it's not that i didn't tell you to stay
it's that my face had been flattened
to a degree unrecognizable, unable to express emotion
eroded by too many acid raindrop-tears
and too many vicarious hits
of that ........ you covet more
than the newborn child ... years away in my stomach
we will not see light
you cannot make it fill the cavity between your selfish molars
and my cavernous ribcage
you can slash the curtains all you want, but the sun don't like you no more
and i barely love you
(even though it cannot dissipate more than it has)
and you won't admire me as a stolen sabertooth
all the crest whitening strips you fed to me
to protect me from the plaque building up
in my voice box
in my lexicon
are in the trash now, honey
i don't give a **** how yellow i'm getting
and if you really loved me
you'd not care either

but you have this need to place all theoretical constructs
on a ******* pedestal above you
like heaven
and happiness
and love
like they are unreachable for you because
you have short arms
and short legs
short ambition
short breath
and so you keep pushing various cleaning utensils toward me
brushes
mops
loufas
and i eat them
i swallow the bleach and plastic and mesh whole
like i've swallowed your feigned empathy
your lack of morality

and i'll regurgitate them for our (never to be) child
when .... is born
and i'll say "here, ............, look...look at all your father left you"
and i'll eat the placenta
and i'll purge it
and maybe by then
i'll have learned how to teach
our never to be had child
how to leave an addict

And when it rains
it pours
in that little mind of yours.
So you take your thoughts
and hang them out to dry
in the form of a poem.

People often tell me I'm a Daddy's girl
And whenever I try to explain why
I get lost for words,
When I begin to even try,

It's the tight grasp of your
Reassuring hand,
It's the freedom of
Never living in demand.
It's the way you hold me
Every time I cry,
The way that you know
Without even asking why.
It's your warming
And contagious laughter,
It's because with you I know no matter what happens
You'll be waiting after,
With a listening ear,
It's the fact that you're so sincere.
It's the way you take my fears
And brush them away,
It's the promise of being there
That you've kept til this day.
It's the years, you've fought by my side,
It's the way you look at me
With such pride.
It's the fact that you're not perfect
Nor are you trying to be,
It's the devotion and
The belief you have for me.
Its your unfaltering and calming
Presence
It's the when I'm searching for
An essence of hope
You shower me in it,
It's the way in which we sit
In silence for hours on end
Not only are you my father,
But my only real best friend.
It's the fact that on you,
I know I can depend.
It's the me I see in you and the
You I see in me.
It's the fact that no matter how lost
I am
You always guide me home,
It's because with you
I know I shall never walk alone,
It's because every memory we've shared,
The meals you've so thoughtfully cooked and prepared,
Have been done with so much love
It's because when I feel like I'm drowning
You lift me up above
The water.
It's the fact that I'm your daughter.
It's the glint in your eye,
And the compassion in your voice,
It's because with you,
I know you'll respect my choices.


It's the waterfights, the trampolining, the shopping trips, the dreaming.
It's the pool, and the Xbox too,
It's the way without you, I have no idea what i'd do..
It's the walks, the talks, the games,
The frames of photographs,
It's the serious late night talks,
The happy and memorable laughs,
It's the hospital trips, the dunked biscuits,the broken arm,
it's the way in which you disable the ringing of alarms inside my skull.

When people ask why I'm a daddy's girl,
It's all these things, and so much more.
It's because what ever I ask for,
You tell me that's what daddy's are for.
It's the way you aid me to open doors
To the present
Despite my fears
It's the way you've never faltered
Throughout the years.

You are my logic
At times when I stumble
You are my foundations
At times when I crumble apart.
It's love you give me,
From the bottom of your heart.
It's the hundred new beginnings and fresh starts
The thousand chances,
The cheesy dances.

Its because when I burn around
My edges and sometimes my very core
You shower me with your love
And when it rains, it pours.

Dad, there are a million reasons,
Why you're my king,
And that you will remain,
Strong and shining.
So when people ask why I'm a daddy's girl
Ill keep it short and sweet
But never forget, never regret,
You're the number one dad to defeat.

never in your life will you have so much ahead of you
and yet you have nothing at all.
the first party, you drank too much.
at least your best friend held your hair when you vomitted.
the first kiss, was in the back seat of his car.
he ignored you the next week at school.
the first trip to the beach was in july.
the boys stared at you in your swimsuit for the first time.
the first date was at the movies.
he touched your knee and kissed your neck.
the first time life when really hit you,
was when you realized growing up isn't a good thing.

You sat on the other end of the table
Glistening, shining, and taunting me
Rosy cheeks with spurts of Yellow and Green
Silently teasing
A juicy, little Apple.
Hopefully no one would see me, no one would pay any attention
As I grabbed the treat and the knife
And began to dangerously peel.
I knew I was doing it wrong
My hands shaking while my cheeks began to flush
Embarrassed by my ignorant inadequacy.
Are you left-handed? she asked from my left.
Humiliation filled the corners of my eyes, wet and distraught.
No, I mumbled. My cheeks reflecting Mose's Red Sea.
I was beginning to drown.
Your thumb needs to move, You make me nervous,
and she sounded nervous indeed.
Put it down here. Help yourself control it. Guide it.
Everyone was staring now, the whole table awed
My ignorance showing, like a medallion at my chest
My shameful Apple as pathetic proof.
You're doing it wrong.
Non così. Basta, faccio io.
Let me do it.
You're about to graduate, and you can't peel an apple.
I began choking, drowning in tears of Humiliation.
No, let her do it the small Voice on my left said.
She is finding her way. Let me watch her.
I finished peeling the Apple
Suffocating my tears as I ate.
You remind me of Daisy, she said soon after
From The Great Gatsby.
I choked and laughed, more ashamed than ever.
I'm not sure that is a compliment.
I could barely muster a mumble.
She couldn't do anything by herself.
She looked at me, gentle and forgiving.
I think it is, she replied
Wistful and Wise.
Daisy was vital to the story, you know.
And I believe that given the chance, she could have done anything that she wanted
*On her own.

Today I woke up and the world was between my arms.
I kissed it's shoulder and the world turn around to hold me back.