I have become lost in a vision that was once never mine to have; a thought unseen, as in a dream that was never shared. But I was there because I dared. Or so I dared to believe, and thus was left to bereave, in whole, for the death of my hopeful, emptying soul. Yet the pen well knows these secrets which flow through my hands. As blood from fingertips pours black unto the inked page of the history we write for ourselves, left dusty and forgotten, on forgotten shelves, and in forgotten times. Such was the blindness of my eyes as I ran through thickets of whispers, unafraid, I the unshackled slave who stayed; biding my time, binding in rhyme, my poisonous thoughts. For what have I left, save for portentous doubts; that once shouted, fall upon deaf ears? Fears dripping from muted lips, flowing through clenched teeth, hand in hand with the silent promises never made. A foundation of jade that supports the sky, for there were no walls built in the becoming of I.

Lady Lady I tried so hard too be a good man
But it's time for me to go try something new
dont even think all these women
could replace the way I felt for you
But my heart is getting colder...
and my love for you is becomming farther and farther
and It's so gone by now
that im afriad of the man I'm becomming
I'm out here breaking hearts
and running the town
I'll drown before I let my heart get broken again
even if it means breaking a few hearts of my own

Everything was very lucid, everything but the beginning.

Like the scene from Inception where she cannot remember how they got there I too had that same feeling.
Everything seemed normal at first but I quickly realised that the people around us did not notice us at all.
They did not even see us, like we were invisible.
My vision was seemingly blurry when I looked at the world and people outside the circle we formed standing together in a crowded park in the middle of the day, yet perfectly fine when I looked at my own body or two of the six other persons standing in the circle.
I picture it today like different resolutions.
Infact just like in the movie, I was actually dreaming but I did not know it at that time and there was no Di Caprio to explain it to me.

All I knew was that I was being chosen for something.
Something I have being longing for my whole life of confusion and wondering why, how and who.
I had no idea what that something was but I knew that I along with these people standing with me was finally chosen for something unimagineably great.
That intese feeling of relief that came with it was the most powerful feeling I had experienced to this day, almost like I knew that I would finally get to know the answers to the secrets and mysteries we all have been trying to figure out as humans
and after this journey all the suffering would stop and everything would be over.
I knew that the rest of the people felt a similar way even though, at that time, we had yet not spoken to eachother. I knew it simply by the way they reacted. Just like myself we were all surprised, overwhelmed and at the same time joyful.

I remember having a strong feeling of wanting / being chosen as a kid. Chosen like in Harry Potter being a the boy who lived, Peter Parker becomming spider man or Clark Kent realising he is superman, you get the point..

Apparantly a lot of humans have the same feeling and now I was living that dream.

After a few seconds of taking it all in I realised that only two of the six other people were visible to me. I knew there were six other beings next to me but only two was visible.
One was a male with dark blonde hair and trimmed ****** hair, looked like a regular swedish person in my age but nobody I recognized from my town. Then there was a brunette female also in her 20s.
And then there were four other beings who I had no vision of but I could somehow know they are right there and is a living being just like us but somehow way different.
I could "feel" or know that they were just as suprised as we were and had as much knowledge about the whole situation as we did.
I also knew that they could clearly see and hear us. An ability we did not possess as  humanbeings.

Some people would probably use the words "alien abduction" trying to describe the experience (dream) I had but I use the word "chosen" for the reasons I stated above.
Also at this point I had thoughts running through my head that these non visible beings was extraterestials but as I said these beings was going through the same thing we were, driven by a force much greater that both of us.

A "WOW" was the first thing that came out from the swede as we all aknowledged that reaction and let out a laugh, flabbergasted of what was happening. And so far we are only 1 minute into the whole thing and we are still in this circle in the middle of a crowded park.
Next thing we all got individually surrounded by this bright white light that would transport us to the next stage of the journey. Just like you would see in a 90s music video the light just appeared around us until we were covered in it and dissapeared from the park and appeared ... somewhere else.

At this place it was only me and the two other persons I could see, the swedish male and the female brunette. The other beings was at a similar place designed for their kind. I knew this because I would meet them again after this stage and find out.
I cannot describe this place but I'll try my best explaining what happened there.

The three of us would go through a dream like state one by one in our own personal dream, designed by the devine to be a test. In this test you would enter a dream where you play yourself from a memory from the past. It is hard to explain but think of it like the jumanji movie where they load into the game and become new characters with missions.
We were loaded into a dream where we play ourself and had our own missions within that dream to beat as a test to go to the next stage of the journey.

My test was up first.

