i cried about you the last 2 nights
still trying to figure out why

i see my monsters in my vision's side
when i go to look them in the eye

they have disappeared
i check the mirror to make sure im still there

but then looking at my hair
i remember another ere

the one who made me go from dark to light
but only on the outside

in my heart it was night
i came back despite despise

the difference is you did everything & more
he nothing & less & pushed me out the door

so the knowledge i had on how to hurt i had stored
and used subconsciously to destroy your core

glistening holographics
memories that never happened
pretending that there is magic

glitter on her eyelids
******* but she's still a diamond
pretty things die young

glamorous daydreams
but reality awakens
precious hope breaking

breaking it down is half the work
a step that must never be skipped
rolling it up in your leaf of choice
is a step that must be considered art
the first light is the most important
a step that is for the one who crafted
they should also be the first to enjoy it
a step the rest respect
eventually all power is seemingly gone
from the one who created
and everyone feels equal once their turn has passed
yet let us not forget the one who rolled it
for they are the one who has saved the rest

Newfound treasure,
Key around my neck.
It holds my releases,
I lock them up,
No one knows.
It's the sugar on the
Once empty spoon.
Painful swallow,
Mild sublime.
Self: understood.

Everything is taken
Possession is an illusion
Nothing is secret
"Sharing" it's called
Later, "compliments"
Yet no lovely vibes
Merely false flourishes to my ears
Their meaning temporary
Used for personal gain

Like a blade into feelings
Bleeding emotions
Hidden by formless dress
Chained to be mocked
Knowing the end and how it comes
Heart teased
Continually bruised
Constantly battered
No release
Suppressed by tyranny
Only fear of not lasting til the end
When will it come?
They say soon
Because it is never enough for them
There's always something else
Either new or repeated
And I don't know which is worse

plummeting into the unknown
in agony because there is no one to help
tears falling upwards
as I drop into uncertainty
like a piece of rain into the ocean
coated in darkness
not even a star
or a slice of the blackness
to hold onto
and yet im not the only one
the screeches below me await
and a foreboding sense of eternity
not even Earth's purest man's fear of Hell
can compare to the reality

I hate poems that rhyme
I mean, who has the time
To sit in a chair
With a blank, bored stare
In the middle of class
That's torturing the mass

if there ever is a day
when I find a one for me
the one with whom I'll lay
and commit to fully
then that will be the day
that I will lose myself
seem though it may
that I have new wealth
thoughts of me
will go away and
I'll be unhappy

It's you, it's me.
Add her, it's three.
She gets As,
But I get Bs.

She has reasons.
I have excuses.
I am mindless.
She is fearless.

Compassion is her trait.
Selfishness is mine.
I can't bear to wait.
Please just make up your mind.

It's not fair to me,
My heart stays guarded.
It's not fair to her,
She has life goals and projects.

And you're in the middle,
Because we put you there.
I have to leave NOW,
I can't bear to hear...

can't believe it happened again
got my heart broken
for letting someone else in
better off living alone in my life of sin

to trust anyone but myself
is hopeless
the only result is
my heart and it's holiness

This poetry is a work in progress.
This relationship is  a work in progress.
Our love for each other
Has not completed process.
But at least we know it's there
And that this isn't totally worthless.
"You won't be together."
"He'll find someone who's heart is in better shape than yours
And who's soul is dauntless."
"He'll move on without you
While you're here haunted."
But I'm the kind of person who doesn't give a **** if
He's married in another state
With those things they call quadruplets,
Because my heart will still belong to him,
For it's forever bonded
To him who is my first real love,
Even if it's obnoxious.

"Do you ever feel like you're about to die?"
"Like a car crash?" she asks.
But that's not what I mean at all.

