Losing myself
Think I need to recover.
My thoughts on a shelf,
Waiting still to be discovered.
So much giving,
But really I'm losing
The meaning of living
Because it's others I'm choosing.
I offer all I have
Yet still I am bled for more.
No permission to feel sad.
Be in silence, or there's the door.
It is only you that matters to you.
My feelings are cast aside.
Conversations long overdue,
But instead I hold it inside.
It's too much for me to feel this way.
Been burying for far too long.
Yes I'm female. I have things to say.
Or should I put it in a song?
.. Put my feelings in a bottle, on a note for someone to find.
Send it far across the sea.
Better chance of reaching eyes,
Than waiting for you to see me.
I stifled, and I burrowed, and I've shrunk myself way down
To fit the mold you've made for me.
"Quiet, girl. Don't make a sound.
But, hey. I'm only teasing.. "
No time for talk, no time for you, no time for love.
Just prioritize all else above.
Man thinks his importance lies in his ego.
Can't seem to relate, so away we go.
Tether is breaking.
Heart is aching.
Solo I dwell in my mind.
Looking for a way to bind
Our thoughts and emotions,
At least understand
That my love and devotion
Is slipping with your hand.
You pull away.
I feel estranged.
Things don't seem okay.
And you call ME deranged..
Here's to letting go.
Even if I can.
Cling to hope.
Footprints in the sand.
I give up control,
So now I can know
That I'll be okay
Either way.
Change.
Derail.
Be okay with betrayal.
For you can continue
To gawk at the menu.
And hit me hard
With your backhanded jokes.
Then tell me that it's all okay.
Well I guess I don't mind
Being blind.
The truth is ugly anyway.

Slipping. Slowly.. slipping
Fading out
And into the dark
As I reject my own comfort
And lay it all down for you
Follow into your every wish
And I lose
Every time
And I'm slipping
As you're baffled
by these shattered pieces
Scattered all about
As my heart breaks daily for you
But you can't figure it out
How this love swells in me
Inflated like a balloon
As you step too close
With pointed objects
And leave me broken
And breathless
Gasping for life.

Caving from within, I'm fighting
Pins an needles hard to breathe
Through heartache; pains me
As I suffer tirelessly, in silence
And hide the fatigue of my mind
Caught in landslides choking
On conscience, consciousness
daunts me,
Toying with emotions
Brainwaves sending false readings
With absolute disconnect
Error. Error. Error
Of thought and self-control
I dismiss rationality to welcome insanity
Briefly I receive a message caught
From the stars only
To tell me not to feel scarred
Our lives are temporary in the present
With much difficulty finding meaning in all this
I ask to the one,
Thee only truest of a presence
For an answer or some guidance
Or some notion,
at least a good semblance of
One comforting piece of news or advice
Would suffice
To the reckless being I embody
In this shell, this core, this hollow case
Trapping me, ensnaring me. I am
A victim to this forsaken life of greed
And ruin along the many empty
Beings not reaching their potential
That they might
see a sight in themselves to feel
A fright and be obliged
To set things right.
I am pained in a world of hurt and hurting
And loss and confusion and parting those
Familiar ways of setting hearts a blaze today
We stray from common knowledge of love to understand the other, to rise above
Hate and hatred and wicked ways
To free of the old clay, and mold ourselves I pray
That we are of like-mind in this day and age
To forfeit the sentiment of seperation.
Our kindness heals hearts, understanding erases hurt, love unites, respect connects.
Dig there in the depth
of lost ruins and emerge to seek
a soul of purity and intellect
to give to one another as you
so desperately crave to receive.
Open hearts and open minds
yield possibilities for us
to be intertwined.
Casting shadows produces a cold
Bitter yard for your neighbor to dwell
Evoking and emitting a smile from within can be akin
To a warmth and envelop
those near in a blanket of sunshine as well.
"Oh but Why?" you ask.
Because my friend, a friend
Is a friend. Be them strange or familiar,
And wouldn't you want the same? Oh,
But. Wouldn't. you. want. the same?
I say
to you and unto you
Hear me now as I beg
Love with the same love you deserve and realize it's always deserved.
So give it, but mostly
receive it from thy self and know
You. Are most certainly of worth.
As are we all, my dear dears and dearests.

Ignorance is bliss.
A statement that remains
A conflicting struggle with me.
Because I believe it is to an extent.
But my adaptation to this indifference Could just be a slow surrender.
And here I was, keeping my heart tender.
Now my heart is callused
And the pattern between us
Is carelessness.
Here, I gently forfeit.

You have to take happiness for what it is.
You might be tempted to call it fraud, because it can seem insincere.
Happiness does exist, just not in permanence. Ever.
It is fleeting.
Coming and going like deceitful lovers.
But no, the feeling is there.
It might slip away like a thief in the dark. But it is there for a time.
Enough time to make you believe that life is conquerable,
That your worries are not so daunting.
Just to have the cord ripped away and reality sets in.
On a scale of complacency to desperation,  when did you find yourself reeling?
When did the harshness of life make you lose sight of any meaning?
Candles don't burn forever.
People don't yearn forever.
Change is relative. There's always a constant.
Whatever changes you conceive, are really just repetitions
Occurring on a loop of existence.
This reality has happened before
And you're stuck in a vortex of eternity.
Everlasting is the illusion that we'll catch a glimpse of an illuminated and enlightened existence.
But good doesn't exist without bad. No light without darkness.
And *******, does it get dark..
So elation, take me high, so high.
Just to suddenly drop me from epic elevation.
Crashing hard onto pavement now, you're humbled and removed.
Just sit and ponder you're quest for love and joy, and why you're so ******* undeserving of things that are good.
And why all the flaws of us humans just get in the way and destroy us from the inside out like spontaneous combustion.
Learn to accept them, or dont.
Some can be changed, but some wont.
What can you live with?
Who can you trust?
What can you fake?
It's all one big mind game.
And I'm just a piece on the board. Beginners luck is no more, and I am losing in the war.
Doomed to a series of misfortunes, and feelings of despair.
I look for peace of mind, but it's destined not to stay there.
Accept the impermanence.
Everything in your world is only temporary.
A moment, a feeling, this life..
Choose your temporary with care.
Soon it won't be there.

