You can't keep using your broken parts to fix someone else.
At some point they will be dropped into a jar and chucked at a wall.
They will break, and you will fall apart with them.

I miss writing and I miss photography but my insides are so ******* sad I can't breathe properly anymore. I have lost the love that made me able to do the things I was good at, I don't believe in it anymore so everything and everyone has stopped believing in me too.
I used to drink 3 cups of coffee every morning before school and my hands would shake and I would research space and go on long rants about it to everybody even though nobody cared but it didn't matter because I thought it was beautiful anyways
I was innocent and 14 years old and desperate for somebody to love me and I created beautiful things and beautiful art. I absorbed everything. I learned so much on my own. I was resilient.
Me and my manager were joking around and I went to say the word "chauffeur". I messed up and pronounced it 2 different ways, I asked him which one was correct. When he replied he jokingly asked if I could spell it, expecting me not to be able to. I did. He laughed and said "you know how to spell it but not how to say it?" I wanted to say I am used to knowing words but I am not used to being allowed to speak. I am used to knowing how to be quiet when people ask me to. I am used to knowing how to always be silent because I know somebody is eventually going to ask me to.
I am 18 years old and I don't know how to hug people. I do not believe in love so I do not need someone to love me. I do not create things or make art. The only things I absorb anymore are things that make me sad and they stay in me and I don't know how to get them out. I learn everyday how to be more quiet than the day before. I do not know how to write beautifully anymore and nothing inspires me. I do not bounceback after bad things happen to me anymore, I just find new ways to suppress them.
I don't know if any of this makes sense I know it just seems like random scenes juxtaposed together.
What my point is, what I'm trying to say is, don't lose your love. Don't lose your passion, your innocence, your ability to see the beauty in things. You will feel the ache every day, it is not something you can willfully, blissfully, ignore. It demands to be felt and the feelings that are gone will probably never come back to you.
Do not lose your love. Please, promise me. Do not lose your love.

I was sixteen
We started fires in graveyards
Had *** in public parks
At 2 a.m.
Drank stolen 12 packs behind abandoned factories
And played Nirvana without end

We smoked **** in ditches
And burned holes in our skin for fun
We kissed strangers
While closing our eyes
And imagining Jim Morrison

We popped unlabeled pills
We were put in psychiatric hospitals
We watched indie films
While we made our ****** art
We played basketball in a parking lot
After smoking fruity blunts

We found an abandoned mansion,
And slept in abandoned homes
We would get so drunk we wouldn't know where to go
We fell down hills and scraped our knees
We cut ourselves with dull blades
Crying in the shower, un-saved
We drank champagne alone
Crying to ourselves
In a lonely home

We blasted Pink Floyd and stared into each other's eyes
We watched Black Swan and walked home on the January ice
I said I wanted to be with you forever
But you became mad,
You said forever is too long

We rode in the back of cars at night
Singing Italian songs before the inevitable fight
We danced on beaches
And stripped in the sprinklers of dawn
Running through the lawns
We were outlaws
Bonnie and Clyde
Making a habit of destruction
So we could hide our sorry hearts.

People have ruined so many songs for me,
I hope yours is the one I get to play for the rest of my life.

HEY SOCIETY,
you don't really like us, so what do we do?
so we give in to stringing up all of our words
from our emotions and call it poetry
the same poetry that is left on the doorstep
at strictly three o'clock am in the morn
with the corners of the dollar store notebook torn
hey society, how about you share some of our
deep inner pain's blame?

SINCERELY,
the chaotic souls,
adrenaline junkies,
cursed delinquents,
paranoid teens,
and fluorescent adolescents.

"It was just a joke, stop being so serious."

I haven't been to church since I was 14.

At age 7,
I was introduced to my new baptist church.
I recited scriptures and played game and was always excited to go.

At age 12,
I was heading into middle school and won the church's bible challenge.
I was queer, I was Christian, I was unexcited to go to church.
It felt like everyone was staring.

When I was 13,
I had my first kiss with a girl,
my first major girl crush,
my first run in with homophobia.
My classmate said **** off with someone else,
my church said mothers should protect their children from homosexuality.
I wondered what was wrong with that.
When I was 13,
I watched my mother clap to the pastor not knowing she had one.
I watched the youth church pastor make fun of queer kids, not knowing he had some in the room.
I watched a girl I knew was gay clap along like she wasn't one of them
-one of us.
When I was 13,
I watched my first crush date my best friend,
she didn't want anyone to know she was gay.
When I was 13,
I came out to my family.

When I was 14,
I went to church for one last time,
A woman prayed the devil take this phase out of me, and put the holy spirit in.
I broke down in Walmart afterwards.

My mother said I never had to go back to that church again.
I still have some dreams about it.

When I was 15,
I declared no religion, I declared no ties to anyone.
I was just black & queer.

How dare you make fun of my dead friend?
How dare you?
How dare you use his death as an excuse to say that you're happier than me?
How dare you?
Death isn't funny, and it's not something to use
Against someone.
How dare you?
It's not something to mess around with to gain sympathy,
Or to make yourself feel better simply because
You don't like someone.  
How. Dare. You.
The rage I'm feeling at the Universe we live in,
Is not directed at anything.
Except for the unfairness of life and how life
Takes the things we love most.
How dare you use that against me?
*H O W  D A R E  Y O U

I woke up this morning pretty thankful.
Just a few years ago I was put into maximum security prison.
Today I had the best coffee of my life with a beautiful woman.
Things were really put into perspective and in that moment...

I said hello.