What I mean, is when you're so in love with someone who might hate you.
You never get to see them,
but when you do it's with a bunch of other people
whose only interest is to make noise.
And so you think about Someone,
never talking to or about him,
which makes you think that love is a figment of your imagination
or a word you don't understand.
I go back and forth between
"everything is science" and "everything is emotion."
So sometimes, when the love hurts especially bad,
I think it has to be the kind of emotion that can't be explained with science.
In which case, I'm probably mentally ill.
What part of me is holding the love?
It's not my actual heart.
Not my brain.
Not my hands.
That must mean the only part of me that isn't scientific is that unearthly thing that contains love for Someone.
This thing makes me cry real human tears
and when I hit the wall with my closed fist that is not holding love but empty air,
it produces physical pain.
But there is something else this thing holds:
the feeling that I'm about to die.

"Yeah, like a car crash," I nod in agreement.

Something about your annoying ***
Always talking to me just because
The boredom was killing
Even on weekend AMs when you should be sleeping
Constantly asking when & where
Going to Rite Aid so I could meet you there
You bring a new meaning to "based"
For ****'s sake, it's written on your face
And in the way that you dress-
A well put together, mismatched mess
But I have your clothes with me sometimes
The smell of you gets my heart high
I stole your white gold chain
And wore it doubled to school today
Remember when you said I should **** with you
Because you do you and that made me want to

I wish I didn't miss you
should've never kissed you
the new me wouldn't have responded
to "girl, what that **** do?"
I guess it was something about the twists in your hairdo
and now my legs and elbows are cold
the fact that I noticed reminds me
of how you told me I was old
told me I was a "***"
kept coming just to go
even when things were fine/okay
I still felt alone
no matter how many times we lit one and smoked
and when we'd lie together
I'd be sure not to roll over
for the distance you would surely note

I grew up when I realized that love is a decision
not an emotion
When I saw how toxic love
was leaving me heartbroken
& I wondered why only part of me was left
but my ability to love freely was stolen
Age had nothing to do with the come up
it was when I was all alone with my thoughts til the sun came up
sleepless nights & the struggle of being lonely
had me learn who I was
til I knew I was all of me

one day i want to be happy
that day is today
that day is every day
but i cry just as much as if i had a reason to
and no matter how many "right directions"
i seem to follow
there is still warm water coming from my eyes
as soon as they dry
it rains again
they typecast me as insert stereotype here
fighting against everyone is difficult
when they all make so many rules
and you cant see because your eyes still havent dried again
i guess paper will know that i will never be happy
but they will never hear those words in my voice
because they are not worthy
i still want to be happy one day

for hours at night
i keep myself company
i write, i think, i listen
i crave parts of old lovers
put them together into a dream one
i miss one's respect
another's vibe
regret a whole one
except physical touch
one's laugh
another's moan
the way different hands
felt around my waist
and lips to mine
i go over old instances
only the two of us had
deep intimate moments of the past
and how for a minuet span
in man's notion of time
we were only for each other
until money, reputation, other women
(abridged version of list)
were their "reasons"
their excuses
then i cry
and the night is over
so i go to sleep

the people who dont know me
know the most about me
things i wasnt even aware of
they have not even heard the sound of my voice
yet have every last detail on my ****** encounters
to me they are irrelevant by default
however i am the most exciting cyber encounter theyve had
while i am sipping, sighing, smoking, swearing
they stalk, search, sift, and stare

theyre writing songs about me
but i cant give them what they want
i know how to stay solo now
stop thinking about me
because everytime you do, i feel it
"how is it being god?"
please dont ask, dont make me answer
at the same time my pen dies
i lose 2 friends, a ride-or-die, and my mind
you could have kissed me over and over
but you screamed and turned away
and now your echoes are inside me
and i wonder why you couldnt be perfect
and why no one else was either
thats why theres just me
i cant be sad, only accepting
so please do the same
and lets meet up and smoke a cigarette
its on me, newport 100s