I write poetry to pass the time,
Seeking solace in a silly rhyme.
Reminds me how alone I am,
And how no one really gives a ****.

Looking for therapy,
I find an ease momentarily.
Hoping for peace to put things on paper instead,
Except I realize they're still in my head.

Nagging and gnawing, the words won't retreat.
My thoughts are a burden,
Slowly killing me.

I want to travel great distances, far beyond reach.
Won't you come with me?
I want to escape this plane and walk dimensions unseen.
Won't you go with me?
I won't drink a drop, nor fill up my lungs, or inhale the dust, you see.

No for me, it is tranquil and freeing
To stay awake while sleeping,
Clear of mind and ego, pure of soul,
Surrendering with no control.

Walk with me. Sink with me. Be with me.
See the truth of your findings in all its complexity.
Realize that all is not so vexing,
Much too is rooted in simplicity, frequency.

To be is to feel, and to see is to heal.
Know you and love you so you can know and love all others properly.
Understanding love is knowing humans can't be property.
Recognize that we are each individual entities.

We cast our signatures on the world
As we journey on through life.
Seeking to make ourselves a bit more pure,
We adopt a heart that's more gentle and kind.

Growth is self reflection, and being aware of Who You Are.
And if it scares us, well it isn't too bizarre.

Change never comes easy.
We must want it. In all things.
Facing hard truth is none too pleasing,
But in the end what a comfort it brings
To find your resolve and to be humbled by the universe,
And gain knowledge in perspectives that are diverse.

Lie in the stillness that is. Be moved by the warmth and bliss.
My mind releases the chaos surrounding me.
And I go further into the abyss
I hear no music, but the sound is sweet.

Such happiness that swells in me,
Tell me, wont you go with me?

All the static, the noise in my head is getting louder
So unbearably loud.
And it's all I can do to convince myself, I'm okay.
They're not ALL pointing and laughing.
You are not shameful.
You're worthy.
Things are going to work out.
Things will look better.
The ground is not falling from beneath you.
Although, your knees are shaky, you're still standing.
Still pacing.
Still taking small steps forward.
Dancing with your own thoughts, as it may be.
Nonetheless, your own chaotic tango.
Just roll with it.
The dice have been rolled.
Go with the next calling.
The next thing that feels right.
Because. This. Doesn't.
I've placated myself, become complacent.
I listened to the outer noise, that which stirs unease.
Stick it out, they say.
Don't give up on this great thing.
This greatness is not my greatness.
Is not my passion, or my heart.
This 'greatness' is a grand recurring nightmare.
A grandiose headache.
Remove me.
This is not a reflection of my soul.
A stepping stone, I remind myself.
Yet, here I am in limbo, as with everything.
When does it end?
When can I stop aching for more?
In an ocean full of water, I am drifting and dying of thirst.
I call out, "Quench me."
I am done thirsting for an unknown resolve.
What on Earth is this life, this meaningless humdrum life?

Tongue twisted,
Stomach shifted,
Brain's a mess
With all this stress.
Fighting for words,
My mind can't procure
A single thought that reads: sane.
For my patience, I've had to re-train
The thought process that you evoke,
so I must restrain..
The anger, the frustration and confusion
Of these things you do and choose to be.
As if you look to others, and I'm not your only.
If I'm not enough, and leave you wanting
Others who are out there flaunting..
Then why stay with me, if you show them your interested?
If this is what I get with you,
Then stop pretending to be invested.
You say you want me,
but your actions say otherwise.
Your words only taunt me,
As I try to cover my eyes,
Seeing only what you want me to see.
Feeling how you say I should,
As you tear open my heart to bleed.

To feel, to feel
Some semblance of happiness
Is all we're ever after.

Can't feel, Can't feel.
How did it come to this?
Always missing is the laughter.

Trying to stay buoyant,
But the world has become madness.
Could it get any sadder?

Wants to renounce an ache felt deep inside;
This torturous wound that won't subside.
Scarring my soul, can't seem to let go.
I yearn for a life I may never know.

Catastrophic, catatonic.
Plagued by sense of worthlessness.
Buttoned up, and feeling numb.
I want to know what perfect is.

A house of cards doesn't worry
About the breeze that might knock it over;
As people don't know
Of the tragedies that drove her.

A girl deemed crazy;
Guilty until proven innocent.
They don't know the demons she faced,
And that the torment was vicious.
Or that she made choices out of hurt.
Only that her intentions were malicious.

And as it gets harder to hold onto hope,
Because every shred of dignity is stolen away,
You keep the mask on, and stay
In the prison you know.
Or be the person you're meant to be,
Flushing the past down the drain.

Emptiness is paralyzing.
Can't help myself from realizing
That with all my efforts to abide,
My sense of joy has up and died.