week.
At the spritely age of eight, my mother made me promise never to talk to strangers. I kept my head down and my walls built high and I never said a peep to a stranger wrapped in shadow.
The first day I met you, I lay all my secrets down on that warm summer concrete and watched while you picked through them. (You didn't mind.)
Twelve years old, with a crooked, hopeful smile and my mother sat me down to talk about drugs. Those crazy, tempting things that will take away all your inhibitions and make you forget the very lessons that formed who you are. More addictive than anything you've ever had. They'll make you feel higher than the empire state building; without them, you'll go through a withdrawl worse than anything. A coexistent dependancy that will take over yourself. She reeled off a listen of words; Esctasy, LSD, ******, Crack. Somehow, she forgot to mention your name.

I want to bring it up
can we talk about it, like really,
till im ready to bring it all out,
I worry over the inconsistancies of my speech.

will I always be this broken?
will I always crave your touch late at night or early morning?
i watch the time crawl ,
and all i want to do is  crawl  back to you.

and im tired of waiting,
waiting for you to catch up
or get the hell out but your withdrawl could be the death of me
i wonder if this is me dying
me bruised and forever bleeding
here again im left blinded stumbling and crying.

Move on
As your fingernails grow

Cutting your hair back month by month
And I wonder

What is it you're running away from?
What is it you see when you close your eyes
And why are you so afraid of it?
I'll make up some exscuse
Put on cruise control
Light my cigarette
Whatever
*******
The sun hasn't come up yet and I have a long drive home

I imagine I'll find some sleep somewhere out in that dark
Between here and home

I'm afraid of what is happening to me
I think I'm becoming a monster
Nausea and numbness
Withdrawl symptoms keeping me awake

Head back home, son
I try not to *****
I try to keep the wheels in the center of the road
I try not to think about you
As I fall asleep at the wheel
But you come to me in these vibrant dreams
Full of color and light
And you tell me things like:
Go home
Forget about me