All the dreams I've had have never come true.
The blood in my heart had always been blue.
Who I am and my aspirations I never knew.
Of this all changed when I met you.
My wrongs never became right.
I saw no colors only black and white.
I always had trouble falling asleep at night.
But this all changed when you entered my life.
When oppurtunities arose I would swing and miss. Ive never experienced the feeling of bliss.
Happiness wasnt a part of me I could only wish.
Baby this changed when we shared our first kiss.
Had no sense of direction no sense of time.
So very much oblivious, numb and blind.
Black heart.
Black soul.
Empty mind.
Everything changed when you became mine.
Love enters my heart.
Joy fills my mind.
Beauty beholds my eyes.
Faith holds my hand.
Darkness has turned to light.
You are the best thing I could ever ask for in life .

I'm not heartless or jaded or broken
Though I have been rejected a few times before
I'm still complex but I'm working on it
And all that matters is not what I've done, but what I'm doing to be better than yesterday
I'm not exactly where I wish to be just yet
I am still sensitive and protective and I admit I have doubts
I don't say sorry as much as I should, but I have my way of making ammends
I'm not lost or searching or impulsive and weak
I'm curious and interested in expanding my horizons
My imagination takes me everywhere and sometime I don't want to come back
But I still try my best to improve what I do have
I do what I can and when I fail it's a lesson
If I didn't do my best, I'll take a look at what went wrong
I'm a hopeless romantic and a dreamer in the process of making use of my life and all my potential
I can be funny, sarcastic and niave all at once
But there are times when I'm serious and all I want is respect
I earned what I have and threw away many oppurtunities
But thats the beauty of life whether I like it or not
I forgive easily and remember most things
Especially what it feels like to be hurt and left alone
I enjoy what life brings me and I've learned that I'm capable
I've found my voice and I'm not afraid to be singled out
My head holds a crown that might be too heavy
But all my burdens are mistakes that paved a path towards my successes
I was a girl but now I am a woman
And to be honest, I love who I've become
Some people like me, some may be critical
But the only opinion that matters, is the one in the mirror
I like to laugh, I like to share, I like to listen to my friends
But most importantly I love to smile, even when it's difficult and everything is falling apart
Because in the midst of rainstorm always comes a rainbow
Soon after any day now, the sun will shine on my destiny
And the puzzle of life will still make no sense at all

You are the oppurtunities you need.
You are the miracles you seek.
You are the stars you're trying to reach.
You are the proclamations you speak.

You are the treassure you're trying to find.
You are the mountains to climb.
You are whatever you decide.
Because God resides in you

Tomorrow looks bright,
from the shadows of today.

Today:
How can I be so full
of thoughts
of doubts
of emotions

but feel so empty?

How can I be surrounded
by loved ones
by blessings
by oppurtunities

but feel so alone?

I'm losing in a battle against myself
and as I sit here and give into these emotions
I am contributing
to my own demise.

Tomorrow:
To win this battle
I must **** the old me
and throw the shell of my old self
into the flames
I must then find a new me
within the ashes.

A timeless truth:
The light of tomorrow always shines brighter
as we look from the shadows in which we dwell.
It is up to us,
to leave those shadows
and to embrace the warmth
of the sunshine.

I dont have a tendency to write things when im happy,
Only when things are breaking or crashing down.
Dysfuntion usually laces the words that end up on my paper
Going down my readers throat, so that im not the only one
Whos infected with mayhem.
I am still writing about dysfuntion
But with the flavor of fantastic confusion.
Because I used to think that when you met someone
Youd know right away, that they were important.
Until now, I found out that you could meet your best friends ex
As a sophomore in spanish 3 and wait for another year
And still not know that they make you smile.
That my dear is dysfunction.
You can then finally meet them in a class
That you werent going to take in the first place.
And let them read about your biggest fears and happiest moments
Finding out that you dont have one bit of trouble letting them in.
Still you wait though, because its highschool
You will either break up soon or break up when you graduate
So why bother in the first place, if you know itll only end in distaster and heart break.
But they stay and they let you figure things out
And you ask for time
And you ask for time
And you ask for time
And thats what they give you.
And you question and question and question
And they answer and answer and answer
Until you have no choice but to accept that they are special
Because they dont make you nervous when they say the word girlfriend
And they don’t make it awkward when you ask them questions not fit for 3 weeks
They arent juvinille with the expectations of hand holding and careless I love yous.
So you let them come to your house and meet your parents and you go to theirs
You make the mistake of developing a loose mouth, and take oppurtunities
To tell your uncles and aunts about how wonderful they are and you feel yourself
Digging a hole deeper and deeper into the ground made of them.
And you know that when it ends, you will be so deep
That it will take you forever to get out.
But you stay and that is dysfuntion in its finest
Because you know the longer you stay, the more itll hurt to leave
But you stay anyways because they make you smile, and they make you laugh
And they make you happy.
So if this is what type of dysfuntion my writing will be laced with then
Let it come by the gallons.

