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Jack Turner Apr 2014
Let me begin this with an apology.
An apology for the way I have been acting lately.
I do not know what I was hoping to achieve,
But I know it created nothing of what I want.

Let me begin this with an apology.
An apology that I know cannot ever encompass
Anything near what it ever rightfully should,
But for you I will still try none-the-less.

I don't ever want to lose you.
For over the last two years you have been my best friend.
Through the good and the bad, it has been us unto the end,
And to hear you say otherwise has turned my world on end.

Regardless of the fact that you might be moving on,
I can only ever be happy for you, and
I told you I would always be here for you, always.
And I do my best to keep my promises and my word.

I don't ever want to lose you.
I know that I may lose bits and pieces as we live and grow,
I don't ever want to lose you,
Your friendship I value over all others, that I know.

You are a part of me, something which you've made clear to me.
For better or worse that's the way it's going to be.
It's simply a fact from which there is no escaping,
And you know what? That's fine with me.

You are my sun. High in my sky.
When I think of you, it brightens my life.
I know I haven't been acting the way these words say.
For that, I hope you might accept my sincerest apology.

You and I were best of friends, something which we said would stay.
I lost sight of that, I strayed from the path.
If you're willing to give it a try, it's something I'd like to get back,
Because I value your friendship and I'd like it there in the end.

Let me end this with an apology.
An apology for my immaturity, the worst of me.
For all we've been through you deserve more.
If you give me the chance, I'll make it up to you with every word.

You are my sun.
You are part of me.
You were my best friend.
Hurting you is something I cannot forgive.

And if you cannot either,
I will understand.
I'm sorry.
This is my apology.
For Victoria.
Jack Turner Apr 2014
Incisive words dissect me,
Open me up for you to see
What was really inside.
You pried me apart still alive
Just to watch me squirm and writhe.

I could see it in the cast of your eyes.
You were obviously hurt by my actions, and
You wanted to see the exact moment when
That knife hit home inside,
To strike out at the one who has been
The source of all your woes.
A violent lashing out of a wounded soul,
One who is cornered with no way out.

You hit home. Yes, you hit your mark.
To some extent I did earn that barb.
But those exact words?
I think you went too far.

You say you've held back with me,
Well I've played that same game as well.
There have been times in our long, drawn-out history
Where I had some words to say,
Which I then tempered to remove
A large portion of the sting.
This time around,
You let me have it straight out, by and large.
You made me want to tell you out,
To return the favor, same for same.

But no, that will not be the way.
I'll keep it to myself and refrain
From loosing anymore inflammatory words
Into the air between you and I,
          Because I still do care.

My feelings have done anything but abate,
Merely changing, evolving to something else.
Because of this, I will hold back, as
Anything I might say in this second
Would be tainted with anger and spite, and
You and I need anything but that.

I love you.
Your words make it hard to believe
That they came from someone
Who I might care for.

I am Immature. I do not dispute hat.
I did not know how to handle
The situation in which we were placed.
I did not know what to do, so
I ignored you because I could not afford
To give in to these emotions towards you,
Especially when I am unexpectedly exposed
To you and then left in close proximity.

It would be all too easy to fall
Back to my original mentality towards you,
Held back as it already is with a failing veil.
          I love you.
I am just not in the right place
To give you fully everything you deserve.

So, in the Immature fashion of who I am,
I did the only thing I could
To prevent my exposure to my own emotions -
          I shut it out. I shut you out.

It was the worst route. I know that now.
It's clear to me. I heard it in the anguish in your strangled voice.
I panicked, and I did what I know.
I reverted to what's programmed in me.
I repressed everything. I ignored you.
          Because it kept me from feeling those words.

          I Love You.

I am sorry. It will never be enough.
You are the world to me.
I will never be enough. I will never be able to prove that.
I am nothing of what you deserve.
I deserved your every word.
For Victoria.
May you never read this.
May you ever be happy.
Jack Turner Apr 2014
I pushed you out,
And you let me out in the rain.
I took you back
And you pushed me out to sea.