I quickly loaded into this dream where I was myself as a kid in a very distant age of humatity. Everything was sand and stone and the only humans alive was the people in my tiny village in the middle of the desert. The whole vibe was egypt and sand dunes.
Even though I was playing myself in the dream I could also observe as a third person outside the dream, like a spectator and the others was watching my dream play out aswell but we could not affect anything in my dream, or "test" if you may, while just observing from outside the box.
I needed to play myself as a kid in this sand dune world and the others could actually load into my dream as themselfs to help me with whatever my missions was.

As you know with dreams there is too much unexplainable stuff going on but overall my dream test was a huge complicated maze I had to run through. In the end it led me to running up a stone staircase which spiraled around a square block of stone.
When I got to the top it was a simple stone building, a house made for worship where all the humans gathered at dawn to pray. Right outside the entrance to the house was a big block of stone, same sand dune colour. This stone was very important and I somehow knew it but I did not know why. I gave it a pat like a kid would do and my test was finished.
I did not have a certain feeling of knowing exactly what was going on or if I completed my test or whatever I was just going along in the journey for now.

Next up was the other male. His dream test was this anoying, mind boggling puzzle that took forever to figure out. We managed to do it anyway and last up was the female.
Her test was filled with agony, misery, anxiety, extreme sadness and anger. It was no dream I would ever want to go through again but we had to help eachother out to complete the tests together.
It was very important that we went through it as a split unit because if one failed we would all do.

After a traumatic experience with the females dream test we finally broke free and again got transported to another place.

This time we were traveling in the vast darkness of space. No spaceship, no suits just our bodys almost being dragged through space.
We were not feeling any force dragging us or felt like we were in motion but we could tell we were travelling because there was a single point in our vision that got bigger as we were seemingly getting closer to it.

Here is where I meet the the remaining "chosen beings" again, they were travelling with us but did not seem as fazed by it as we humans were. Atleast that was my understanding by "feeling" their reactions or "aura" or whatever.

We were travelling for around two minutes and I remember feeling uncomfortable as the experience flying through space was terrifying and not at all what I had hoped it would be.
I actually was so scared I almost started to panic as these two minutes felt like forever, until I saw that point we were travelling to getting significally bigger by the millisecond.
Faster than I could tell we were there, our point of destination for this stage. It was a big big cube made of unknown material just floating in space. The cube was transparent so we only saw a hollow plasma like cube and nothing else.
The cube had rounded edges and for size comparison it was pretty much a 10x10 Meter cube from the outside.

Once we floated inside this cube we could see that it was not what it seemed from the outside.

First of all, every single one of us got a mutual feeling of being home, this cube was a safe haven for us. We were protected in this cube and could feel secure.
There was so much space inside this thing like you wont believe, it was not really affected by time like we are here on earth. If we wanted to go to a private room we would immidietly be there, there was no time spent walking to that room.
If we wanted to relax on a couch we would already be in the same couch relaxing.
It made no sense but there was no questions needed to ask for us. We just intuitively knew how to use this cube for whatever our needs were.

One funny thing I remember was a lady sitting inside the cube at a office desk placed at the top left corner of the cube. As I first entered the cube, to me, she was sitting upside down at her desk with a full suit on and even a scarf looking like a calssy office worker.
She gave all of us a glance and a little smile before focusing on her typing again. Like she was a regular at this cube place and there was no big deal at all that seven beings, humans and ... non humans would visit this cube.

She was also human, well as far as I could tell she was fully human, we never communicated, just like we never spoke to any other beings at this place.
This journey was not filled with much communication as we people have here on earth. We all just knew what the other was thinking based on pure intuition. The cube was filled with beings but as we seven was on our own special journey we did not interact with anyone else and nobody else interacted with us.

We got to a room in this cube where we walked up to an altar looking thing. On this altar was a huge holographic monitor. The monitor (that was really just light) was showing a 3D model of the earth. It was a white light background and the earth was showing as black lines like you would draw the earth from space on a piece of blank white paper with a regular black ink pencil.
It was a problem though, everything was static, no motion, no life. We all were just standing huddled up watching this holographic monitor not knowing what to do or think as we did not understand anything.
This is when I stepped up to this altar holding the holographic monitor and again by pure intuition I placed my hand above the emitting lights and somehow grabbed one end of the "monitor" and flipped it to the other side like you would flip a page in a book.
Now we saw the same 3D picture of earth but it was a live feed and not static anymore. The earth was in motion and you could see the green colours of the land the blue waters the white clouds and everything else so beautifully. There was a live statistic upgrade on EVERYTHING you needed to know about the earths "health" if you may.
Like the temperture, oxygen levels, fertility in the soil, density of the mountains and everything else you can think of.
It was amazing to see and every single one of us felt the same way. We also all understood that the previous static earth we saw was one of many planets like earth used to host us humanbeings until the end of our test that was once active and in motion but is not anymore.

