You say I don't try,
Well how could I try if I'm not even in the state of mind to breathe?
How could I try if my head is in the wrong space,
The space where nothingness prevails and I'm on a single track hurtling towards self-destruction?
How could I try if I'm so busy attempting to stay alive?
How could I try if all I ever feel is dead?
My emotions and thoughts swirl around so violently that it's like a hurricane in my head and it's all I can ever do to stay afloat.
It's all I can ever do just to wake up in the morning and go on another day.

But I can't tell you that.
If I told you that, you'd ask me why,
As if I need a reason that suits you.
As if all the therapy in the world could help and as if there's anything you could do to fix it when you know **** well that you can't.
As if it's just a simple little fix and pills will cure me,

But I can't tell you that.

Every night nearly,
I've wished to hold you dearly.
And every morning at three,
Your memory creeps up on me.
But fear not, dear,
We weep long into the night when no one can hear.
****** hearts aren't beneath us,
In the absence of truth plus
The trust
And the lust
And consumed by fire
We are put on the pyre.

I arrive at your doorstep, flowers in hand,
To surprise you on this beautiful day in June.
Your birthday, and the perfect day to take you out,
Could there be nothing more excellent than this?

I ring your doorbell and stand there for a minute,
And then you open the door,
Swollen eyes and a tearstained face.
Darling what's the matter?

I try to console you,
But you only push me away.
Saying that you are sorry.
Whatever you've done, why should I be mad at you?

I attempt to hold you ,
And then you begin to scream
At the top of your lungs.
How long did you say it was since?

I am confused now,
If you say that you eat double now,
And that you and I brought life here,
Then why should you be sad?

I do not understand,
And you begin crying again.
'It is the product of another man!'
And now I wonder why?

I understand now,
And I am frozen dead in my tracks,
I drop the flowers and walk out the door
Do I dare look back?

I can hear you crying behind me and I drop to my knees in your front yard.
For hours I sit as your wails die down,
You bring out a beer for me and a soda for yourself.
And I ask you 'how long?'

You reply with 'only a few weeks'
And to follow I ask who.
Somber, you cannot remember,
Only that you were not willing and could not recall much.

We gaze unto the stars and what a whirlwind these hours have been,
Conversing until dawn.
And everything remains calm as I carry you back inside,
Sleeping in my arms.

On your bed I lay you,
And beside you I stay until you are deep in slumber,
Peaceful and the flowers now in a vase.

I touch your stomach and I can nearly feel the life within.
Life jumps beneath your closed eyelids.

Considering the circumstance, I cannot think of a better way to spend this June day.

I'm going to write a poem today.
Delete
I am going to be better today
Delete
I fell in love again today...
Delete
I don't know what to say
delete.
.

Always. Being referred to someone else.
What option do I have but to follow this wild goose chase for the sake of other people?
It isn't just me, and we aren't invalid just because we are small in number.
We matter too,
Or do you opt to forget that because we aren't a sports team?
Every year, we have been shoved into a corner of the room, even a different room.
When we aren't doing that, we are made to do the work of the class while they practice.
Do you think a little inclusion goes a long way?
That they, sharing the workload this year, would make us feel better?
There are times when we feel like dogs.
To be shoved aside and forgotten, summoned only when we're needed.
Winter is the time for lack of basic human respect.

There is a place where
I go to clear my conscience
But I can not stay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The winds will blow new
But the sky remains the same
Time and time again.

I'll see you in a month,
You're leaving today.
I'm scared, I'm worried, and I know you are too
But you're going to be fine,
I'll see you sometime
I'll think of you at night
You're gonna be alright
Think of me often
Work on yourself
Take this picture
And put it on your bedroom shelf
See what it could be
What you want it to be
See how happy you make me
This picture, the memory.
Breathe in, breathe out,
Fight off all the doubt
That I love you so much
I promise it won't be so bad.
I'll see you when you get back.

So there we were, stuck in time
Countless days and countless nights
We feel how we feel,
We can't deny
That this is what it is
It's what it's going to be
You're leaving me for a while
But I'm not gonna cry
I'm gonna hold on and wait for you
And smile when you come back to me
Smile when you walk through those doors
When you stand taller
When you smile bigger
When you laugh louder
I will be there,
Arms open waiting for you to come home.

I remember the Sunday, and in your cold car,
We did all we could to look at the stars.
Without freezing our hands
And without getting out to stand,
We tried our best, and we were earnest,
But the stars were out of our reach.

There was once a time when I believed that I must do all I can to keep you.
But that was before I realized you didn't show me the real you.
So I asked, and I pleaded,
Please be who you really are.
And the day you did that,
Your eyes became the stars.

Dearest, where are you?
Please don't go.
Is your memory all that I will have?

Dearest, where are you?
I've begun to wander this lonely house at night
Have you really gone for good?

Dearest, where are you?
This place is too large for me all by myself.
I've no idea what to do.

