The first afternoon I can recall,
you grabbed my hand
and took me outside.
You surprised me, I said.
Because that noon
is the first time
I saw that lake.

The second afternoon I can recall,
you called me by name
and we went outside.
I brought you lunch, and
we drank some
mind-boggling liquid
which you stole from that old man
living beside that lake.
We lied on the grass, and
if that was not a dream, I hope not,
I felt your breath with mine, and your lips
on mine.

The third afternoon I can recall,
you went to my bed
and shook me awake.
I was mesmerized to see you again,
but you’ve changed.
The colour in your eyelids, your cheeks,
and your lips was artificial.
If you haven’t spoken, I
wouldn’t be able to recognize you.
Sitting at the edge of my bed,
you’ve said the name of that lake,
and I knew  it was you still.

The fourth afternoon I can recall,
you were 18 and still cried on my shoulder
not because you were hurt, but
because you were happy  getting married.
Flowers, chairs, and a priest
waited  for you beside that lake.
I was about to cry at that moment, knowing
it wasn’t me you were marrying.

The fifth afternoon I can recall,
you yelled at me,
“I can’t live this way!”
I asked you why, but
you didn’t tell me, you showed me.
That kiss beside that lake was wrong.
In all of the reasons why it was wrong,
I found one which is right.
You loved me the way I loved you.

The sixth afternoon I can recall,
you left me
alone beside that lake.
Yes, you loved me, but
as you have said you need to love yourself more.
I can’t hold you any blame for leaving,
I understood, and I lived with the promise
that you’ll come back to me –
in one piece or even in ashes.

The seventh afternoon I can recall,
you were barely alive.
You looked old, with dark circles around your eyes.
You hid them with glittery make-up.
“This lake haven’t changed.” you said.
I looked at that lake,
its beauty and all its glory
looked nothing
next to you.

The eighth afternoon I can recall
was the worst of them all.
You didn’t call, you didn’t leave,
you didn’t cry, you didn’t go to my bed.
And you weren’t barely alive.
Someone wrote me a letter, not you,
to take you where you and bring you back home.
You didn’t find yourself, you’ve lost it
To yhe hero
in your veins, who ate you in your sleep.

This afternoon,
I carry you, with all but  my shattered heart,
inside a jar.
My tears are one with that lake,
but I’ll bury you beside it.
I know you’re happy.
Your soul one with that lake.

The only light in my room is the blue of my skull lantern, red of my lava lamp and flicker of candle. It's hard to explain but it's surprisingly beautiful. The blue is making colors normally left unseen in the daylight pop off of my fuzzy pegasus blanket. The red glitter casting lights around my room like a million little supernovas. The candle is flicking light across my black curtains sweeping through my room pushed by the night winds like the souls of the lost. Will i become on of them? It's raining hard against my open windows and i can smell the damp earth a ****** throw away from where i sit under my luminescent posters and black and white photos depicting people torn and broken finding redemption. Will i ever be one of them? I have the overwhelming need to walk out into the dark blanket of the night, let my bare feet sink into the soft green blades beneath me, these ones wont cut me. I want to walk under the heavy moon resting like a jewel in the fabric of space, I long to wander these 23 acres wading through ankle deep currents, crawl through sharp thorns, run with the deer and howl with the lonely coyote. I want to treat the stars like old friends, tell them my woes and lost loves, my regrets and deepest fears, confide in them my scariest dreams, insecurities, joys, sorrows, loves. I'll beg the universe to put it's faith in me, ask it to recognize my existence because it sure as hell know i recognize its. But I'm not out there wih the rain washing away my fears. I'm lying naked atop a fuzzy blanket feeling the swirls of wind licking the skin of my legs, stoumache and face raising goosebumps like an old lover. Half of me shrouded in cold half warmed by the softness beneath me lulling me to sleep the other is begging me to stay awake, keep observing the world aorund me. I wont give into the warmth. I'll lay here awake ears flooded with the sound of sad guitars and tired voices, looking at the illuminated colors smelling the soft earth and nights perfume, feeling the dark run it's hands over the half of me i give it. Maybe I'll give it the rest of me, I wonder what I'll find? Only now do I feel at home under fluttering feathers of broken dream catchers, next to faceless angels and fantasy heros. They say everyone has a happy place, I finally found mine. In the middle of the night surrounded by pale light while only those who think like me are awake, looking at the same stars begging them for their own forgiveness. This is my place of peace how long will it last until somone finds it and taints it or takes it away like everything else? THis is the only place soft on my brittle bones, tender on my aching muscles. Yhe only place with enough air for my colapsing lungs. The night swoops me up in it's arms twirling me in the moonlight, dipping me in the stars. When I'm with the dark I dont have to confront the empty side of my bed because it fills it. The night is my lover and I'd give anything to stay in it's catastrophically beautiful embrace. The bittersweet dismay is I cant stay. So tonight I'll crawl into the warmth of my bed, drift into a deep sleep and pray to one day be nocturnal and join the night until the ends of my days. When my body gives way to the dust, I hope the night absorbs me, turns me into a shining star for wanderers to pray upon, and welcome me home.