I have a dry heart
that no longer runs with liquid love
it brakes at evey sign to move forward
and dust envelopes my mind
but somehow makes everything clear
no one has anything for me to drink
all I could have has been poisoned
pretty colors like pink champagne and purple syrup
shades of the sky that is my only friend
mist turned to smoke
all there's room for is me
or the edges will crack
it is only a matter of time

i go through the back door
laughing and crying
dont talk so problems stayed ignored
they took my key
you left and now
im bout to be back on the streets
theres always something someone wants
when i fail to deliver
im an option, not the one
fountain of youth
levels lay low
sympathy misused, abused
thought my heart was broke
but i still feel everyones everythings
without trying i get your deepests evoked

dont u miss ur brothers
the Girl who was more than the others
at the thrift picking up threads
we were a well-dressed pair
no problem getting noticed for our flair
but all we wanted was to vibe
whatever came with just u and i
was all we needed to get high
i dont think about u anymore at night
but its ok for the times u made me cry
black and white
turn around and tell me u need me for life
u are like the colors of my eyes
green but always changing
how'd u go from no smoke to pink coke
i cant remember ur aura
and maybe this is why:
too shallow for me to see ur color
pretty sleepy child's play for beats
**** the people who stayed thru the heat
now its yelling at no one from nowhere
we cant find u
(but i dont even know if we're still trying)
goodbye goodbye

I am a liar
I told her I loved her
so as not to start a fire
but now that she's heard it
I must say it again
if I said "I love you" 7 times
I have lied 7 times
I don't even know how many lies I've told
even though the context of every one is the same:
I love you
this made a new truth in me
a truth I tell myself as often as I tell her a lie:
I hate myself
now that feels much better
the twisted honesty of it restores me
so that I look for a reason to say it again
I love you
I am a liar
I hate myself

****** don't want respect no more
they just want clout
stealing **** they didn't used to be about
but i guess it's "**** or be killed"
and yeah, it's crooked
but the world doesn't let you be skilled in something that's already in you
i can't sit here and write for free
because i'm supposed to be looking for money
scratch my head and worry over answers i'll never find
i know what i want though
so i shade my eyes so they don't know i'm not blind
i can't go with the rest- it's a struggle
going against the flow
is bruising me; i'm wounded
the others like me are slowing turning wilted
i'm left standing in the sun
and even though i'm shining, they don't see it
they're eyeless and i'm the only one

facing the ceiling
tears down my cheeks
puddles in the sheets

already saddened
fingernails in the mattress
my heart's doing backflips

something great
dust of yesterday
still in my brain

your nightmares
but my days scare
no one to pull or pet my hair

numerous things to say to you in my head
yet i can't seem to find the strength
to lift myself up out of bed
i'm emotionally
drained of energy
i feel like the bomb ticking
moved from my heart to my head
all i wanted from the start was you and an us
but apparently i'm just too far above
the standards you have
cuz it's to her you went back
now i see where we stand
and i don't stand a chance
cuz you won't take a chance
at what could actually last
and now we can't go back
bet you're having a blast
with that ***** from the past
i know she's giving you ***
sorry that i am better than that

left a bad ***** for an ew one
but looks aside
guess it doesn't matter none
she's got nothing on me
including personality
all she ever had was a disease and a baby
but ****, i hope you're happy
although i don't see how you could be
cuz i know you have a conscious
i have a list in my head of your wrongness
the fact that you went back to disaster
makes me wonder if i was even all that
aftermath: i have a lot of wrath
then there's you trying to turn it around
like i didn't wanna hold you down
all the noise i made about it
and you never even heard a sound

now it feels like you only ever stayed to comfort me
and while you're out on a friday night
my tears slip into a equally sad cup of tea

self esteem low to none
got me thinking it's all me
but the problem's yours and you're the only one

turns out i was wrong though
the random girl i figured you were with turned out to be the worst ***

so now for the last few days
i've felt like an absolute *******
you forgot me already anyway

what's another piece missing
from my already broken heart
at this point it's just a loss
not even worth mentioning
sabotage of what could've been perfect
I'm so used to this feeling
of constant worthlessness
every effort is useless in the end
the appreciation never really lasts
the kisses' and touches'
deeper meanings now seem so shallow
it's like it all only mattered to me
I don't care about the confusion
in my heart anymore
I've shut out the way that it feels
and the ones who perpetrated
and I will continue to do so
because it's all that I know
protecting and trusting myself
is all that is left for me to do