Months later when I finally feel
That I've reached the shore
And have solid ground beneath my feet,
You knock me down,
Prove that is pure fantasy.
The invention of the siren song
Played to me in my revery.
I can see I'm still lost at sea.

I can never tell you how I feel.

I can never let you know
     That I meant every word I ever said,
          And that I'm still controlled by that in my head.

You turned away.
You let me out.
I have nowhere to go
And it still hurts inside.

It was wonderful to see you,
Even if I couldn't look at you.
It was a delight to be near you,
Even forced to ignore you as I was.
I do miss you, more than ever, more than even I know,
But it's something I must never tell you.
Never. I love you.
I hope I never see you again.
Jack Turner Apr 2014
Life goes on. Lesson learned.
Patience is the key. Yet again, it gets the best of me.
I had you. I loved you.
Then I forced you away.
I should have held you close, kept you tight.
Instead, I tried to rush you through,
And let you out into the night.
It happened so fast, this reversal.
I'm still unsure what happened.
I lost you before I ever had you. Im still reeling.
Lesson learned. Life goes on.
I loved you. I live knowing
What I did to you,
And what you still do to me.
Jack Turner Apr 2014
I have nothing left.
I never truly got past
How I felt,
My feelings for you.

My eyes so bright,
Excited by the light
At the sight
Of the one, of you.

I'm ok, I'm alright.
I know I'm not.
I hate you in the moment.
I still love you.

I live a lie.
I tell you a lie.
I'm done with you.
You are out of my life.

Yet seeing you again
Tells me I'm done.
The knife to my diaphragm.
I'm not over you.

So what do I do?
I ignore you as best I can.
I don't look at you
So you can't read my eyes,
So you can read my lies.

I have nothing for you.
You've moved on in ways I've proved
That I am well and truly incapable of.

My body aches and my body hurts
With the sorrow that I cover
To never let you see
The wounds I carry deep inside of me.

Back on our last day
You drove a shard deep in my core,
A fragment that I never could remove.
I can't let you see
That you still control me.

I'm lost.
My mind is gone.
Theres nothing here for me.
I am nothing to you.

I hate you.
So infinitely with everything that is me.
And I love you.
Uncontrollably, devastatingly.
I never want to be happy.
There's nothing left to believe.

Please, just go away.
I want it no more.
Please, leave me be.
You've paid me back and more,
I am ravaged to the core.
There's nothing left of me.
You've left nothing to me.

I burn brightly in the silence
Of the fires of my own making.
Jack Turner Apr 2014
Why do you reappear now?
I thought I was done with you?
My heart was finally clear and clean.
You meant nothing to me.

The moment I saw your eyes again,
Everything came back.
My heart, my thoughts,
Everything I ever said,
I want you to know, I meant it.

My life has not been the same.
It will never be the same.
You were more special to me
Than you ever knew,
And more special than you will ever know.
You never will.

I will **** myself
With the effort to bury this deep inside,
Never to let these thoughts see the light of day.
You're happy with things as they lie.
Happy is what I desire for you.

I will survive this.
Jack Turner Apr 2014
There you were, out on the dance floor.
I had not laid eyes on you in months.
You've grown, become something magnificent,
A budding young woman.
I can see a glow, a personal awareness,
That was never there before.

You have gained a level of self-confidence.
It radiates off you, and you have no clue.
You are beautiful, self-assured.

And you are happy.
It's everything I could have hoped for you.
You are happy.
He makes you happy.
You are content with life.
I am happy for you. It's true.

You try to initiate a hello, and I say hi.
How are you? I'm doing fine.
Forcing myself to keep you at arms length.
I can't look at you for fear
That you might read the lie.

But I am happy for you.
You deserve nothing less than what you've gained.
You don't need me in your life.
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