A love to call my own? too far away ? Not far from home?
wheres this home u said ud show me the way if id stay just one more dAY. Im right here no one sees. just a glass on your shelf with cracks to my core. i will not lie, they are still sore. once broken smashed into, kneew no better i felt the pain so yhe same id do.
one laughs while another cries. black then blue if u cared i never knew.
Nothings perfect and not everythings true. i found most everything is cold and still im glued.
yet im used to the winter. hail, sleet and rain so when the sun comes out im still dancing through pain.
always judged yet not me anymore, im no princess bride just a servant girl,***** knees face to the floor.
to learn to rise a little at a time,with my head bent down i never feel the sun never feel its pride
Learning to smile through dried cracked tears, a scared little girl? Or just a woman with fears?

As I lay me down,
To feel
the shape I'm in.

As I wonder what went wrong
To put my body
in this hell,
of being.

My thoughts are as clear- now
As my fogg filled mind- now

Can't remember -anything
As it all blends- together
In time.
Can't call heads or tales.
On a double sided dime
Called life.

To equal not a thing,
If nothing, is something.
Then that must be, what I have.
Is time, not to equal a thing.

Help me from this hell,
Please help me find salvation.
Guard me tonight,
God,
Please help me find safety.
Help me see some light.
(Just a glimmer, a sign)

Challenged-
are my complexed thoughts.
To live,
under this control.
This-
my everymove.
Round and round,
We go.

Like a mad crazed- carni
Are my emotions,
anymore-
Round and round
dizzying,
Till I can't stand- no more.

I am the puppet,
my nerves, your strings
Pulling and tugging
With-
the pain you bring.

Tearing and shredding
all, my dreams.
I am at the mercy of this,
Un-named, disease.

You give me no choice,
But to lie.
Trying to deceive.
Pretending life is pretty,
With the ugliness in hate
That you breed.

Yhe enemy now lives,
where my soul use to be.
Pulling at my hearts
Very fragile strings.

Fighting to be brave.
Fighting to be saved.
To pray away,
All the pain.

I pray,
each day.
Praying, to stay sane.
Praying, everyday.
To my God,
I plea, show me the way.

Help me please,
get out of this hell!
Reverse to good,
This horrible spell.

Help me please.
Please God, help me,
Find my salvation,
Please God, I plea.

Guard my soul tonight,
God help, find salvation.
Please help me, I plea.
Guide me safe, to my light.

Invisible you may be to,
so many.
Sneaking into others,
with unfamiliarity.

Changing their lives.
Turning them upside down.
unsuspecting, without a choice,
until
One day when you are found.

The shape I am in.
With,
My mind worn thin.
This pain aches, in my heart.
Is where all the weakness
Does start.

God help me,
Guide my thoughts,
through the night.
Let me feel you, in me
Let me,
know it's alright.

We were always opposites
From children do you remember?
We rolled around the floor.
Fighting over nothing at all.
You got me into so much trouble at school
You copied my homework.
Got me an F on yhe math test.
Pulled my hair.
Tripped me in the schoolyard
Grazing both my knees.
Do you remember telling
My first girlfriend I was gay.
Last year I had
finally had had enough.
And I married hou.
I said you  can go your way
And I'll go your way too

silent narratives
eyes watching
a touch of each hew
from ancient times

yhe art is fantastic
spreading magic
with the mysteries on the earth
each stone is leaving that part trail
in the hands of the artist

tired of sculpture,in the caverns of time
it is resting comfortably in its followers

(We are both sculptor and sculpture

if you a leaf
you won't stay always in the branch
you'll not be green every season
you'll dries and fall on the soil
you are drift and hurls

if you a tree
how much you can confidence  on the roots
when it dries,you don't standing

if you bird
with the wing,how far you fly
is forever

if a word
you can tell what
for don't hear

eye-openingand yhe the closing time life
a lot will change
you'll not understand

Loking
For love
In
All
Yhe
Wrong
Places

A grotesquerie of time
Sculpted faces
Litter the landscape.

Classical columns stand
Jagged and broken or lie
Forlorn.

A soft oriental anxiety
Hangs in clouds over yhe scene,

And all the waves of
History fall.

The shift proceeds-
A drunken monk
Misdeliberates his
Kung Fu.

All is change
All balance is wobble-
The sun sets-uncaring

Celebrated fam. With an elaborate plan.
I made my bed *** im 11 years deep in the sand.
Im telling devils not to see me.
For regular visits.
Instead my shrink said i should take these pills to clear up my symptoms.
Menacing condition.
Im a master of hiding.
Playing good guy for the public
But disguising yhe devil inside me.
Its a trial. I can make it.
Just gotta have some good faith.
I make the sands of time look like a dream we might have escaped.
****