I'm feeling numb.
I forgot...
what is love?
a vague memory.
something of the past.
a special gift
given too often,
now an unfulfilling experience
to take up time
and keep me interested
for just a little while.
but wait.
not boredom,
but sympathy
for those who need comfort.
a last ditch effort
to put this apparent evil
to good use.
burdened with the curse
of having turned cold.
romance:
dangerous thing to imitate.
the heart:
fragile entity to the touch.
some of us
will never again know love.

synthesized
you don't realize
what's on the outside
contradicts the inside
open your eyes
time to see how large the size
and that things are not alright
try as you might
you can't face the night
something's not right
you better recognize
the things you're trying to hide
can't stay unidentified
everyone's out here "stupefied"
pretending that they can't see the light
acting like hiding in the dark's alright
on old waves cruising and riding
but I'm ahead of the time
thoughts that'll get me suicide
things I say are unadvised
because I can't be held back by the lies
that kept me traumatized
that kept me up at night
it's not til you're way up high
that they say they love your style
and decide they're on your side
but I've already left them far behind
with the places in which I used to reside

something I always wanted to know how it felt
oblivious of the bliss I had without it
blind to the fact that I was already happier than I would ever be
lusting for a notion I had no concept of
wanting for the tale I'd been been told all my life
to be my own to tell
hungry to feel desire for another
and have it all reciprocated equally
because that's how I thought it worked
hopeful for the day it would come
anticipation was at an all time high
I didn't even know where to look
I expected it to just come looking for me
I was waiting for it to arrive like a dream
it was a freshly blown bubble
with otherworldly colors swirling around the circumference
in ethereal patterns
that burst when you broke my heart

******* in a paper bag
towel doubled as a rag
suitcase holding treasured randoms
and notebooks filled with cryptic tandems
very little ventilation
and an unclaimed mess that's hated
sacred corner on the desk
the rest a "collage:" a mess
mirror mirror on the wall
tells the truth, leaves me appalled
thin covering on the ground
worn where almost all is brown
hand-me-down pillow case smeared with liner
and the tears from last night's crier

***** demons
chandeliers dripping *****
lost ghostly figures with rogue
in their cheeks' hollows
black lips on pale faces
reward of something eternal
for the winner of the race
but she who loses is ******
she who does not succeed is banned
from colorful pleasantries
she tells herself are earthly
oh what she would give
for a shot and a sugary chaser
but the ghouls relentlessly chase her
do I accept that I will be running on hot coals forever
or do I curl up on them and simmer

I can't force it anymore
it's like standing at a closed door
waiting for more
always wanting you more

miles keep our souls apart
but they can't keep your promises for
you
you're constantly breaking my heart
when we're making love we're making art

never got to see how ours
would look running around
but we ran our mouths
until the words ran out

and the hurt poured out
like a water spout
and now my heart's full of doubt
it's like our love fell to drought

overcomplicated something that should've been so straightforward
love should've been the only thing that kept us going
it's only you I still crave on a day-to-day basis
but our daydreams never fully made it

you were never one to confess to
you were never one to express to
your reactions made me too stressed to
so I expected less and less from you
til there wasn't much left to do
except admit that we weren't one but two

even when I'm happy, I'm sad
because my subconscious somehow knows how your absence leaves me physically cold
and so even on eight consecutive good days,
there's always underlying depression because you're not the reason
and I know that if you were,
the level of joy wouldn't even compare
because it would be so much more

every season has a different excuse
for why i should be happy
and makes me feel guilty if im not.
i have the same reason year-round to be sad.
but then again,
you're my reason for everything.

I hope you know
I'm going to drop acid
as an attempt to drop my love for you.
I was just wondering:
what did you do with my heart now that we're done?
I hope you know
I'm going to **** meaninglessly
to try to forget what you taste like.
I was just wondering:  
am I just a part of your past now?      
I hope you know
I'm going to swallow my sobs with pills
and wash them down with colorful poisons.
I was just wondering:
do you really think I'm making it without you?
I hope you know
my head will always be filled with smoke
to fog out the scenes of us on the beach.
I was just wondering:
if you ever compare them to me?
I hope you know
I'm going to ruthlessly create chaos in other men's spirits
and from now on I'm going to be the one that loves less
because broken hearts break hearts
to try to gain what they lost.