After this experience in the altar room with the holographic book monitor thing we all ended up back in the circle in the park we began at. Everyone knew our tests was over and we were about to join the devine, whatever that means.
We stood for a minute processing the whole journey we went through waiting for the next step.

At that moment there was very much information getting downloaded to my system.
I got to know that me and the two other humans represent the three dimensions we live and experience.
Each of us is representing a single string, a string that is the smallest possible form of matter that vibrates to to a beat. Our heartbeat.
We are one dimensional beings but together we live in a three dimensional world and our strings will together form the trefoil knot.

The other four beings is representing the fourth to seventh dimensions. Even though all dimensions is weaved into eachother, we do not possess the ability to see above our own dimensions but beings living in higher dimensions can see the beings below and actually live amongst them.
This explaied why I cannot see the other beings of course.

They still have a string just like we humans do but they are made up of different type of matter, different type of energy and live in a different type of frequency. This means that they had to tie their knot sepereatly from us humans, meaning they had different type of tests and live by a completly different type of rules we human beings do.

Together we had two knots symbolizing a total of seven dimensions of creation, A starmap for us to enter infinity and beyond.

The lights swiftly swooped in and surrounded us, nothing else mattered, we were ready to go.
One by one everyone got beamed up, the non humans was the first to go.
As one was beaming up after the other we looked at eachother with great humbleness and pride. The female was the last to go before it my was my turn but as she got beamed up it came to my knowledge that I was not chosen to get beamed up this time and my faith was to live the rest of my life here on earth like the person I was before all this.

I could only catch a glance of the females face before she got covered by the beam and I will never forget the look she gave me. A look that knows the great pain I was feeling and the responsibility I have to carry out among the people I live with now that I know what I know.
I think my heart stopped for a second as I felt so betrayed, left out, alone..

The seven strings was now only one, the other six existed only as a memory.

This is where everyone in the park could see me again, and I was standing there alone in the middle of spring with a leather jacket on that I used to wear in my 20s. It was a sunny yet windy and chilly day.
I knew that nobody would understand me or even believe me If i told them what happened. I had to struggle with the feeling of living until I die of "natural" causes and nobody would ever understand me.
It was depressing to say the least. I began to walk home through the park as a car stopped by me. It was my friends from real life, they yelled at me to jump in and asked what I was doing alone in the park.

I struggled to keep my tears in as I just shrugged and sat down in the backseat, listening to their endless, pointless normal life conversations as my thoughts wandered away to the journey I just experienced.

This is when I wake up and realise that all this was a dream and I took about 2 hours laying in my bed reflecting on what I dreamed.

To this day, years after the dream, I still go though the journey every single day, as a memory. I do not know what It means or necesarrily still try to even find meaning in it but it lives in my mind rent free.
I just wanted to write it down on paper and share it and maybe It will help me realeve some of the feelings I still experience because of this dream.

Thank you for reading.

Some are perfect and some are destructive.
They can come and go or they can be eternal.
The few friends i rely on are most definitely everlasting.
Im lucky when i get to see them,
Because they never fail to put a smile on my face.
To accompany them time after time is what i eagerly desire.
Although, Time is becomming the blockade of our endearment.
They may be malicious sometimes but i know it's cause they love me
No matter what struggles im going through in life, i'll always know i can count on them to lift my spirits.
I love them like family and miss them like crazy.
Until we meet again.
XOXO

i wonder how we ended up so broken.

you; soft hair, strong arms, bruised heart, bruised skin, angel boy. cant tell the difference between wrong and right, tells me to leave when he wants me to stay and doesnt listen when i tell him no. small town with even smaller hearts, you cant figure out when to put the bottle down. you buy cigarettes by the carton and each time you tell me itll be the last. small white pills and late nights, powder around the rim of your nose, falling down to rest on your upper lip. i dont care that when i kiss you all i taste is cigarettes and the shame of your bad decisions. or when i bury my head in your chest i cant smell your cologne, just stale cigarettes and the lingering scent of alcohol and her perfume. angel boy.

me; blonde haired blue eyed angel girl. soft pale hair, even paler skin. losing feathers each time our lips touch, the bile rises in my throat and soon i wont be able to fly. innocent before i met you but now i dont know the meaning of the word. self destructive in a whole new sense, no longer bright red that oozes from my split skin, but a steady stream of unholy that you bring. white lines, white pills, white skin when i take too much. blue lips, slow heartbeat. your hand in mine as my vision fades and my head spins. angel girl.

us; bruised hearts, bruised skin, bruised dignity. we crawl back to eachother like we forgot the acent into hell from the last time. everytime a bell rings an angel gains their wings, but everytime my phone rings and you name lights up on the screen i can feel my chance at redemption slipping further and further away.