Dearest, where are you?
Please tell me you'll return.
I need to feel you near me.

Dearest, where are you?
I'm soon to come visit you.
Will we be together again?

Dearest, where are you?
I'm arriving at the gates.
Will you welcome me in?

Dearest,
I'm trapped in this cage. Can you see me?
Please forgive me, they say that I'm not well.
I'm told that you're alright. They told me that I will be fine.
Will I ever see you again?

Dear Teacher,
What have I learned from you?

The world is not really as it seems
And now I know what '*******' really means.

I know that the world won't stop for me,
Not matter how bad I wish it to.

That no matter what,
Trying won't get you anywhere, but doing will.

That no matter where,
What I learned is really useful.

That no matter when,
There is always time to read, think, and analyse.

Thank you for teaching me this year.

Envy
When you see me with him
And you wish
I was yours.

Lust
In your eyes as you take my head
In your hands
And kiss me like you've wanted to

Greed
I am in your hands,
And only yours.
But you want more

Gluttony
You take what is yours
And I give willingly
I keep on giving, and you keep taking

Sloth
As we lay,
Tired
Exhausted from the work we've done

Pride
When you show me off to your friends at the bar
And you have a few drinks,
Leaving sloppy kisses on my cheeks while they laugh

Wrath
When we are home, and I am too tired to give
Your hands gripping my hair as you yell,
And you finally set free the demon within

Is it okay if I hold your hand as we walk down this lonely street?
It's cold and there are only a few lights,
Please, I'm scared.

I cannot apologize enough for what I'm to do in the upcoming weeks.
For leaving you,
Ignoring you.

I am sad because his year has brought me so much, brought me you.
But my head will not let me keep you.
I must let go, for I am afraid.

Beyond, in fact.

I am terrified.
That this year will trap me.
That I will have no idea who I am.

But little will I know,

I am no one without you.

Tonight,
I wanna kiss you in a room full of people while they laugh and chat among themselves and pay no attention to us.
Tonight,
I want you to open the presents I got for you and I want to open the ones you got for me, and I want to hug you.
Tomorrow,
I want to spend the day with you, chowing down on takeout-chinese and watching movies all day.
Tomorrow,
I want to waste a sleepy day with you and pass out in a heap on the couch, tired just because.

People often ask me
How I ward off my demons,
And I can never answer them.
It so happens the truth is that
I don't ward them off
When it is just easier
To embrace them.

You think you can't be saved
And that no one would adore you,
That if you are wretched, you cannot be divine.

But divinity is for the gods,
Oracles could not have forseen
What you would do to me.

That every word you speak
Would be a brazen network of fire in my ears,
And every breath of yours would be an arctic storm on my skin.

It's been months.
I've not seen or heard from you,
And I still miss you.

Regardless of your current whereabouts,
I would still give anything.
I would drive all night just to see you for an hour.

There's a sound I remember.
It came to me long ago, and it never went away.
It might be faint now, but I can still hear the sound drifting from the halls and into the door, throughout it and then to the lot where it was soft and comforting to me so many years ago.
It came through the air on a Tuesday night and while it was first a sign of passing time,
It soon became a bell that chimed to me my laughter and joy.
I would become excited at the sound which others thought noise,
A low sound that would crash like cymbals and a high sound that would whisper the names of all the people in it.
It would laugh with me and tell me the jokes of a twelve year old boy,
It would roll on the sidewalk like a skateboard and off my tongue like water on wax.
It was smooth and sweet and young, it was cluelessness and wonder,
And I never wanted it to go away.

But I left the sound once,
And when I returned it was in a different note,
It laughed a smaller laugh,
And it's previously boisterous self was a shadow
Of everything it could have been,

Words say nothing,
If there is no emotion behind them.
Poets cannot speak,
If they don’t have a paper or a pen.

Words help escape,
The great escape of me,
The only way to get out
Is to use poetry

Every word a world,  
Every line a century.
A story told in each stanza,
A new era unfurled.

Save me from your false enlightenment.
Spare me your condescension.

I don't want your 'salvation,'
I don't need your 'forgiveness.'

I am getting what I deserve,
And nothing can save me.

There's no point in trying to delay
My inevitable fate.

Take me to a place where I can be with you.
A place where the ocean meets the sky
And the sunset on the horizon is painted by God's best artisans.

Take me to a place where you'd hold my hand
In a deep evergreen forest,
Lush with thick foliage and dewy from rain.

Take me to a place where I can taste the sweetest fruits on your lips,
Where my senses are overjoyed by a multitude of flavours,
Each one reminding me of you.