I hope you know
you're the only one who can stop me.

one day I'm going to wake up
and realize that trying to live life without you is pointless
because I'm immune to the pretty sedatives and toxic liquids now
I'll give up completely
and do something you'll regret
but it will be too late for you to realize
I will walk the 300 miles to your house
I will follow you into battle
I will wait the four years for you in loneliness
I will promise you my soul
I will **** myself for you
and now I have killed myself because of you

Lonely star,
You used to shine so bright,
Now you merely exist-
A sad flicker in a dark sky.
Your holy garments
That saturated your soul,
Faded and blurred away from the core
Have now been rendered and torn
And left you with only tears.
What happened to your galaxy glory?
Your darling broke your heart
And took your sparkle for his journey.
And now you are nothing but a lonely star.

Something sad happened to you
Something bad happened to your heart
Someone hurt you, but it was accident
Which makes it all the more painful
Darling, what's wrong?  
Honey, why are you crying?  
Sweetheart, please talk to me
Give me a reasoning
Baby, I do care
Seeing you like this breaks my heart
Come back to me
We're drifting apart
Why have I lost you?
Where did you go?
What did I do
That made us no more?
I don't understand
What I've done to deserve this
When I thought it was clear that we were perfect
I gave you my secrets
And the last parts of my heart
Now I'm empty
And all torn apart

All around me
These other black, broken hearts beat.
I'm not the only one
And mine's not alone.  
I see all the dark colors,  
I feel all the dark auras
Of the brightly-dressed walkers
Who try to mask with threads
And toxic meds.
But I know the symptoms,
For it is my own sickness
That I witness
On a daily basis.
What I say is truth,  
Not judgment cruel  
Like what you do
And are used to.  
I am not condemning-
They have already experienced the damning.
I'm not yet saying I am a goddess,
I am only saying I know this:
Your third eye is closed
And you are oblivious.

If he's not at a train station
I don't know where he is
So many beautiful people
So many beautiful chances
All these life stories
From different places
All those love stories
I thought they were clichés
But now I see how possible they can be
If you open your eyes
And set your mind free
All it takes is a look around yourself
To take a step outside
Of your own mind
The one that's right next to you
Might be what's a sign
Of your future together
With the stranger beside

I can't erase you from my mind
Because I can't erase you from my heart
I keep telling myself
That I saved myself
When I know you saved me
From myself    
But maybe
I've been running away this entire time from my true self
And now it's time to face
My sad fate
That you'll be fine without me
And I'll be numb again

Look of despair
Eyebrows shaping the face into pain
Tears behind the eyes coming quickly
Covering the irises watery
Filling the small space on top of the bottom lid
Soon to spill over
Liquid sadness
Physical proof of heartbreak
All of these emotions are pouring out of me

This cup of crushed ice is what I imagine my heart looks like,
At least what it feels like.
Pour some mango *** on it...
Now that's more realistic.
I want to burn my skin;
Hear it sizzle, feel it crisp;
Slice my thighs because they'll no longer feel your touch.
Deprive myself of sleep
Because I'll only have nightmares,
Not dreams of you
Like I used to.
Even though I've already lost you,
I can't let go.

You make me cry.
You made me crazy inside.
The way you care makes me wonder why.
My heart is in pain,
Not to mention this headache
From your name on my brain.
Suddenly, we had died
Without so much as a goodbye,
And it wasn't together, like I'd always mind's-eyed.
If I had known I was seeing you for very last time,
I would have never left your side.
You were and secretly still are mine,
Because I won't let go- I will live this lie:
That you plus I means something to the outside.
I made you promise to come back even if the years were five,
Because I won't say goodbye
To the burning fire
In the heart of this child.

In another lifetime
On another day

I would be your bride
And things would be OK

I wouldn't often cry
My mind wouldn't be in a daze

Because I'd know you're mine
And things would be OK

We'd actually have plenty of time
Something not of yesterday

We'd be together until we die
And things would be OK