you; new year, new girl, “new” you. no more pin ****** in the crook of your arm, no more late nights and drinking until your head spins. church every sunday, you dont skip a day of class. but looks can be deceiving, i can see this false halo of yours slipping. you call me at one in the morning and you tell me god is sleeping. sitting the passenger seat of your old pickup, hand on my thigh, bottle passed between us and i can taste the alcohol on your breath when we kiss. its not unholy when the lights are out and its always a little more fun if its a little bit wrong.

me; shakey hands, quivvering voice, too much anxiety not enough courage. short skirts, triumphant smirk. his hand on my thigh, your eyes glaring from across the room. easy laughter and quick smiles, smouldering gaze and angerly tapping your foot. jealous looks good on you. fingers fumbling in the dark, slipping down the rabbit hole again.

you; dark hair, dark thoughts, eyes rolled back into your head like youre searching for the will to continue loving me. clenched jaw, steady stare. imagining colours littering my body, and refraining but only for the sake of a small smile and bright eyes that stare up at you, angel boy. a soft laugh, a promise that this wont happen again. youre happy, you found someone. but we both know youll come back again, unable to resist grabbing me by the jaw and seeing the fear in my eyes as you tell me what youll do to me. you wont remember who she is when youre with me. the shame after is worth it, to see the expanse of my pale skin stretched out across your bedding.

me; soft hair, soft voice, soft touch. cant resist the way our skin clashes when we’re together. your body looks nice draped across mine, tan body, warm skin, warm heart. always ignore the pain i feel when you help me back into my clothes and call her on the phone, to ease your mind. erase everything. i help you strip the bed and wash your sheets so theyre clean when she comes over the next day. i play our song softly, smile when i hear you whispering along. forehead kisses and the smell of your skin. your soft bed and your hand in my hair, light touches up and down my arms. we both know that this is the best type of sin, your hand in mine, and no fear of reprocussion from false gods and deities.

you; unable to remember the last time you were this happy with her in your arms but unwillingly to admit you made a mistake. fake smiles and meaningless ***. your father doesnt like her and your grandparents dont feel the need to protect her. your mother pretends she doesnt notice your dark circles and disheveled hair, and i pretend i dont notice the lipstick smudges on your collar. doesnt she know how you detest it? i dont know her name you never tell me, but it doesnt matter when youre with me. still cant tell the difference between right and wrong, its okay if youre ******* me when youre ****** up. the drugs made you do it, didnt you know, angel boy? the wreckage of your soul gets worse every second you spend with me. but god has forsaken you, its only a matter of time before you end up in hell.

me; hair that hasnt seen a brush in weeks, shorter skirts, longer nights, white lines, acid drop god and oxytocin devil. i only cry when the stars die, i wonder what that says about me as a person. light bruises littering my neck, sore wrists, sore heart. sobriety sounds like a myth, belonging with stories of p Persephone and Mount Olympus. i havent seen a sober day in months, stumbling into his truck, waking up drunk. pills are my best friends, go down easy and last long. the curious feeling that everything is becomming less than real, hazy thoughts and a mind that plays tricks on me, batting eyelashes at men in bars to get my way, angel girl.

us; stolen pills, stolen alcohol, stolen hearts. boys who look at me with lust in their eyes and good intentions in their hearts. girls who dream about you at night, holding them close in their sleep. self destruction in the most glorious way. trading in our wings for cheap thrills and golden rings. cant remember the past three years of our lives, but understanding we opened a door we couldnt close. the fall from heaven was hard, the acent into hell was easy. tattered dreams and broken hearts, sad eyes, tired eyes, clouded vision, blown pupils. you and i.

you; soft hair, strong arms, bruised heart, bruised skin, angel boy. flicking ash onto the carpet, setting your heart aflame. fire department comes too late. too many sleepless nights and smoke filled lungs. left to the ruins of your life.

me; blonde haired blue eyed angel girl. soft pale hair, even paler skin. i want to look pretty when you find me dead in the bathtub. too many stolen pills, not enough will to live.

I'm supposed to be healthy.

I work out daily,
My eating habits are normal,
I'm physically healthy,
My grades can be fixed,
My mental health is becomming better,
I'm in a loving, non-toxic relationship,
The connection to my family is alright,
I'm close with my friends.
I have a lot of hobby's and interests
I don't feel empty most of the time.

Why, Why, Do I Not Feel Okay?

Dear G,
It's becomming harder and harder to express my feelings, especially about/to you. I hope that the poems I recently posted are enough. Enough for just one sign. Nothing even has to happen. I don't even know what I want to know or hear. God, I'm really ******* helpless. I'm sorry. You deserve a good letter, from a normal person. One that has a poper end. I'm a mess, I'm sorry.
Sincerely, yours
Lillie