You asked me to be careful with your heart
As you dated other women
As you critisized so much about me
As you used my past to manipulate me
As you shut me down in conversation
You asked me to be careful with your heart
But you were not careful with mine
This is why
I had to let you go
Because I am not only careful with your heart
I am careful with my own

flow like a river, rumble like the sea
where there is freedom, we will try to be

at the bottom of the Sea, they laid sands of promise and dignity
declaration of independence and the emancipation of slavery
we had high hopes of what we could be
and I believe we fulfilled it...partially
why partially you might say?
we've come from far but the Waters are musky and filled with decay
they tell you that you can have rights as long as you swim their way
the illusion they created is slowly fading away

but how dare you tell us where to swim when we live in a Sea
a Sea that's vast with sharks and oppurtunities
we are ubiquitous, we are Water, we are everywhere in this place
so why are we defined by status and race?
we are ubiquitous, we are Water, we have the ability to be
so why is the very air we breathe killing us slowly?
we are ubiquitous, we are Water, we hold dear life in our existence
but the sharks still come after us with absolute persistence
they make us look shallow but our Waters are deep
Genocides, discrimination and the slave trade, in our soil have seeped

Martin Luther King told us to use peace to heal our scars
so why are we always the driving force in wars?
I recall the Constituition having ideals based on equality
But life seems indefinitely harder for minorities
Oh sure we have a right to protest and assemble peacefully
But didn't I see blacks being tear-gassed while marching for Mike Brown in the streets?
Oh yes we are supposed to be a big, bad, free Sea
while our Waters are restricted, racist and murky

Maya Angelou told us she knows why the caged bird sings
through his efforts, he had hoped freedom will one day ring
they talk about us as pretty lakes and rivers that peacefully flow
but see there's an angry volcano erupting below
And our waters will never be clean until that volcano erupts
Ashes of repentance that will manifest into an island that's not corrupt

flow like a river, rumble like the sea
one day freedom will reign and that's where we'll be.....
hopefully

I could wake up next sunday, just maybe
if i make it through these weekend nights.
Anyone could tell me about what I should do,
but maybe I wouldn't push and pull through.

It's a different story, one I couldn't write anymore.
Somber's all I am recently, wish I could be sober.
It's hard to get up in the morning and not wish
to have so much more I could do about all this.

And I've paced my elbow room a couple times,
it feels like I'm a stranger in my own company.
Been vexed by the holy ghost behind my back
about faith I don't have and a father I can't see.

Won't take you a miracle, they told me once.
Said the cigarettes and lighters would suffice.
There's also the aftertaste of saturday's vices,
you'd know how hard it is, wanting to just go.

Because everytime I've told anyone otherwise,
I'm no longer surprised to be called thankless.
Though I've settled with pennies for thoughts:
my talk's cheap, arms open, but i'm still selfish.

Rid the virtues from my system, all but patience,
since I've been waiting on all my oppurtunities
but not for the home I've settled to call my own.
There's a way, I know, that's not how I want to go.

Today, I cried when someone asked about my day
because I've been like this whole weekends long.
My thousand tiny terrors yet again take their toll.
Wait for my sunday matinee, it's the last you'll see.

You should have never left tho
You should have never let go
You left me standing in the dark
Eyes full of tears and broken heart
You really had me fooled girl
You were everything, my whole world
I still got your ticket for our vacation
Hope that **** is refundable
I can tell you won't be able to make it
I was caught in your moments
You spoke your soul like a poet
I gave you my heart to hold it
You knew your intentions
And just so you know it
I blame myself
You held the gun
And I'm the one who loaded it
I'll still pray for you
I pity my next love if they can make it through
Because damaged people..damage others
So I hope when you walk out
You know you'll never find another
I regret introducing you to my mother and my brother

this is the same familar
following a feeling
through the wafty smell of regret
and missed oppurtunities
you can't take those back
you could have taken them
back then
but this is now
and all you're left with
is some old texts
and a box of 'what ifs'
and 'why didn't i...'

you have said
a few times
that you aren't working here
to make friends.
well,
we may not be friends
but you have helped me
more
than many of my friends
ever could.

I'm sorry -
for being late more times
than anybody can count.
I'm sorry -
for having difficulty
doing my job well
believe me,
I know it is not difficult.
I'm sorry -
for slacking off at times
for underpreforming
fairly frequently.

I always thought
you were supposed to hate your boss.
the people
who trained me
painted you in this horrible light
made me
think I would hate you
that you were unfair
cruel
and
not understanding in the least.