Take me to a place,
A field,
The moon and stars shining
And a night as clear as mountain waters.
Take me to that field,
Where the grass grew tall
And hay bales were laid alongside us.
Where the ground was mostly dry
But still damp,
Where regardless, we laid down among the carrot lace
And you were beneath me,
My very definition of beauty.
The moon in your stormy-blue eyes
And a smile playing at your lips
When suddenly,
Your smile disappeared and you looked right at me,
Lips parted.
Instinct took me,
And although inexperienced,
We worked together like oiled machines
With all our gears functioning.
It was the first and the last time,
Coldest and hottest.
It was a raging inferno
And an arctic storm.
I felt like I was stolen of breath
But given new air.
You filled my lungs and intoxicated me,
But I could have never been more sober.

Take me to that place again.

In the meantime I'll be fine
I know we'll meet another time
In my dreams, I can see
That you're like the warm and dry
While I walk this stormy line
A path that's never free, a path only for me
Somewhere you may never go
A place that you will never know
A room where I am trapped
No idea where I am at
No idea how to stop feeling
When it's my heart that you're stealing,
We will meet again
When my heart can tell my mind we're over.
When my heart and mind collide
One is wrong, and one is right,
Can I look past the dark?
Can I see into the light?

I want to hold you
And trap you in the sap of these pines
Because I know you would not run,
You find beauty in the ugliest of places.

I want to lock you in a cedar box
And leave you be until you beg my name
Because I know you like the smell,
You always were more with nature than I.

I want to hang you up in a great oak
For the whole world to see
Because I know you think you're wretched,
But you're beautiful to me.

And I will soon forget your name and face,
Just as you forgot I even existed.

I wanna be riding a high
All the ******* time
If it means I can forget all about you
And who you are
And what you said
And the promises you made but never kept.

I wanna be stumbling drunk
If it means all I can smell is the liquor on my lips
And it means I can't remember your scent anymore.

I wanna lose everything so I know how good it was
And I don't think I want to feel good anymore
I think I just want to die
But I can't say that, can I?

Forgetting you,

Forgetting who,
Forgetting anything and everything, too.
It feels like that's what I'm meant to do.
When I still see you
And I feel like I lose.
Forgetting who?

Forgetting you.

"I feel great knowing I'm not trusted."
I followed you home because I know that you're going through some things.
I wanted to make sure you were okay.
I sped to catch you
On C towards your house.
I got to the blinking light before you did
And hit 100 passing a grand prix.
Behind you, I slowed
It took forever to reach you.
My car was screaming 'stop'
But I knew I couldn't.
It had been all day,
All week,
All month,
Since I had seen you.
And finally when I had gotten the chance,
It was stripped away because of time.
And little had you known,
I was in town the whole time.
I was in my car for 6 hours waiting.
I was waiting for you.

Hello friends,
Or friends I once knew,
How are you?

I wish I could reach out,
But the words won't come-
I'm long past seeing the light of the sun

All the people close to me
I can count on one hand
I forgot everyone else via my own command.

For that I apologize,
Sometimes I miss you guys.
And sometimes I wonder where you are and what you're doing with your lives.

Surely you're doing better than me,
Who can't find the words to say
Or the ***** to even begin speaking,

Perhaps you miss me, perhaps not.
For this is up to you,
All I can say now is that
You're friends that I'm glad I once knew.

I see her,
Sitting there with him
Sitting there with anyone
And I see
That she gets to be
Happy and loved
And she gets to have
Someone who's there
Someone to kiss
Someone to call
Someone to hold
She gets to love
Someone who speaks
And drives
And laughs
And cries
And someone who's always around
Never in jail
Never on drugs
Never suicidal
I get so jealous that she has love
That burns fiercely.
And although it doesn't last long,
I can only dream of experiencing that passion.

There is nothing like the color green.
Creation, and everything about youth,
Captured in green.
Envy,
Tranquility,
And renewal.
Found everywhere in nature
Because it is natural.
There is nothing like the color green.

And the next thing I know,
A car door slams outside.
Someone knocks on the front door
And then they walk inside,
But before they do, they ask if I'm here.
My heart is racing in a second-
What if it's you?
But then I see them
And my eyes take a second to adjust
And to see who it really is.
I hoped- I really hoped-
Maybe it was you.
But it wasn't
And I have to return to my waiting sit on the couch
Wait, I stood up that fast?
Wasn't I sitting before?
And before I knew it,
The waiting started again.

I can remember how I felt
Among the slush and mud beside us,
When our body heat mixed
And we intertwined like the branches of a tree
Twisting round and round
Each other
Like we never had any doubt about where we were meant to be.

I still remember when we kissed
For the first time.
And all the world around us
Made sense in rhyme.
And the moon in your eyes and the stars in mine,
We danced for two minutes that felt like a lifetime.

Hey love
Write me a song
Tell me about when the hard times are gone
Sing me a lullaby about true love and being free
Whisper in my ear "I'll always love you, baby"
Call me your princess and call me your girl,
I want you to know that you'll always be my world.
So I should sing a song about you, about us
About everything we went through,
About every little lust,
About every fallen tear and about every little doubt
I love you no matter what,
I loved you before, I still love you now.