I know
you don't care
what those losers thought.
nobody does.
they ****
have horrible judgement
and I wouldn't hang out with them
if we were the only people on earth.
but
if I ever get the chance
I will curse them out
for saying those things about you.
actually
I will curse anyone out
for saying anything bad about you.

thank you
for giving me a safe space
for showing me that work
doesn't have to be a place
where my anxiety comes too.
thank you
for not treating me like a child
for being honest, even if it may
seem harsh at the surface.
thank you
for giving me more oppurtunities
than I deserve
and
for showing me
sometimes, not giving a ****
is the best and only option.

thank you
for introducing me
to my favorite authors
and for being a catalyst
that inspired me
to write again.
it does help.

I'm bad with words
and my vocabulary isn't large
and I'm bad
with talking about
how I feel without crying.
but I want you to know I appreciate you.
if there was a What Not To Wear show
but for like, jobs and homes and stuff
holy **** I would sign you up.
you deserve so much more
than the bookstore.
you deserve to be waited on
hand and feet
and have whatever the ****
you desire.

whenever I stop working here,
or if you need to let me go
just know
I will always hold you in the highest respects.
always.
I am also
always
a phone call away
if any of your enemies
need to be slain.

we might not be friends.
that is okay.
but just know
even if you hate me
or think I'm boring
or lame
or annoying
I don't care
I still love the **** out of you
and every part of who you are.

My life is out of my hands, my fate is it woven, these paths i choose to take are they but truly chosen.
my heart is beating still, but for now my love stays hidden.
safely here i meditate, on past pictures so beautifully vivid.
a soul we all are born with, or at least is what most choose to assume.
but perhaps a spirit is something else entirely, bodies burned in corpseless tombs.
destiny is a touchy subject, where is truth among so many varied interpretations
this image we have of fate walks in hand with beauty in the eyes of differing relations.
oh, that what it is, to be held in the heart, with someones or somethings favor.
these are the makings of merry moments, merit these memories as ones to savor.
procastination is the thief of time, stealing away our oppurtunities and chances.
idle hands sit idly by, we must be proactive in our advances.
to want is to welcome in hunger, as is to desire the cousin of greed.
i ride through the storms of this life, with a pen that silently bleeds.
from my soul, the strength does come from, spirit and body both do manifest it.
while the value of ones outcome is solely dependant on effort invested.
these twenty four hours can seem so long, until it is time that is finally needed.
recently, for some reason, time is all that i have been seeing
wading through these days, from sun up until rise again, like this pendulum swing process is my only friend
that ive known lately.
but its all this time tallyed up and the bones in the back of my attict that make me.
digging through old dirt see, as i try to lay to rest these, bodies in my closet.
i have the tendency to stay reserved, im always humble but know that i shall never back down.
i think its about due time, from floating by on cloud nine, i need to come on back down,
im trying to see these size nines planted firmly on the ground again
to be able to think clearly i had to reclaim my clarity of mind,
here's a penny for your thoughts, watch me throwing down these dimes.
throw away the nickels to my dreams.
ive already done lived that life, i have already seen everything.
there is to offer, in these dime store disasters.
now as a Man i want answers,
as a Scholar seek knowledge.
as a Gentleman ill walk at the time i choose to frolic
ill never need another person here to tell me that approve it.
my life has been left to the light, this is no longer in my hands,
my faith and lifestyles prove it...

Starts with a shiver
A light of stressing
As her eyes glimmer
A night of adolescents
She's acting embittered
A fight for antidepressants
Falling asleep and daydreaming
Making sense of everything
On top of the clouds
Underground
Wherever you are, you'll hear that sound
That pounds like your heart, dancing in the rain
That pounds like your heart, facing the fists agonizing pain
The things we are grateful for
But we couldn't ever ask for more
I would never test you
I wouldn't dare to
Like the last time, I felt through
The one who took my hand, wasn't you
When you said you were mine, it wasn't true
lots of fun with no proof, takes a lot of thought of your past to know If it's true
But we connected our heads just to know, if there was something to do
loathe seeing oppurtunities, that won't be satisfying
I taste the bitter feelings, caught before my eyes start drowning
I'm also so terrified, they're are no sounds to hide behind from time
I'm not so purified, I'm the same ***** mess from last time
I'm aging, raging like a bull
I'm aging, im hanging
Bits and peices of our hope
Sitting in a home
To hold and cope
Living on your own
Always so cold
But the one you know
Is only on your phone

I couldn't believe how wrong I was.
I knew that they would turn their heads away and choose what they listen.
I was certain I'd be in tears by the time I arrived.
I had the idea that they decided through distance that I ruin everything.

I couldn't believe how wrong I was.
I was smiled at and praised when I was seen.
I was listened to and even created oppurtunities for laughing and clapping.
I had no idea they missed me so much.

Through distance, we either change our minds or learn to love no matter the cost of peace or share.
Through distance, we think.
I was overthinking the whole time I was gone.
All doubt gone and forgotten.
We have no punches to roll with but no reason to punch in the first place.
We're all at peace.